The Meat Jerking Beef Boys
Ders' dad comes to visit and tests the roommates' friendship.
- OKAY, WE CAN RELAX WITH PEP.
AND THEN ADD A LITTLEJEFF GARLIC
TO CURB THE ENTHUSIASMOF THE...
[phone ringing]LAWRY'S!
[clears throat]HELLO, SIR!
YEAH, HOW ARE YOU, DAD?
I'M JUST AT THE HOUSEGOING OVER SOME BUSINESS STUFF.
YOU KNOW, WORKING OVERTIME.- OH!
SHIPMENT HAS ARRIVED!
KARL TOOK A SALT PELLETTO THE CHEST
TRYING TO GET IT TOO!
- OH!DERS, A LITTLE HELP, BUD.
- YES, I--THIS WEEKEND?
NO, NOT IDEAL FOR ME.
YOU BOOKED THE TICKET?
- OH, [bleep].WE'RE GONNA RIP HIS HEAD OFF.
- WELL, BREAK THE FACE OFFOR SOMETHING.
- OKAY.
- NO, THAT WAS JUST, UM--THAT WAS A TV.
I'M WATCHING SOME... MAD MONEY,
AND YOU KNOW HOW CRAZYTHAT GUY CAN GET.
HEY, GUYS,WE GOT A CHANGE OF PLANS.
- GRAB A SPONGE, MAN.WE GOTTA SOAP THIS BOVINE DOWN.
- YEAH, COME ON, DERS.DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
WE GOTTA JERK THIS BEEF, MAN.
ADAM?- YEAH.
- LOOK, GUYS,MY DAD'S VISITING TOMORROW.
[chainsaw buzzing]- THAT'S RAD!
- [laughter]OH, MAN!
WHOO!
OH, YEAH!VERY HEAVY!
- AAH!AH-HA-HA-HA!
- OH!
WHOO!
CAN I BORROWONE OF YOUR TOWELS?
- YOU'RE ALREADYUSING MY TOWEL.
ALL OF YOUR TOWELSWERE MY TOWELS.
MAN, THAT IS SO COOL THATYOUR DAD IS COMING THIS WEEKEND.
CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THE GUY.
- NO, BLAKE,IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT.
- IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!ARE YOU KIDDING?
HE GETS TO MEET US,
AND THEN HE GETS TO SEETHE UNVEILING
OF YOUR BEEF JERKY COMPANY.
THAT'S LIKE "THE PROUDESTDAD EVER" MOMENT RIGHT THERE.
- YEAH,MEAT JERKING BEEF BOYS.
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE NAMING IT.- YEAH.
- INCORPORATED MAYBE.WE'RE NOT SURE.
- I HAVEN'T BEEN TRUTHFULWITH MY DAD
ABOUT ANY ASPECTOF MY LIFESTYLE.
- WHO CARES, MAN?EVERYBODY LIES TO THEIR DAD.
- MY DAD STILL SENDS ME CHECKSFOR SPACE CAMP.
I HAVEN'T BEEN IN LIKE--I NEVER WENT.
- DUDE, MY DAD'S EXPECTATIONSARE WAY HIGHER, ALL RIGHT?
I HAD TO TELL HIM THATI WAS A VP AT TELAMERICORP.
I TOLD HIM I PLAY
IN AN ALL-WHITE SQUASH LEAGUEON SUNDAYS,
AND THAT I OWN MY OWN HOME,WHICH I DON'T, CLEARLY.
- I WOULDN'T EVEN WORRYABOUT IT, DERS.
I'M SURE YOUR DADHAS A HUGE HEART.
PROBABLY HAS A BIG OLD...SCHLONGER AS WELL, HUH?
DOES HE?- OH, YEAH!
DAD DICKS?- MAYBE.
- OH, DAD DICKS ARE HUGE, MAN.
AND FROM ALL THE STORIESI'VE HEARD ABOUT YOUR DAD,
FORGET IT.THAT'S A MONSTER.
- TOTALLY.
- THAT'S A MONSTERJUST TRAPPED IN DENIM.
- I STILL REMEMBERTHE FIRST DAD DICK I SAW.
- UH-HUH.- I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD.
IT WAS AT A WARRIORS GAME.
WE WERE AT ONE OF THOSEHORSE TROUGHS.
- OH, GOD!- AND I'M LIKE...
- WITH A STREAM OF JUST POWER.
- GROWLING NEXT TO YOU.
- YEAH.- AND THAT'S THE THING.
DAD DICKS IN THE LATE '80s,EARLY '90s,
THEY WERE BIGGER.- YEP.
- I THINK THERE'S SOMETHINGSHRINKING DAD DICKS.
THAT SHOULD BE ON 20/20.
- SO WHAT IS YOUR POPSPACKING?
- OKAY, YOU WANNA KNOW?- YEAH.
- I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER--
HE HAS A LEGIT BAT.- YEAH.
- I'M NOT GONNA LIE.
IF I CLOSE MY EYES,I CAN SEE IT RIGHT NOW.
IT'S GOT THE--IT GOES A LITTLE--
- OH, MAN, DAD DICKS, RIGHT?OOH, MAMA!
- EXCUSE ME.EXCUSE ME.
HI. UM, I'M VANESSAWITH MCMILLAN REALTY.
WE'RE HOLDING AN OPEN HOUSE
DOWN THE STREETON SUNDAY
AND I WOULD JUST ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT IF YOU WEREN'T...
DRINKING BEERS ON THE ROOF.
- OH, RIGHT.YOU GOT IT, NO PROBLEM.
WEED ONLY!- YEP.
- SUPER BLUNT SUNDAY!- YEP.
- SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!WE'LL JUST SMOKE BOWLS!
- OR MAYBE NOT BEON THE ROOF AT ALL.
SOUND DOABLE?THANKS!
- DID SHE JUST SAY OPEN HOUSE?- YEAH.
- UH-OH.HEY, I KNOW THAT LOOK.
- I DON'T KNOW ANY OF HIS LOOKS.- EXCUSE ME, BANESSA!
- I'M SORRY?- IT'S BANESSA, WASN'T IT?
- NO, VA-NESSA.
- NO, I'M ACTUALLY POSITIVE YOUCAME UP, YOU SAID, "BANESSA."
I THOUGHTIT WAS A STUPID NAME.
BUT THAT'S YOUR NAMEAND YOU SHOULD STICK WITH IT.
I WOULD LIKE TO MAKEAN OFFER
TO BUY THAT HOUSEFOR THE WEEKEND.
IS THAT A THING?- OH.
- WE CAN TALK WHENI'M BACK IN TOWN SUNDAY
FOR THE OPEN HOUSE.
YOU'LL SEE MY SIGN.IT'S SAYS, "VA-NESSA...
WITH MCMILLAN."
'KAY, THANKS AGAIN!
- ALL RIGHT.- OHH.
[laughter]
OH, I KNOW THAT LOOK.- YEAH.
- I'M SORRY, LADY,I DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU
UNLESS YOU WANNAHAVE SEX WITH ME.
IN THAT CASE,YES, I'LL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
- GAME ON.- YEAH.
[bottles clanking]WHOO!
- OOH. I SAY WE LEAVE THISAS THE COOLING ROOM.
AND THEN MY ROOM WILL BEA LITTLE JERK FLAVORING,
JERKING STATIONWITHOUT ANY JERKING.
I WON'T DO THATIF WE HANG THE MEAT IN THERE.
- THAT'S A GOOD CALL.THAT'S A GOOD CALL, MAN.
AND I'M THINKINGWE CAN USE MY ROOM
TO HOUSE ALL THE MODELS
FOR THE MEAT JERKINGBEEF BOYS GIRLS CALENDAR.
RIGHT? I SAY WE SPRINKLESOME PEPPER OVER THESE BABES,
SMOTHER THEM IN TERIYAKI.
IT'S LIKE JERKY, BUT JERKYTHAT YOU WANNA HAVE SEX WITH.
- MARINADE 'EMAND THEN MASTURBATE TO 'EM.
- SEX JERKY.THAT'LL SELL.
- YOU'RE A FREAKIN' GENIUS,MAN.
- NO, I KNOW.I KNOW THAT.
- AND THAT JUST PROVESMY THEORY
THAT DERS HAS BEEN HOLDING BACKOUR SUPER FRIENDSHIP
THIS WHOLE TIME.
- LET'S HIT THIS A.C.,COOL THIS BITCH OUT.
- GOOD CALL.
- HIT THE FAN, SCIENCE GUY.- YOU GOT IT, SCIENCE BRO.
- WHOO! PLUG THIS BITCH IN!- YOU GOT IT.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S CRANKSOME COW CUTTIN' TUNES!
- I GOT YOU ON THAT.HERE WE GO.
KICK OUT THE JAMS!
[heavy metal music plays]- [growls]
- WHOO!- YEAH!
- NICE.
both: YEAH!
- LOPPING OFF A PIECE.
AGH!
CLEAN CUT! CLEAN CUT!- WHOA!
- YEAH, CRANK THAT BITCH DOWN.- THAT'S REALLY HAIRY.
- THAT'S OKAY, MAN.HAIR.
IT'LL ADD SOME SPICE.IT'LL ADD SOME SEASONING.
- ALL RIGHT.- GAMY. A GAMY TASTE.
THAT'S WHAT OUR JERKY'SGONNA BE.
IT'S GONNA BE A LITTLE GAM--[power shuts off]
OKAY.
- WELL, N-N-NOWWHY DID THAT HAPPEN?
SHOOT.- PROBABLY IT'S JUST...
PLUGGED UP A LITTLE BIT.
- YEAH, GO FOR IT.
[buzzing, music blares]both: WHOA!
- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.
- YEP, I'M ALL GOOD TO GO.- OKAY, WHEW!
[doorbell]
- WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS.
IF IT ISN'T JUDAS PRIEST...
FROM THE BIBLE, NOT THE BAND.'CAUSE THAT'D BE COOL.
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYSDOING HERE?
- BELIEVE ME, WE DON'T LIKE THISAS MUCH AS YOU DO.
BUT WE HAVE A FEW QUESTIONSABOUT OUR HOUSE.
- OUR HOUSE--WHERE WE LIVE, NOT YOU.
- DERSY! DERSY!YOU'RE OUT OF T.P.
LUCKILY, I HAD A CLEAN PINCH.
- RIGHT, UM...- WHOA.
- WHAT UP?HEY!
I'M ADAM.IT'S GREAT TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
WE LIVE RIGHT OVER THERE.
- HOW'S IT GOING?
IT'S A PLEASURETO MEET YOU, SIR.
IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.- THOR.
THOR HOLMVIK.
- THOR?YOUR NAME IS THOR?
AH! THAT IS SO--
I DIDN'T KNOW WHITE PEOPLEHAD COOL NAMES ANYMORE.
- HE HAS A GOD'S NAME.
- TELL ME YOU NAMED YOUR DICK"THOR'S HAMMER."
- YEAH, ME TOO.
- I DIDN'T REALIZE THERE WASSO MUCH BLOOD IN A COW.
- VERY INVOLVED PROCESS.
- OH, MY GOD!
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
- WELL...IT'S THE BLOOD,ANDERS.
- IT'S THE BLOOD.THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE.
AND GUTS.IT'S JERKY. IT'S PRE-JERKY.
- OKAY, WHATEVER, DUDE.I GOT AN EMERGENCY.
MY DAD'S TRYING TO CRASHAT MY PLACE.
HE'S NOT GOING TO A HOTEL.
THE OPEN HOUSE TOMORROWIS TOTALLY GONNA BLOW MY COVER.
- OH, YOU POOR LITTLEBABY BITCH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DID THOR KICK YOUOUT OF THE AVENGERS?
- YEAH.- SORRY!
WE'RE THE X-MEN.
YOU MUST BE LOOKINGFOR X-FRIENDS.
I THINK THEY'RE DOWN THE ROAD.
- YEAH, LIKE WE WOULD EVERHELP YOU OUT
IN A "QUIMILLION" YEARS.- NOT HAPPENING.
- YEAH,THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
WHY WOULD WE EVERHELP YOU, DUDE?
- BECAUSE I'M GONNA GIVE YOUMY BRAZZERS PASSWORD.
- FINE, WE'LL BETHE BIGGER MEN HERE.
- HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING.
YOU GUYS SHOULD COMEBY THE HOUSE,
MAKE IT LOOK LIKETHERE'S A BREAK-IN,
JUST TIP OVER SOME CHAIRS,EMPTY A DRAWER OR TWO.
JUST ENOUGH TO FREAK HIM OUTSO HE GOES AND STAYS AT A HOTEL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- LET'S DO IT.
- WE WANT THAT PASSWORD FIRSTTHOUGH.
- THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
- STRONG MOVE.WE'LL DO IT YOUR WAY.
- OKAY.
OKAY, NOW JUST WATCH ME.- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT?- OH!
- WATCH ME.- YEAH!
OKAY.
- YEAH, WE'RE GOOD TO GO.
HIS WALLET.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE'RE BEINGTOO HARD ON DERS, MAN.
HE JUST...LOVES HIS DADA WEIRD AMOUNT.
- YEAH, YOU KNOW,IT'S GOTTA MESS WITH HIS HEAD.
HIS DAD IS JUST SWINGINGTHOR'S HAMMER,
AND YOU KNOW, DERS IS WORKINGWITH THAT LITTLE ICE PICK.
IT'S A BIG DICKTO LIVE UP TO.
- BUT NO GIANT DAD [bleep]IN THE WORLD CAN EXPLAIN THIS.
G.I. JOE: RETALIATIONTICKET STUB.
HE SAW IT WITHOUT US!
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO CRYOR EXPLODE FROM ANGER.
- YOU KNOW WHAT,I DON'T EVEN CARE
HOW MANY FREAKIN' PASSWORDSTHAT GUY GIVES US.
WE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF HIM!
- OH, I'M SO ASHAMEDTO BE THAT DUDE'S FRIEND.
- YEAH, WE'RE GOOD FRIENDS!
- I'M PROUD TO BE YOUR FRIEND,MAN!
- I'M PROUD TO BE YOUR FRIEND!
- I'M ASHAMED OF THAT DUDE!
- THAT GUY SUCKSAND HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE US.
- YEAH, THAT DUDEDOESN'T APPRECIATE ME.
DOESN'T APPRECIATE ME,DOESN'T APPRECIATE--
- APPRECIATE THIS!- DOESN'T APPRECIATE [bleep]!
- HOW ABOUT YOU APPRECIATE THIS?- OH!
HOW ABOUT APPRECIATE THIS?[bleep]!
HE'LL APPRECIATE THAT.
- YEAH.- OH, HI, DERS.
- WHERE'S YOUR LITTLEBABY DICK NOW?
WHERE'S YOUR LITTLEBABY DICK NOW?
- UH, IS THERE A HIDE-A-BEDIN HERE?
THAT IS VERY HEAVY.- NO, THIS IS--
- LET'S FIND SOMETHING ELSETO BREAK.
- OKAY.
- WHOA, HANG ON, HANG ON.HANG ON.
- WHAT? WHAT?- THE DOOR.
- DAD, I THINKI'VE BEEN ROBBED.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?- WE NEED TO BE CAREFUL.
LET'S JUST GET YOUR STUFF.WE'LL GET YOU BACK TO THE HOTEL.
IT'S DEFINITELYNOT SAFE HERE, DAD.
- COME ON.- DAD!
WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!
OH, MY GOD.- WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?
- THIS ISN'T WHAT I...EXPECTED TO COME HOME TO.
