The Meat Jerking Beef Boys

  • 07/03/2012

Ders' dad comes to visit and tests the roommates' friendship.

- OKAY, WE CAN RELAX WITH PEP.

AND THEN ADD A LITTLEJEFF GARLIC

TO CURB THE ENTHUSIASMOF THE...

[phone ringing]LAWRY'S!

[clears throat]HELLO, SIR!

YEAH, HOW ARE YOU, DAD?

I'M JUST AT THE HOUSEGOING OVER SOME BUSINESS STUFF.

YOU KNOW, WORKING OVERTIME.- OH!

SHIPMENT HAS ARRIVED!

KARL TOOK A SALT PELLETTO THE CHEST

TRYING TO GET IT TOO!

- OH!DERS, A LITTLE HELP, BUD.

- YES, I--THIS WEEKEND?

NO, NOT IDEAL FOR ME.

YOU BOOKED THE TICKET?

- OH, [bleep].WE'RE GONNA RIP HIS HEAD OFF.

- WELL, BREAK THE FACE OFFOR SOMETHING.

- OKAY.

- NO, THAT WAS JUST, UM--THAT WAS A TV.

I'M WATCHING SOME... MAD MONEY,

AND YOU KNOW HOW CRAZYTHAT GUY CAN GET.

HEY, GUYS,WE GOT A CHANGE OF PLANS.

- GRAB A SPONGE, MAN.WE GOTTA SOAP THIS BOVINE DOWN.

- YEAH, COME ON, DERS.DON'T JUST STAND THERE.

WE GOTTA JERK THIS BEEF, MAN.

ADAM?- YEAH.

- LOOK, GUYS,MY DAD'S VISITING TOMORROW.

[chainsaw buzzing]- THAT'S RAD!

- [laughter]OH, MAN!

WHOO!

OH, YEAH!VERY HEAVY!

- AAH!AH-HA-HA-HA!

- OH!

WHOO!

CAN I BORROWONE OF YOUR TOWELS?

- YOU'RE ALREADYUSING MY TOWEL.

ALL OF YOUR TOWELSWERE MY TOWELS.

MAN, THAT IS SO COOL THATYOUR DAD IS COMING THIS WEEKEND.

CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THE GUY.

- NO, BLAKE,IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT.

- IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!ARE YOU KIDDING?

HE GETS TO MEET US,

AND THEN HE GETS TO SEETHE UNVEILING

OF YOUR BEEF JERKY COMPANY.

THAT'S LIKE "THE PROUDESTDAD EVER" MOMENT RIGHT THERE.

- YEAH,MEAT JERKING BEEF BOYS.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE NAMING IT.- YEAH.

- INCORPORATED MAYBE.WE'RE NOT SURE.

- I HAVEN'T BEEN TRUTHFULWITH MY DAD

ABOUT ANY ASPECTOF MY LIFESTYLE.

- WHO CARES, MAN?EVERYBODY LIES TO THEIR DAD.

- MY DAD STILL SENDS ME CHECKSFOR SPACE CAMP.

I HAVEN'T BEEN IN LIKE--I NEVER WENT.

- DUDE, MY DAD'S EXPECTATIONSARE WAY HIGHER, ALL RIGHT?

I HAD TO TELL HIM THATI WAS A VP AT TELAMERICORP.

I TOLD HIM I PLAY

IN AN ALL-WHITE SQUASH LEAGUEON SUNDAYS,

AND THAT I OWN MY OWN HOME,WHICH I DON'T, CLEARLY.

- I WOULDN'T EVEN WORRYABOUT IT, DERS.

I'M SURE YOUR DADHAS A HUGE HEART.

PROBABLY HAS A BIG OLD...SCHLONGER AS WELL, HUH?

DOES HE?- OH, YEAH!

DAD DICKS?- MAYBE.

- OH, DAD DICKS ARE HUGE, MAN.

AND FROM ALL THE STORIESI'VE HEARD ABOUT YOUR DAD,

FORGET IT.THAT'S A MONSTER.

- TOTALLY.

- THAT'S A MONSTERJUST TRAPPED IN DENIM.

- I STILL REMEMBERTHE FIRST DAD DICK I SAW.

- UH-HUH.- I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD.

IT WAS AT A WARRIORS GAME.

WE WERE AT ONE OF THOSEHORSE TROUGHS.

- OH, GOD!- AND I'M LIKE...

- WITH A STREAM OF JUST POWER.

- GROWLING NEXT TO YOU.

- YEAH.- AND THAT'S THE THING.

DAD DICKS IN THE LATE '80s,EARLY '90s,

THEY WERE BIGGER.- YEP.

- I THINK THERE'S SOMETHINGSHRINKING DAD DICKS.

THAT SHOULD BE ON 20/20.

- SO WHAT IS YOUR POPSPACKING?

- OKAY, YOU WANNA KNOW?- YEAH.

- I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER--

HE HAS A LEGIT BAT.- YEAH.

- I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

IF I CLOSE MY EYES,I CAN SEE IT RIGHT NOW.

IT'S GOT THE--IT GOES A LITTLE--

- OH, MAN, DAD DICKS, RIGHT?OOH, MAMA!

- EXCUSE ME.EXCUSE ME.

HI. UM, I'M VANESSAWITH MCMILLAN REALTY.

WE'RE HOLDING AN OPEN HOUSE

DOWN THE STREETON SUNDAY

AND I WOULD JUST ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT IF YOU WEREN'T...

DRINKING BEERS ON THE ROOF.

- OH, RIGHT.YOU GOT IT, NO PROBLEM.

WEED ONLY!- YEP.

- SUPER BLUNT SUNDAY!- YEP.

- SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!WE'LL JUST SMOKE BOWLS!

- OR MAYBE NOT BEON THE ROOF AT ALL.

SOUND DOABLE?THANKS!

- DID SHE JUST SAY OPEN HOUSE?- YEAH.

- UH-OH.HEY, I KNOW THAT LOOK.

- I DON'T KNOW ANY OF HIS LOOKS.- EXCUSE ME, BANESSA!

- I'M SORRY?- IT'S BANESSA, WASN'T IT?

- NO, VA-NESSA.

- NO, I'M ACTUALLY POSITIVE YOUCAME UP, YOU SAID, "BANESSA."

I THOUGHTIT WAS A STUPID NAME.

BUT THAT'S YOUR NAMEAND YOU SHOULD STICK WITH IT.

I WOULD LIKE TO MAKEAN OFFER

TO BUY THAT HOUSEFOR THE WEEKEND.

IS THAT A THING?- OH.

- WE CAN TALK WHENI'M BACK IN TOWN SUNDAY

FOR THE OPEN HOUSE.

YOU'LL SEE MY SIGN.IT'S SAYS, "VA-NESSA...

WITH MCMILLAN."

'KAY, THANKS AGAIN!

- ALL RIGHT.- OHH.

[laughter]

OH, I KNOW THAT LOOK.- YEAH.

- I'M SORRY, LADY,I DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU

UNLESS YOU WANNAHAVE SEX WITH ME.

IN THAT CASE,YES, I'LL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

- GAME ON.- YEAH.

[bottles clanking]WHOO!

- OOH. I SAY WE LEAVE THISAS THE COOLING ROOM.

AND THEN MY ROOM WILL BEA LITTLE JERK FLAVORING,

JERKING STATIONWITHOUT ANY JERKING.

I WON'T DO THATIF WE HANG THE MEAT IN THERE.

- THAT'S A GOOD CALL.THAT'S A GOOD CALL, MAN.

AND I'M THINKINGWE CAN USE MY ROOM

TO HOUSE ALL THE MODELS

FOR THE MEAT JERKINGBEEF BOYS GIRLS CALENDAR.

RIGHT? I SAY WE SPRINKLESOME PEPPER OVER THESE BABES,

SMOTHER THEM IN TERIYAKI.

IT'S LIKE JERKY, BUT JERKYTHAT YOU WANNA HAVE SEX WITH.

- MARINADE 'EMAND THEN MASTURBATE TO 'EM.

- SEX JERKY.THAT'LL SELL.

- YOU'RE A FREAKIN' GENIUS,MAN.

- NO, I KNOW.I KNOW THAT.

- AND THAT JUST PROVESMY THEORY

THAT DERS HAS BEEN HOLDING BACKOUR SUPER FRIENDSHIP

THIS WHOLE TIME.

- LET'S HIT THIS A.C.,COOL THIS BITCH OUT.

- GOOD CALL.

- HIT THE FAN, SCIENCE GUY.- YOU GOT IT, SCIENCE BRO.

- WHOO! PLUG THIS BITCH IN!- YOU GOT IT.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S CRANKSOME COW CUTTIN' TUNES!

- I GOT YOU ON THAT.HERE WE GO.

KICK OUT THE JAMS!

[heavy metal music plays]- [growls]

- WHOO!- YEAH!

- NICE.

both: YEAH!

- LOPPING OFF A PIECE.

AGH!

CLEAN CUT! CLEAN CUT!- WHOA!

- YEAH, CRANK THAT BITCH DOWN.- THAT'S REALLY HAIRY.

- THAT'S OKAY, MAN.HAIR.

IT'LL ADD SOME SPICE.IT'LL ADD SOME SEASONING.

- ALL RIGHT.- GAMY. A GAMY TASTE.

THAT'S WHAT OUR JERKY'SGONNA BE.

IT'S GONNA BE A LITTLE GAM--[power shuts off]

OKAY.

- WELL, N-N-NOWWHY DID THAT HAPPEN?

SHOOT.- PROBABLY IT'S JUST...

PLUGGED UP A LITTLE BIT.

- YEAH, GO FOR IT.

[buzzing, music blares]both: WHOA!

- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.

- YEP, I'M ALL GOOD TO GO.- OKAY, WHEW!

[doorbell]

- WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS.

IF IT ISN'T JUDAS PRIEST...

FROM THE BIBLE, NOT THE BAND.'CAUSE THAT'D BE COOL.

- WHAT ARE YOU GUYSDOING HERE?

- BELIEVE ME, WE DON'T LIKE THISAS MUCH AS YOU DO.

BUT WE HAVE A FEW QUESTIONSABOUT OUR HOUSE.

- OUR HOUSE--WHERE WE LIVE, NOT YOU.

- DERSY! DERSY!YOU'RE OUT OF T.P.

LUCKILY, I HAD A CLEAN PINCH.

- RIGHT, UM...- WHOA.

- WHAT UP?HEY!

I'M ADAM.IT'S GREAT TO FINALLY MEET YOU.

WE LIVE RIGHT OVER THERE.

- HOW'S IT GOING?

IT'S A PLEASURETO MEET YOU, SIR.

IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.- THOR.

THOR HOLMVIK.

- THOR?YOUR NAME IS THOR?

AH! THAT IS SO--

I DIDN'T KNOW WHITE PEOPLEHAD COOL NAMES ANYMORE.

- HE HAS A GOD'S NAME.

- TELL ME YOU NAMED YOUR DICK"THOR'S HAMMER."

- YEAH, ME TOO.

- I DIDN'T REALIZE THERE WASSO MUCH BLOOD IN A COW.

- VERY INVOLVED PROCESS.

- OH, MY GOD!

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

- WELL...IT'S THE BLOOD,ANDERS.

- IT'S THE BLOOD.THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

AND GUTS.IT'S JERKY. IT'S PRE-JERKY.

- OKAY, WHATEVER, DUDE.I GOT AN EMERGENCY.

MY DAD'S TRYING TO CRASHAT MY PLACE.

HE'S NOT GOING TO A HOTEL.

THE OPEN HOUSE TOMORROWIS TOTALLY GONNA BLOW MY COVER.

- OH, YOU POOR LITTLEBABY BITCH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DID THOR KICK YOUOUT OF THE AVENGERS?

- YEAH.- SORRY!

WE'RE THE X-MEN.

YOU MUST BE LOOKINGFOR X-FRIENDS.

I THINK THEY'RE DOWN THE ROAD.

- YEAH, LIKE WE WOULD EVERHELP YOU OUT

IN A "QUIMILLION" YEARS.- NOT HAPPENING.

- YEAH,THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

WHY WOULD WE EVERHELP YOU, DUDE?

- BECAUSE I'M GONNA GIVE YOUMY BRAZZERS PASSWORD.

- FINE, WE'LL BETHE BIGGER MEN HERE.

- HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING.

YOU GUYS SHOULD COMEBY THE HOUSE,

MAKE IT LOOK LIKETHERE'S A BREAK-IN,

JUST TIP OVER SOME CHAIRS,EMPTY A DRAWER OR TWO.

JUST ENOUGH TO FREAK HIM OUTSO HE GOES AND STAYS AT A HOTEL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- LET'S DO IT.

- WE WANT THAT PASSWORD FIRSTTHOUGH.

- THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

- STRONG MOVE.WE'LL DO IT YOUR WAY.

- OKAY.

OKAY, NOW JUST WATCH ME.- YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT?- OH!

- WATCH ME.- YEAH!

OKAY.

- YEAH, WE'RE GOOD TO GO.

HIS WALLET.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE'RE BEINGTOO HARD ON DERS, MAN.

HE JUST...LOVES HIS DADA WEIRD AMOUNT.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW,IT'S GOTTA MESS WITH HIS HEAD.

HIS DAD IS JUST SWINGINGTHOR'S HAMMER,

AND YOU KNOW, DERS IS WORKINGWITH THAT LITTLE ICE PICK.

IT'S A BIG DICKTO LIVE UP TO.

- BUT NO GIANT DAD [bleep]IN THE WORLD CAN EXPLAIN THIS.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATIONTICKET STUB.

HE SAW IT WITHOUT US!

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO CRYOR EXPLODE FROM ANGER.

- YOU KNOW WHAT,I DON'T EVEN CARE

HOW MANY FREAKIN' PASSWORDSTHAT GUY GIVES US.

WE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF HIM!

- OH, I'M SO ASHAMEDTO BE THAT DUDE'S FRIEND.

- YEAH, WE'RE GOOD FRIENDS!

- I'M PROUD TO BE YOUR FRIEND,MAN!

- I'M PROUD TO BE YOUR FRIEND!

- I'M ASHAMED OF THAT DUDE!

- THAT GUY SUCKSAND HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE US.

- YEAH, THAT DUDEDOESN'T APPRECIATE ME.

DOESN'T APPRECIATE ME,DOESN'T APPRECIATE--

- APPRECIATE THIS!- DOESN'T APPRECIATE [bleep]!

- HOW ABOUT YOU APPRECIATE THIS?- OH!

HOW ABOUT APPRECIATE THIS?[bleep]!

HE'LL APPRECIATE THAT.

- YEAH.- OH, HI, DERS.

- WHERE'S YOUR LITTLEBABY DICK NOW?

WHERE'S YOUR LITTLEBABY DICK NOW?

- UH, IS THERE A HIDE-A-BEDIN HERE?

THAT IS VERY HEAVY.- NO, THIS IS--

- LET'S FIND SOMETHING ELSETO BREAK.

- OKAY.

- WHOA, HANG ON, HANG ON.HANG ON.

- WHAT? WHAT?- THE DOOR.

- DAD, I THINKI'VE BEEN ROBBED.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?- WE NEED TO BE CAREFUL.

LET'S JUST GET YOUR STUFF.WE'LL GET YOU BACK TO THE HOTEL.

IT'S DEFINITELYNOT SAFE HERE, DAD.

- COME ON.- DAD!

WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!

OH, MY GOD.- WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

- THIS ISN'T WHAT I...EXPECTED TO COME HOME TO.

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