Comedy Central Presents
Season 3

CC Presents: Brian Regan

  • Season 3, Ep 14
  • 09/07/2000

Brian Regan decries Fig Newton serving sizes and the effectiveness of his yoga workout routine.

[laughter]

START UNTUCKING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EAT.

MY DOCTOR TOLD METO READ FOOD LABELS, YOU KNOW.

AND SO I WAS IN THE STORETHE OTHER DAY;

I WAS READINGTHE FIG NEWTONS LABEL.

I'VE ALWAYS LIKED THEM,AND I WAS TRYING TO SEE

IF IT WAS OKAY TO EAT THEM,YOU KNOW.

EVERYTHING LOOKED PRETTY GOOD--THE FAT CONTENT AND EVERYTHING.

SO I'M THINKING I COULD--I COULD EAT THESE.

I LOOKED AT THE SERVING SIZE:TWO COOKIES.

WHO THE HELLEATS TWO COOKIES?

I EAT FIG NEWTONSBY THE SLEEVE.

TWO SLEEVESIS A SERVING SIZE.

I OPEN 'EM BOTH,AND EAT 'EM LIKE A TREE CHIPPER.

[making grinding sound]

FIG NEWTON SHAVINGSCOMING OFF THE SIDE.

THEN I PUT A NEWTON CATCHER,

AND I EMPTY THAT BAG OUTAS A SNACK.

WHAT THE HELLTHEY TALKING ABOUT,

TWO FIG NEWTONS?

THEY'RE THE SIZEOF A POSTAGE STAMP.

"YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE?"

"OH, I DON'T KNOW.

"I'VE ALREADY HADTWO WHOLE ENTIRE FIG NEWTONS.

"MAYBE I COULD TRY TO MUSCLEONE MORE DOWN, BUT I--

I AM STUFFED TO THE RAFTERS."

THEY'RE--THEY'RE NUTS.

"WE GOT AN E.R. HERE.

WE GOT A THREE FIG NEWTONEATER."

"HOW MANY DID HE HAVE?

"WHAT IS HE?NUTS?

DOESN'T HE READ?"

WHO'S COMING UPWITH THE SERVING SIZES?

A SERVING SIZE OF ICE CREAMIS A HALF A CUP.

WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT, LIKE, A JOKESOME GUY PUT ON THERE?

"HEY, COME HERE.

"LOOK WHAT I PUTFOR THE SERVING SIZE.

"DID CHARLIE SEE IT?

"CHARLIE, COME HERE.

"LOOK WHAT I PUTFOR THE SERVING SIZE.

"I JUST DID IT AS A JOKE,BUT IT'S GOING OUT LIKE THAT.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO.

"IT'S ON ALL THE TRUCKS.

JUST LET IT GO, I GUESS."

I THINK A SERVING SIZEOF ICE CREAM

IS WHEN YOU HEAR THE SPOONHIT THE BOTTOM OF THE CONTAINER.

WHEN YOU CAN'T DO THIS NO MORE.

[laughter]

I EVEN RIP THE SIDE.

WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT--HALF A CUP OF ICE CREAM.

THAT'S WHAT--

THAT'S WHAT MY DOCTOR THREW INAS I WAS LEAVING HIS OFFICE.

"OH, AND LAY OFF DAIRY."

I'M LIKE,"WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT KIND OF BLANKET SWEEPIS THAT?"

"LAY OFF DAIRY."

HE SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID,"AND NO MORE HAPPINESS."

I'M TRYING TO LAY OFF DAIRY.

I'M IN THE SUPERMARKETWITH MY LITTLE CART,

AND I'M TRYING TO AVOIDTHE DAIRY AISLE.

I CAN SEE THEY ALL HAVEPARTY HATS ON OVER THERE.

[laughter]

OVER IN THE JUICE AISLE.

I LEARNED SOMETHINGIN THE JUICE AISLE, THOUGH,

AND THAT IS,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IN THE HELLIS GOING ON WITH CRANBERRIES,

BUT THEY'RE GETTING INALL THE OTHER JUICES.

WHOEVER THE SALESMAN ISFOR CRANBERRIES

IS DOING A GREAT JOB.

HE'S SHOWING UP EVERYWHERE.

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU GOT,SOME APPLES?

"PUT SOME CRANBERRIES IN,AND WE'LL CALL IT CRAN-APPLE.

"WHAT YOU GOT, GRAPES?HOW ABOUT CRAN-GRAPE?

"WHAT YOU GOT, MANGOES?CRAN-MANGO.

WHAT DO YOU GOT, PORK CHOPS?CRAN-CHOPS."

[laughter]

WHY DON'T YOU BACK OFF,CRANBERRY MAN?

WHY DON'T YOUTAKE YOUR SALES TROPHY

AND HAVE A VACATION.

MY DOCTOR TOLD METO EAT MORE FRUIT.

WHAT BETTER SOURCETHAN A THIN LAYER

ON A STRAWBERRY-FROSTEDPOP-TART

AND MELTED BUTTER ON TOP?

I'M LOOKINGAT THE POP-TARTS BOX,

AND I NOTICETHEY HAVE DIRECTIONS ON THERE.

[laughter]

I GIVE UP ON THIS SPECIES.

LIKE, IF THE DIRECTIONSWEREN'T ON THE BOX,

WOULD SOMEBODY--

"WHAT THE--

HOW DO I GET THAT GOODNESSIN ME?"

[laughter]

YOU DON'T GOTTA WORRY, MAN.YOU GOT DIRECTIONS.

THEY HAVE TWO FULL SETSOF DIRECTIONS.

THEY HAVE TOASTER DIRECTIONS,WHICH--I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

THE TOASTER DIRECTIONSARE LONGER THAN ONE STEP.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S POSSIBLE

THAT THE DIRECTIONSARE LONGER THAN ONE STEP.

YOU THINK IT WOULD BE "STEP ONE:TOAST THE POP-TARTS.

[laughter]

"GO AHEAD.TOAST 'EM.

"IT'S OKAY.

HEY, ARE YOU STILLREADING THIS?"

BUT THEY'VE MANAGEDTO BREAK IT UP

INTO SMALLER INCREMENTS.

THESE ARE THE ACTUALTOASTER STEPS.

I WANNA BE IN THE ROOMWATCHING SOMEBODY

WHO HAS TO CONSULT THESE STEPS.

"NUMBER ONE,REMOVE PASTRY FROM POUCH.

"OKAY.

"YEAH.

"I SEE WHERE THEY'RE GOINGWITH THIS.

"WE ARE BANGINGON ALL CYLINDERS NOW.

"OKAY.NUMBER TWO, INSERT PASTRY.

"OH, OKAY.VERTICALLY INTO TOASTER.

I GOTTA GET A TOASTER."

IT'S, LIKE, TWO OF, LIKE,17 TOASTER STEPS.

AND THEN THEY HAVEMICROWAVE DIRECTIONS.

YOU CAN MICROWAVE A POP-TART.

THAT JUST BLEW ME AWAYTHAT YOU COULD DO THAT.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKETO TOAST A POP-TART?

A MINUTE AND A HALFIF YOU WANT IT DARK?

PEOPLE DON'T HAVETHAT KIND OF TIME?

LISTEN, IF YOU NEED TOZAP-FRY YOUR POP-TARTS

BEFORE YOU HEAD OUT THE DOOR,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOSEN UPYOUR SCHEDULE.

AND I SWEAR, IT SAYS,

"MICROWAVE ON HIGHFOR THREE SECONDS."

THAT'S ALL.

I DON'T THINK I WANT TO WAKE UP

AND BE EATINGIN THREE SECONDS.

THE ALARM GOES OFF--BUZZ--

"IT'S LATE!I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"

IF YOU'RE WAKING, EATING,AND HAULING IN THREE SECONDS,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.I WANT TO DO SOMETHING EASY.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING,YOU KNOW.

I THOUGHT YOGA WAS EASY.

I WENT OUTAND I BOUGHT A YOGA VIDEOTAPE.

I BOUGHTTHE BEGINNER'S YOGA TAPE.

I COULDN'T DO ANYTHINGIN THE WHOLE HOUR, NOTHING.

JUST--JUST FAST-FORWARDING.

"NOPE, CAN'T DO THAT.

"CAN'T DO THAT.CAN'T DO THAT.

I KNOW I CAN'T DO THAT."

THIS WOMAN, LIKE,IN A SOOTHING VOICE,

"SIMPLY TAKE THE BOTTOMOF YOUR RIGHT FOOT

"AND PLACE IT ON THE SMALLOF YOUR BACK.

[laughter]

"NOW TAKE YOUR LEFT LEG,

"THROW IT OVER THE BACKOF YOUR NECK LIKE A SCARF,

AND BREATHE."

I CAN'T BREATHE.

THEY HAD A THINGCALLED THE RELAXATION POSE,

WHICH I COULDN'T EVEN DO.

WHAT KIND OF SHAPE AM I IN,I CAN'T RELAX?

I COULDN'T DO IT.

"IT'S TIMEFOR THE RELAXATION POSE.

"KNEEL DOWN ON THE FLOOR

"WITH YOUR TOESPOINTED BACK BEHIND YOU.

SIT DOWN ON YOUR HEELSAND RELAX."

[laughter]

I CAN HEARMY FEET BONES CRACKING.

RELAX.

IF SHE REALLY WANTED METO RELAX, SHE SHOULD SAY,

"GO GET YOUR FAVORITE PILLOW,CURL UP ON THE COUCH,

"THROW THIS TAPE AWAY,

AND RELAX.RELAX."

I JOINED THE HEALTH CLUB,AND THAT'S INTIMIDATING.

THEY ALWAYS HAVE SOME BIGGIANT GUY SHOWING YOU AROUND.

"HEY, THINKING OF JOINING HERE,FOLLOW HIM."

I FELT LIKE A LITTLE MONKEY.

"WHERE ARE WE GOING,THUNDER?"

THEY GAVE ME A CLIPBOARDFOR MY FIRST DAY.

CAN YOU FEEL LIKE MOREOF A LOSER WITH A CLIPBOARD?

"I'M NEW.

I'M SUPPOSED TO CHECK THINGSAS I SEE 'EM."

[laughter]

AND I THINK THE GUYWAS MAKING UP MUSCLE NAMES

JUST TO PLAY GAMES WITH ME,YOU KNOW.

THIS MACHINE RIGHT HERE--IT'S FOR YOUR FLACK-TOID.

[laughter]

THAT'S THE TOIDI'M WORKING ON.

AND THEN HE LEAVES.

I DON'T REMEMBERANYTHING HE SAID.

ALL I KNOW IS I DON'T THINKI EVER FELT SO ALONE IN MY LIFE.

I'M IN A HEALTH CLUBWITH A CLIPBOARD,

AND NOBODY'S TALKING TO ME,YOU KNOW.

I HAD BLACK SOCKS ON.

ALL I KNEW IS I DIDN'TWANT TO FOLLOW THESE BIG GUYS

THAT ARE ABLE TO MOVE THEENTIRE RACK OF PLATES, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T WANT TO GO NEXTAND BE MOVING ONLY TWO PLATES.

CLANK.CLANK.

CLANK.

"I'M THE TWO-PLATE GUY."

CLANK.

"WHO WANTS TO SPOT ME?"

CLANK.

[applause]

SO I GET AWAY FROM THESE GUYS,

AND I GO OVERTO THIS OTHER AREA

WHERE THERE'S NOBODY AROUND,AND I GOT INTO THIS ONE THING,

BUT I GOT INTO IT WRONG,APPARENTLY.

I DON'T WHERE YOUR ARMS AND LEGSARE SUPPOSED TO GO,

SO I JUST GET IN THERE,AND I JUST START MOVING STUFF.

[laughter]

THIS GUY COMES UP--

"HEY, BUDDY,WOULD YOU MIND

GETTING OUTOF THE PAINTERS SCAFFOLDING?"

YOU SEEN THESE THINGS?

THEY GOT, LIKE,THESE BIG NORDIC-LOOKING GUYS.

THEIR NECK STARTS, LIKE,AT THE TOP OF THEIR EARS.

THERE'S NO VOWELSIN THEIR NAME.

THEIR NAME IS LIKEKITIKUSVADAGOGIN.

HOW DO YOU CALL HIMFOR DINNER?

"KITIKUSVADAGOGIN, GET YOURBROTHER, GUTUSROGINGOGIN,

"GUTUSROGINGOGIN.

WE'RE HAVING GOULASH."

I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF THEM,YOU KNOW.

IN CASE ONE OF 'EM'S HERE.

IT'S THE COMPETITIONTHAT I THINK IS WEIRD, YOU KNOW.

THEY'RE NOT LIFTING WEIGHTS.

IT'S LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, KALKERVIC.

"WE FILLED THESE GRAND PIANOSWITH MOLTEN LEAD.

"SEE HOW MANY YOU CAN HURLIN THAT THIRD STORY WINDOW

IN 30 SECONDS."

[laughter]

[screaming]

I'M AT HOME--

"PUT IT DOWN.THEY DON'T NEED TO BE UP THERE.

"I'M SURE OF IT.

YOUR BACK'S GONNA SNAPLIKE A TWIG."

YOU THINK ONE OF THEM WOULD SAY,

"WHY DON'T WE RIG UPA PULLEY SYSTEM?"

YOU KNOW?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO EAT,

AND I HAVE A FRIENDWHO SWEARS BY FOOD COMBINATIONS.

YOU HEARD OF THIS NONSENSE?

SHE'S NUTS.

SHE'S LIKE,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"YOU CAN--YOU SHOULD EATFOOD COMBINATIONS,

"AND THAT WAY, YOU CAN EATWHATEVER YOU WANT.

"IT'S JUST THE COMBINATIONS

"OF HOW YOUPUT THE FOOD TOGETHER.

YOU CAN EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT."

AND THEN HER EXAMPLES ARE LIKE,

"LIKE, YOU WOULDN'TWANT TO EAT, LIKE,

"STEAK AND POTATOES TOGETHER.

"BUT YOU COULD HAVE, LIKE,A LEMON RIND AND RAISIN SKINS--

"NOT THE WHOLE RAISIN.

"TAKE THE SKINSAND STEAM 'EM.

"YOU CAN EATWHATEVER YOU WANT.

YOU CAN EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT."

I WAS IN THE STORE.

I SAW THAT PEANUT BUTTERAND JELLY IN THE SAME JAR STUFF.

WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?

IS THERE A POINT TO THAT?

I MEAN, I'M LAZY,BUT YOU KNOW--

I WANT TO MEET THE GUYTHAT NEEDS THAT, YOU KNOW.

SOME GUY GOING, YOU KNOW,"I COULD GO FOR A SANDWICH,

"BUT I'M NOT GONNAOPEN TWO JARS.

[laughter]

"I CAN'T BE OPENING AND CLOSINGALL KINDS OF JARS,

CLEANING WHO KNOWSHOW MANY KNIVES."

IF YOU'RE THAT LAZY,WHY NOT PUT CROUTONS IN THERE

AND GET THE WHOLE SANDWICHON ONE SPOON?

"SCRUMPTIOUS.

"I WILL HAVE A SECOND.

DELECTABLE, AS WAS THE FIRST."

IF YOU DON'TWANT TO CLEAN THE SPOON,

YOU PUT ON A SQUEEZE BOTTLE.

"LUNCH AND NO CLEANUP.

"CAN LIFE GET BETTER?

I SUBMIT THAT IT CANNOT."

[laughter]

I EAT LIKE A KID.

I LIKE CHEF BOYARDEE--

THE RAVIOLIAND YOU KNOW--

BUT THEY HAVE SOME STUFFI'VE NEVER SEEN

IN THE REAL ITALIAN FOOD WORLD,YOU KNOW.

YOU EVER BEENIN A NICE ITALIAN RESTAURANT?

"HI, HOW ARE YOU?

"I'D LIKE TO STARTWITH A NICE BOTTLE OF CHIANTI

"AND COUPLE OF CAESAR SALADSTO GET STARTED,

"AND I'M GONNA HAVETHE BEEF-A-RONI.

[laughter]

SOME TEENAGE MUTANT NINJATURTLES FOR THE LADY."

PEOPLE REFER TO FOOD DIFFERENTLY

IN DIFFERENT PARTSOF THE COUNTRY,

I'VE COME TO FIND OUT.

I GREW UP IN MIAMI, FLORIDA.

WENT TO A SMALL COLLEGEIN OHIO.

MY ROOMMATE MY FRESHMAN YEARWAS FROM NEW JERSEY.

OUR FIRST NIGHT IN THE DORM,I HAD NEVER MET THIS GUY.

HE GOES, "HEY, YOU WANNAGO HALVES ON A PIE?"

I WAS LIKE--

[laughter]

I FOUND OUT LATER,HE MEANT PIZZA.

I HAD NEVER THAT PUT LIKE THATIN MY WHOLE LIFE.

I THOUGHT HE WANTEDTO GET A PIE, AND I WAS LIKE--

"YOU WANNA GET A PIE?"

HE'S ALL EXCITED.

"YOU KNOW, I FIGURE WE'LLGO HALVES ON A PIE, YOU KNOW.

CELEBRATE.SPLIT A PIE."

[laughter]

"WELL, I HADN'T REALLYTHOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU?LITTLE JACK HORNER?"

THIS GUY WANTED A PIE.

SO I WANTED TO BE OPEN-MINDED.IT'S MY FIRST DAY IN COLLEGE.

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, OKAY,LET'S GET A PIE.

YOU SEEM TO LIKE PIES."

SO WE GOT HALF PEPPERONIAND HALF PUMPKIN.

[laughter]

I LIKE THE INTERNATIONALHOUSE OF PANCAKES, YOU KNOW.

I'VE ALWAYS LIKEDTHEIR PANCAKES.

[applause]

THEY'RE GOOD.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHO DESIGNEDTHE ROOF TO THAT PLACE.

IT'S A BIT MUCH, ISN'T IT,YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE A CATHEDRAL.

THEY'RE JUST PANCAKES.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORSHIP 'EM.

♪ PANCAKES.PANCAKES. ♪

♪ PANCAKES.

I JUST HAD MY PRESCRIPTIONCHANGED AFTER SIX YEARS.

YOU EVER WAIT THAT LONG?

AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE,"MAN, I CAN SEE."

HOW CANINSTANTLY IMPROVED VISION

NOT BE AT THE TOPOF YOUR TO-DO LIST?

"I'LL SEE TOMORROW.

I GOT A SOCK DRAWERI GOTTA SORT OUT."

SO I GO IN FOR THE EYE TEST.

AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I CONCENTRATE LIKE CRAZYDURING THE EYE EXAM, YOU KNOW.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET NO "D"ON THAT THING.

END UP WITH THESE BIG THICKCOKE-BOTTLE GLASSES.

"I DIDN'T TAKE IT SERIOUS."

[laughter]

ARE YOU STILL IN HERE?

[laughter]

SO I GO INFOR THE BIG EYE EXAM,

AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I, YOU KNOW--I'M SITTING IN THAT CHAIR,

AND THEY SLIDETHAT BIG GIANT THING ON MY FACE.

ARE THESE MY GLASSES?

BE A HELL OF A PAIR OF GLASSES.

DO I LIKE IT BETTER LIKE THISOR LIKE THIS?

I LIKE THIS ONEOR THIS ONE?

I LIKE THIS ONE,

BUT I HAVE TO SEETHIS ONE AGAIN.

THIS ONE--WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT--

WHAT'S GOING ONWITH THAT TEST?

I DRIVE MY EYE DOCTOR NUTSWITH IT, 'CAUSE I CAN'T COMMIT.

I CAN FEEL HIMLOSING HIS PATIENCE.

HE'S LIKE, "DO YOU LIKENUMBER ONE OR NUMBER TWO?"

[laughter]

"OH, I DON'T KNOW.LET'S SEE.

"WE HAD NUMBER ONEAND NUMBER TWO.

I THINK WE'RE GONNABE HERE AWHILE."

I'M SURPRISED HE DOESN'TCOVER ONE WITH BLACK TAPE.

"IS THE OTHER ONE CLEAR NOW?GET OUT OF HERE."

THERE'S TOO MUCH PRESSUREIN THE EYE TEST.

THEY DO ONE TEST ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR.

ALL I KNOWIS I GET AN ANXIETY ATTACK

IN THE MIDDLEOF THE DAMN THING.

TELL ME THE EXACT MOMENTPOINT "A"

IS DIRECTLY OVER POINT B.

I'M LIKE, "OHHH...

[laughter]

"NOW!

"NO, NOW!

"NOW!

THEN!"

I DON'T KNOW.I DON'T KNOW.

I'M WORRIED IF I'M OFFBY AN EIGHTH OF A SECOND,

I'LL GET, LIKE,THESE BIG GIANT HUBBELL

COMING-ATTRACTION GLASSES.

"BOY, YOU MUST HAVE MESSED UPTHAT A/B TEST."

"DID I EVER.

HENCE THE CORRECTIVESPECTACLES."

WHAT ARE THEY IMPROVING?

MY ABILITY TO WATCH CARS PASSON THE HIGHWAY?

"THEY PASS NOW!AND THEY PASS NOW!"

"MAN, YOU'RE NAILIN' ITON THE NOGGIN."

IT'S JUST HIM AND ME.IT'S DARK IN THERE.

THE DOOR'S CLOSED.

I FEEL WEIRD WHEN HE SLIDESHIS CHAIR UP

UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE THERE.

[making squeaking sounds]

HE'S LIKE THIS FARFROM MY FACE,

AND HE SHINES, LIKE,THIS GOOFY LIGHT INTO MY EYES

FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

[laughter]

[breathing heavily]

"HOW YOU DOING THERE?"

"I'M A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.CAN YOU BACK UP A TAD?

YOU WANT A PIECE OF GUM?"

HE ASKEDIF I WANTED TRIFOCALS.

I'VE BEEN AWAYFROM THE EYE DOCTOR TOO LONG.

I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

TRIFOCALS?

HE GOES, "YEAH, YOU CAN SEETHREE DIFFERENT DISTANCES

"DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LOOKTHROUGH THE LENS.

YOU CAN SEE CLOSE, MEDIUM,OR FAR AWAY."

AND I WAS LIKE,

"I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINEGETTING USED TO THAT, ALL RIGHT?

"THERE'S A BOOK!THERE'S A PLANE!

THERE'S ALPHA CENTAURI!"

[laughter]

ANYBODY HAVE A NEED FOR THAT,YOU KNOW?

"IS THAT A FLY ON MY NOSE?

IS THAT A COMET?"

[laughter]

SO MY EYE DOCTOR TOLD ME THIS.I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

HE GOES, "YOU KNOWYOU HAVE ONE EYE

SET A LITTLE BIT HIGHERTHAN YOUR OTHER EYE?"

"NO, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT."

HE GOES,"IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

"IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOUR VISIONOR ANYTHING.

"I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHTWANT TO BE SELF-CONSCIOUS

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."

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