Comedy Central Presents
Season 14

CC Presents: Mike DeStefano

  • Season 14, Ep 20
  • 01/11/2010

I DON'T KNOWIF YOU'VE HEARD OF IT.WHOO!

OH, YOU KNOW IT?OKAY. YEAH.

WELL, IT'SA [BLEEP] HOLE, SO...

AND IF YOU WERE THEREFOR ANY REASON,

YOU SHOULD REALLY CONSIDERNOT GOING THERE AGAIN.

IT WAS AWFUL.

NOW, I WENT THERE, LIKE,RIGHT AFTER THE ELECTION.

NOW, I DIDN'T VOTE FOR OBAMA,BECAUSE I HAVE FELONIES.

BUT I ROOTED FOR OBAMA, OKAY?

I WAS AT HOME SAYING,"GET HIM, OBAMA! GET HIM!"

I JUST WANTED STUFFTO CHANGE, YOU KNOW?

I WANTED TO SEE CHANGEIN THE COUNTRY.

SO WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT.

SO, I GO TO THIS TOWNWITH ALL OF THESE, LIKE,

INB-- YOU KNOW, HILLBIL-- HILL--

THERE WAS A BUMPER STICKERON A CAR THAT SAID,

"I AM THE PROUD FATHEROF A NEPHEW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS THE KIND OF PLACEI'M TALKING ABOUT.

SO -- SO, I COME OUT ONSTAGE.

IT'S A NICE CROWD LIKE THIS,AND I SAID, "YAY, OBAMA!"

YOU KNOW, JUST TO BREAK BALLS,YOU KNOW. THAT'S WHAT I DO.

AND I FIGURED THEY'D LAUGHAND GO

[Southern accent]"OH, HE'S JUST --

"HEY, SKEETER,DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID?

HE SAID 'OBAMA.'WE DIDN'T VOTE FOR O--"

[ Normal voice ]THEY JUST LOOKED AT ME

LIKE I SHOWED THEM MATHOR SOMETHING,

LIKE I PULLED OUT A BOOKAND SHOWED THEM WORDS.

THEY WERE LIKE, "UNH-UNH!"

AND, YOU KNOW,

THEY WERE THOSE BIG, FAT,PROFESSIONAL AMERICANS.

YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Southern accent ]"I LOVE AMERICA."

[ Normal voice ]"WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO?"

[ Southern accent ]"LOVE AMERICA."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"DON'T LIKE --DON'T LIKE COLOREDS.

"DON'T LIKE PUERTO RICANS,COLOREDS, AND QUEERS,

BUT I LOVE AMERICA."

[ Normal voice ] SO BASICALLYYOU HATE 95% OF AMERICANS,

BUT YOU LOVE AMERICA.

AND SO ONE OF THEM GOT UP.

I SAID, "YOU GUYS ARE UPSET

BECAUSE WE HAVEA BLACK PRESIDENT."

AND THIS ONE GUY GOT UPWITH HIS AMERICAN FLAG HAT ON.

[ Southern accent ]"THAT AIN'T GOT NOTHIN'TO DO WITH IT, BUDDY.

WE DON'T LIKE HIS POLICIES."

[ Normal voice ] SO I SAID,

"IF ANYBODY IN THIS BUILDINGCAN SPELL 'POLICIES,'

I-I WILL MOVE ONTO ANOTHER SUBJECT."

I WAS ON DRUGSMOST OF MY LIFE, OKAY?

AND I'LL TELL YOUNG PEOPLE --DON'T DO DRUGS.

DON'T DO DRUGS,BECAUSE IF YOU DO,

YOU'LL END UP WITH A "COMEDYCENTRAL PRESENTS" SPECIAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S MY STORY.WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

"WOULD YOU TALK TO MY KIDS?"

WHY DON'T YOU TALKTO YOUR OWN [BLEEP] KIDS?

HOW'S THAT SOUND?

MAYBE YOUR KIDS DO DRUGSBECAUSE THEY HAVE PARENTS

THAT ASK STRANGERS TO TALKTO THEM ABOUT NOT DOING DRUGS.

NO, DON'T DO DRUGS.

DON'T DO IT, 'CAUSE ESPECIALLYHEROIN -- IT'S LIKE -- OH!

HEROIN'S LIKE HAVING ORAL SEX

AND, AT THE SAME TIME,A PUPPY'S LICKING YOUR FACE.

YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO.

STAY IN SCHOOL, ALL RIGHT?

YOUNG PEOPLE, LISTEN TO ME.STAY IN SCHOOL.

WHEN YOU GET OUT OF SCHOOL,YOU GET A DEGREE AND A CUBICLE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET --A CUBICLE.

IT'S A BOX MADE OUT OF CARPET.

THEY CALL IT A CUBICLE.

THEY CALL IT A CUBICLE SO YOUDON'T STAB YOURSELF TO DEATH

AT LUNCH WITH A LETTER OPENER.

YOU SIT THERE.YOU SIT THERE, AND YOU STARE.

"GET IN YOUR BOX.GET THE [BLEEP] IN YOUR BOX!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND YOU SIT THERE,

AND YOUR WRISTS ARE SWOLLENFROM THE CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME.

YOU GOT LITTLE HEADACHESBUBBLING UP. THEY'RE TUMORS.

BUT, HEY, FRIDAY'S DRESS-DOWNDAY, SO IT ALL WORKS OUT.

YOU GO TO CHEMO ON WEDNESDAY,YOU CAN WEAR REEBOKS ON FRIDAY.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.SIGN ME UP.

WHAT ARE YOU [BLEEP] STUPID?

YOU WANT TO MOTIVATETHE EMPLOYEES?

HAVE "KICK THE [BLEEP] OUTOF YOUR CO-WORKER" WEDNESDAY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.SOMETHING WE COULD USE.

RIGHT?

COME ON.

YOU GO UP TO BETTY IN ACCOUNTINGAND SAY,

"HEY, BETTY, YOU LIKE TAKINGMY STAPLER, YOU [BLEEP] BITCH?"

AND BANG HER IN THE [BLEEP] HEADWITH IT.

TRY IT. IT WORKS.

ANYBODY WHO SAYS THAT VIOLENCEIN THE WORKPLACE ISN'T EFFECTIVE

HAS NEVER BEEN HIT IN THE HEADWITH A STAPLER, APPARENTLY.

IT WILL CHANGE BEHAVIOR.

YEAH.

WHAT ABOUTTHESE LITTLE WHITE KIDS?

YOU GOT THEM WHERE YOULIVE -- THAT THEY DRESSLIKE ANGRY BLACK GUYS?

YOU EVER SEE THEM?

I KNOW WE'VE TALKEDABOUT THAT MILLIONS OF TIMES,

BUT I HAVE A LITTLE DIFFERENTTAKE ON IT.

I THINK OBAMA,NOW THAT HE'S THE PRESIDENT,

SHOULD, AS REPARATIONSFOR SLAVERY,

GATHER UP ALL THESELITTLE WHITE KIDS

AND LET BLACK PEOPLEOWN ONE OF THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST AN IDEA.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, WHITE PEOPLE?A LITTLE SCARY?

THAT'LL BE BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT?

"GO GET ME A GRAPE SODA,CRACKER ASS."

YEAH?

SOME LADY ONE NIGHT SAID,"THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T ALL DRINKGRAPE SODA."

I SAID, "LADY, THAT JOKEWAS SUGGESTING

WE BRING SLAVERYBACK TO OUR COUNTRY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT'S NOT WHAT GOT YOU, HUH?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

UNBELIEVABLE.

I DON'T APOLOGIZETO PEOPLE A LOT

BECAUSE I DON'T GIVEA [BLEEP] ENOUGH TO.

BUT I WASN'T THERE,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.I WAS ON DRUGS ALL MY LIFE.

THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF BEING ME.I CAN'T GET BLAMED FOR ANYTHING.

LIKE, IF A BLACK MAN SAYS,"I'M TIRED OF THE WHITE MAN,"

ME TOO -- WHERE IS HE?

LET'S GET HIM.

IT WASN'T ME. I WAS HIGH.

I COULDN'T HOLD DOWN LUNCH,LET ALONE A BROTHER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S CRAZY, MAN.

PEOPLE GET ANGRY AT SILLY STUFF,YOU KNOW? RIDICULOUS.

YOU EVER ASK A WOMANHOW OLD SHE IS?

SHE GETS ALL ANGRY AT YOU.

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?""THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS."

"OH, I SEE. IT'S MY FAULTTHAT YOU HATE YOURSELF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

INSTEAD OF APOLOGIZING,I SAY SOMETHING MORE OFFENSIVE

SO THAT THE LAST THING'SNOT THAT BAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?""NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

"HOW BIG IS YOUR VAGINA?"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND SHE SAID, "I'M 43."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WORKS EVERY TIME.IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

TAKING OUR JOBS."

[ Normal voice ]WHAT? TAKING OUR JOBS?

WHAT WERE YOU, AN EXFOLIATOR?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Southern accent ] "I DON'TLIKE QUEERS. I HATE QUEERS."

[ Normal voice ] "WHY DO YOUHATE QUEERS...BUFORD? TELL US."

[ Southern accent ] "'CAUSE THEYALL WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME."

[ Normal voice ]OH, YEAH, IT MUST BE

THAT SIX-MONTH-OLD,DRIED-UP BROWN GRAVY

ON YOUR NASCAR SHIRT.

THEY REALLY LOVE THAT.

HOMOPHOBES ARE THE DUMBESTSONS OF BITCHES AROUND.

THEY ALL --YOU GOT TO BE OUT OF YOUR MIND.

THEY ACT LIKE, "OH, THEY ALLWANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME."

LOOK IN A MIRROR.YOU'RE SAFE.

THEY'RE GAY.THEY'RE NOT BLIND.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GAY PEOPLE ARE ALL RIGHT.

NOW, YOUNG GAY KIDS AREANNOYING, I GOT TO BE HONEST.

THEY ARE --

THE YOUNG BOYS WHO HAVEN'TGOTTEN THE E-MAIL YET.

"SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP.NOBODY HATES US ANYMORE.

IT'S OVER.MOVE ON TO SOMETHING ELSE."

"OH, I'M GAY! I'M GAY!I'M GAY!

AND YOU HATE MEBECAUSE I'M GAY!"

IN ORDER FOR ME TO HATE YOU,

I WOULD HAVE TOTHINK ABOUT YOU FIRST,

AND I'M NOT DOING THAT.

NOW YOU GOT SOMETHING TO BEUPSET ABOUT, DON'T YOU?

"I JUST WANT TO BE TREATEDLIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

I JUST WANT TO BE TREATEDLIKE EVERYONE ELSE!"

WELL, EVERYONE ELSE ISNOT WEARING LEOTARDS

AND SCREAMING AT TRAFFIC.

YOUR BEHAVIOR IS INCONSISTENT

WITH YOUR DESIRE TO BE TREATEDLIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LIKE, I WANT TO BE REINCARNATEDAS A BLACK MAN.

THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING,I WANT TO BE A BIG BLACK DUDE.

I MEAN, NOT NEXT LIFE -- I WANTTO BE WHITE ONE MORE TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, I DO A LOT OF JOKESABOUT BLACK PEOPLE

BECAUSE MY THIRD BEST FRIENDIS BLACK, OKAY?

YEAH. AND I'VE HAD PEOPLE SAY,"WHY'S HE GOT TO BE THIRD?"

AND I'M LIKE,"WELL, MR. SHARPTON..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"...HE'S NOT THAT GOODOF A FRIEND.

"IF HE WAS A BETTER FRIEND,I'D MOVE HIS BLACK ASS UP.

"I'M NOT HOLDING HIM DOWN.I'M NOT HOLDING A BROTHER DOWN.

I JUST DON'T HAVEAFFIRMATIVE ACTION FRIENDSHIPS."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[ Southern accent ] "WE DON'TAPPRECIATE THAT, BUDDY.

WE'RE GONNA KILL YOU, BUDDY."

[ Normal voice ]"WELL, IF I'M YOUR BUDDY,WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?

IT MAKES NO SENSE."

[ Southern accent ]"I'LL KILL YOU, BUDDY."

[ Normal voice ]ITALIANS DO THE SAME THING --"I'M GONNA CUT YOUR HEAD OFF.

"I'M GONNA STICK ITIN THAT GARBAGE CAN OVER THERE,

MY FRIEND."

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK

THAT I'M STEREOTYPINGHILLBILLY PEOPLE

AND PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH.

I'M NOT. I'M JUDGING THEM.

I'M JUDGING THEM.

THEY'RE FILTHY, USELESS ANIMALS,

AND WE DON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE.

WE DON'T NEED THEM.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OKAY?WE DON'T NEED THEM.

IN FACT, YOU COULD TAKE THE EASTCOAST AND THE WEST COAST,

AND THE REST CAN JUST GO AWAY.

IT'S ALL --JUST GET RID OF THE MIDDLE.

WE DON'T NEED THE MIDDLE.

AND THERE'STOO MANY PEOPLE ALIVE.

THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY.

THERE ARETOO MANY PEOPLE ALIVE.

THAT'S RIGHT. I SAID IT --TOO MANY PEOPLE ALIVE.

I WORKED ON A SUICIDE HOTLINE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MISTAKES WERE MADE.

MISTAKES WERE MADE.

I WOULD ANSWER THE PHONE,

"SUICIDE HOTLINE --LIFE'S NOT FOR EVERYONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU'RE ONTHE RIGHT TRACK, SIR, REALLY.

TRY NOT TO [BLEEP] IT UP."

THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT.

LIKE, THERE'S A GODTHAT MADE ALL OF US AND SAID,

"OH, I'M GONNA MAKE PEOPLE GAY."

"OH, NO, THAT'S A CHOICE."ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU DON'T LEARN -- YOU DON'T --THAT'S NOT A CHOICE.

THAT IS NOT A CHOICE.

GAY GUYS ARE BORN GAY --END OF STORY.

GIRLS COULD BECOME GAY.THEY COULD BE.

"I'M PISSED OFF AT GUYS,AND I'M GONNA GO BE A LESBIAN."

GUYS DON'T EVEN HAVETHAT THOUGHT PROCESS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"I'LL SHOW YOU.

I'M GONNA GO BANG YOUR COUSINJOHN, TEACH YOU A LESSON."

WE DON'T THINK LIKE THAT.

BUT GAY GUYS ARE BORN GAY.

THERE'S NO QUESTION.I KNOW FOR A FACT.

I WAS IN AN INCUBATORNEXT TO A GAY BABY.

I'M TELLING YOU.

I WAS JUST LAYING THERE,INCUBATING. I LOOKED OVER.

HE WAS POLISHINGAND WAVING AT ME AT WHATNOT.

SO IF GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES,

THEN HE DIDN'TMISTAKENLY MAKE GAY PEOPLE.

SO THEY'RE NOTGOING TO HELL FOR THAT.

BUT IN THE BIBLE --

IF YOU READ THE BIBLE,YOU HEATHEN BASTARDS --

THERE ARE SEVEN DEADLY SINS.

ONE OF THEM IS PRIDE.

GAY PEOPLE WENT AND NAMEDA [BLEEP] PARADE...

AFTER ONE OF THE SEVENDEADLY SINS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT THE HELLIS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

YOU GOT AWAY WITH BEING GAYALL YOUR LIVES.

NOW YOU'RE GONNA GO TO HELLFOR A GODDAMN PARADE.

IT'S SO RIDICULOUS, MAN.

I DON'T LIKE -- YOU EVER HAVEA STRAIGHT FRIEND TELL YOU,

"DOES THIS SHIRT LOOK GAY?"

"WELL, YOU'RE NOT GAY, SO,NO, THE SHIRT DON'T LOOK GAY."

I HAD A FRIENDCALL ME UP ONE DAY AND SAY,

"MIKE, THIS ISGONNA SOUND REALLY GAY."

AND I SAID, "ARE YOU SITTINGON A GUY'S [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"...AS YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS,

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE NOT, THEN IT'SPROBABLY NOT GONNA SOUND GAY."

YOU EVER SIT WITH A WOMAN,AND A GAY GUY WALKS BY,

AND HE'S ALL RIPPEDAND IN GREAT SHAPE,

AND SHE SAYS, "SHAME HE'S GAY."

YEAH, IT'S ALSO A SHAMETHAT KILLING YOU'S ILLEGAL.

MY EX DROVE ME NUTS.OH, GOD, SHE WAS AWFUL.

WE WERE WATCHINGA TELEVISION SHOW ONCE,

AND IT WAS ABOUT EUTHANASIA,YOU KNOW, MERCY KILLINGS.

AND SHE SAID, "WOULD YOU DO THATFOR ME IF I WAS REALLY SICK?"

I SAID, "I'LL DO THAT FOR YOUIF YOU GET THE FLU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"JUST LET ME KNOW."

UNBELIEVABLE.

ANOTHER TIME, WE WERE WATCHING"ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT" --

ONE OF THOSE TV SHOWSABOUT CELEBRITIES --

AND SHE SAID,"MIKE, WHAT WOULD OUR NAMES BE

IF WE WERE FAMOUSLIKE BRANGELINA?"

I SAID, "MUNT."

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

LOOK AT YOU -- ALL THE YOUNG,BEAUTIFUL, GOOD-LOOKING KIDS.

WOW.

[BLEEP] YOU.

[BLEEP] YOU,YOU LITTLE BASTARDS,

WITH THAT STUPID LOOK OF HOPE.

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT,YOU UNDERSTAND?

BAD THINGS ARE COMING.

BUT JUST GET AN iPodAND BLOCK IT ALL OUT.

I CAN'T TAKE YOUNG KIDS ANYMORE.IT'S AMAZING.

I HEARD SOME KID TELL HIS FRIENDTHE OTHER DAY,

"DUDE, I WOULD DIEWITHOUT MY BlackBerry."

SO I SAID, "DO YOU PROMISE?"

AND THEN I TOOKHIS BlackBerry...

AND THEN I KILLED HIM.

SO HE WAS RIGHT.HE WAS ACTUALLY RIGHT.

YEAH.

I'M HALF IRISH AND HALF ITALIAN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]NOW -- OKAY. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I NEVER TOLD ANYBODYABOUT THE HALF-IRISH PART.

I GREW UP IN A NEIGHBORHOODWHERE EVERYBODY WAS ITALIAN.

I HAD A CHINESE FRIENDNAMED FABRIZIO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MEAN, WE ALL JUST ACTEDITALIAN. IT WAS RIDICULOUS.

WE HAD THESE TWO RUSSIAN KIDS --

FRANKIE AND VINNY RANDAZZO.

WHEN THEY CURSED AT YOU --

YOU EVER GET CURSED OUTBY A FOREIGNER?

IT'S THE BEST.

"I'LL PUNCH YOUR ASSIN YOUR [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

"I WILL KILL YOUR ASS.

I WILL PUNCH YOUR MOTHERIN THE ASS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY DRIVE CABS NOW.

I DON'T LIKE CABDRIVERSIN NEW YORK. THEY'RE AWFUL.

THEY'RE RACIST,AND THEY SMELL LIKE SADNESS.

THEY'RE AWFUL.

I WANT THE BLACK PEOPLE TO KNOWI'M DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I HAIL CABSFOR BLACK PEOPLE FOR $7.

I DO IT TO HELP OUT, OKAY?

I'M TIRED OF RACISM.

I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR 40 YEARS.I'M TIRED.

I WANT IT TO STOP.

IT'S GREAT. I GET THE CAB.

THE BLACK PEOPLE HIDEBEHIND ANOTHER CAR.

THEY PULL OVER.ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE JUMP OUT.

AND THE CAB DRIVER SAYS

[Indian accent]"I DON'T WANT A PROBLEM."

I SAY, "WELL, TONIGHT,

"YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOT GONNA BECOMING BACK FROM BROOKLYN,

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH."

I WAS FRIGHTENED TO DEATHAT A SCHOOL.

I GREW UP CATHOLIC.THEY YELL AT YOU.

"JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS!"I'M LIKE, "I'M 5!"

[ Irish accent ] "DON'T TOUCHYOUR PENIS. YOU'LL GO TO HELL.

LET FATHER FLANAGANTOUCH IT FOR YOU. COME HERE."

[ Normal voice ]OH, FATHER FLANAGAN.

FATHER FLANAGANDON'T GO TO HELL.

HE JUST GOESTO ANOTHER PARISH, HUH?

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

AND HERE'S HOW A CHRISTIAN --A FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN --

TELLS YOU TO GO SCREW YOURSELF.

YOU READY?

"I'LL PRAY FOR YOU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT MEANS "[BLEEP] YOU"IN CHRISTIAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE WAY I LOOK AT IT IS,IF YOU'RE A HAPPY PERSON --

IF I SEE YOU AND FIND YOU TO BEA JOYFUL PERSON

THAT'S FILLED WITH LOVEAND HAPPINESS,

I'LL ASK YOU WHAT YOU DO.

BUT I DON'T SEE ANYOF THOSE PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT,

SO LEAVE ME ALONE.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

I'VE BEENTO THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.

THAT'S WHERE YOU'LLFIND HAPPINESS.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU.I WAS SITTING THERE WATCHING.

THIS GUY WAS WINNINGBY 15 LENGTHS.

EVERYBODY'S RUNNING BEHIND HIM.

HE STOPS'CAUSE HE SEES A BUTTERFLY.

AND HE'S LIKE THIS.

AND HE WAS JUST FILLEDWITH HAPPINESS

FROM EAR TO EAR, SMILING.

AND I'M SITTING THERE GOING,

"I PAID TENS OF THOUSANDSOF DOLLARS ON NARCOTICS

TO FEEL THAT WAY."

I'M LIKE, "HE HAS THE ANSWER."

I WENT UP TO HIM, TOO.

I WAS LIKE,"HEY, CAN YOU TELL ME,

LIKE, WHAT'S LIFE ALL ABOUT?"

HE SAID, "CHOCOLATE MILK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT IF THAT'S THE RIGHT ANSWER?

IMAGINE WE ALL DIE, AND THAT'SWHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT IN THE END.

GOD'S LIKE,"WHERE'S YOUR CHOCOLATE MILK?

YOU CAN'T COME IN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE AREBEHIND THE GATES OF HEAVEN,

SAYING,"WHO'S RETARDED NOW? HA."

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