Loftus, McKinney, Rogers

  • Season 3, Ep 0309
  • 12/14/1999

Michael Loftus gets wasted in Ireland, John Rogers gives advice on avoiding the pitfalls of marriage, and Juston McKinney recalls the trauma of school picture day.

Audience:AWW...

ALL RIGHT!

NO. NO, NO.

( chuckling )

BLACK MAN LIKE,"YOU SUCH A SELLOUT, MAN."

NOW, I USED TO DO SAMMY

BUT I'M SCAREDI'M GOING TO GET HAUNTED, MAN.

WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLEOF THE NIGHT

SAMMY'S STANDINGAT THE HEAD OF MY BED AND...

"CAN I TALK TO YOUR ASSFOR A MINUTE?

"I'M GOING TO BUST YOUR ASS.

COME HERE."

I SAID, "COME HERE!"

I LIKE TO SEE SAMMYDO SOMETHING HIP, YOU KNOW.

♪ DA-DUNG, AHH

♪ DA-DUNG, DA-DUNG

♪ DA-DUNG, AHH

♪ DA-DUNG, DA-DUNG

♪ DUH-DUNG-DUNG!

I KNOW YOU SEE ME ON THE VIDEO.

I KNOW YOU HEAR ME ON THE RADIO.

TRUE, BUT YOU DON'T PAY MENO DAMN ATTENTION

THINKING ABOUT WHATTHE CANDYMAN MENTION.

I GOT TO LET YOU KNOW

I GOT MY EYE ON YOU.

( imitating drum machine )

THAT HAD IT REALLY GOODGROWING UP, RIGHT?

PARENTS BOUGHT YA EVERYTHING,SPOILED YA-- RICH KIDS.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I'LL FIND YA.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ITLIKE THAT.

BUT I HAD THE FRIENDS THAT DID.

WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL,I JUST WANTED TO FIT IN

WITH MY RICH LITTLE FRIENDS

AND I WOULD FIT IN MOSTOF THE DAYS OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.

BUT THEN, THAT ONE DAYWOULD COME EVERY YEAR

THAT REMINDED MEI WAS THE POOR KID.

PICTURE DAY.

REMEMBER PICTURE DAY?

BECAUSE YOU KNEWWHO THE RICH KIDS WERE, RIGHT?

RIGHT UP AT THE FRONTOF THE LINE.

PACKET "A."

( laughter and scattered applause )

YEAH. SEEMS SOME OF YOU KNOWWHAT PACKET "A" IS.

15-TEN BY TWELVES.

32-FIVE BY SEVENS.

SIX FREAKIN' POSTERS.

I WAS WAY BACKAT THE END OF THE LINE

NOT EVEN STANDINGIN THE SCHOOL ANYMORE.

IT WAS PACKET "Q."

YOU KNOW, IT WAS ONE PICTURE

AND IT WAS A POLAROID...

OF THE RICH KID.

I HATED THE RICH KIDS.

I'D GO TO MY FRIENDS HOUSEIN THE SUMMERTIME.

THIS WOULD GET ME.

I HAD THE FRIENDS WHO WOULD GET

THOSE GOOD-FLAVORICE FREEZE POPS.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES

YOU CUT THE TOP OFF,YOU PUSH THEM UP.

I WANTED THEM, YOU KNOW.

ASKED MY PARENTSTO GET ME SOME, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, "WE'RE NOTGETTING YOU CRAP.

"YOU WANT SOME FREEZE POPS?

"WE'LL MAKE YOUSOME FREEZE POPS.

GO GET THE ICE TRAY,"RIGHT?

LITTLE TOOTHPICK IN EACH ONE.

THESE AREN'T FREEZE POPS.

THESE ARE POVERTY POPS.

I COULDN'T WAITTO GET OLDER, YOU KNOW.

IT'S PATHETIC.

I WANTED TO GET A JOB, YOU KNOW.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BEAROUND POOR ANYMORE, RIGHT?

I BECAME A POLICEMANUP IN THE STATE OF MAINE.

I DID IT FOR FIVE YEARS,BUT AS MY LUCK WOULD HAVE IT

I ENDED UP IN THE POORESTPOLICE DEPARTMENT IN THE STATE.

I WAS A DEPUTY SHERIFF.

ROAD PATROL. 14 TOWNS.500 SQUARE MILES.

THERE WAS TWO OF US.

MY POLICE CAR HAD 250,000 MILES.

IT'S PATHETIC, AND IT WASN'TLIKE THE STATE POLICE.

I HATED THE STATE POLICE.

THEY WERE ALL PATROLLINGTHE SAME AREA I WAS

BUT THE STATE POLICE HADTHE BIG STATE BUDGET, YOU KNOW.

THEY HAD ALL THE NICE EQUIPMENT.

THEY WERE THE RICH COPS.

THEY HAD IT ALL.

THEY HAD, LIKE, YOUNG,HEALTHY POLICE DOGS.

OUR POLICE DOG WAS 103...

IN OUR YEARS.

THING BROKE ITS HIPJUMPING OUT OF THE CAR.

THING HAD GLAUCOMACATARACTS, ALZHEIMER'S.

THING WOULD BE LOOKING FOR DRUGS

AND FORGET WHAT THE HELLIT WAS LOOKING FOR.

I DIDN'T EVEN LIKETO WRITE TICKETS

AND I NEVER WROTEA PARKING TICKET

AND THAT'S ONE THINGLIVING IN NEW YORK--

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO YEARSNOW-- AND IT'S RIDICULOUS.

AND ALL I COULD SAY IS...

YOU KNOW WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT, RIGHT?

IN THE TWO YEARSTHAT I HAVE LIVED HERE

I HAVE GOTTEN A PARKING TICKET

LIKE, EVERY OTHER WEEKSINCE I'VE BEEN HERE, OKAY?

BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN A METERMAID.

THEY'RE LIKE FREAKIN' NINJAS.

THEY REPEL DOWNFROM THE BUILDINGS, RIGHT?

DROP THE TICKET.

I DON'T KNOWWHERE THEY GO, RIGHT?

AND THE LAST TICKETI GOT, RIGHT--

I'M WALKING BACKTO MY CAR, OKAY?

I'M NOT EVEN NEAR THE CAR YET,AND I CAN SEE THE TICKET.

AND THAT'S WHYTHEY MAKE IT BRIGHT ORANGE.

SO IT PISSES YOU OFFFROM A DISTANCE, RIGHT?

THERE'S NO NEEDFOR THAT TICKET TO BE ORANGE!

WHY'S IT ORANGE?

YOU CAN'T EVEN ENJOYTHE WALK BACK TO THE CAR.

AND WHEN YOU GET BACKTO THE CAR

THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO DO,YOU FLIP IT OVER

AND YOU WANT TO KNOWHOW MUCH IT IS, RIGHT?

AND LET ME JUST SAY THIS.

THE FIRST TICKETI GOT IN MANHATTAN

I THOUGHT WAS A MISPRINT.

I'M LIKE, "NO, THIS HASGOT TO BE A MISTAKE."

AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVENEVER GOTTEN ONE BEFORE, RIGHT?

IF YOU PUT A QUARTERIN THE METER OUT THERE

AND IT RUNS OUT,IT'S A $55 FINE.

THAT'S A LITTLE EXCESSIVE.

NOW, I CAN SEE IT

IF YOU'RE PARKED

IN A HANDICAPPED PERSON'SLIVING ROOM...

BUT NOT FOR THE METERRUNNING OUT.

IT GOES FROM 25 CENTS TO $55!

THAT'S A 22,000% INCREASE!