Loftus, McKinney, Rogers

  • Season 3, Ep 0309
  • 12/13/1999

Audience:AWW...

ALL RIGHT!

NO. NO, NO.

( chuckling )

BLACK MAN LIKE,"YOU SUCH A SELLOUT, MAN."

NOW, I USED TO DO SAMMY

BUT I'M SCAREDI'M GOING TO GET HAUNTED, MAN.

WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLEOF THE NIGHT

SAMMY'S STANDINGAT THE HEAD OF MY BED AND...

"CAN I TALK TO YOUR ASSFOR A MINUTE?

"I'M GOING TO BUST YOUR ASS.

COME HERE."

I SAID, "COME HERE!"

I LIKE TO SEE SAMMYDO SOMETHING HIP, YOU KNOW.

♪ DA-DUNG, AHH

♪ DA-DUNG, DA-DUNG

♪ DA-DUNG, AHH

♪ DA-DUNG, DA-DUNG

♪ DUH-DUNG-DUNG!

I KNOW YOU SEE ME ON THE VIDEO.

I KNOW YOU HEAR ME ON THE RADIO.

TRUE, BUT YOU DON'T PAY MENO DAMN ATTENTION

THINKING ABOUT WHATTHE CANDYMAN MENTION.

I GOT TO LET YOU KNOW

I GOT MY EYE ON YOU.

( imitating drum machine )

YES! IT IS ABOUT THE LOVE.

YOU NEVER KNOWWHEN IT'S GOING TO HIT YOU.

JUST... UHH-UHH!

THAT WAS LOVE.

MINE HIT ME IN IRELAND.

I WENT TO IRELAND THIS SUMMER.

HAD A GREAT TIME--WENT TO VISIT MY COUSIN.

SO I'M IRISH.

♪ PIDEE, PIDEE, LI-DOO.

I GO OVER THERE;MY COUSINS ARE CRAZY.

I SHOULD TELL YOU THATRIGHT NOW.

THEY'RE INSANE;THEY'RE JUST OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW,"WELCOME TO IRELAND, MICHAEL.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?"

I'M LIKE,"LET'S GET DRUNK AND FIGHT."

"ALL RIGHT, OFF WE GO."

♪ PIDEE, BADA, LI-AY.

THEY'RE NUTS.

THEY DRINK-- I THINKI CAN DRINK, THEY... WHOO-HOO!

THEY CAN DRINK.

MICHAEL, OH, MAN.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY THEYDON'T HAVE AN OLYMPIC TEAM

'CAUSE THEY'RE SLEEPING IN.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, "WOULD YOULIKE TO DO THE RELAY?"

"NO. I'M GOINGTO SLEEP IN AGAIN."

THEY WILL DRINK YOUR BUTT

UNDER THE TABLEAND WAKE YOU UP TO DO SHOTS.

"WAKE UP, MICHAEL, WAKE UP.

"IT'S TIME TO DO SHOTS.

"LOOK AT HIM SLEEPING LIKE ABABY IN A PILE OF HIS OWN VOMIT.

"HE'S SO CUTE.

"BETTER GET THE WHISKY.

HE LOOKS A WEE BIT PEAKED."

WE WENT OUT TO SEE THIS, UH,THAT, UH, THAT STEP DANCING

THAT...

I CAN'T DO IT, BUT IT LOOKSREALLY COOL, YOU KNOW.

♪ CHU, CHU-KE-CHU,CHU-KE-CHU-KE-CHU-KE-CHU. ♪

I'LL DO A...

( trilling )

WHAT THEY DID,THEY INVENTED A DANCE

WHERE THEY WOULDN'TSPILL THEIR DRINKS

IS WHAT THEY DID, YOU KNOW.

SO, UH, WE WENT OUTLATER THAT NIGHT.

AND, WE WENT TO A DISCO, RIGHT,WHERE I'M EXPECTING TO DISCO

AND SHE'S NOT, AND, UH

I LIKE THIS NEW DANCE THATTHEY STARTED DOING THAT THING.

THE GIRLS DO THAT.

THAT'S A, HOO,THAT'S A GOOD DANCE.

YOU TIME THAT OUT RIGHT, THAT'STHE END OF THE DATE RIGHT THERE.

SO, I'M, LIKE, READY FOR THIS

AND SHE'S STARTS GOING...

♪ CHU, CHU-KE-CHU,CHU-KE-CHU-KE-CHU-KE-CHU. ♪

YOU KNOW.

SHE'S GOING, "MICHAEL,AM I GETTING YOU EXCITED?"

"NO."

"SHOULDN'T YOU BE MOVING?"

THAT'S WHEN SHE SLAPPED ME.

I'M A WUSS.

I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT.

I WILL RUN FROM A FIGHT.

I DON'T LIKE BEINGAROUND GROSS STUFF.

I HAVEN'T PUKED IN SEVEN YEARS.

NEVER GOING TO DO IT AGAIN,YOU KNOW.

I JUST CAN'T-- HUH-- HANDLE IT.

( audience laughing )

WHICH MAKES ME...

THAT WHOLE "HUH" MAKES ME

THE WORST DESIGNATED DRIVEREVER, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THAT'S WHENYOUR BUDDIES REALLY PARTY

WHEN YOU'RE NOT DRINKINGAND YOU ARE DRIVING.

I'M THE DESIGNATED DRIVERIN IRELAND ONE NIGHT.

BIG MISTAKE, YOU KNOW.

I'M ON THE WRONG SIDEOF THE CAR

ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD.

MY COUSINS ARE JUST PLOWED,YOU KNOW.

"DE-LA, DE-LA!"

I'M LIKE, "WHATEVER YOU DO

"DON'T PUKE IN THE CAR.

I CAN'T HANDLEBEING AROUND PUKE."

THEY'RE LIKE,"DON'T WORRY, MICHAEL.

"WE'RE NOT GOING TO PUKEIN YOU CAR, HUH.

"THAT... THAT WAS CLOSE.

( slurring ):HOW... HOW DO YOU WORKYOUR WINDOWS?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"WELL, YOU BETTERFIGURE IT OUT."

( uproarious laughter )

( gruff-voiced ):"HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?"

THAT HAD IT REALLY GOODGROWING UP, RIGHT?

PARENTS BOUGHT YA EVERYTHING,SPOILED YA-- RICH KIDS.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I'LL FIND YA.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ITLIKE THAT.

BUT I HAD THE FRIENDS THAT DID.

WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL,I JUST WANTED TO FIT IN

WITH MY RICH LITTLE FRIENDS

AND I WOULD FIT IN MOSTOF THE DAYS OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.

BUT THEN, THAT ONE DAYWOULD COME EVERY YEAR

THAT REMINDED MEI WAS THE POOR KID.

PICTURE DAY.

REMEMBER PICTURE DAY?

BECAUSE YOU KNEWWHO THE RICH KIDS WERE, RIGHT?

RIGHT UP AT THE FRONTOF THE LINE.

PACKET "A."

( laughter and scattered applause )

YEAH. SEEMS SOME OF YOU KNOWWHAT PACKET "A" IS.

15-TEN BY TWELVES.

32-FIVE BY SEVENS.

SIX FREAKIN' POSTERS.

I WAS WAY BACKAT THE END OF THE LINE

NOT EVEN STANDINGIN THE SCHOOL ANYMORE.

IT WAS PACKET "Q."

YOU KNOW, IT WAS ONE PICTURE

AND IT WAS A POLAROID...

OF THE RICH KID.

I HATED THE RICH KIDS.

I'D GO TO MY FRIENDS HOUSEIN THE SUMMERTIME.

THIS WOULD GET ME.

I HAD THE FRIENDS WHO WOULD GET

THOSE GOOD-FLAVORICE FREEZE POPS.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES

YOU CUT THE TOP OFF,YOU PUSH THEM UP.

I WANTED THEM, YOU KNOW.

ASKED MY PARENTSTO GET ME SOME, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, "WE'RE NOTGETTING YOU CRAP.

"YOU WANT SOME FREEZE POPS?

"WE'LL MAKE YOUSOME FREEZE POPS.

GO GET THE ICE TRAY,"RIGHT?

LITTLE TOOTHPICK IN EACH ONE.

THESE AREN'T FREEZE POPS.

THESE ARE POVERTY POPS.

I COULDN'T WAITTO GET OLDER, YOU KNOW.

IT'S PATHETIC.

I WANTED TO GET A JOB, YOU KNOW.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BEAROUND POOR ANYMORE, RIGHT?

I BECAME A POLICEMANUP IN THE STATE OF MAINE.

I DID IT FOR FIVE YEARS,BUT AS MY LUCK WOULD HAVE IT

I ENDED UP IN THE POORESTPOLICE DEPARTMENT IN THE STATE.

I WAS A DEPUTY SHERIFF.

ROAD PATROL. 14 TOWNS.500 SQUARE MILES.

THERE WAS TWO OF US.

MY POLICE CAR HAD 250,000 MILES.

IT'S PATHETIC, AND IT WASN'TLIKE THE STATE POLICE.

I HATED THE STATE POLICE.

THEY WERE ALL PATROLLINGTHE SAME AREA I WAS

BUT THE STATE POLICE HADTHE BIG STATE BUDGET, YOU KNOW.

THEY HAD ALL THE NICE EQUIPMENT.

THEY WERE THE RICH COPS.

THEY HAD IT ALL.

THEY HAD, LIKE, YOUNG,HEALTHY POLICE DOGS.

OUR POLICE DOG WAS 103...

IN OUR YEARS.

THING BROKE ITS HIPJUMPING OUT OF THE CAR.

THING HAD GLAUCOMACATARACTS, ALZHEIMER'S.

THING WOULD BE LOOKING FOR DRUGS

AND FORGET WHAT THE HELLIT WAS LOOKING FOR.

I DIDN'T EVEN LIKETO WRITE TICKETS

AND I NEVER WROTEA PARKING TICKET

AND THAT'S ONE THINGLIVING IN NEW YORK--

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO YEARSNOW-- AND IT'S RIDICULOUS.

AND ALL I COULD SAY IS...

YOU KNOW WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT, RIGHT?

IN THE TWO YEARSTHAT I HAVE LIVED HERE

I HAVE GOTTEN A PARKING TICKET

LIKE, EVERY OTHER WEEKSINCE I'VE BEEN HERE, OKAY?

BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN A METERMAID.

THEY'RE LIKE FREAKIN' NINJAS.

THEY REPEL DOWNFROM THE BUILDINGS, RIGHT?

DROP THE TICKET.

I DON'T KNOWWHERE THEY GO, RIGHT?

AND THE LAST TICKETI GOT, RIGHT--

I'M WALKING BACKTO MY CAR, OKAY?

I'M NOT EVEN NEAR THE CAR YET,AND I CAN SEE THE TICKET.

AND THAT'S WHYTHEY MAKE IT BRIGHT ORANGE.

SO IT PISSES YOU OFFFROM A DISTANCE, RIGHT?

THERE'S NO NEEDFOR THAT TICKET TO BE ORANGE!

WHY'S IT ORANGE?

YOU CAN'T EVEN ENJOYTHE WALK BACK TO THE CAR.

AND WHEN YOU GET BACKTO THE CAR

THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO DO,YOU FLIP IT OVER

AND YOU WANT TO KNOWHOW MUCH IT IS, RIGHT?

AND LET ME JUST SAY THIS.

THE FIRST TICKETI GOT IN MANHATTAN

I THOUGHT WAS A MISPRINT.

I'M LIKE, "NO, THIS HASGOT TO BE A MISTAKE."

AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVENEVER GOTTEN ONE BEFORE, RIGHT?

IF YOU PUT A QUARTERIN THE METER OUT THERE

AND IT RUNS OUT,IT'S A $55 FINE.

THAT'S A LITTLE EXCESSIVE.

NOW, I CAN SEE IT

IF YOU'RE PARKED

IN A HANDICAPPED PERSON'SLIVING ROOM...

BUT NOT FOR THE METERRUNNING OUT.

IT GOES FROM 25 CENTS TO $55!

THAT'S A 22,000% INCREASE!

I LIKE BEING MARRIED.

A LOT OF COMICS MAKE FUN OF IT.

I LIKE IT A LOT'CAUSE I SUCKED AT BEING SINGLE.

I WAS A HORRIBLE DATER.

I USED TO GET PHONE CALLSON FRIDAY NIGHT LIKE:

"JOHN, HI.IT'S BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO.

"IT'S 9:00 ON A FRIDAY,YOU'RE NOT HERE YET.

"WE JUST WANTED TO CALL

AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY,AND EVERYTHING."

MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT WEDDINGSARE THE BRIDESMAIDS.

I GO TO THESE WEDDING,I LOOK THE BRIDESMAIDS

AND GO: WHERE DO THE BRIDES

GET THE BRIDESMAIDS' OUTFITSFROM?

DO THE BRIDESGO TO THE DRESSMAKER?

I GO, "HI. LISTEN, I'M GETTINGMARRIED IN ABOUT SIX MONTHS.

"I WANT TO LOOK THE MOST THIN,BEAUTIFUL AND RADIANT

"I'VE EVER LOOKEDIN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

"I WANT YOU TO MAKEMY FOUR BEST FRIENDS

"LOOK FAT, SLUTTY AND ORANGE.

"CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

BRING ME THE PROM DRESSFROM 1978."

THERE ARE THINGSWHEN YOU GET MARRIED

THEY SHOULD TELL YOUTHAT NOBODY TELLS YOU.

FOR EXAMPLE, THE WORD "FINE"

NO LONGER MEANSWHAT IT USED TO MEAN.

WHEN MEN USE THE WORD "FINE,"IT MEANS "FINE."

"HOW YOU DOING, BOB?""FINE."

WHEN WOMEN USE THE WORD "FINE,""FINE" IS A CODE WORD

THAT MEANS I'M REALLY PISSED OFF

BUT YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHY.

LOOK AT YOU.

LOOK AT ALL THE WOMEN CLAPPING.

"YES, DANCE TO OUR TWISTEDLITTLE TUNE. YES."

AND WE'RE STANDING THERE--

ARE YOU MAD?ARE YOU NOT MAD?

"I'M FINE."

WELL, LET'S SPIN THE WHEELOF MISERY.

GIVE ME A CLUE.

ALSO, WHEN YOU GET MARRIED,THEY SHOULD TELL YOU

ALWAYS HAVE HERMOVE IN WITH HIM.

NEVER HAVE HIMMOVE IN WITH THEM.

GUY MOVES IN WITH A WOMAN

YOU JUST MESS UP HER PLACEAND PISS HER OFF FOR SIX MONTHS

AND SHE WALKS AROUND GOING

"HOW CAN ONE PERSON

LEAVE EVERY PAIR OF DIRTYUNDERWEAR ALL OVER THE FLOOR?"

BECAUSE WOMEN DON'T KNOWWHAT THE FLOOR IS FOR.

WOMEN THINK THE FLOOR

IS A WAY TO GET FROM THIS ROOMTO THAT ROOM.

MEN REALIZE THE FLOORIS ACTUALLY A LOW, FLAT SHELF.

IT'S THE BIGGEST SHELFIN OUR HOUSE.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

WE HAVE TO HAVE OUR STUFF AROUNDSO WE CAN SEE IT.

GENETICALLY, WE ARE HERDERS.

WE MUST BE ABLE TO LOOK FORWARDAND GO

"BEHOLD, MY KINGDOMOF UNDERWEAR.

OH, THIS IS MINE."

THE REALLY COOL THINGWHEN YOU GET MARRIED IS

YOU HAVE TO LEARNHOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY

WHICH I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO DO

'CAUSE I HAVE BROTHERSAND LORI HAS SISTERS.

I GET BROTHERS.

BROTHERS ARGUE LIKE,"YOU SUCK. YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

YOU WANT A BEER?BOOM... THAT'S IT."

WHEN YOU HAVE SISTERS,AND MY WIFE HAS FIVE SISTERS

WHEN YOU HAVE SISTERS,YOU HAVE TO BE DIRECT.

YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST.

APPARENTLY,YOU HAVE TO KEEP A DIARY

SO YOU CAN DRAG CRAP UPAFTER 20 YEARS.

MAN, THE MOB DOESN'THOLD A GRUDGE LIKE SISTERS.

THIS WAS LAST CHRISTMAS--

LAST CHRISTMAS ROLLS AROUND,ALL FIVE SISTERS ARE THERE

AND THEY'RE DRUNK.

THEY'RE GUNNED ON CHRISTMAS WINE

AND THEY'RE JUST CIRCLINGEACH OTHER IN THE LIVING ROOM

WAITING FOR SOMEBODYTO START THE EIGHT-HOUR FIGHT

THAT WILL BE CHRISTMAS.

YOU EVER SEE A BIG FAMILY FIGHT

AND YOU'RE NOT IN THE FIGHT?

IT'S KIND OF COOL--YOU SIT ON THE COUCH

LIKE YOU'RE JACQUES COUSTEAUIN THE SHARK CAGE.

( French accent ):OBSERVE AS THEY TEAR EACH OTHERTO PIECES.

BUT WE ARE SAFE HEREIN THE CAGE.

ONE OF THE BOYFRIENDS-- IT'S HISFIRST YEAR, IT'S MY SEVENTH.

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT DO WE DO?"

"SHUT UP, STAY LOW.

"KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.

WE ARE SAFE IN THE CAGE."

AND THEN THE MOST AWFUL THINGI'VE EVER SEEN.

FIVE DRUNK, SCREAMING SISTERSIN MID-ARGUMENT.

"I HATE YOU.""YOU'RE AN IDIOT."

HE STANDS UPIN THE MIDDLE OF THEM.

"HEY, DON'T YOU TALKTO HER LIKE THAT."

( audience groans )

AND FELIPE LEFT THE CAGE.

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