March 16, 2016 - Brian Fallon

  • 03/16/2016

Donald Trump predicts rioting if he doesn't win the GOP bid, Adam Lowitt examines anti-Semitism in politics, and Brian Fallon performs songs from his album "Painkillers."

(upbeat rock music)

- Hey everyone, we're back to help you dominate

your Third Month Mania bracket.

- That's right, Roy, it's our tournament to find out

what you, the American people, are maddest about.

And today we're doing a deep dive into the issues region.

- [Voiceover] Deep dive.

- Oh yeah, so much horrible stuff to get mad about

in the issues region.

We got Flint, Michigan.

- Water looks like sweet tea.

- Homophobia.

- What's wrong with Neil Patrick Harris?

- China.

- They're taking our jobs, but we need that new iPhone.

- And what's the key match up that you're looking at, Roy?

- Hasan, for me it's allabout police brutality

versus police dancing.

I honestly don't know what's worse,

cops abusing black people

or abusing black culture.

I mean, look at that shit.

Enough is enough.

- OK, woah, woah, woah, hey, hey,

breathe, Roy, breathe, breath.

- I can't breathe, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

But I still think the dancing's worse.

- OK, upset city, upset city.

Keep checking back in for more deep dives into madness.

I'm Hasan Minhaj.

- I'm Roy Wood Jr., and remember, don't get crazy.

(upbeat rock music)

but right now, we're still

dealing withlast night's primaries.

Now, it was the secondSuper Tuesday in three weeks,

and this one really delivered.

For instance, on the Democraticside, Hillary Clinton

racked up winsin every state, meaning that

she's startingto look like a broken hip

on the set of Indiana Jones 5--


REPORTER: A clean sweep for Hillary Clinton.

REPORTER 2: Clinton moves closer to locking up

the Democratic nomination.

REPORTER 3: Her delegate lead is now at more than 700.

REPORTER 4: ...making it all but impossible for Sanders

to make up the difference before July.

Yes, it's true.It's sad but true.

It's not looking goodfor Bernie Sanders.

But-- and this is a big but--

that doesn't excusewhat happened last night

on all the cable news networks.

Nobody showed Bernie's speech.

In fact, while Bernie Sanderswas delivering his address,

CNN, Fox and MSNBC chose instead

to keep their cameraslocked on Trump's empty podium.

This is it, people--Trump hysteria is at a point

where even his furnituregets news coverage.

You realize you could have justput that podium in a box

while you coveredBernie speaking.

It's literally box-shaped,trust us.

The minute that the podiumdoes something,

you can just switch over.

You know, at his next speech,

Bernie Sandersshould just come out

dressed as Trump's podium.

That way no onewill be able to ignore him.

People will be like,"That's right, that podium

"is so correct.Wall Street is corrupt.

Good job, podium."

Come on, guys,Bernie's still in the race.

Give him some respect.

You know who's not... you knowwho's not still in the race...

(cheering, applause)

Uh, who's not still in the raceis, uh, little Marco.

Yeah, he, uh...Yes, very sad.

He suspended his campaign

after losing his home stateto Donald Trump.

And poor Rubio.You know?

Like so many Cubans before him,

he got smoked by an obnoxiousrich man in Florida.

And what's worseis that he couldn't even

get through his speechwith dignity.

I want to congratulateDonald Trump on his victory,

a big victory in Florida.

While it is not God's planthat I be president in 2016,

or-or maybe ever...

and while todaymy campaign is suspended...

with this horrifying downturn...


Come on, people.

Do you really have to yell"Trump for president"

while Rubiois conceding to Trump?

It's so unnecessary.

It's like going to someone'sfuneral and being like,

"Yeah, you stay dead,

you corpse-ass (bleep)."

It's so sad to see Rubio go,so, uh, you know,

let's pour one out

for the homey we lost.

This is for you, Rubio.

A pour for you.


And it's...

s-some more for you, Rubio.

Some more.Some more for you.

Some-some more for you.

I don't understand--why didn't he just

look at the bottleswhen he took them?

Why would you make eye...It's so hard to do that.

But still,this is-this is for you, Rubio.

More... more for you.


More for you.

Oh, and, uh, and don't worry,uh, Flint, Michigan,

we're not wasting the water.We got it...

we got it right here.

Yeah, we got you.


The real big news of the night

was Ohio governor John Kasich

winning his home stateby 11 points.

And I feel like he's the oneRepublican candidate

who doesn't think about the race

and think thatit's only about him.

If we're a schoolteacher,

we give up moneyto change lives.

And if we are a neighbor,

that means that widow,

who was married for 50 yearswho no one calls anymore--

you want to change the world?

You take her to dinneron Saturday night.

She'll wear that dressshe hadn't worn in six months.

Then after dinner,

head to a party.

Get some recreationalclub drugs.

And do them with the widow.

Then, dance with her all night.

To house music.

Forgetting where your body ends

and where the widow's begins.

And then watch the sun come upover Dayton together.

And say, "Man, I'm so gladwe did this, Margaret.

"You know what?I'm glad your husband died.

Corpse-ass (bleep)."

Yeah, you know, the best part

of John Kasich's speechhappened after the talking.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

I've never seen that muchconfetti in my life.

Like, has John Kasichjust been storing up confetti

after every primarythat he didn't win?

It's al... it's almost likehe's been confetti edging,

just, like, every-every time.

Almos... Ah? No, no, no, no.Ah? No, no, no.

And then last nighthe was like, "Release!

Finally, release!"


so Kasich won Ohio.

Uh, Ted Cruz won nothing. Uh...

Which can only meanthat the other four states

were won byDonald "Jorge" Trump.

Uh, that's whatthe J stands for.

Um, and so,at Trump headquarters

at Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach,

the GOP frontrunner interrupted what appeared to be

a lavish American-themed bar mitzvah party

to give yet another speech.

I just wantto congratulate everybody.

This is a reallyinteresting process.

It's an amazing process.

This was an amazing evening.

That's an amazing achievement.

Florida was so amazing.

Amazing people.

You lose $500 billiona year with China.

We don't win at trade.

China, everybody.

We're gonna win,but more importantly,

we're gonna win for the country.

We're gonna win, win, win...

Sometimes it seems like Trump'sspeech is loading in his mind

as he's speaking.

It's like it's bufferingand then it just goes away.

"We're gonna...You know, China...

"We're gonna... You know,China... Chi-China...

Hey, you know ..."And-and you're probably going,

"Hey, why did you guysedit the speech like that?"

Yeah, because we wanted itto make more sense, that's why.

But here's-here's the thing,here's the thing,

Trump's popularity has neverbeen much about sense, you know?

It's not about how much sensehe makes. He's tapping into

voters' frustration, which he'snot necessarily responsible for,

you know? Donald Trumpdidn't invent racism.

Trump didn't inventIslamophobia.

And he didn't invent violence.

All he did was put his nameon them,

like he doeswith everything else.

Before Trump...

(cheering and applause)

Before Trump,

Republican politicians playedto voters' prejudices

by masking them withpolite-sounding policy talk,

you know, about individualliberty and states' rights.

And Trump, he's just strippedthat all away.

He's dropped the pretense.It's like Lucky Charms came out

and finally said,"Yeah, it's wet candy."

The only reason I bring this up

is because despiteTrump's 19 primary wins

and 7.5 million votes so far,

the Republican Partyis still dead set

on taking this away from him.They keep talking

about a contested convention,which would look like this.

REPORTER: Here's how it works. In the first round,

most delegates are bound to vote for the candidate

they represent. But if there's no clear winner,

they keep voting and delegates are freed up

to pick whoever they want.

That's when things get messy.

Uh, messy?

No, no, a baby with a bowlof Cheerios is messy.

A contested conventionincluding Trump

would be a Porta Pottiat a Burning Man

mixed with a human centipedemop bucket.

But despite that, despite that,

the other Republican candidates,oh, they think it's good.

They're talking like this.

If he doesn't have the rightnumbers, then we're-we're

in a... we'rein a multi-ballot convention.

What's-what's the big deal aboutthat, other than it's exciting?

Think about how much educationour kids are gonna get

about the wayin which we pick a president.

I think it'll be very cool.

"I think it will be very cool

to see this country burn down."(laughs)

You would be unleashingthe kraken!

Do you have any idea what acontested convention would mean?

Well, it turns out, DonaldTrump, well, he has a preview.

TRUMP: I think you'd have riots.

I'm representing a tremendous...

many, many millions of people.

If you disenfranchise those people and you say,

"Well, I'm sorry, but you're 100 votes short,"

even though the next one is 500 votes short,

I think you would have problems like you've never seen before.

I think... I think bad things would happen.

I really do. I believe that. I wouldn't lead it,

but I think bad things would happen.

Trump sounds like a fortune teller

who's gonna make it happenhimself.

"I see very bad thingsin your future

"'cause I'm gonna be there.

That's not a prediction.It's a promise."

Just think about it.Trump supporters

are already kicking the (bleep)out of people,

and that'swhen they're "winning."

And the Republicans thinkthat after Trump has ignited

all this passion and angerin America

that they can just swoop in

and take the nomination awayfrom him?

This is not gonna end well.

And the signs, my friends,are everywhere.

After last night's big winsin Florida,

North Carolina, Illinois, and Missouri,

Trump has 666 delegates now.




I bet even the devil is going,like, "Ooh, that's bad."

Over the past week, much ofthe country has grown concerned

over what they've seenat Donald Trump's rallies.

But one group in particularis especially uneasy.

Here to comment isour Senior Jewish Correspondent,

Adam Lowitt!

(cheering and applause)

Thanks, Trevor. And I appreciateyou being able to distinguish

between my currentheightened level of anxiety

versus my constant day-to-dayunwavering neuroticism.

It takes a keen eye.

Yes, Trump's rallies have beenmaking Jews uncomfortable.

You know, by now,everyone has seen this photo

of a Donald Trump supporter let's just say, uh, waving

to a friend outside of a rally in Chicago.

It's pretty hard to look at.

And not for nothing,but as a Jew,

if I wanted a woman in her 60sto make me feel bad

about myself,I'd call my mother.

But, Trevor, if I got stressedevery time an old person

did something cluelessand offensive,

my hair would fall out.

But, Adam, your-your hair is...

It'll grow back.

Let's just give this womana chance to explain.

REPORTER: She says she's not a Nazi or a racist

and claims she was actually having a conversation outside

of the arena with some anti-Trump activists.

No! Don't do it again!

Explain with your words,not your hands!

Look, what she's trying to sayis Trump isn't Hitler.

This is Hitler.But just a little tip, lady.

This makes it pretty hardto listen to anything else

you're saying.Like, "Hey, Rebecca,

"we've been togetherthree wonderful years.

"That's why I'm asking youto make me

the happiest man on earth."

And, look,if it was just this one woman,

it would have been enough.

This is a-a man at a Trump rallyhere in Cleveland

and he's talkingabout Auschwitz,

appearing to usethe Nazi salute.

(gibberish sounds)

(groans) Well, at least we knowhe's not a denier.

But you know what? Maybe he wastaken out of context.

No, no, no, Adam, I'm sorry,what kind of context?

Well, maybe on the other side ofthat camera someone in the crowd

is yelling, "I'm a World War IIhistorian looking

"for a new research project!

Does anyone havea good travel recommendation?!"

Go to Auschwitz!

Go to (bleep) Auschwitz!

"Thank you, my good man!"

(cheering and applause)

So, we got the heil and we got the Auschwitz.

What do you say we round it outwith a nice reminder

of how the Jewsare damned to hell?

REPORTER: Television pastor Mark Burns opened up for Trump

at an event in North Carolina.

Sanders is Jewish, and this is what Pastor Burns said.

Listen, Bernie got to get saved.

He got to meet Jesus.I don't know.

He got to... he got to havea come-to-Jesus meeting.

Meet Jesus?

Bernie's a Jewwho lives a simple life

and wants to help the poor.

All this guy's missingis an interest in carpentry.

MAN: Bernie Sanders tried to be a carpenter

at one point in the 1970s,and you're right.

Apparently, he was nota good carpenter.

-(cheers and applause)-Holy (bleep).

I think that pastor needs tohave a come-to-Sanders moment.

Adam, you know, I've got to say,it must be shocking for you

to see all these anti-Semiticincidents at Trump events.

Actually, we were just wondering

when it was gonna getaround to us.

I mean, first his supporterswere going after Mexicans,

then it was Muslims.

We've been on the sidelinesgoing, "Hello! Jews over here!"

-(laughter)-I'm not shocked at all.

In fact, considering the stats,this was inevitable.

Did you know that almost 60%of religious hate crimes

in America areagainst Jewish people?

Wow, I... Actually,I did not know that.

I know.I couldn't believe it, either.

Hate crimesagainst Jews are so normal,

we don't even talkabout them anymore.

They're like the nudityin Game of Thrones.

We're just numbto the whole thing.

Well, I'm not numb to the nudityin Game of Thrones I'm still...

Yeah, neither am I,but my wife's watching, so...

Okay, you know what, Adam?

There's one silver liningto this whole thing.

Bernie Sandersis the first major

Jewish candidate for president.

-I mean, that's progress.Although... -(cheers)

-Although... Yeah, it is. It is.-(applause and cheering) -Yeah.

After... after last night'sresults, though,

Jewish people must bea little disappointed.

Ah, that's okay. I mean, look,eight days after we're born,

a stranger comes into our houseand cuts off part of our penis.

-(laughter)-We're used to disappointment.

My guest tonight is a musician

whose new album is called Painkillers.

Now to play the song"A Wonderful Life"

from that album,please welcome Brian Fallon.

(cheers and applause)

(band plays upbeat rock intro)

♪ Most of this life'sbeen a drag of a high and lows ♪

♪ Like a blow in a paidthrown title fight ♪

♪ Most of my sins were bornin a kiss on a night like this ♪

♪ Calling all lonely hearts

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh,oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Don't you want a life likewe saw on the picture show? ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh,oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Come on, give me something andcome on, keep me up all night ♪

♪ You say, my baby

♪ All this time in betweendrives me crazy ♪

-♪ I want a life on fire -♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Going mad with desire

-♪ I don't want to survive -♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I want a wonderful life

(instrumental interlude)

♪ My love seemsthat it goes from a dream ♪

♪ To a crash and a roll,just shaking up everyone ♪

♪ Maybe there's morethan the treasures we secure ♪

♪ That become heavy chainsto sink us in tidal waves ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh,oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ All I could do is take youfrom the circus show ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh,oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Come on give me something, nowcome on, keep me up all night ♪

♪ You say, my baby

♪ All this time in betweendrives me crazy ♪

-♪ I want a life on fire -♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Going mad with desire

-♪ I don't want to survive -♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I want a wonderful life

(instrumental interlude)

♪ And all my nightsthey always end the same ♪

♪ With the blacktop, blacktop ♪

♪ Coming from behind

♪ It's just the age-old game

♪ From the living deadbuzzing in my head ♪

♪ It keeps me up all night

♪ You say, my baby

♪ All this time in betweendrives me crazy ♪

-♪ I want a life on fire -♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Going mad with desire

-♪ I don't want to survive -♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I want a wonderful

♪ All my sins were bornin a kiss on a night like this ♪

♪ Calling up your lonely heart

♪ All my sins were bornin a kiss on a night like this ♪

♪ Calling upyour lonely heart. ♪

(song ends, cheers and applause)

We're here with Brian Fallon.Brian, amazing, man.

-Thank you very much.-Hey. Thank you very much.

How many people make jokes

about Jimmy Fallon,Brian Fallon?

Zero. Of the...One-- you. Just you.

-Me? Just... Wait.-Yeah.

Wait, so no one'sever said that to you?

Well, one time Jimmy announcedme as his brother on television.

-Oh, so he made the joke.-He did.

-So that's one. That's not...-Just one.

-It's two. -Occasionalconstruction workers,

-mostly plumbers.-(laughter)

So I'm in good company.I like this. I like this.

This is great.You guys are amazing, man.

I mean, you'regoing out solo now.

I have one question-- whydo you have Nicolas Cage's face

-on your drum set?-(whooping, applause)

-(bass drum pounding)-Because... well, we...

we feel generally as a wholethat Nicolas Cage

is the heartbeat of America,you know.

-(laughter)-Especially that movie, uh,

where he's a vampire.

-Ah. Ah, yes. That movie.-Yeah. Classic films,

-What you're saying is-you know, really.

Nicolas Cage isa national treasure.

-(laughter, whooping)-I hear what you're saying.

-I hear what you're saying.-Right.

-Thank you so muchfor being here, man. -Yeah.

-Thank you so much.-Of course. Thank you.

Brian Fallon's new album Painkillers

is available now.

Now to play us outwith the song "Nobody Wins,"

please welcome once again,Brian Fallon.

(cheering, applause)

♪ Skin and bones,you never did come home ♪

♪ Crashing on my heartthrough the telephone ♪

♪ I rememberthe tall grass wavin' ♪

♪ In past lives

♪ Old poems

♪ I must've liveda lifetime without you ♪

♪ You must've ended upsomebody's angel ♪

♪ I rememberyou lovin' the radio ♪

♪ New waves

♪ Old stones

♪ Hey

♪ Hey, little tommy gun

♪ I guess we're nevergonna end up the lucky ones ♪

♪ Hope

♪ I never see you again

♪ Have a round on me, love

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Nobody wins

♪ The queen is gone,she died from a sad song ♪

♪ I lost most of myselfpleasin' everyone ♪

♪ We had to learnhow to begin again ♪

♪ It's all right

♪ You move on

♪ Hey

♪ Hey, little tommy gun

♪ I guess we're nevergonna end up the lucky ones ♪

♪ Hope

♪ I never see you again

♪ Have a round on me, love

♪ Hallelujah

-♪ Nobody wins -♪ Hallelujah ♪

-♪ And nobody wins -♪ Hallelujah ♪

-♪ And nobody wins -♪ Hallelujah ♪

-♪ Never see you again -♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hey

♪ Hey, little tommy gun

♪ I guess we're nevergonna end up the lucky ones ♪

♪ Hope

♪ I never see you again

♪ Have a round on me, love

♪ Hallelujah

♪ And hey

♪ Hey, pretty baby

♪ I still rememberyou drivin' me crazy ♪

♪ Hope

♪ I never see you again

♪ Have a round on me, love

♪ Hallelujah

-♪ Nobody wins -♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ And nobody wins -♪ Hallelujah ♪

-♪ And nobody wins -♪ Hallelujah ♪

-♪ If I never see you again -♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ You can blame iton the wind. ♪

(whooping, applause)

(song ends)

(cheering, applause)