T.J. Miller, Adam Carolla, Graham Elwood

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 12/18/2010

T.J. Miller witnesses a couple selling a baby, Adam Carolla watches "Sex and the City 2" while high, and Graham Elwood boils down complex movies to a single tagline.

LET'S DO IT.

YOU GUYS WANT TO HEARSOME TWEETS

THAT T.J. AND I HAVE WRITTEN.WHAT'S YOUR--

[cheers and applause]

WHAT'S YOUR NAME ON TWITTER?

- MY NAME IS NOTTJMILLER.IT'S @NOTTJMILLER.

- SO WHAT IS IT THENIF IT'S NOT T.J. MILLER?

- OH, BOY, IS THIS THE WHOLE ENDOF THE SHOW?

- IT'S--YEAH,JUST GONNA DO TEN MINUTES

OF ABBOTT AND COSTELLO-LIKEROUTINE ABOUT TWITTER.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME ON TWITTER?

- NOTTJMILLER.

- NO, IT'S NOT.THAT'S MY NAME.

MY NAME'S NOTTJMILLER.

- BUT MY NAME'S NOTTJMILLER.

[laughter]

IT'S DOUG BENSON.

ALL RIGHT, SO I'M @DOUGBENSONON TWITTER,

AND HE'S NOTTJMILLERON TWITTER,

AND LET'S, UH...

YOU GOT ONE READY?YOU WANT TO READ ONE?

- YES, LET'S DO IT.

- UH, ALL RIGHT,HERE'S ONE THAT YOU'LL LIKE

'CAUSE YOU LOVE MOVIES.

[laughter]

[laughter]

A MOVIE ONE.- I LIKE THAT.

WHAT WAS WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

I FORGOT.

- IT WAS THAT MOVIEWITH THE PEOPLE

THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER, 'CAUSETHE MOVIE WAS SO TERRIBLE.

WASN'T IT, LIKE, DANNY DEVITOAND MARTIN LAWRENCE?

- REALLY?- I DON'T THINK SO--

- YOU'RE TWEETING ABOUT MOVIESFROM, LIKE, TWO DECADES AGO?

- OH, YEAH.- IT'S A REALLY OLD MOVIE.

- YEAH, IT'SAN OLDER MOVIE--'90s.

I THINK IT WAS '94.- ALL RIGHT.

[laughter]

- [laughs]

- ALL RIGHT,HERE'S A MOVIE ONE.

[laughter]

- [laughs]

[laughter]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,T.J. MILLER.

[cheers and applause]

IT'S ABOUT FIVE MONTHS AGO,

AND I'M WATCHING THE TELEVISIONWITH MY WIFE.

AND A COMMERCIAL COMES ONFOR SEX AND THE CITY 2,

AND IT SAYS,"COMING TO THEATERS MAY 27TH."

AND EVEN THOUGHIT'S SOMEWHERE IN MARCH,

MY BIRTHDAY'S MAY 27TH,

SO I JOKINGLY ANNOUNCETO MY WIFE,

"WELL, WE KNOW HOW I'M SPENDINGMY BIRTHDAY."

OF COURSE,SMASH CUT TO MAY 26TH.

I'VE FORGOTTENALL ABOUT THIS PROCLAMATION.

YET MY WIFE HAS CALLEDEVERYONE I KNOW AND SAID,

"ADAM'S DYING TO SEETHE OPENING NIGHT

"OF SEX AND THE CITY 2.

"WE'LL BEAT THE ARCLIGHT HERE,

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLEOF HOLLYWOOD."

AND OF COURSE, UH,JIMMY KIMMEL,

WHO MUST ATTENDEVERY BIRTHDAY--

IT'S MANDATORYWHEN YOU'RE GAY LIKE WE ARE.

[laughter]

HE'S--EVERYONE'S PISSED OFFABOUT IT.

NOW, NO ONE IS HAPPYABOUT THIS,

AND NO ONE KNOWS IT'S A JOKETHAT I MADE TO MY WIFE

THAT SHE SWEARS,"I DIDN'T--"

BY THE WAY, "I DIDN'T KNOWYOU WERE KIDDING."

REALLY, BITCH?

YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS KIDDING?

MADE FUN OF THE FIRST ONEFOR THREE YEARS.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS KIDDINGABOUT THE SECOND ONE?

OKAY.

- NOW, BE CLEAR THATYOUR WIFE'S NAME IS "BITCH."

- YEAH, OH, YEAH.- YOU WEREN'T--

YOU WEREN'T, LIKE,BEING RUDE OR ANYTHING.

- SHE SPELLS IT WITH A "Y,"BUT, YEAH.

- THAT WOULD BE PRETTY COOL--BITCH CAROLLA.

- LIKE, "I'M WAITINGON MY BITCH,"

AND, "HEY, BITCH!GET BACK TO THE--

I'LL MEET YOU AT THE CAR."

DON'T WE DO ONE OF THOSE, UM,

WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM,JACK-OFFS?

- NO, NO, NO, TWEET-OFFS.- OH.

[laughter]

- WHAT'S YOUR NAMEON TWITTER, ADAM?

- UH, I THINK IT'S--I THINK IT'S ADAMCAROLLA.

- I JUST THINK--I THINK IT'S JUST--

- IT'S ADAMCAROLLA, YEAH.

- YEAH,YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON

TO KNOW WHATYOUR TWITTER NAME IS.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

- SOMETIMESTHEY'LL NEVER TELL YOU.

- YEAH, I HAD TO BRING INA PIECE OF PAPER,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOWHOW TO WORK MY PHONE.

[laughter]

AT LEAST 80% OF THE TIMEMY WIFE HANDS ME THE PHONE,

SHE GOES, "AND BE NICE."

- IT'S LIKE LIVINGWITH HOUSE OR SOMETHING.

- YEAH. IT'S BAD.

- ALL RIGHT.

- OH, YEAH.

[applause]- WHOO!

- WE SAW THAT ON BLU-RAYTHE YEAR BEFORE.

THAT'S HOW WE CELEBRATEDMY 45TH BIRTHDAY, ACTUALLY.

YEAH.

- EVERY YEARA DIFFERENT CHICK FLICK.

- YEAH.

NOW, THIS ONE STARTS OFFIN A WEIRD WAY,

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW, UH,WHY I STARTED IT THIS WAY,

BUT IT STARTS OFF,"SPEAKING OF SLEEPING BAGS..."

SO EVIDENTLY THERE WAS SOMECHATTER ABOUT SLEEPING BAGS.

- [laughs]

YEAH, IT WAS A TRENDING TOPICTHAT YOU JUMPED ON.

- SURE.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

IT'S ESOTERIC.

BUT I THINK IT SHOWSMY RANGE.

[laughter]

- YOUR TWEETS,WHEN YOU READ THEM,

THEY HAVE A LOT OF ACTINGIN THEM.

"BE NICE."- YEAH.

- AND, YOU KNOW, A LOT OFARM-WAVING THAT YOU CAN'T--

- IT'S CALLEDARTISTIC LICENSE, BUDDY.

- YEAH. I LIKE IT.

- WOW.

WELL, YOU MAY HAVE WONTHIS TWEET BATTLE, MY FRIEND,

BUT I SHALL RETURN

AND THIS TIMEARMED WITH AN iPAD.

[laughter]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,ADAM CAROLLA!

- YEAH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

TRAVEL A LOT TOGETHER.

SO I WATCH A LOT OF MOVIESIN HOTEL ROOMS AND ON TV,

AND I LOVE THE LITTLEONE-LINE DESCRIPTION

THAT THEY HAVE IN CABLEOF A MOVIE,

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S LIKE,A SERIOUSLY, LIKE,

CLASSIC,REALLY COMPLEX MOVIE

THAT HAS ALL THESE LAYERSTO IT--

THEY BOIL IT DOWNTO ONE SENTENCE

THAT IF YOU DIDN'T KNOWTHE MOVIE,

IT WOULD MAKE NO SENSE,AND THEY ALWAYS, LIKE,

MISS ALL THE IMPORTANT STUFFIN THE MOVIE.

IT'S LIKE, A BOY RETURNS HOMEFROM THE WAR

TO TAKE OVERHIS FAMILY'S BUSINESS.

THE GODFATHER.

[laughter]

- UM, OKAY, UM...

TWO WOMEN VISITTHE BOTTOM OF THE GRAND CANYON.

THELMA & LOUISE.

- [laughs]

A FACTORY WORKERHELPS GET PEOPLE JOBS.

SCHINDLER'S LIST.

- UM, A YOUNG MANHAS TO LEARN TO USE

HIS OTHER HAND.

EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.

- [laughs]

- DO YOU GOT ONE MORE?

- A YOUNG LADY PLAYS PINBALL.

THE ACCUSED.

- SHE DOESN'T EVER PLAY IT,THOUGH, REALLY.

- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.GOOD POINT.

- AND ALSO,I WATCHED THAT MOVIE.

WHY IN THAT SCENE--WHY DIDN'T THE MACHINE TILT?

- [laughs]

- THAT ONE IS A DOWNER.

LET'S THINKOF A MORE CHEERY ONE.

OH, I GOT ONE.

A LONG BOAT TRIP.

AMISTAD.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

THEY HAVE TO BE--- THAT WAS REALLY--

THAT WAS A REALLY UPBEAT ONE.

THAT WAS A REALLY UPBEAT ONE.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,GRAHAM ELWOOD.

[cheers and applause]