May 5, 2016 - The Heavy

  • 05/05/2016

Donald Trump panders to Hispanic voters, Ronny Chieng reports on Americans' selfie obsession, and The Heavy performs songs from their album "Hurt & the Merciless."

let's start with the end.

REPORTER: Donald Trump delivers a knockout blow in Indiana.

REPORTER 2: Today he wears the party's banner:

presumptive nominee.

CHARLIE ROSE: Ted Cruz suspended his campaign last night

after losing the Indiana primary.

REPORTER 3: Party chairman Reince Priebus said on Twitter

that Trump will be the presumptive nominee

and asked Republicans to unite around him.

That's right, people.

Just take a secondand breathe that in.

Because American politics hasjust entered a whole new world.

Just like the one Aladdinand Jasmine sang about.

Except... exceptthey can't come,

'cause they're Muslim. Uh...

And once the news of Trumpbroke out, uh,

the people in the streetsdidn't take it well.

(screaming)

Elephants are like,"I can't even vote!

I'm getting out of here!"

But yes, it's, uh,it's all official.

All but official, really.I mean, after winning Indiana,

Donald Trump will bethe Republican nominee

for president.

And Trump didn't justwin last night.

He won so hard

he made Ted Cruz look human.

And so,

with a heavy heart...

but with boundless optimism

for the long-term futureof our nation...

(man yells)

...we are suspendingour campaign.

CROWD:No!

Yay?

Is this a yay?

I'm so conflicted.

I mean, Ted Cruz lost,

but because Donald Trump won.

It's like finding outyour herpes is gone,

but it's becauseyour dick fell off.

It was a...

it was a really bad nightfor Ted Cruz.

And as painfulas dropping out was on him,

it was even more painfulfor his family.

Mainly his wife's face.

REPORTER: A cringe-worthy moment last night for Ted Cruz.

Take a look at this-- he accidentally hit his wife Heidi

in the face after announcing

he was suspending his presidential campaign.

Heidi Cruz was elbowed as her husband was leaning in

to hug his father. Now, she appeared

to shake it off and then he hit her again. Ow.

Nothing is sadderthan trying to fight your way

into a hug with Ted Cruz.

It's such a shame. Like,her face must have felt like

one of those bricksin Mario Bros.

I don't even know what that was.

Ah.

Then, uh, today,John Kasich dropped out too.

And, uh, for Trump, meanwhile,

it was clear that last nightmarked a new beginning.

This country, which is very,very divided

in so many different ways,is going to become

one beautiful, loving country.

And we're gonna love each other,

we're gonna cherish each other,

we're gonna take careof each other.

You know...

it-it sounds really beautiful.

But if there's one thingI've learned from history--

if a crazy white man says,"We should come together",

you should make sure you ask himto specify who the "we" is.

Always think about that.

But we... we reallyneed to take a second

to let what has happened herereally sink in.

Do you-do you...Does everyone here

understand how historic this is?The last time

either major partynominated a total outsider--

someone who had neverheld elected office--

was-was Dwight D. Eisenhower,all right?

And that only happenedbecause he beat Hitler.

So, back then you had to winWorld War II.

Now you just have to winTwitter.

It's becomea totally different race.

And you know, when I firststarted The Daily Show,

a lot of people asked me thesame question. They'd be like,

"Hey, are you ready, Trevor? Areyou ready for American politics?

"Are you ready for this electioncy... The Daily Show's a big...

Are you ready?"But now,

seeing all of this (bleep)happen, I think

I should have askedif you were ready.

Yeah, because I'm froma third world country.

It looks likeyou're headed to one.

(applause)

And...

And here's how seriousthis has become.

Like, when someone becomesthe nominee of a major party--

I didn't know this until today--they start getting

classified intelligencebriefings from the CIA.

Which means America now has togive Donald Trump secrets

about U.S. and foreignmilitary operations.

This is the same man who leaked

Lindsay Graham'sprivate phone number

because he thought it was funny.

And-and don't get me wrong--it was funny.

But there's a big difference...there's a big difference

between Lindsay's phone numberand the location

of SEAL Team Six.

Let's talkabout women soccer players.

They're the big starsin the States,

with all the moneyand the glory of the men.

Well, except for the money part,as Hasan Minhaj reports.

MINHAJ: Superstar athletes have the life.

We're talking cars, jets.

Even their pet albino tigers get cars.

But not all pro athletes are happy with the big bucks.

In fact, the women's soccer team is taking legal action

because they want more!

Players on the U.S. women'snational soccer team say

they're being discriminated against because they make less

than members of the men's team.

REPORTER: Filed a federal complaint

against the U.S. Soccer Federation.

MINHAJ: I sat down with three members

of the U.S. women's soccer team

to find out why they're being so greedy.

We're not being greedy. We'rejust fighting for what's right.

Our contributionsto the federation should be seen

as equalto what the men have done.

Fine. Whatever.But you need to understand

that the men made it to theround of 16 in the World Cup.

Well, we've wonthree World Cups.

Well, they are ranked 30thin the world.

We're ranked number one.

Um, they play with so much...

passion.

We havefour Olympic gold medals.

Humblebrags. Okay.

But how much less could their pay possibly be?

If we win a match,we get $1,300.

-The men,they get around $17,000. -Whoa.

If the men's team loses,they make $5,000.

Five Gs if you lose!

Could you imaginehaving that much money?

Can't really imagine it

because we don't get paidanything if we lose.

Maybe that's why you guysdon't lose.

Silver lining.

(bleep) kidding me?

Why don't you guysjust pick up second jobs?

Uber driving.After your guys' games,

surge pricingwill definitely be high.

Boom. You're driving fans homeat 1.5, maybe 2, 3x.

We don't have timeto go be an Uber driver.

We put in our time to wingold medals for this team.

While the U.S. Soccer Federation

has their own interpretation of the pay differences,

the bottom line is the women want them

to level the playing field.

Oh, and they also want them

to literally level the playing field.

They're constantly forced to play on Astroturf,

even at the World Cup, something that the men's team

has never had to do.

-They don't play on turf?-Not one game.

Others would argue that the women's soccer team

should be grateful just to play.

Like Gavin McInnes.

Sure, he looks like an art school dropout

with a Shins cover band, but he has his own show

and is a Fox News contributor.

Women do earn less in Americabecause they choose to.

Yep, not surprisingly, he thinks the women's lawsuit

is a waste of time.

Men's soccer has been gettingten times the eyeballs.

You know what, I'm gonna let the ladies handle this one.

-Well, we actually brokethe record -Yeah.

for the most watched soccer gamein the history of America

between men or women.

You're playing a man's game,by a man's rules.

This is the way it isin our world.

You got to earn it.

No, we've brought in,

what, 17 million this past year.

The men lost $2 millionin profit

for the federationthis last year.

U.S. men's soccer still getsa lot more enthusiasm.

Now, why is that?Is that because

men's soccer is moreinteresting, more exciting?

Gavin, you're down two-nothing.

You know what, let me try to help you.

Namethree U.S. men's soccer players.

Current, we have Bobby Daniels.

Bobby Daniels. Okay, let's check the list.

Nope. Not a player.

Zigler Norris.

Also not a player.

And a guy we...known to everyone as Junebug.

Come on, man. If you're gonna make up fake names,

do better than Junebug.

If lunatics like this are against the women,

who's on their side?

-Billie Jean King.-100%.

I mean, she's done so muchfor women's sports.

Who is that?

Tennis player.

I don't... I don't...

REPORTER: Tennis star Billie Jean King

has long been campaigning for women's rights.

MINHAJ: Damn. Turns out Billie Jean King

is a badass tennis player but also she paved the way

for equal pay in tennis when she defeated Bobby Riggs

in the 1973 Battle of the Sexes.

Let me get this straight,

all you did was defeat a man,

and now you have equal payin tennis. Problem solved.

(chuckles)It wasn't easy peasy, man.

-When I played Bobby Riggs,-Mm-hmm.

that was about social change.

Our ratio of prize moneywas about eight-to-one,

and I think the women's socceris four-to-one.

-And I know what you're gonnasay. "Improvement." -Progress.

-Yeah.-Improvement's not enough.

We're supposed to be so happyif we get one crumb.

"Oh, thank you.I'm so grateful."

-You're welcome.-We deserve the cake, the icing,

and the cherry on top, too,just like the boys.

So let's put some cleats on you,you play the men,

and let's get them ladies paid.

You're missing the point.

Okay. I will play the women.

Do you honestly thinkyou can keep up

with the women's soccer players?Seriously?

We will do a battle of the sexes, BJK-style,

because it worked for tennis.

-No.-No. We'd crush you.

Bobby Riggs was a championin his sport.

We didn't even know who you wereuntil today.

Um, I've played two yearsof AYSO.

I was in the fourth grade.

And I have also won trophies

for effort.

This is definitelya different level than that.

Okay, fine, so the battle of the sexes is a bad idea.

What else can we do?

KING: People have to get to know us.

So we needto really get behind women,

get behind them with money,exposure,

give 'em more commercials.

MINHAJ: A commercial! Yes.

I can see it now.

WOMAN: You can defy the odds.

SOLO: I became one of the best players in the world

at the age of 17.

WOMAN: You can be great.

I scored a game-winning PKin a World Cup.

You can make history.

We won three World Cupsand four Olympic gold medals.

You can aspire to be less than.

-(whispers): Less than. -Wait. What did you say?

You can be just as good as any other person,

as long as that person doesn't have a penis.

-(whispers): A penis. -Are you kidding me?

And for all that hard work,you can make four times less

than a man.

I don't think so.

You can treat us equally.

You can give us grass to play on.

You can pay us what we deserve.

MINHAJ (pained groan): Please do it.

from a man who dropped out toa man who's not going anywhere.

Bernie Sanders--he had a super Tuesday.

NEWSWOMAN: ...Bernie Sanders, bolstered overnight

with a surprisingly big win

over Hillary Clinton in Indiana.

I understand thatSecretary Clinton thinks

that this campaign is over.

I've got some bad news for her.

(like Sanders):Her husband's cheating on her.

(laughter)

Oh, what, she knows?

Because I just got this faxa few minutes ago.

(laughter)

Of course, there also seemsto be some bad news

that Bernie doesn't know about.

NEWSWOMAN: It will still be impossible

for Sanders to win enough pledged delegates

to clinch the nomination.

NEWSMAN: This modest win doesn't even put a dent

in Secretary Clinton's massive lead.

Hillary Clinton's delegate leadappears all but insurmountable.

The facts are pretty clear.

I'm three million votesahead of him,

uh, 300 pledged delegatesahead of him.

Oh, look at Hillary--she's so confident.

She's just like, you know...

Yeah, she's, like,if she were an emoji,

she'd be, like,this one right now, you know?

(laughter)

And at this point,it really does look like

nothing could stop Hillary--not another e-mail server

or another Benghazi.

Even if it came out that shewas Becky With the Good Hair,

like, she'd still be...she'd still be fine, you know?

Now, now,some people would see that

and say that that'san insurmountable lead,

and they'd say, "Bernie, youneed to make like it's 6:45 p.m.

and put this thing to bed."

-(laughter)-To which Bernie would reply...

NEWSWOMAN: Sanders says he's going all the way

and there's no stopping him.

It is virtually impossiblefor Secretary Clinton

to reach the majorityof convention delegates

by June 14with pledged delegates alone.

The convention will be

a contested contest.

Are you (bleep) me?

A contestedDemocratic convention?

Are you (bleep) right...Like, The Daily Show

is going to beat the conventions,

and we just avoidedconvention riots

with the Republicansin Cleveland,

and now Bernie's planning mayhemin Philadelphia?!

Like, now, if I go to Philly

and I get caughtin one little fight,

my mom will get scared,and then I'm gonna be forced

to move in with myauntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

-(applause)-Next thing you know...

next thing you know,me... me and my son

are gonna be homeless,

and then I've gotto fight Foreman in Zaire...

-(laughter) -Ali boom bye yae.

Boom bye yae. Damn you, Bernie!

(laughter)

You know what, look,I'm just gonna say it,

I'm gonna say it.I really like Bernie Sanders.

I love it. And I'm gladthat he's staying in this race,

because he's giving a voiceto something important.

Although, the longerBernie stays in the race,

the longer his policiesare in play,

and the longer you lookat some of his proposals,

the more you seeone or two little problems.

A lot of economists are sayingthe numbers don't add up.

Bernie Sanders' planwould add a lot to the deficit.

WOLF BLITZER:The non-partisan Committee

for a ResponsibleFederal Budget

says your initiatives would costup to $28 trillion

and even after massivetax increases, that, uh,

would add as much as$15 trillion

to the national debt.

How is thisfiscally responsible?

Well, first of all,I disagree with that study.

There are many economists

who come up withvery, very different numbers.

Yeah, Bernie Sanders is right.

There are some economistswho agree with him.

But, I mean,there's always somebody

who will take any position.

For instance, I knowan economist in Chinatown

who can get youany numbers you want.

Also a human baby hand.

Whatever you need.

The-the problem isif Bernie Sanders

raises taxes enoughto pay for his plans,

it wouldn't put enough of a dentin economic growth

that he'd then eitherhave to raise the taxes

even more in order...

Oh... (laughs)

Desi, what are you...what are you doing?

Oh. No, no, I'm just...I'm just helping you clarify

what I thinkwe all know you meant--

that there's nothing wrongwith Bernie Sanders.

We love him.

-(cheering, applause)-Yeah, we do.

And all of his policies,all of them.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we love him,but I-I'm just saying

that the tax rateshe's proposing...

No, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no.

No...

Trevor, have you ever pissed off

Bernie Sanders supporters?

It's like poking a hornet's nest

A hornet's nestwith student debt.

Can't you just...

do something less controversial?Like, I don't know,

draw a pictureof Muhammad on a pig?

What would...

What? D-Desi,look, calm down.

We're just havinga reasonable conversation

about a fewof Bernie's policies.

I'll get the pig.

I-I don't understand this.There's...

Look, look, look-- thisisn't really such a big deal.

I mean, when I heard aboutthe budget deficit I thought,

okay, well, peopledisagree on numbers a lot

and I'm surethat Bernie's right.

It was-it was the samewhen Bernie Sanders said

that his health plan would saveAmerica $324 billion a year

on prescription drugs, and I waslike, "Cool-- that's huge."

But then I found outthat America

only spends $305 billion a yearon prescription drugs.

So, basically,Bernie said he'd save America

more on drugs than Americaeven spends on drugs.

So, I'm-I'm just saying that ifyou're serious about financ...

Whoa! Hey, everybody!It's your 100% Bernie Bro!

-Ronny Chieng here.-(cheering, applause)

Not Trevor Noah-- don't knowhim, don't agree with him.

Send your threateningTwitter rants

to @trevornoah,not me, all right?

Ronny, Ronny, we're notdoing anything wrong.

Oh, he's a tank!He's a tank!

-You're a tank for Shillary!He's a tank! -I'm...

No... What's the point...what's the point of any of this

if we can't discussactual policies, Ronny?

Well, what's the pointof eating ice cream

if it's just gonnamelt in your tummy, okay?

You're insane, Trevor,and you are on your own.

Bernie 2016! (chanting):Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.

(cheering, applause)

Look, Ronny, Ronny, I get it.Look, I get it. I really do.

Bernie is a great politician,but you have to remember

he's still a politician.And sometimes that means

he has to compromiseon his values.

I mean, he sold himself hardas the anti-war candidate,

but then he's alsothe person who supports

the F-35 fighter jet program--

a $1.2 trillion program--

a plane that the mili-militaryitself doesn't even want.

Like, it just...Wh-What are you doing?

No, stop. Just... I'm...

It's an important point.Don't...

Is everyoneafraid of Bernie here?

Just hold on.Just-just listen to me.

Listen to me.

Now, he supports the F-35

because a bunch of themare made in his state, Vermont.

But it's hard to be for...What are you...

Guys. It's hard to bepro-trillion-dollar jet

and anti-military waste.I mean, come on. Look, I...

Guys, I get it.I-I get it.

Okay, I get it, go.I get it.

My point is this:I'm not against Bernie Sanders.

In fact, maybe his big,wild ideas

are good news for America.Because we now know, uh,

that this is the year whenthere's nothing voters want more

than someone who takes onthe establishment.

Someone that speaks his mind,

even if his promises areunrealistic and he has, uh,

an insane head of hair.And it...

Oh, (bleep), you knowwhat I just realized?

Bernie's campaignreminds me of Donal...

(applause)

Feel the Bern, Trevor.

Sarandon out.

(cheering, applause)

Let's take a momentto talk about selfies.

They're the top wayto show people

what parts of your bodyare on fleek.

Uh... yeah, for me personally,it's my elbow.

Uh, or, as I like to call it,my arm-knee.

But, um, as innocentas the selfie craze may seem,

it can havereal-world consequences.

And for more on thiswe're joined by

senior technology correspondentRonny Chieng, everybody.

-(cheering, applause)-Hey. Hey, everybody.

Thanks, Trevor.

Selfies used to bea harmless way

to show everyonehow #blessed your life is.

But as it turned out, looking atpictures of your own head

all the time can actuallystart to mess with it.

REPORTER: In this age of the selfie

there's been a surge in lip augmentation procedures,

the love affair with lips

leading to a record number of lip jobs last year.

Doctors say because we see so many images of ourselves,

almost constantly, on social media,

we're much more aware of how our lips look.

Are you serious? Peopleare having surgery to enhance

their lips just to look betterin selfies.

What happenedto just doing duck face, hmm?

Always works for me.

Yo! No one's judging your lips,okay?

We're judging your double chinand your weird nose.

I guess what I'm trying to sayis that why are you stopping

at your lips? Just face yourwhole fa... fix your whole face.

And not only are selfiesblowing up lips,

they're also shrinkingbank accounts.

NFL prospect Laremy Tunsilshould have been celebrating

being drafted into the NFLlast night.

REPORTER: Tunsil was projected to go, uh, six

to the Baltimore Ravens, ended up falling to 13.

That drop right there cost him about

$8 million in salaryover the next four years.

REPORTER 2: Minutes before the draft opened,

a two-year-old video posted

to Tunsil's Twitter account showing him taking

a massive bong hit out of a gas mask.

Come on. How do we even knowthat's Laremy Tunsil?

It could be anyone!It could be a time-traveling

World War II soldier.

It actually took daysof investigative journalism

to figure out his identity.

They had to go through the videoframe by frame.

And it also helped that he took

his mask off and showed his face.

Yo,

if you're recording yourselfdoing something illegal

and you're already wearinga mask,

just leave it on!

That's what masks are for.

Also, why does the NFLeven care if players smoke pot?

Oh, oh, wait, I get it.

'Cause marijuanacould cause brain damage,

and brain damageis trademarked by the NFL.

(cheering and applause)

But, hey, at least Tunsilwas just doing something stupid

and not dangerous,like Snapchatting while driving.

REPORTER: A new lawsuit filed against Snapchat

and 18-year-old Crystal McGee.

Snapchat has a feature calleda speed overlay filter,

and it measureshow fast users are moving

while they are taking a photoor video.

REPORTER 2: The man is suing the social media giant claiming

that an 18-year-old drove more than 100 miles an hour

and crashed into his car while she was using the app.

Snapchat usedto be about dick pics, okay?

Now you're encouraging peopleto take selfies while speeding?

I never thought I'd say this,but, Snapchat,

I liked you better whenyou were just sending me dicks.

All right? And, well, hey,

at least this woman is okay andshe learned her lesson, right?

REPORTER 3: But even the crash didn't stop McGee

from Snapchatting. Attorneys say McGee sent out this selfie.

Strapped to a gurney, she types, "Lucky to be alive."

(groaning, laughter)

She sent a Snapchat

right after sending a Snapchatnearly killed her?

That's like having anallergic reaction to shellfish

and then,on the way to the hospital,

swinging by Red Lobsterfor the Seafood Trio, all right?

Also, what adamantium phone caseare you using?

Like, your car gets totaled

and somehow your phonemagically survived.

Meanwhile, my phone shattersif I drop it on a pillow.

Unfortunately,selfies aren't just addictive.

According to some people, they are a God-given right.

A South Carolina man learnedthe hard way

that trying to take a selfiewith Amy Schumer

is no laughing matter.

The comedian says that she was scared

when this man ran up to her and started recording video.

I told her this is America.I said in America,

when you see a celebrity,you go and take a selfie.

This is America!

That dude says it like it'sin the Constitution, right?

Listen, nowhere does it say,"We hold these truths

to be selfie-evident."

Look, when we see famous people,

we all want to takea selfie with them, all right?

I want to take a selfiewith Trevor right now

so I can get a ton of likes,all right?

Not as many likesas if I took it with Amy Schumer

but, hey, still a lot,all right?

But you know what?I resist the urge.

That's what being humanis about,

resisting your base impulses,all right?

That's why I'm not humpingthis desk right now.

So, go ahead

and keep taking selfies.

Just understand there's a timeand a place, all right?

And everyone else stop actinglike narcissism

is just a millennial thing,okay?

Old people, you would have donethe exact same (bleep)

if you had accessto the technology.

What's weirder, takingtwo seconds to snap a selfie

or spending six monthspainting yourself?

I know.

I mean, look. Look how easyit is to just do one of these.

-Look. -I thought you saidyou weren't gonna take a sel...

-What are you doing?You're taking a selfie. -Yeah.

I also said I wasn't gonna humpthe desk, but, you know what,

you got to do what you gotto go, all right? So...

All right. Thank you, Ronny.Ronny Chieng, everyone.

My guest tonight is a bandwhose new album

is called Hurt & the Merciless.

Now to play the song "SinceYou Been Gone" from that album,

-please welcome the Heavy!-(cheering and applause)

♪ Hey

♪ Well, I can see what it is,I can see what's on my mind ♪

♪ Oh, no

♪ Because my heart don't beatlike it should ♪

♪ And I can't stop crying,oh, no ♪

-♪ Memories of our own -♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

-♪ All this love in my soul -♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

-♪ All these things that youlove -♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

♪ My heart can'ttake it no more ♪

♪ Since you been gone

Hey! Come on, now.

♪ Since you been gone

Hey! Oh!

♪ Since you been gone

♪ Since you been gone,you been gone, you been gone ♪

♪ You been gone, you been

♪ So tell me,what do you love, love ♪

♪ If I haven't got you?

♪ Oh, no

♪ I'm looking for the potat the end of the rainbow ♪

♪ But all I found is blues,oh, yeah ♪

-♪ All these things in my head -♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

-♪ Broken from the things thatyou said ♪ - Oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

-♪ If I can't have you backin my bed ♪ -Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ I'm thinkingthat I'm better off dead ♪

♪ Since you been gone

Hey! Come on, now.

♪ Since you been gone

Oh!

♪ Since you been gone

♪ Since you been gone,you been gone, you been gone ♪

♪ You been gone, you been

♪ You've been gone so long,yeah ♪

♪ I said so long you been

(instrumental interlude)

♪ The raindrops won't stop falling ♪

How you feeling, Daily Show?

-♪ The raindrops won't stop falling ♪ -(cheering)

♪ The raindrops won't stop falling ♪

♪ Oh, no

♪ The raindrops ♪

♪ Won't stop falling

♪ The raindrops ♪

♪ Won't stop falling

♪ The raindrops

♪ Won't stop falling

♪ From my eyes

♪ Since you been gone

Oh! Come on.

♪ Since you been gone

Come on now.

♪ Since you been gone

♪ Since you been gone,you been gone, you been gone ♪

♪ You been gone, you been

♪ You been gone, you been gone so long ♪

♪ You been gone so long, yeah

♪ Said so long you been

♪ You been gone, you been gone ♪

-♪ You been gone ♪-♪ You been gone so long

-♪ You been gone. -(applause and cheering)