Tuesday, July 19, 2016

  • 07/19/2016

Lauren Lapkus, Matt Besser and Dave Holmes come up with video game-inspired pickup lines, spot a familiar verse in Melania Trump's speech and relay what they #OverheardAtRNC.

Pokémon GO isthe absolutely amazing... app...

(laughter)

...that already has moredaily users than Twitter.

Also, uh,more engagement than Facebook,

and the main reasonwhy I had to explain

to two women in a yogurt shopthat I was not trying

to take a photographof their children.

You got to turn AR offwhen you're in public.

So, brief explanation.

You use your phone's GPS tocatch Pokémon in the real world.

For instance, if you gointo a bar at 11:00 a.m.,

you might catch a Day Drunk-eon,

which, as the kids know,evolves into Chunkle.

Of course because Pokémon GO exists online,

people having been using itfor-- guess what-- (bleep).

-Way surprise.-(laughter)

Everything on the Internetequals (bleep) at some point.

The whole Internet is just...

We're just apes tryingto get (bleep) on our dicks.

-Uh...-(laughter)

Craigslist is drippingwith pocket-monster-related

hookup requests,like this one posted to Imgur.

Here it is at the top.

"Let's play Pokémon GO while we (bleep)."

-(laughter)-Cut to the chase, man.

Uh, he says, "Pokémon GO is out on phones.

"You can catch Pokémonrandomly anywhere.

Why not see what I can catchon your tits and ass?"

-(laughter)"Let me make you Squirtle."

I just hopeshe's not one of those girls

who fartleswhile she Squirtles.

-Uh...-(audience groaning)

Shut up. If he was really good,he'd make her Blastoise.

-(laughter)-Comedians,

if this indeed is the futureof hooking up, please give me

another video game-inspiredpick-up line.

Lauren Lapkus, go.

Hey, are you a rock band?

Because you totally looklike you could ruin a party.

-(laughter)-Good job. Matt Besser.

Chris, back in the daythey used to call me Pac-Man,

'cause pussies are always(bleep).

(laughter)

But these days, my line is,

"Baby, my dick onlyfall out four you."

-Ah.-(laughter)

-Nice.-(applause and cheering)

Dave Holmes.

-Uh, finish him... on my face.-All right.

Last night's RNC speech fromBotox vampire Melania Trump was

monumentally important.

If Donald Trump is elected,she'd be America's first lady,

and possiblyplanet earth's final lady.

Unfortunately for her,

diligent Internet sleuthsdiscovered that she flat-out

ripped offa Michelle Obama speech.

Take a look.

The values that you work hardfor what you want in life.

Like you work hardfor what you want in life.

-That your word is your bond.-That your word is your bond.

And you do what you say.

That you dowhat you say you're gonna do.

-That you treat people... -Thatyou treat people with respect.

-...with dignity and respect.-They taught...

-Because we want our children-Because we want our children

-and all children in this nationto know -in this nation to know

-that the only limit-that the only limit

to the heightof your achievement

to your achievements

-is the reach of your dreams-is the strength of your dreams

and your willingnessto work hard for them.

and your willingnessto work for them.

Yeah! It...

-(applause and cheering)-Or no.

Actually, we didn't showthe whole thing.

Melania Trump's speechdoes divert

at the end where she goes,

-"Blah, blah!" Uh...-(laughter)

(like Sesame Street's Count):One. One monotone trophy wife.

-Two. Two monotone trophy wives.-(applause)

Three. Three monotonetrophy wives.

-(applause and cheering)-(laughing) -(thunder sound)

Oh, well, really.

She's the third.

She's also inexplicably cribbeda popular Internet meme.

Comedians, did she--A: Rickroll everyone?

B: Tell a heart-wrenching tale

about two girls forcedto share one cup?

C: Refer to lifein small-town Slovenia

as "Oppa Gangnam Style"?

-Dave Holmes.-She seems like a rickroller.

-I'm going with "A."-Let's find out. Let's find out.

MELANIA:He will never, ever give up.

And most importantly,

he will never,ever let you down.

-♪ Never gonna give you up -LAPKUS: Oh, my God. -Yeah.

-♪ Never gone let you down... -HOLMES: Here's the thing.

-Here's the thing.-Yeah. And by the way...

we do have to thank...we do have to thank Swog Blog,

who made this videoand put that all together.

-Dave, what were you gonna say?-Yeah. But here's the thing,

history has proven that he will run around and desert you.

(laughter)

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

The RepublicanNational Convention

is a sanctum for diverseopinions and voices.

In fact, there's a podiumand mike set up outside

where anyone can step upand speak their minds.

He makes you eata bucket of flour

to impress some girlyou met down at the bar,

and when you stop eating he hitsyou in the face with a belt.

You got to say,"Thanks, stepdad!"

-MAN: This is getting weird.-That's what you got to do.

HARDWICK:Yeah.

(laughter)

Ladies love it whenyou eat a bucket of flour.

-(laughter) -If that guy thinksit's getting weird,

just wait until he steps footinside the actual convention.

Comedians, since the RNCis crawling with guys

like our weird friend here,tonight's hashtag is

#OverheardAtRNC.Examples might be:

I just got bitby Mike Huckabee's possum;

and: I think that's my hood.Is that a medium?

Uh, let's put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Lauren. -Gather round,we're gonna watch Ted Cruz

get his diaper changed.

-(laughter)-Points. Dave.

It's a real white privilegeto be here.

-All right, points. Matt.-(laughter)

Hey, where's that guy goingwith the photo copier

and Michelle Obama's speech?

All right, points. Dave.

I'm not a bigot-- I have a lotof friends of inferior races.

All right, points.

-Lauren Lapkus.-I hear night three

is just Guy Fierilighting his farts on fire.

-(laughter)-Points. Dave.

Is Grindr loading slowlyfor you, too?

-Yeah, points.-Okay.

Matt.

What sitcom did that speakerused to be in?

Uh, Joanie Loves Nazi?

All right, points.

Uh, Matt.

Uh, Muslim?I don't even know 'im.

-(laughter)-All right. Points.