Wednesday, October 1, 2014

  • 10/01/2014

Tom Lennon, Cameron Esposito and Daniel Sloss learn about the Ebola virus, list puns that are #WorseThanRocktober and come up with headlines that definitely jumped the gun.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> WHO WANTS TO GOOF ON DEADLYINFECTIOUS DISEASES THAT

COULD POTENTIALLY DECIMATE THEPOPULATION.

EVERYONE? YOU GUYS? OKAY,GOOD.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

EBOLA IS MAKING AMERICASQUEEBOLA AND TRENDING SO HARD

ON THE INTERNET YOU THINK ITIS SOMETHING A MEMBER OF ONE

DIRECTION HAD FOR LUNCH.

THERE IT IS.

NATURALLY EVERYONE ISSEARCHING FOR RELIABLE

INFORMATION IN THIS TIME OFCRISIS.

WHICH OF THESE IS AN ACTUALQUESTION ABOUT EBOLA FROM

YAHOO! ANSWERS, WHICH OFCOURSE IS THE INTERNET'S

NUMBER ONE SOURCE FORIRREFUTABLE FACTS.

A, A MY BOYFRIEND'S JUNK SMELLSWEIRD.

COULD IT BE EBOLA?

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S THE FIRST SYMPTOM.

>> DONG'S SMELL WEIRD FOR ALOT OF REASONS.

>> I MEAN, I THINK THEY ALLSMELL LIKE EBOLA.

I'M GETTING OUT OF THERE.

>> B, WHY DOES THE EBOLAVIRUS LOOK LIKE MICKEY MOUSE

EARS -- FAIR QUESTION.

C, COULD EBOLA DELAY THE NEWSEASON OF GAME OF THRONES.

CAMERON?

>> YEAH, I THINK IT'S GOT TOBE B, BECAUSE THAT'S THE

MOST ADORABLE ANSWER.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS B, WHYDOES THE EBOLA VIRUS LOOK

LIKE MICKEY MOUSE EARS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

GUYS, LET'S GET THAT PICTUREBACK UP HERE.

FOR BONUS POINTS, WHY DOESEBOLA VIRUS LOOK LIKE MICKEY

MOUSE?

>> HI, I AM GOING EAT FROMYOU THE INSIDE OUT.

>> DANIEL?

>> DISNEY MARKETINGMISUNDERSTOOD WHEN THEY

WANTED TO MAKE SOMETHING GOVIRAL.

>> OH, YES, OH.

CORPORATE AMERICA DOES NOTUNDERSTAND THE INTERNET.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WOULDHAPPEN.

POINTS.

>> ALL RIGHT, NEXT. ACCORDING TOUPROXX.COM DC COMIC HAS

APOLOGIZED FOR HIS SUPERHEROT-SHIRT THAT CAME UNDER FIRE FOR

BEING SEXIST FROM THEINTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S FORUM

KNOWN AS TWITTER.

THE T-SHIRT IS BEING SOLD ATWAL-MART.COM FOR TEEN GIRLS

AND SAID WHAT?

A, PMS MAKES ME SHE-HULK.

B, TRAINING TO BE BATMAN'SWIFE.

C, AQUAMAN THINKS I SMELLGREAT.

TOM LENNON.

>> IT'S GOT TO BE B,TRAINING TO BE BATSMAN'S

WIFE.

>> HERE'S THE CORRECTANSWER.

TRAINING TO BE BATMAN'SWIFE.

(APPLAUSE)

BY THE WAY, CRITICS THINK WOMENSHOULD ASPIRE TO BE SOMETHING

MORE NOBLE THAN BATMAN'S WIFELIKE FOR SAY A TOP HUMAN RIGHTS

BARISTER WHO JUST MARRIED GEORGECLOONEY SO --

TECHNICALLY, BATMAN'S WIFE.

FOR BONUS POINTS, WHAT ISTHE PROBLEM THAT NEWLYWED

MR. AND MRS. BATMAN WOULDHAVE, TOM LENNON?

>> AS BATMAN'S DOCTOR IACTUALLY CAN'T COMMENT ON

THIS.

>> OH MY GOD, THAT'S RIGHT.

I-- YES.

OF COURSE.

I'M GOING GIVE YOU POINTSFOR BEING BATMAN'S DOCTOR,

TOM LENNON.

>> THANK YOU.

>> CAMERON ESPOSITO.

>> HE'S SUPERINTIMIDATEDWHEN HE FINDS OUT SHE HAS A

VARIED AND SATISFYING TOOLBELT OF HER OWN.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> I'M TALKING ABOUTVIBRATORS!

>> MR. SLOSS.

>> TURNS OUT THAT THE DARKKNIGHT DOESN'T RISE.

>> POINTS. EXCELLENT.

>> WELL, IT'S THE FIRST DAYOCTOBER, OR ROCKTOBER AS

IT'S KNOWN ON EVERY SINGLECLASSIC ROCK STATION RIGHT

NOW, WHO ADOREABLY THINKSRADIO IS STILL A VIABLE

MEDIUM.

SO IN HONOR OF THAT THEME,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS WORSE

THAN ROCKTOBER.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE SEBASTIANBACHTOB OR THE SEARCH FOR

SPOKETOBER OR OCTOBY KEITH.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

DANIEL?

>> CRUSTY SOCKTOBER.

>> YES, POINTS, TOM.

>> OCTOPHER GRACE.

>> YES, POINTS.

TOM LENNON.

>> JANUARY JONES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> POINTS.

>> DANIEL SLOS.

>> EMOVEMBER.

>> YES, POINTS. TOM

>> MILLION MANWITCH MARCH.

NO I DON'T WANT THEM, IDON'T WANT THEM.

>> OK GOOD, NO POINTS.

>> I DON'T WANT THEM.

>> NO POINTS. CAMERON.

>> I DON'T WANT THEM.

>> NO [BLEEP]TOBER.

>> YES, POINTS. TOM.

>> DUBSEPTEMBER.

>> POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CAMERON?

>> YES, THE FIRST DATE BUTI'M READY TO [BLEEP] TOBER.

>> POINTS.

TOM.

>> FROVEMBER.

WHICH IS WHERE YOU TEASE OUTYOUR PUBES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I'M LISTENING.

>> YOU TEASE OUT-- WHERE YOUTEASE OUT YOUR PUBES FOR

MUSTACHE AWARENESS.

>> POINTS.

DANIEL?

>> CONSOLIDATE YOUR TIME OFTHE MONTH INTO ONE MONTH FOR

FLOVEMBER.

>> POINTS! WELL ENDED.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY NPR

ANCHOR OR MINOR STAR WARSCHARACTER.

(APPLAUSE)

THE STAR WARS UNIVERSITY BIZARRECREATURES FROM A GALAXY

FAR, FAR AWAY. THE NPR UNIVERSEIS FILLED WITH SOOTHING

INTELLECTUAL ANCHORS WITHQUAALUDE VOICES --

WHO JUST ATE A STACK OFAMBIEN PANCAKES WITH A SIDE

OF NYQUIL BUTTER AND JUMP AND AMICROPHONE.

UNIFYING TRACE DEFINES THESETWO WORLDS TOGETHER IS EVERY

ONE OF THEM HAS A REALLYAWESOMELY WEIRD NAME.

I WILL READ YOU A NAME FOR250 POINTS, YOU TELL ME IF

IT'S FROM THE PERSONNEL PAGEOF AN NPR STATION OR THE

STAR WARS ON-LINEENCYCLOPEDIA OTHERWISE KNOWN

AS BOOKIPEDESTRIANIA, THATIS 100% TRUE.

FIRST ONE: JAD ABUMRAD, JADABUMRAD.

CAMERON.

>> THAT'S AN NPR ANCHOR, IKNOW IS.

>> LET'S FIND OUT. YOU SOUNDSURE.

YEAH, JAD ABUMRAD.

(APPLAUSE)

>> AND IN HIS PICTURE, IT'SALMOST LIKE HE'S SAYING MY NAME

IS JAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE'SEYEBROWS TRY TO LEAVE THEIR

FACE SO MUCH.

(LAUGHTER)>> WELL CONTINUATION LOOKS

LIKE HALF HIS EYEBROWS WANTTO GO UP AND THE OTHERS ARE

LIKE NO WE'VE GOT TO STAY.

>> BUT, BUT, IF HE WERE INSTAR WARS HE WOULD LOOK LIKE

THIS.

THERE WE GO.

(APPLAUSE)

>> OH MY, LET'S HOST RADIOLAB.>> IN SIX MILLION LANGUAGES.

>> ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, MASAMEDDA.

DANIEL?

>> STAR WARS.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

YES, MAS AMEDDA.

(APPLAUSE)

>> ALL RIGHT, BUT I WOULDLOVE TO KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS

LIKE AS AN NPR ANCHOR.

THERE'S THAT'S WHAT THATLOOKS LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> DOES HE HAS HEAD TOES?

YEAH, HE HAS HEAD TOES. IT HELPSHIM CRADLE THE SHELTER CATS.

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE. JIANGHOMESHI. JIAN GHOMESHI.

CAMERON.

>> THAT IS AN NPR ANCHOR.

>> YOU SEEM VERY SURE ABOUTTHE NPR, ARE YOU --

>> I TOTALLY LISTEN-- HEJUST INTERVIEWED ME LAST

WEEK, WHAT'S UP JIAN.

>> OH, NICE, WELL THEN YOU KNOWTHE RIGHT ANSWER.

THERE IT, JIAN GHOMESHI.

(APPLAUSE)

BUT THAT'S BORING.

LET'S SEE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKEIN STAR WARS.

THAT'S BETTER.

>> TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME, SADETSY BOYFRIENDS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> A MAN WILL GO TO GREATLENGTHS FOR LOVE. HE'LL SCALE

MOUNTAINS, WRITE SONNETTS, EVENGO TO WAR.

WELL, THE PINING FELLOWS OFTHE SAD ETSY BOYFRIENDS TUMBLR

ARE DOING MORE THAN THAT.THEY'RE MODELING ADORAKABLE

CRAFTS ONLINE SO THEIRGIRLFRIENDS WILL HAVE ENOUGH

MONEY FOR EUKELE LESSONS ANDIMPROV CLASSES.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A BEAU MADETO MODEL, AND FOR 250 POINTS,

YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME HIS INNERMONOLOGUE.

FIRST ONE WHAT ABOUT THISCOLOURFUL HUNK.

DANIEL?

>> I MURDERED MY GRANDMOTHERFOR THIS SWEATER.

>> POINTS.

TOM.

>> HEY, I'M GREG AND I'MPROOF THAT REGGIE WATSON'S

PERSONA DOESN'T WORK ON AWHITE GUY.

>> YES.

THAT'S TOTALLY, YES.

POINTS.

>> THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IWAS GOING SAY THERE'S

NOTHING SADDER THAN WHITECOSBY.

>> YES, POINTS, I AGREE.

100 PERCENT POINTS.

>> ALL RIGHT. NEXT ONE.

THIS SINISTER LOOKINGMODEL.

WE'RE NOT SURE IF HE IS BEINGATTACKED IN THIS PICTURE, OR IF

THAT JUST CRAWLED UP THERE ANDEXPIRED, TOM?

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS.

YOU'RE WATCHING THIS VIDEO,I'M ALREADY DEAD.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> SO WAIT A MINUTE.

SO HE DIES AND THEN THEYSHOW THE VIDEO ON CHRISTMAS

MORNING?

ALL RIGHT. OPEN THAT LAST BOX.

>> Y'ALL KNOW ME. I SAID IWOULD DO IT.

>> LAST ONE, THIS BEANIE-CLADBEARDO.

>> I'M KYLE KINANE AND I DIDN'TEXPECT TO LIVE THIS LONG.

>> POINTS. DANIEL.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO NEED ABIGGER VAGINA.

(APPLAUSE)

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME,DEWEY DEFEATS ROYALS.

THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS KNOWN FORTHEIR KIND TREATMENT OF PEASANTS

AN BENEVOLENCE ON THE THRONE WONTHEIR ONE GAME PLAY-OFF AGAINST

AGAINST THE OAKLAND As, EARNINGTHEM A SPOT ON THE ESBL

BASEBALL CHALLENGE.

BUT MLB.COM APPARENTLY LEFT THEGAME IN THE 7TH INNING TO BEAT

TRAFFIC AND POSTED THIS HEADLINEINSTEAD.

ROYALS LEFT FEELING BLUEAFTER RALLY COMES UP SHORT.

THIS WAS THE BEST MEDIAMISTAKE SINCE DEWEY DEFEATS

TRUMAN.

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TOGIVE ME AS MANY GUN JUMPING

HEADLINES FROM HISTORICALEVENTS PAST, FRIEND, FUTURE

AS YOU CAN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

CAMERON, OH SORRY, TOM LENNON.

>> RENO 911, TOO GOOD TOCANCEL.

>> POINTS.

CAMERON.

>> BARACK OBAMA ELECTEDPRESIDENT, RACISM ENDS.

>> POINTS. TOM.

>> NOTHING HAPPENS TOHINDENBERG.

>> POINTS. DANIEL.

>> ADRIAN PETERSON INDUCKEDIN THE PARENTING HALL OF

FAME.

>> OKAY, POINTS. POINTS.

CAMERON.

>> AMERICA LOVES NEW FEMALELATE NIGHT HOSTS.

>> POINTS. TOM.

>> JUSTIN BIEBER, ALIVE ANDWELL.

>> POINTS.

CAMERON.

>> AVRIL LAVIGNE REMAINSMUSSICALLY RELEVANT.

>> POINTS. MR. SLOSS.

>> PIERS MORGAN WELCOMEDBACK TO BRITAIN WITH OPEN

ARMS.

>> POINTS. EXCELLENT.