Extended - Thursday, June 18, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 06/18/2015

Spike Feresten, Alison Rosen and Greg Fitzsimmons describe their dream dads, review clumsy robots and list unappetizing meal services in this uncensored, extended episode.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

(cheering, applause, whooping)For those of you who say that

Hillary Clinton is robotic, itturns out most of her Twitter

followers are, too. Literally.

A service known as Twitter Auditfound that the

Blackberry-wielding Chelsea mamahas the highest ratio of fake

Twitter followers of anypresidential candidate, but in

cynical political fashion,Hillary's handlers will no doubt

advise her to court thisvaluable nonhuman voting block.

So, comedians, please give me anexample of some pro-bot campaign

promises Clinton is sure tomake.

Uh, let's start with you, Spike.

>> Um... I can get America abigger dick-- ask me how.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Yes. Very spammy.

Yes. Points.

(applause)>> Come on. There you go.

There you go.

Alison.

>> This horny MILF wants to meetyou.

>> HARDWICK: Yes. Points.

(applause, laughter, whooping,whistling)

>> I've fallen for that one.

Um...

(laughter)I think she's gonna say, um...

"Bots, you and I are not thatdifferent.

We're both... we're hollow,we're phony, and we've both

hacked into Bill Clinton'scomputer."

>> HARDWICK: All right.

(laughter, groaning)All right, I'll give you points

for that.

Little... The crowd was a littlepolarized on that one.

(laughter)>> I didn't care for it.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: I like how earnest

that was.

All right. Facebook is undersiege by the dread pirate

Captain Quizz, the companybehind the new and hugely

popular "Who is your soul mate"app, an evil algorithm that

parses your interactions todetermine your ideal romantic

match.

However, in a sickeningdevelopment that seems scripted

by George R.R. Martin, a flaw inthe algorithm is matching people

with their own parents.

(laughter, groaning)Like this poor woman, who

apparently is a real daddy'sgirl.

(laughter, groaning)Hey, Dad, you know that thing

you always wanted to do?

Let's do it.

(laughter, groaning, shouting)>> Wow.

>> HARDWICK: I have a worse one.

(laughter)What about this? How about this?

Okay, do it. All right.

Remember, it's totally yourfault when you're upset in about

ten seconds.

(laughter)So... the reverse would be,

uh... hey, I was in there fornine months, what's another four

minutes, huh?

(laughter, groaning, shouting)Are you happy now?

(whooping)This is your fault!

I am your fault!

Aw, fuck, my mom watches thisshow.

(laughter)Goddamn it!

Why did I tell her I was doingthis?

Anyway, the app has alsoinformed some people their soul

mate is... themselves.

Which is very appropriate forthis narcissistic generation

who's obsessed with their facesup their assholes on social

media all the time.

So, comedians, what's a pickupline you would use to woo

yourself?

Uh, Spike.

>> Uh, hey, do my pants makeyour ass look big?

>> HARDWICK: All right. Points.

Points.

It sounds better the secondtime.

Alison Rosen.

>> What's a me like me doing ina place like my house?

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

I thought you were gonna say,"What's a me like me doing in a

me like this?">> Oh! That would work on me

better.

(laughter)What's a me like me doing...

inside me? Is that...

>> Oh. All right.

(groaning, laughter)>> I didn't know what you were

saying to say!

>> HARDWICK: I don't know!

Greg.

>> Okay, on the count of three,say your favorite movie.

One, two, three.

Don't Mess with the Zohan!

Me, too!

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Oh, my gosh.

Points.

All right. Last week, NickiMinaj cutouts started appearing

all over Helsinki, and ratherthan question why this was

happening or whether it would bea good idea, I... just 'cause I

had a spare minute or two, tookmy own mid-torque photo against

a green screen and...

(laughter, whooping, applause)...I asked...

our viewers...

to Photoshop me into someappropriate locations.

Uh, the Minaj and I are prettymuch in the same cultural

wheelhouse, I would say, so...

I figured this would work outwell.

Comedians, in which of theseplaces was I actually made to

shake my pathetic behind?

Uh...

Spike.

>> Well, so I'm gonna go with C.

>> HARDWICK: It's all of them!

There we go, this, uh...

this one comes from, uh, KasperKlitmoller on Facebook.

Thank you very much for that.

And, uh, the next one's, uh,Charlotte Gertner-Cox, uh, for

this fantastic...

mock-up here.

Uh, here I'm a twerking banditoof sorts, uh...

Just, uh, helping out the boysoverseas, and...

This last one, actually, is justa photograph that actually

happened, so I don't, uh...

>> Oh, oh, man.

>> HARDWICK: Uh, Neil's a dearfriend of mine, it was his

birthday a couple of days ago,so happy birthday, Neil.

This is what...

I let you have some cake acouple days...

>> It's a lovely birthday gift.

>> HARDWICK: A little-little bitof chocolate cake.

>> Ew.

>> Oh, boy.

>> HARDWICK: Comedians, forbonus points, I would like you

to explain what twerking is tomy mom.

>> Um, he's really justcampaigning for Rick Santorum.

That's all he's doing.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

>> Completely harmless,completely harmless.

>> HARDWICK: Alison.

>> What Chris is doing is he'smaking Jenny McCarthy feel good

about her career choices.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Greg.

>> Uh, Mrs. Hardwick, just,uh... just go to bed.

It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

Well...

Father's Day is coming up, butlet's be honest: we don't all

have perfect dads.

Some of us were raised by wolvesor guys named Rick, so for once,

we're gonna let ourdad-maginations run wild.

You can have any dad you putyour mind to with tonight's

hashtag "#MyDreamDadIs".

#MyDreamDadIs.

Examples might be an Xbox with afishing hat on it.

Uh, a dog in sunglasses...

dressed like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 seconds onthe clock now, and begin.

(bell dings)Greg.

>> Uh, alive.

>> HARDWICK: Oh, you...

>> But in a better mood.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

Spike.

>> Uh, Cliff Huxtable, notBill Cosby.

Right there.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Alison.

>> Not attracted to my friends.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Spike.

>> Hodor.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Alison.

>> Not a customer at the clubwhere I dance.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Greg.

>> Alive...

but putting me in his will thistime.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

Alison.

>> DTF: Down to Father.

>> HARDWICK: Yes.

(bell dings)Points.

Greg.

>> Alive...

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

>> ...but with a sloweruppercut.

>> HARDWICK: Okay.

Oh, God damn it.

Points.

It's time to play Daddy Like:Dadbod Edition.

Summer is here and that meansbarbecues and road trips and

dads everywhere untetheringthemselves from the shackles of

Tommy Bahama cabana shirts tounleash the sick dad bod.

Comedians, I'm gonna show you apicture of a glorious dad bod

and for 250 points I want you totell me what they were saying as

the picture was being taken.

First one, this advocate of gutcontrol.

(bell dings)Greg.

>> Get ready to pry this gunfrom my cold, dead hand...

and to pry this pizza off myhot, dead cock.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

Oh, yeah.

>> Yeah.

Yeah, it's pizza.

>> HARDWICK: Spike.

>> That's right, it's me, thegovernor of New Jersey.

Keep moving, keep moving.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Next one, how about thisdouble-fisting dad, huh?

All right.

(bell dings)Greg.

>> You know, I don't know if abear shits in the woods, but

after these two lattes, youbetter dig me a fucking ditch.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Points.

Alison.

>> It ain't camping till youfill two Ventes with your own

urine.

>> HARDWICK: Yes.

Points.

And it ain't survivalism untilyou have to drink those.

Spike.

>> I'm on a quest to get a photoof my knee brace in every state

park across America.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

>> It looks like a normal-sizedguy is giving him the Heimlich

maneuver.

>> HARDWICK: Next one, thishunk.

This hunk.

Yeah, Spike.

>> You've heard of theChippendales, I'm Chip and Doug.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Uh, Alison?

>> I'm the assistant manager ofa Big 5.

Who wants to fuck?

>> HARDWICK: Yes. Points.

(laughter)(applause)

I think he couldassistant-manage this big five

back over here.

If he really wants to.

Greg?

>> In case you can't tell, I'mthe one without the bow tie

who has sex with women.

(laughter, applause)>> HARDWICK: Points.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Greg's right.

Straight dudes don't look thiscut ever.

Like...

>> Aw...

>> HARDWICK: Why is that bad?

(laughter)Just date a gay dude.

(laughter)What?

Oh, you're seriously like, "Oh,okay, maybe..."

(laughter)You'd be like, "No, I'm tired of

getting behind you."

(laughter)(audience exclaiming)

But he's ripped.

Yeah.

All right, next one, thispaternal party animal.

(bell dings)This paternal party...

(audience groans)(laughs): Greg.

>> Hey, babe.

You like soft, useless penises?

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points for that.

Uh, Alison.

>> 'Sup, babe?

Just hanging out, mulleting itover.

>> HARDWICK: Yes. Nice.

Oh, well...

>> Mulleting.

>> HARDWICK: Gorgeous pun.

Gorgeous.

>> Thank you.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

>> Thank you.

>> HARDWICK: Spike.

>> This chick just boned mebecause she thinks I'm Kenny

Powers.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

All right, last one.

Last one.

(bell dings)(laughter)

There's a lot going on.

Spike?

>> If my pants turn brightorange, it means I'm having a

heart attack.

Call somebody right now.

(laughter, applause)>> HARDWICK: Alison Rosen?

>> Where's Waldo now,motherfucker?

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

(cheering, applause)>> Excellent.

>> Thank you.

>> HARDWICK: Uh, Greg?

>> Yeah, I'm out here on thesidewalk.

Wait, I'll wave so you can seeme.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

It's... it's possible he mightjust be a German guy.

Like, you don't know.

>> Yeah.

He might've been raped by thehighlighter row at Staples.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: The entire row...

>> The whole row.

>> Went at him.

Before the break, I showed youthis video of a robot being

owned by a floor Pop-Tart and anonplused dog.

I asked you guys to write yourAmazon review of this robot.

Let's see what you came up with.

Uh, Spike, let's start with you.

>> Finally an expensive way toconfuse elderly dogs.

Five stars.

>> HARDWICK: Yep.

>> Five stars.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Gregory Fitzsimmons.

>> The flashlight port was fullof crumbs.

Do not recommend.

(cheering)>> HARDWICK: Alison Rosen.

>> Every day, hundred of dogswho depend upon robots for

pastries go hungry.

Hi. I'm Sarah McLachlan.

Sorry to do another one of thosedepressing-ass commercials but

dogs need your help and so do I.

I haven't had a hit song since1995.

For just $18.99, you can buy allmy albums.

Fuck the dogs.

(cheering, whistling)

As we go to our

next game Easy & Greasy.

Easy & Greasy.

Spend any time on the Facebookand you'll be eyeball-fucked by

ads for all these trendy newdeliverable meal plans like Blue

Apron.

Uh, it's just pics ofrelentlessly happy people in

well-lit kitchens just having agood old time in non-logoed

clothing, cooking up the latestbalsamic bok choy recipe or some

vaguely named food service like"plated" or "freshly" or

"whitely peoplely lovelythisly."

Uh, and by the way, shit isexpensive, so, comedians, I want

you to come up with as manynames for low-rent meal plans

that you'd never want tosubscribe to in 60 seconds, and

begin.

(bell dings)Spike.

>> Dog Hair and Pennies.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Alison.

>> I Can't Believe It's NotGarbage.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Spike.

>> Reddish Lobster.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Spike.

>> Gunt Stuffers.

(Hardwick laughs)>> HARDWICK: That is the worst

phrase I've ever heard.

>> And you wouldn't order it.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Points.

Fitzy.

>> Big Box of Bullshit.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Alison.

>> Chef Boyardon't.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Spike.

>> Arthur Treacher's Fish andUsed Tampons.

(buzzing)I'm grasping here, but I knew

they would like that one.

I knew...

>> HARDWICK: You know...

>> Big Arthur Treacher fans.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Perfect.