May 19, 2016 - Paul Scheer

  • 05/19/2016

A court order forces a Mississippi town to desegregate its schools, and Larry discusses America's relationship with marijuana with Paul Scheer, Ricky Velez and Mike Yard.

-(audience chanting "Larry!"-Thank you very... (laughs)

Thank you.Thank you very much.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

-Larry! Larry! Larry!-Oh, thank you. Please.

Very kind.

Thank you so much.

-(chanting continues)-I am Larry...

Please have a seat. Please.

Too kind. Such a great...

What a crowd, man.

You know it's a good crowd whenthey're not just going, "Larry,"

they're going, "Larry! Larry!"

Someone was possessed.You okay, man?

All right.I appreciate it, my brotha.

I said "brother."I said "brother."

Yeah, okay. (chuckles)

I am Larry Wilmore.

Hey, comedian and actorPaul Scheer is here tonight.

-Very excited about that.-(cheering, applause)

Joining us back...

And, guys, I have to tell you,

I'm excitedabout tonight's show.

You know why? 'Cause we'regonna be talking about weed.

-(shouting, whooping, applause)-Yeah.

(chuckles): In a...in a new segment I like to call

Larry's Dank News Stash.

(burbling)

Oh. Oh. There we go.

All right,we begin with the NFL.

NEWSWOMAN: Medical marijuana use is allowed in 24 states

and the District of Columbia,but for athletes in the NFL,

using marijuana goes againsttheir substance abuse policy.

One player is looking to change that.

He should be tryingto change their approach

to that other abuse policy.

(laughter, groans)

That's neither here nor there,neither here nor there.

I'm not talking about that.

Uh, but the NFL should love theidea of marijuana in football,

because, uh, first of all,it's the only way

to make league-sponsoredPapa John's seem edible, right?

-(laughter, applause)-Right? That's a good thing.

(chomping)

All right, so who's this playertrying to turn the clean-cut NFL

into Burning Man?

NEWSWOMAN: Baltimore Ravens offensive tackle

Eugene Monroe wants the NFL to allow medical marijuana

for players with football injuries,

arguing that medical marijuana could help treat chronic pain

and is a far better, healthier, and less addictive option

than opioids.

Great. Just what the Giants need

to get slowerand less motivated.

-(laughter, applause)-Right?

You know I'm right.(chuckles)

Oh, sorry, Giants.

Now, we've talkedabout the dangers of opioids

on the show before-- consultyour Nightly Show almanac

to get further information--but... it's true, guys,

they have ensnaredalmost two million Americans.

And, guys,I don't mean to bum you out,

but opioidsmay have taken Prince from us.

It's awful, right?

Meanwhile, the only bad thingpot has ever done

is turn Seth Rogeninto a movie star.

-(laughter)-Right?

So... I'm just sayin'...

potato, pot...

(laughter)

...tah-to. Okay?

So look, I mean, if a grown man

wants to take somethingthat is legal in his state,

prescribed by a doctorto ease his pain,

especially one that doesn'tmake you faster or bigger,

why should it matterto the league?

I mean, what's the concern?Is the NFL worried, like,

Tom Brady's gonna wander offduring a crucial drive

to go follow Phisharound the country or something?

Right?Or-or is the league scared

players will snickeramongst themselves

whenever there'sfour minutes and 20 seconds left

in a quarter?

(laughter)

It's 4:20! Ha!

Question for you, NFL:

why are concussionsthe only acceptable way

for a guy to losebrain cells, hmm?

-(audience groans, murmurs)-Hmm? Let 'em smoke.

Too soon? Too soon? Sorry.

Yeah, probably.

All right, time for another hitof Larry's Dank News Stash.

(burbling)

-That's so bizarre.-(laughter)

That's just...that's just strange, isn't it?

Okay. (chuckles)

Dude... check it out, man.

(laughs)

I think Grandma's high.

Seniors are becomingless secretive

and more serious abouttheir cannabis consumption.

The 55-and-older crowd-- that's not old--

is now the fastest-growing demographic

of pot users in the country.

Between 2013 and 2014, the number increased

from 2.8 million to 4.3 million.

Wow.

Wait. 55?

Isn't that when the seniordiscount at Denny's kicks in?

(laughter)

(reverberating):Coincidence?

Did you guys just hear a reverb?That was weird. Mm.

All right, so basically, insteadof getting their prescriptions

filled at Walgreens,your grandparents are now

getting them filled atthe bus stop next to Walgreens.

-(laughter)-That's a pretty good deal.

-(applause)-All right, okay,

I'll tell you, man,as far as I'm concerned,

old peopleshould be able to have

all the weed they want.

-(whooping)-They... Right?

They have paid their dues, man!

If anybody-- are you kidding me?

The greatest generationis entitled to a powerful buzz.

-(laughter)-And not just the one they get

from forgetting to split theirheart medication in half, right?

On purpose.

All right.I think we got one more story

in Larry's Dank News Stash--what do we got?

-(burbling) -Do we have to dothis thing every time?

All right. Okay, shockingly,this marijuana news

comes from Colorado.

Pot smokers in Colorado arehelping send kids to college!

-(laughter)-Hmm.

-(applause)-Well... You can applaud.

-(whooping)-But...

it kind of makes sense,because the only thing

that can make you feel smarterthan a college education

-is weed. Right?-(laughter)

(inhales)

Bro, I think I just figured outthe meaning of life.

...scholarships paid forwith marijuana taxes.

Pueblo Countyis now telling students

it's time to apply for that money.

They're looking for Pueblo High School seniors

who plan to stay in Pueblo for college.

Okay, so this pot scholarshipis only for kids

who want to stayin their hometown?

Well, if there's one thingweed can help with,

it's not going anywhere.

Analysts saythat Colorado growers and buyers

paid more than $135 millionin taxes last year...

Yeah, they paid it, of course,to the High-R-S! Heh-heh!

Yeah! Thank you.

Worked on that one all day,y'all. Yeah!

Now, look, guys, whetheryou're for or against drugs,

I think we can all agreethat if this can help kids

get an educationwithout mortgaging their future

with heavy debt, then...as a society,

that's got to make us feelpretty good, right?

Not because we helped themaccomplish their goals,

but because we just smokedall that (bleep) weed. Hmm.

Now, here to d...uh, outline the details

of how thisscholarship program works

is Pueblo County comptrollerSlade Kinnebrew.

(cheering, applause)

-Oh, we're on. What's up, man?-Yeah. Yeah, we're on.

Uh, uh...Slade, so, in November,

lawmakers said that the weed taxwould provide, like,

400 scholarshipsto high school seniors.

That's pretty good.But now that number's only 25.

-So what happened?-I'm just the comptroller.

What do you want me to do,balance the budget or something?

Like, I don't...

Yes, that's literally your job.

Yeah, touché, man.

Touché?

Yeah, it's French for "touch."

Um... I don't think that's true.

But, yo, yo,the last time I checked,

25 was a lot more than zero,so, like, all right.

-Uh-huh. -And yeah, we messedup, maybe, just a little bit,

but we're really highover here, bro.

I'm really shocked.

Uh, but, well,but students are still

getting $1,000 each, right?

Yeah, man.We're talking full ride

to Harvard time, man.

Um... you can't pay for Harvardwith $1,000.

Nah, man-- HarvardJunior College.

Two-year program-- bam!

-In your face, Larry.-No, not bam, not in my face.

There is no HarvardJunior College.

Uh... oh. Oh. Ooh.

-Uh-oh. Uh-oh.-What? What happened?

We, uh, we smokedall of our profits, dude.

You smoked the profits?

Yup, we got a full-on deficit.

(giggling)

What's funny?

We're gonna have totax the tax, Larry.

You can't tax the tax.

It's not my fault.Stop yelling at me.

-I didn't ask for this, man.-I'm not yelling at...

Yes, you did, you're the onethat ran for office.

You're the comptroller.

I did.

That's dope, man.

-All right...-I got to get to work.

Slade Kinnebrew. We're notlearning anything, everybody.

-We'll be right back.-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Too much weed!

All right, welcome back.

Now, a lawsuit left overfrom the Jim Crow era

in the Deep Southlooks like it has finally

come to a conclusion.

A federal court is orderinga Mississippi town

to fully desegregateits schools.

This is the culminationof a 50-year fight

against the Justice Department.

Black and white students arelargely separated in Cleveland.

Under the order,

the town's two high schoolsmust become one.

A school that's finallybeing integrated

after 50 years?Oh, man.

Guys, when we firstheard this story,

we were so pumped up to do this.

I mean, this is right,like, in our wheelhouse, right?

We even wrote a sketch about it.

I get to go to a white school?Thank you, Jesus!

No, sorry, Mike, actually,we're not doing that.

We're not doing it, sorry.

Yeah, I know,it's sad. It's sad.

Uh, because, uh...

something about the waythis story was being reported--

it just didn'tsit right with me.

Which brings usto a new segment called

Hang On a Minute, News! ThisDon't Feel Right in my Bones.

Ooh.

So, it felt likethe news reports were saying

that this was the caseof an all-white school

versus an all-black schooland that the town

was going to integratethe two into one, right?

Like some sort of fantasticracial harmony Voltron.

All right? But that's notall that's happening here.

Let's look at the facts.At Cleveland High School,

about half the studentsare white.

Meanwhile, East Side HighSchool, situated

across railroad tracksin a less-affluent section

of town, is nearly all black.

That's right: the all-blackhigh school is literally

on the wrong side of the tracks,

earning this week'sOn the Nose award.

I salute you,East Side High School.

But, wait, if studentsalready integrated

the white school, why is itbeing covered like this?

REPORTER: ...the Mississippi town of Cleveland

to desegregate.

REPORTER 2: ...federal court order to integrate.

-REPORTER 3: Desegregation plan. -REPORTER 4: ...desegregate.

Ordering the two schoolsto integrate.

-...racial desegregation.-...ordered to desegregate.

I mean, they're making itsound like George Wallace

giving hisinaugural address in '63.

"Segregation now, segregationtomorrow, segregation forever!"

(babbles)

Right?

I... That's what itfelt like to me, right?

So... But the problemis not black students

aren't being allowedin the white school.

It's becausewhite students aren't

going on the other sideof the tracks

to attend the black school.

"But, Larry, how could that be?"Well, over the last 50 years,

East Side High School--the historically black one--

has vastly fewer resources.

Until recently, East Sidehad no A.C.T. test prep,

no science textbooksfor students to take home,

and get this-- no lockers.

What kind of a schooldoesn't have lockers?

Where are these kids supposed tohang up their Tiger Beat

with Larry Wilmoreon the cover? Right?

Where's that supposed to go?

And where are theysupposed to shove the nerds?

Which, ironically,is anyone who has a Tiger Beat

with Larry Wilmore on the cover.

All right, but here's my point:this story is really about

the city's failure to take careof the all-black school,

not aboutthe half-white school's

inability to desegregate.

That school has bothblack and white students.

Call it Halle Berry High,if you will.

Sorry, I just use any excuseto bring up Halle Berry.

Hey, boo.Look...

Just racially mixed, see?It works, so...

Look, no onewants to send their kid

to an under-performing school,regardless of race.

So when these two schoolsare so close to each other

and yet one is so dramaticallyless-equipped,

it's no longer about Brownversus the Board of Education.

It's about brown...

versus a quality education.

And that's the real story

that needs to be told here.

We'll be right back.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Welcome back!I'm here with my panel!

First up, Nightly Show Contributor Ricky Velez.

(cheering and applause)

And Nightly Show ContributorMike Yard.

(cheering and applause)

And his new showfor Fullscreen's SVOD service,

Filthy Preppy Teen$, is available now.

Welcome backcomedian Paul Scheer.

-(cheering and applause)-What's up?

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter, @NightlyShow,using the hashtag, #Tonightly.

Okay, so as we talkedabout earlier in the show,

senior citizens are, like,the fastest growing demographic

of pot users in the country.It's amazing.

But almost half of Americais still against legalizing pot.

So my question is,should we just let old people

who paid their dues to societyhave whatever they want?

Yeah. Old people are having,like, a second spring break

in life, right?They got boner pills.

They're getting laid.They're getting high.

-Yes, they are. -Like, they'reliving the dream. It used to be

you go to an old age home,it'd be, like... just to go die.

Now they go there to party.

-Like Club Med. This is it.-Yeah.

-Pot is, like, the final thingthat they needed. -Exactly.

-Like, "Finally!"-"Let's do this."

Listen, I-I have no problemwith it.

I think we should let...You live that...

You live long enough, youshould be able to do whatever

-you want to do. The only...-All bets are off.

All bets are...Do what you want to do.

If you want to smoke,you want to shoot-- I don't care

-what you want to do.I don't care. You want -Shoot?

-to shoot up dope, if you haveearned it, -Just shoot people?

-then do it. The only problemI have is... -Oh. Oh.

-Heroin? Really?-Whatever you want to do.

-If you're grown... Listen...-Their veins are showing more

-when they're older. It's easierto find a vein, -That's true.

-so... -That-that is a very goodpoint. -Listen, it's better

you start when you're old,right,

than when you're young.The only problem I have

with old people smoking weed is

if you thinkthey drive slow now, wait...

You imagine a bunch of oldpeople weeded on the streets?

I want these old peopleto understand

weed upgradeslike Apple products. Like...

What do you mean?

It just keeps getting strongerand stronger. It's not...

Don't smoke it thinkingyou're smoking '60 weed.

-That's not the same weed. No.-Oh. You mean like

-if they haven't smoked sincethe '60s? -It's science weed

-now. It's science.-Like bio-weed?

-Yes! -Like, before, they were,like, smoking a little bit

of weed.Now they're gonna be, like...

-They'll be downfor the count now. -Yeah.

I don't know what you're talkingabout. That weed in the old days

made people travel acrossthe country on foot, okay?

To go to a peace concert.I don't know

-what you're talking about.-That's how you... -That-that...

-With flowers in their hair.-That's how you... -Yeah.

-"I'm going to California!"-That's how you know

-it's not good though. -'Causeit'd make you run? -Right.

When was the last timeyou (bleep) smoked some weed

and like, "Let me go exercise"?Who the (bleep) is that person?

Actually, I do exercise on weed.It's the best thing.

-I'm telling you.-Does it keep you focused?

Yes. I feel every... I'mpush... I feel everything, man.

-What? -And then you realizethere were no weights

-in the room the whole time.Right. -I know. Nothing.

You haven't left the house.It's just, like, two Dorito bags

in your hands. You're like,"Yeah. Yeah, feel the burn."

-Get big, baby. -Now, I... now,I remember when I was a kid,

one of the supposed deterrentsto try to keep you off with...

they always saidit was a gateway drug.

Do you buy that? That it...that weed is a gateway drug

-to other drugs? -It's onlya gateway drug to make TV

more interesting, right?I mean, like, that's the only...

-That's the gateway. -That'sthe gateway. To make TV better.

If you want to watch Yo Gabba Gabba!, it'll be great.

-Oh, watch that. -That's what...that is... -Yo Gabba Gabba!?

-It's amazing. -It's a gatewayto Yo Gabba Gabba!

-being amazing.But, no, it's, like... -Right.

-it's weird 'cause it's, like...-You don't think

if you start early, it would...it, uh, might, uh...

That it wears off or something?You want more stronger...

-Well, I don't mean early in theday. You know? No. -No. (laughs)

-Look, I got... -Like, if you'rea teenager and you're...

and-and you do marijuana,

-are you more than likelyto try other drugs -Yeah.

-than somebody that doesn't?-But don't you think

that when you're drinking,right, you're not trying

anything harder than drinking.

-You have people just continuingto drink. -Mm-hmm.

It's not like drinking leadsto heroin, you know?

-Like... -'Cause-'cause drinkingdoes its job.

-Oh, yeah. Weed is working.-Yeah.

-You just said.-I mean, yeah, man.

-Weed works, Larry. -Yeah,I don't... -Okay. All right.

I don't know what... I don'tknow what he's talking about.

-L-Larry got a (bleep) dealer.-So-so you're saying...

you're saying... you're sayingit's not a gateway,

-that that's it. That's it,right? -It's not. -It's a...

it's a gatewayto a job on Comedy Central.

-But, um... but it's...-(cheering and applause)

-Look, I...-Hold up. -Go ahead.

I don't agree that it's...Well, I don't know.

-Maybe it's just me,but, I mean... -Might be.

And not that this is cool, butthe first time I smoked weed,

I was in little league,you know what I'm saying?

-So... I was in little...-Little league?

Listen, I was trying to win achampionship. It was stressful.

I was in Little League.

-WILMORE: Were you smokingduring the game? -No. no.

-WILMORE: Oh, okay.-Before the game,

-we'd get nice, you know.-How old were you?

-I was ten when I started...-You were ten years old?

First time I ever smoked weed.

-(audience groaning) -VELEZ:I don't think you were...

Listen, I was in the islands.It's different.

-Don't judge us! Don't judge us.-(laughter, applause)

-I was in...-This was St. Croix.

-Wait. Did...? No...-This is in St. Croix, yes.

-Did anybody else on your teamsmoke weed? -Everybody.

-All my friends smoked whenI was young. -At ten years old?

-Yes. Listen...-SCHEER: No one ever hit a ball.

It was just likea lot of just like...

-(laughter) -YARD:The games lasted long as hell.

People laying in the outfield.

It's likethose Bugs Bunny cartoons

where the ball goes like that.

-Yeah, I was ten. I was ten.-But here's the thing.

-Yes. -Like, all your friendsthat you know

that smoke weed--are they doing any harder drugs?

-YARD: No.-Like, the majority, no.

-I mean...-I've never tried anything else.

WILMORE:What do you think is the biggest

societal fear about marijuana?

Like, what is the big resistanceto wanting to make it legal?

Uh, yeah,I don't know what the fear is

VELEZ:My doctor told me

-it's lowering my sperm count.-(laughter) -Really?

-Yeah, and I was like...-So it's helping you...?

..."That's dopebecause a baby would (bleep)

-this high right now."-(laughter, applause)

YARD:I got to tell you this.

(Bleep) suck.I hate kids.

-Kids (bleep).-YARD: They are a buzz kill.

-They are a buzz kill.-WILMORE: That would be

a pretty fast birth process.

YARD:I got to tell you this, though.

I don't knowwhat the fears are now, because,

-as far as I'm concerned,there is no fear. -SCHEER: Yes.

-WILMORE: Okay.-But this is what they use.

-WILMORE: No societal fear.All right. -No...

This is what they use to scarepeople into making weed illegal.

-Okay. -This is the wordsof the commissioner

of the Treasury Department's

Federal Bureauof Narcotics in 1930.

-VELEZ: This is crazy.-WILMORE: Oh, yeah.

He said, "If you use marijuana,

"you will first fallinto a delirious rage.

"Then you will be gripped bydreams of an erotic character."

-WILMORE: Yeah.-(laughter)

"Then you will lose the powerof connected thought.

"Finally, you will reachthe inevitable end.

End point-- insanity."

-What kind of weedwas he smoking? -(laughter)

-SCHEER: 1930 weed...-1930 weed

-...was good.-...was the (bleep).

-That was like...-YARD: No. That was...

-That's Bonnie and Clyde weedthere, right. -That's PCP.

-That's PCP, man.-Right.

YARD:This is what they were

telling peopleweed would do to you.

-No wonder there wasa great depression. -Exactly.

-There was all that weed.-(laughter)

This is what they saidweed would do to you.

But look, if you look at, like,Amsterdam, right? -Yes.

-A country where there's tonsof weed. -WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

Like, that is not a country thatyou look at, and you're like,

"Ooh, that's scare...I'm scared by that country."

-WILMORE: Mm-hmm. -No,there's nothing to be scared of.

-WILMORE: Right. -Nicepeaceful people smoke weed,

have a good time, that's it.

And the truth ismost of the countries

-that have legalized drugs,drug use goes down. -Mm-hmm.

That's fact.You can look that up.

-WILMORE (laughing): Okay, okay.-(laughter)

YARD:I'm saying.

SCHEER:He challenges you to look it up.

-YARD: Use that Google.-No, Mike, this is...

Do it. Look (bleep) up.

WILMORE: Mike doesn'tsubstantiate it as fact.

-He says, "You look dothe research." -You do it.

-MIKE: I did the research.-You look it up.

I'm not gonna footno (bleep) myself.

You look it up. Yeah.

Uh, what about the NFL?Do you...?

Are you cool with playersbeing able to smoke weed?

Listen, I hang outwith a few NFL players.

-They smoke weed.-(laughter)

Did you just outa couple of NFL players?

No, I'm not gonna saywhich ones, but they do.

Who do you think smokes more--NFL or NBA players?

Remember... Well, this is theonly thing. I think maybe NBA,

because remember,like, when Robert Parish

from the Celticswas, like, caught with weed.

He had, like, a duffel bagfull of weed,

and he was going awayfor a weekend, you know, so...

-WILMORE: They called him"The Chief," right? -Yeah.

YARD: Look, I can't tell youwho smokes more--

football playersor basketball players.

But I can tell you the bestsport to play when you're high.

-WILMORE: Which is...?-Basketball. I ain't running

-into nobody when I'm high.-(laughter)

-Like...-Yeah, right?

Can you imagine being highplaying football?

After three plays, you're like,"Yeah, what are we doing?"

SCHEER: "No. Why are we fightingeach other?"

-(laughter) -Let's just...-Let's get some snacks.

You got some chips or something?

I'll give him the ball,you give me the ball.

We don't haveto fight over this.

-Yeah. -YARD: What are we doing.Go ahead! Score!

WILMORE:Worst game ever. All right.

We'll be right backright after this.

(applause and cheering)

YARD: If you live in the New York City area,

or are planning to visit, grab some free tickets to:

All right,thanks to my panelists--

Ricky Velez, Mike Yard,and Paul Scheer.

We're almost out of time,but before we go,

I'm gonna keep it 100for you guys. 100.

Okay, tonight's question is froman audience member named Ramon.

All right, let's take a look.

Hey, Larry, which reality starwould make the best politician--

Caitlyn Jenner,Omarasa, or Honey Boo Boo?

Keep it 100.

(Wilmore laughs)

Uh, oh, okay.

We, look, we already have

a big orangeHoney Boo Boo running right now,

so, Honey Boo Boois the obvious choice.

Thanks for watching.Good Nightly, everyone!

Give me a harder question.Challenge me, you guys.

-Challenge me!-(applause and cheering)