Santorelli, Ansari, Walsh, Koy

  • Season 9, Ep 903
  • 02/03/2006

Damon Wayans stars in Premium Blend featuring Frank Santorelli, Aziz Ansari, Brendon Walsh, & JoKoy.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

HOLLER!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT!

DO IT!

HEY, WORKING SUCKS. DOESN'T IT?

- [CHEERING] - YEAH. IT BLOWS.

I HAD A LOT OF CRAPPY JOBS IN MY DAY.

I HATED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

LIKE THE LAST JOB I HAD,I HAD TO WEAR THIS BADGE

AROUND MY NECK ALL DAY.LIKE A LAMINATED BADGE.ANYBODY GOT TO DO THAT?

YEAH, IT'S LIKE THE BACKSTAGE PASS

TO THE CRAPPIEST CONCERT EVER INVENTED.

- THIS GETS ME INTO WORK. - [LAUGHTER]

AND I'D GET ALL BORED AT MY DUMB JOBS.

LIKE, YOU EVER BEEN AT YOUR JOB YOU JUST GET LIKE

SO BORED AND SICK OF DOING IT

THAT YOU JUST GO INTO THE BATHROOM TO HANG OUT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO GO, RIGHT?

YOU JUST WANT A CHANGE OF SCENERY FOR A LITTLE BIT.

REEVALUATE YOUR LIFE. I GOT FIRED FROM MY LAST JOB

FOR DOING THAT, HANGING OUT IN THE BATHROOM.

MY SUPERVISOR CAME IN AND CAUGHT ME.

WELL, I ALSO HAD MY PANTS DOWN

AND WAS LOOKING AT MY BUTT CRACK IN THE MIRROR, TOO.

CHECKING THE SPREAD.

SCARED ME WHENHE BURST IN THERE, TOO.I WAS ALL STARTLED.

I DROPPED MY SANDWICH IN THE TOILET. THAT'S HOW STARTLED I WAS.

- [LAUGHTER] - WHAT?

I HAD A WHOLE SCENEGOING ON IN THERE, MAN.

WELL, IN MY DEFENSE, IT WAS CASUAL FRIDAY.

SO I WAS JUST KEEPING CAS. DOESN'T GET MUCH MORE CASUAL

THAN LOOKING AT YOURBUTT CRACK IN THE MIRRORWHILE YOU EAT A HOAGIE.

THAT'S CASUAL. IT'S FUN.

THANKS, MAN.I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

UM, YEAH, SO I GREW UP IN SOUTH CAROLINA,

AND I THINK GROWIN' UP DOWN THERE

IT'S MADE ME ALWAYS KIND OF FASCINATED

BY LIKE RED STATE THINKING.

LIKE I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GAY MARRIAGE,

BUT I LOVE READING ARGUMENTS AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE.

I FIND 'EM REALLY FASCINATING.

LIKE THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE OF ALL TIME.

IT'S FROM THIS GUY NAMED SENATOR JOHN CORNYN FROM TEXAS.

THIS IS HIS ARGUMENT AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE.

I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP. HE GOES:

"NOW IF YOUR NEIGHBOR MARRIES A BOX TURTLE--

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOESN'T AFFECT YOUR EVERY DAY LIFE,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S RIGHT."

WHAT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, & APPLAUSE]

WHAT AN INTERESTING NUGGET OF WISDOM THAT IS.

NOW I MYSELF WASNOT A PSYCHOLOGY MAJOR,

BUT I THINK IT'SPRETTY SAFE TO ASSUME ATONE POINT OR ANOTHER

SENATOR JOHN CORNIN'S THOUGHT ABOUT MAKING LOVE

TO A BOX TURTLE, BECAUSE I'M SORRY,

BUT THAT'S NOT THEFIRST ANIMAL YOU JUMP TO

WHEN YOU'RE WRITING THAT ANALOGY.

I JUST DUMPED MY GIRLFRIEND 'CAUSE SHE WAS UGLY.

IT'S LIKE "HIT THE BRICK'S UGGA-MUGG! GET LOST!"

YOU CAN BE MEAN TO UGLY GIRLS. THEY DON'T HAVE FEELINGS.

SO, THAT'S COOL. OH, COME ON, THAT'S MEAN.

- SHUT UP. - [APPLAUSE]

BUT SHE WAS, MAN. SHE WAS A SKANK.

SHE WAS, LIKE,REALLY HARD ON THE EYES.

- [LAUGHTER] - SHE WAS.

BUT SHE WAS A MODEL. BUT SHE ONLY POSED FOR BEFORE PICTURES.

SO IT'S LIKE--THAT'S A RIP OFF, DUDE.

GET ME AN AFTER MODEL UP IN HERE! I DESERVE AN AFTER MODEL.

LIKE, I HAD THIS, LIKE SUPER HOT GIRLFRIEND FOR A WHILE, RIGHT?

SHE WAS ALL HOT.SHE WOULD ALWAYS, LIKE,

LAY OUT IN THE SUN AND GET A TAN.

AND SHE'D GET TAN LINES FROM HER BIKINI.

OH, I LOVE THAT WHEN GIRLS HAVE TAN LINES,

'CAUSE IT HELPS ME BE BETTER IN THE SACK. YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE EVERYTHING'S ALREADY MAPPED OUT FOR ME, THERE.

JUST TOUCH ALL THE PALE SPOTS. AHH!

♪ [TRUMPET DANCE BEATS]

MAKE TRUMPET NOISES, TOO, THEY LOVE IT.

♪ DO, DO, DO-DO-DO

SHE WAS COOL. SHE GAVE MY PENIS A NICKNAME.

ANY LADIES EVER DO THIS? IT'S AWESOME.

YEAH, I HAD FEW NICKNAMES FOR MY PENIS.

THIS ONE GIRL, SHE USED TO CALL MY PENIS MICRO SOFT.

- IT'S AWESOME.- [LAUGHTER]

IT'S 'CAUSE IT'S ABIG, HUGE COMPANY, DUDE.

THAT'S WHY SHE WAS CALLING IT--

IT'S LIKE A GIANT COMPANY WITH THOUSANDS OF EMPLOYEES.

WELL, MY LAST GIRLFRIEND, SHE WAS CALLING MY PENIS

WHAT I THOUGHT WAS, LIKE A BIG, POWERFUL, SCARY NICKNAME.

SHE'S CALLING IT A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

YEAH. SOUNDED COOL. WHEN I FOUND OUT SHE WAS CALLING IT THAT

'CAUSE SHE THOUGHT MY PENIS WAS REALLY HARD TO FIND.

I WAS MAKING THE WHOLE THING UP TO GET WHAT I WANTED.

OH, CRAP!

I GREW UP IN AN ITALIAN FAMILY. KIND OF STRANGE,

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME HOW TO SHAVE.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, SO YOU KNOW, I'M ALWAYS IN NIGHT CLUBS.

YOU EVER SEE THIS? IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

THE BAR IS CLOSING. THE LIGHTS COME ON.

YOU'LL ALWAYS SEE ONE GUY IN A NIGHTCLUB LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I STOPPED DRINKING FOR A WHILE. OH YEAH.

JUST TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

'CUZ I WOUND UP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR ONE TOO MANY TIMES,

YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS, RIGHT?

- RIGHT? - [LAUGHTER]

I'M LAYIN' THERE I OPEN MY EYES. I SEE THE BATHROOM SCALE.

SO, I WEIGHED MY HEAD.

TWENTY-TWO POUNDS. MY HEAD WEIGHS 22 POUNDS.

I'M VERY DEPRESSED ABOUT IT. I'M A FAT HEAD.

AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE A FAT HEAD,

IF YOU DON'T ORDER ALCOHOL, YOU GET THE BIG CRAZY STRAW.

IT'S HARD TO BE TOUGH OR COOL

WHEN YOU GOT THE BIG CRAZY STRAW.

COULD YOU SEE ME IF I GOT INTO A FIGHT?

I'D BE LIKE, "HEY, LISTEN, BUDDY...

"I'LL KICK YOUR ASS ALL OVER THIS BAR,

"YOU MESS WITH ME, PAL.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"I'M THE LAST GUY IN THE WORLD YOU WANNA MESS WITH.

[LAUGHTER]

"'CUZ I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING IF YOU MESS WITH ME, [POP]--

I'LL BE YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, THIS GUY AGAIN, IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING--

[SIGHS]

AND AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, YOU HEAR HIM GOING,

"WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOIN'?

YOU'RE NOT TAKIN' OFF, ARE YA?"

[LAUGHTER]

HOW COME YOU NEVER SEE WOMEN LIKE THAT?

OR DO YOU?

NO, YOU NEVER SEE WO-- YOU NEVER SEE WOMEN GOING,

"WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! [SIGHS]"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

[Slurred Voice]"I AM HAMMERED.

AND I'M RETAINING WATER BIG TIME. [SIGHS]"

[LAUGHTER]

DID YOU EVER SEE THIS GUY WHO THINKS HE'S COOL

WHO'S LIKE A TOTAL JERK?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I GOTTA GO.I HOPE YOU GUYS HAD A GOOD TIME.

SO STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE A MATH PROBLEM.

YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE, WHAT IS THAT?

KEEP YOUR COMPLIMENTS TO YOURSELF.

I GET THE WORST COMPLIMENTS ALL THE TIME.

OH, YOU'RE ASIAN. I LOVE ORANGE CHICKEN. HUH?

- [LAUGHTER] - WHAT?

THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT.

WHAT DO YOU DOWHEN SOMEBODY SAYS THAT?LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO GO

[Thick Asian Accent]"OH, THANK YOU.

"ALL RIGHT. ORANGE CHICKEN.

"ALL RIGHT.ORANGE CHICKEN.

"IT IS SO GOOD! ALL RIGHT.

- [LAUGHTER] - THANK YOU."

LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THIS. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WEARING

T-SHIRTS WITH PICTURES OF PEOPLE

THAT INSPIRE THEM TO DO STUFF. I WEAR A PICTURE OF MY SON

'CAUSE NO ONE INSPIRES ME TO WORK HARDER THAN MY SON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S ALSO A CONSTANT REMINDER TO WEAR A CONDOM.

GUYS DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT CONDOMS ARE ANYMORE.

YOU EVER ASK A GUY,"HEY, YOU GOT A CONDOM?"

"NO, I LIVE IN AN APARTMENT."

"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

[LAUGHTER]

MY SON'S TWO. TWO.

IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH A CRAZY MIDGET.

LIKE CRAZY-- LIKE CRAZY PEOPLE.

TALK TO THEMSELVES. THEY LAUGH AT THEIR OWN JOKES.

THEY POOP ON THEMSELVESFOR NO REASON.

THAT'S MY SON. I'LL JUST BE WATCHING TV.

HE'LL COME RUNNING IN THE LIVING ROOM.

"AH-AH-AH-AH.

DAA-DA-DAA-DAAA-RAADA."

HE'S GOT HIS DIAPER ON HIS HEAD.

CRAP'S COMING DOWN THE SIDE OF HIS FACE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GLAD I HAVE A SON, THOUGH. I GOT A BOY-- A LITTLE BOY.

I DON'T KNOWIF I COULD HAVE A GIRL.

LITTLE GIRL, OH, THEY TURN 16, THEY WANT TO DATE.

THEY SAY, "I WANT TO GO OUT.""OH, GO TO YOUR ROOM."

YOU KNOW? 'CAUSE I REMEMBERWHEN I WAS 16,

MY GIRLFRIEND USED TO CALL ME. "HEY, COME ON OVER.

I'LL LEAVE THE WINDOW OPEN. HEE-HEE-HEE!"

I'M A HEAVY SLEEPER. I'M A HEAVY SLEEPER.

I REMEMBER WHAT I DID THAT DAY.

I DON'T WANT TO CATCH MY DAUGHTER.

OH, IF I CATCH HER-- CATCH YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU'D FREAK, RIGHT?

IMAGINE OPENING UP THE DOOR. YOU'RE CATCHING HER.

"DAD, WOO! NO!"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT A SON. I'D LOVE TO CATCH MY SON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SIXTEEN-- THAT'LL BE THEGREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

IMAGINE IF YOU OPEN THE DOOR. "DAD." "HEY...

GOOD BOY.

LET ME GET THE CAMCORDER."

IT WOULD JUST SUCK IF I CAME BACK WITH THE CAMCORDER

AND ANOTHER GUY POPS OUTFROM UNDER THE SHEETS.

"OH, MY GOD, IS THAT YOUR DAD?" "NO! NO! NO!

THAT'S MY TIME. MY NAME'S JO KOY.

I LOVE-- THIS IS THE SEXIEST CITY IN THE PLANET.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH.

I'M ABOUT TO TRAVEL.I WAS GONNA GO TO PARIS.

I WANTED TO GO TO PARIS.

BUT YOU KNOW THEY ACTTHE FOOL OVER THAT AREA.

SO I'M GONNA KEEP-- TERRORISM WORKS. I'M TERRIFIED.

SO, I DECIDED I WANTED TO GO THERE BECAUSE

IT'S SUCH A ROMANTIC PLACE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S LIKE THE LANGUAGE IS JUST BEAUTIFUL.

- [Mimicking French] - [LAUGHTER]

THEY CAN SAY ANYTHING TO YOU, AND IT SOUNDS ROMANTIC.

- "SO, YOU ARE THE [BLEEP]?" -[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU. BON APPETI TO YOU!

SPANISH AND FRENCH ARE TWO VERY JUST SEXY LANGUAGES. YOU KNOW?

SEE I DIDN'T WANNA GO TO CHINA 'CAUSE THAT'S NOT SEXY.

- [Mimicking Chinese] -[LAUGHTER]

NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, THAT MEANS,

"YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL." [Mimicking Chinese]

[LAUGHTER]

AND AFRICAN IS NOT REALLY A SEXY LANGUAGE.

[Speaking Gibberish and Clicking Tongue]

I JUST IMAGINE-- [CHUCKLES]

LIKE A CHINESE GUY AND AN AFRICA WOMAN HAVING SEX:

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS HANGING OUT ATTHIS PARTY RECENTLY

AND I HEARD THIS GUY GOING AROUND

TALKING ABOUT HOW HE WAS THIS BIG RAP PRODUCER.

AND HE WAS JUST GOING AROUND AND BOASTING AND BRAGGING.

AND IN ONE OFTHOSE BRAGGING SESSIONS,

I HEARD HIM JUST TELL SOMEBODY, "HEY, HEY!

WHY DON'T YOU TRYMAKING FOUR BEATS A DAYFOR TWO SUMMERS?"

WHAT A DANGEROUSLY, SPECIFIC CHALLENGE THAT IS.

"FOUR BEATS A DAY FOR TWO SUMMERS!"

THAT DOESN'T SOUND ALL THAT DIFFICULT.

BOOM BOOM SH-BOOM BOOM.BOOM CHA BOOM BOOM.

BOOM CHA CHA CHA CHA BOOM BOOM.

WELL, THAT'S THREE, RIGHT THERE.

AND THAT'S JUST 10 SECONDSFROM A RANDOM TUESDAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL LEAVE YOU GUYS WITH THIS STORY.

I WAS WALKING AROUND IN CHINATOWN RECENTLY WITH MY ROOMMATE.

AND WE SAW ONE OF THOSE COPS THAT YOU SOMETIMES SEE,

LIKE, AFTER 9/11 THAT HAS, LIKE, A BIG ASSAULT RIFLE

AND LIKE A BIG GERMAN SHEPHERD WITH HIM.

AND MY FRIEND STARTED TAKING PICTURES OF THE DOG

'CAUSE IT LOOKEDKIND OF CRAZY.

AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERETHE COP GETS ALL PISSED.

HE'S, LIKE "HOW MANY PICTURESYOU NEED TO TAKE, SON?

WHAT DON'T YOUKEEP IT MOVING?"

AND I WAS, LIKE, "MAN, THAT'S PRETTY HARSH.

AND HE GOES, "HARSH? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HARSH IS."

AND I DIDN'TSAY ANYTHING AFTER THAT.

BUT HERE ARE A COUPLE SCENARIOS THAT I WISH

WOULD HAVE HAPPENED INSTEAD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO IN THE FIRST SCENARIO--

I JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE A LARGE BRICK IN MY HAND.

AND I NAIL THE GUY AGAINST THE HEAD.

AND THEN FOR WHATEVER REASON,

THERE ARE NO NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES FOR THAT ACTION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN THE SECOND SCENARIO WHEN HE GOES,

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HARSH IS," I GO,

"MAYBE YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT HARSH IS."

AND THEN I GRAB HIS DOGAND I SNAP ITS NECK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE IN THIS SCENARIO I'M REALLY STRONG.

AND THEN IN THE FINAL SCENARIO WHEN HE GOES,

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HARSH IS," I GO,

"WHY DON'T YOU TRYMAKING FOUR BEATS A DAYFOR TWO SUMMERS?"

THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.

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