The Book of David: The Cult Figure's Manifesto Starring David Alan Grier

  • Season 1, Ep 0101
  • 04/25/2003

Film and television star David Alan Grier holds court and addresses the issues that obsess and elude him.

BUT I TOLD YOU I'M FROMDETROIT. I AM.

I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THE SOUTH'CAUSE-- DETROIT IS GHETTO, MAN.

IT'S HARD.

IT'S HARD.

IT'S VERY HARD.

EVERY YEAR I GO HOME AND IALWAYS GO BACK TO MY OLD

NEIGHBORHOOD AND WALK AROUNDAND EVERYBODY'S STANDING ON

THE STREET CORNERS HOLDING THEIRNUTS.

EVERYBODY IN THE MIDDLE OF THEDAY.

THEY JUST--"WASSUP, MAN?"

(LAUGHTER)"MOTOR CITY ALL UP IN IT, YO."

AND THESE ARE THE WOMEN.

SO I'M SAYING THAT IS TOO HARD.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)THAT IS TOO HARD.

GOTTA BE THAT HARD.

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'M LIKE, "MOM, WHAT ARE YOUDOING?

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE NUTS.

WHAT IS THIS?"EVERYBODY'S FLEXING.

THEY ALL WANNA BE HARD.

OH, MAN.

GOING HOME IS ALWAYSFRIGHTENING, MAN.

I ATE MY LAST THANKSGIVINGDINNER--

I HAD MY THANKSGIVING DINNERAT MY FATHER'S HOUSE.

AND I JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW,DON'T FREESTYLE ON A HOLIDAY,

OKAY?

THAT'S NO TIME TO EXPERIMENT,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

DON'T CHANGE THE DIET,NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

THIS IS THE DAY OF THE YEARWHERE WE ALL WANT WHAT WE HAD

BEFORE, OKAY?

(LAUGHTER)SO I GO OVER TO POP'S HOUSE

AND HE SERVED TOFURKEY.

(LAUGHTER) TOFURKEY IS A TOFU TURKEY.

(CHEERING)'CAUSE YOU KNOW, HE DIDN'T WANNA

KILL THE LITTLE BIRDIES.

HE DIDN'T WANNA KILL 'EM.

SO HE SAID, "WE'RE GONNA ROLLA NEW STYLE."

WHAT COULD I DO?

IT'S HIS HOUSE.

I CAN'T-- YOU KNOW.

THEY BROUGHT THIS THING OUTTHE OVEN, IT LOOKED LIKE A LOAF

OF BREAD.

(LAUGHTER)DIDN'T HAVE NO WINGS ON IT,

DIDN'T HAVE NO DRUM STICKS.

HE ASKED ME TO CUT IT, HE GAVEME A BUTTER KNIFE.

WE WERE SPREADING IT ON TOASTLIKE PEANUT BUTTER!

MY GOD, I HAD TO DRINK A HALF AGALLON OF WATER, TRYING TO WASH

THIS MESS DOWN.

BY THE TIME I LEFT THE HOUSE,I LOOKED LIKE I WAS IN MY THIRD

TRIMESTER.

(LAUGHTER)MESSED UP MY WHOLE THANKSGIVING,

MAN.

TOFURKEY.

I DON'T LIKE MY FAMILY TOO MUCH.

I DON'T.

I LOVE 'EM, BUT YOU KNOW,SOMETIMES--

YOUR RELATIVES, THEY GET--THEY READ YOU.

THEY DON'T RESPECT YOU A LOTOF TIMES, YOU KNOW.

THEY DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.

THEY RAG ON ME, EVERY TIMEI COME HOME.

"HOLLYWOOD!

HOW YOU DOING, HOLLYWOOD?

HOLLYWOOD, HOLLYWOOD, HOLLYWOOD!

YO, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,BRO.

YOU KNOW MR. T.?

(LAUGHTER)YOU AIN'T NO HOLLYWOOD."

RELATIVES ARE FRIGHTENING, MAN.

ALL MY RELATIVES GOT OLD INONE DAY, TOO.

I CAME BACK THIS LAST YEAR.

EVERYBODY LOOKS THE SAME.

THEY'RE ALL FAT, BALD,WITH A MUSTACHE.

MEN, WOMEN, KIDS.

(LAUGHTER)I DON'T KNOW WHO I'M TALKING TO

HALF THE TIME.

"MOMMA?

(LAUGHTER)GRANDDAD?

I'M-- I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

YOUR NAMETAG FELL OFF.

I DON'T--"(LAUGHTER)

OH, MY GOSH.

EVERY TIME I GO HOME, YOU ALWAYSWIND UP AROUND MIDNIGHT, DRUNK

AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, DON'T YOU?

"YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME."

(CHEERS, WHISTLES, AND APPLAUSE)

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