Hicks, Young, Johansson, Bloom

  • Season 3, Ep 0301
  • 12/20/1999

THIS IS COOL--I'M MATCHING THE SET.

YOU SEE THIS?

I'M MATCHING THE RUG.

AIN'T THIS COOL?

WE'RE ALL THE SAME.

LOOK AROUND YOU.

WE'RE ALL THE SAME, AIN'T WE?

WATCH THIS TV.

TV WILL DRIVE YOUR ASS CRAZY--

THE PSYCHIC HOT LINES.

HOW MANYOF Y'ALL CALL THE HOT LINE?

BESIDES YOU.

HOW MANY OFY'ALL CALL THE...

IF THEY WERE REALLY PSYCHIC

WOULDN'T THEY BE CALLINGYOUR ASS AT HOME?

IF YOU'RE SO PSYCHIC, CALL ME.

I'LL GIVE YOU TWO DOLLARS.

HERE GO MY PHONE-- CALL ME.

PAGE ME.

I'M TELLING YOU NOW.

SHOOT.

IF I WAS A PSYCHIC, I'D MAKEA MILLION DOLLARS A MINUTE

'CAUSE I'D CALL YOUR ASS AT HOMERIGHT WHEN YOU NEED ME.

"I'LL TELL YOU YOUR FUTURE.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED."

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

"YOUR CHICKEN BURNING."

( laughter and applause )

I LOVE NEW YORK.

I-I'M MUCH MOREOF A NEW YORK PERSON

THAN A CALIFORNIA PERSON.

FIRST OF ALL,'CAUSE MY FAMILY LIVES

IN CALIFORNIA.

THAT'S WHY.

LAST WEEKEND

I WENT TO MY FAMILY REUNION,AND YOU PEOPLE KNOW

FAMILY REUNIONS IS THAT TIMEWHEN YOU COME FACE TO FACE

WITH YOUR FAMILY TREEAND REALIZE

SOME BRANCHES NEED TO BE CUT.

AND MY COUSIN

HE STARTS IT ALL OFFBY TELLING EVERYBODY HE'S GAY.

BLACK AND GAY?

I MEAN...I MEAN, BLACK AND GAY...

I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE GIVINGTHE KKK. A TWO-FOR-ONE COUPON.

AND MY GRANDFATHER

HE'S FROM THE OLD SCHOOL,FROM THE OLD DAYS, 82 YEARS OLD.

HE DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

HE, LIKE, "THAT BOY AIN'T GAY.

"HE JUST LAZY.

"BACK IN MY TIME,WE WORKED THREE, FOUR JOBS

"JUST TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE.

"NOBODY WAS GAY.

"YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARDOF SLAVES BEING GAY, HAVE YOU?

"THAT BOY GET A JOB

HE WON'T HAVE TIME TO BE MESSINGWITH THEM PENISES."

SEE?

WE WERE RAISED STRICT'CAUSE MY DAD IS

A PENTECOSTAL PREACHER.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW PENTECOSTAL,THAT'S A CONSERVATIVE RELIGION.

HELL, WE WERE JUST A LIGHT BULBAND A CAR AWAY FROM BEING AMISH.

THIS CLOSE.

THIS CLOSE.

THIS CLOSE TO AMISH.

THIS C...

( laughing )

NOW, THAT'S AN EXTREME RELIGION.

AMISH? OH, MY GOD.

IT'S AGAINST THEIR RELIGION,IT'S A SIN FOR THEM

TO RIDE IN A CAR.

THEN, I HEARD AN AMISH GUYGOT HIT AND KILLED BY A CAR.

ISN'T THAT IRONIC?

COME ON.

THAT WOULD BE

LIKE A JEWISH PERSONBEING ELECTROCUTED

BY SOME CHRISTMAS LIGHTS...

OR A CATHOLIC CHOKINGON A CONDOM-- JUST IRONIC.

THAT'S... THAT'S IRONIC.

THAT BLACK PEOPLEAREN'T PART OF.

YOU NEVER SEE BLACK MORMONS,NEVER.

I WAS IN UTAH,THE LA OF THE MORMONS.

I'M GOINGTO TELL YOU SOMETHING--

I DIDN'T SEE

NO BLACK PEOPLE THERE...

BUT THEY WERE REAL NICEAND FRIENDLY TO ME, YOU KNOW.

THEY TRIED.

THEY GO,"WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

"WE LIKE TO ROCK-CLIMB.

YOU WANT TO COME ROCK-CLIMBINGWITH US?"

I WAS, LIKE, "NO.

I'M BLACK."

BLACK PEOPLE ARENOT GOING

TO GRAVITATE TOWARDS A SPORT

WHERE YOU TIE A ROPEAROUND YOUR BODY

AND HANG FROM HIGH PLACES.

THEY BEEN TRYING THAT WITH USIN THE SOUTH.

WE DON'T LIKE IT.

WE DON'T WANTTO DO IT.

I WAS IN THE DEEP SOUTH RECENTLY

AND-AND I'M-I'M-I'M AFRAIDTHAT, UH, YOU KNOW

WE HAVEN'T MADE AS MANY GAINSAS WE NEED TO

BEING THE COUNTRY THAT WE ARE.

I WAS IN A SMALL TOWN.

WALK INTO A LITTLECORNER GROCERY STORE.

A SIGN WAS ON THE DOORTHAT ACTUALLY SAID

"NIGGER,WHEN THE SUN DON'T SHINE

I BETTER NOT SEEYOUR BLACK BEHIND."

OH, I WALKED UP IN THERE.

OH, THAT DIDN'T STOP ME.

I WENT, "UH-UH."

I WENT IN THERE

AND I SAID, "HEY, YOU SEETHAT SIGN OUT THERE?

"WELL, THE WORD 'NIGGER'IS SPELLED

WITH TWO Gs, YOU DUMB-ASS."

NO...

NO.

SEE, I DON'T RESPONDTO THAT WORD

'CAUSE IF YOU DO,YOU GIVE THE RACISTS THE POWER.

IN FACT, I'M TRYING TO COME UPWITH A WAY

TO MAKE THAT NEGATIVE WORD

SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T HURT USSO MUCH ANYMORE

AND I CAME UP WITH A SOLUTION.

ATTACH IT TO SOMETHING GOOD,SOMETHING EVERYBODY LIKES--

SNACK FOODS.

THAT'S RIGHT, SNACK FOODS.

COME ON, NOW,YOU KNOW YOU LIKE PRETZELS

YOU LIKE CHIPS,YOU LIKE POPCORN.

YOU'LL LIKE NIGGERS,I GUARANTEE YOU.

I GUARANTEE YOU.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE I'M-I'M GOINGTO HAVE SOME GOOD FLAVORS--

CHEESE NIGGERS...

SOUR CREAM AND ONION NIGGERS...

NACHO NIGGERS...

BUT... WE AIN'T HAVINGNO BARBECUE NIGGERS.

THAT JUST DON'T SOUND RIGHT,UH-UH.

I'M DRAWING THE LINE

RIGHT THERE,RIGHT THERE.

AND, SEE,THE NIGGERS WOULD BE SO GOOD

THAT THE ONLY TIME ANYBODY

WOULD EVER GET UPSET AGAINWHEN THEY HEARD THAT WORD IS

WHEN THEY WERE AT A PARTYAND THEY DIDN'T HAVE NONE.

"WHAT? NO NIGGERS?

"YOU CAN'T HAVE A PARTYWITHOUT NIGGERS.

"YOU GOT CRACKERS.

NOBODY LIKES CRACKERSAT A PARTY."

( cheering )

Audience:YEAH!

I, UH, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING,SICK-- OF ALL DAYS TO GET SICK--

AND I... AND IT'S FRIGHTENING

'CAUSE WE HAVE THESE MOSQUITOES

THAT ARE SPREADINGENCEPHALITIS AROUND, YOU KNOW.

I TOOK A WHOLE BOTTLEOF THIS FLU MEDICINE

BUT I TOOK THE DAYTIME VERSION,'CAUSE I HAD SOME STUFF TO DO.

YOU KNOW,THE NON-DROWSY FORMULA?

HOLY...

I WASN'T TIRED,BUT I SPENT THE DAY

STARING AT MY REFLECTIONIN THE TOASTER.

APPARENTLY, WHAT KEEPS YOU UP ISTHE LSD IN THAT.

SNIFFLING, SNEEZING, TRADE-YOUR-HEAD-FOR-YOUR-ASS MEDICINE.

I'M PARANOIDABOUT THESE MOSQUITOES.

I GOT A LOT OF PARANOIAIN MY LIFE.

I JUST GOT A-A CALLER-I.D. BOXFOR THE FIRST TIME.

YOU GUYS HAVE ONE?

AND, NOW, I'M ADDICTED TO IT.

I CAN'T ANSWER THE PHONEWITHOUT KNOWING WHO IT IS...

LIKE I'M A SECRET AGENTOR SOMETHING.

THE PHONE RINGS.

"DON'T ANSWER IT!

"'NAME UNKNOWN'?

"GET DOWN!

"GET DOWN.

"GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW.

"THE MOSQUITOES ARE CALLING...

TO FIND OUT IF WE'RE HOME."

WE JUST PASSED A YEAR TOGETHER

AND SHE'S TESTINGMY COMMITMENT NOW

WITH THESE QUESTIONSTHAT SHE LEARNED

IN COSMOPOLITAN...

AND THEY'RE TRICK QUESTIONS.

YOU CAN'T ANSWER THEM.

"IF I WAS HORRIBLY DISFIGUREDIN AN ACCIDENT...

WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME?"

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO...JUST SAY, "YES, OF COURSE"

AND HOPE THAT IT NEVER HAPPENS,RIGHT?

IF YOU TRYTO DISSECT THE QUESTION

YOU'LL ONLY BE REVEALED

FOR THE SICK PERSONTHAT YOU REALLY ARE.

"WHEN YOU SAY, 'DISFIGURED,'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LIKE... W...WILL YOUR BREASTS BE OKAY?"

ACTUALLY,I JUST FIGURED OUT

WHAT LOVE IS.

I HAVE A LITTLE NEPHEW--HE'S TWO AND A HALF--

AND HE JUST LEARNED TO SAYTHOSE THREE WORDS, "I LOVE YOU"

AND HE'S SAYING ITTO EVERYBODY NOW.

MY SISTER WAS, LIKE

"HE DOESN'T UNDERSTANDWHAT IT MEANS.

HE'S SAYING IT BECAUSE HE THINKSHE CAN GET SOMETHING."

I SAID,"OH, I THINK HE UNDERSTANDS

EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS."

HE IS A GENIUS.

TWO AND A HALF,MY DAD'S TELLING HIM THE STORY

OF ADAM AND EVE ALREADY.

THAT'S HISBIRDS-AND-THE-BEES WARM-UP.

I BOUGHT THAT, TOO,WHEN I WAS A KID

BUT YOU GROW UP, IT HASSOME HOLES IN IT, DOESN'T IT?

ADAM WAS CREATED FIRST.

THAT MEANS THERE WASA WHOLE PERIOD OF TIME

WHEN HE'S JUST HANGING OUTBY HIMSELF.

THERE'S NO EVE YET.

NOW, DID HE HAVE A PENISAT THAT TIME?

WHY WOULD HE?

I THINK IT CAME WITH EVE,LIKE AN ACCESSORY PACK.

"ADAM, I MADE YOU THIS WOMAN

BUT YOU'LL NEED THIS ADAPTER."

I'M MORE A FAN OF DARWIN...

JUST BECAUSE OF MY DAD--NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT HE TOLD ME

BUT BECAUSE I GREW UPWITH A HAIRY DAD.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ONE OF THOSE?

A CHIA DAD--THAT'S WHAT I HAD.

WE GO TO THE POOL OR THE BEACH,HE'D TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF...

OUR SUMMER FAMILY PICTURESLOOK LIKE EVOLUTIONARY CHARTS.

"YOU GUYS, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEETMY DAD, HOMO ERECTUS.

HE'S THE GUYWITH THE SLOPING FOREHEAD."

WOW. IT'S NOT WHATYOU THINK IT IS.

AND LET ME EXPLAIN.

IT'S NOT WEIRDTO SEE NAKED PEOPLE.

WE SEE NUDITY ALL THE TIME,YOU KNOW?

CABLE AND R-RATED MOVIES

BUT THOSE PEOPLE IN THE MOVIESHAVE BEEN PRE-APPROVED

TO BE NAKED.

THEY WENT THROUGH

A CASTING DIRECTOR OR SOMEBODY,YOU KNOW?

EVERYBODY GETSONTO THE NUDE BEACH...

IT'S NOT THE PLAYBOY CHANNELDOWN THERE.

IT'S, IT'S MORE LIKETHE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

I'M NOT SURE WHO MADETHE HUMAN BODY

ESPECIALLY AFTER I SAWTHE NUDISTS INVOLVED

IN SPORTING ACTIVITIES.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE CONFUSING

THAN WATCHINGA NAKED MAN RUNNING.

SOME THINGS ARE NOT SO GOODAT HIGH SPEED.

THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T BELIEVE ITWHEN I FOUND OUT

THE FIRST OLYMPICSIN ANCIENT GREECE WERE PERFORMED

COMPLETELY IN THE NUDE

FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

WHY DON'T THEY BRING THIS BACKTO THE OLYMPICS?

IT'D BOOST THEIR RATINGS.

WHO WOULDN'T TUNE IN TO SEETHE NUDE LUGE?

PUT A NEW TWIST ON THE MEN'SHURDLES, TOO, WOULDN'T IT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

SUDDENLY THE WHITE GUYSARE WINNING A FEW MORE RACES.

I LOVE COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE,YOU KNOW?

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE IT'S GOTA LOT OF SEXY TIPS IN IT, HUH?

A LOT OF SEXY TIPS THERE.

I WAS READING A COUPLE OF WEEKSAGO IN COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE.

IT SAID THE BEST SEX, ACCORDINGTO COSMO, IS SPONTANEOUS SEX.

YOU EVER HEAR OF THAT?WHOO, HUH?

THAT SOUNDS GOOD,DOESN'T IT? YEAH.

SO HERE'S WHAT I DIDA COUPLE OF DAYS LATER.

I WAS DOING THE DISHES, RIGHT?

AND I JUST SURPRISED MYSELFAND MASTURBATED.

WHOO!

COMPLETELY OFF GUARD.

JUST DOING THE DISHES...

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

SO, WOW.

MY GRANDMA SMOKES A LOT OF POT.

YEAH. YOURS, TOO?

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

I HAD NO IDEA, NONE.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED

THAT CROCHETING AND ROLLINGA JOINT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME

FROM 50 FEET AWAY?

"OH, HELLO, PETER, WHAT AREYOU DOING TODAY?"

"OH, NOTHING. JUST WORKINGON THE GLAUCOMA."

WELL, WHY IS IT ILLEGAL?I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

DOESN'T GET MY GRANDMAIN TROUBLE.

WHAT'S THE WORST THINGTHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SMOKE POT?

YOU GO SHOPPING, HUH?

YOU EVER DO THAT, SHOPPING?

"THAT'S GREAT SHOPPING,THOUGH, HUH."

2:00 IN THE MORNING,FOUR HOURS IN A TEXACO.

YOU'LL BE WALKING HOMEFROM THE GAS STATION

SIX BAGS OF GROCERIES...

GET ABOUT HALFWAY HOMEAND REALIZE YOU DROVE THERE.

I'VE BEEN DOING COMEDY NOWFOR SEVERAL WEEKS.

NOWADAYS, I MAKE UPWARDSOF $10,000 A YEAR.

MAKING THAT KIND OF SCRATCH

I GET TO VISIT NEW YORKNOW AND THEN.

I WAS ACTUALLY WALKING AROUNDTHE OTHER DAY IN NEW YORK.

I RAN INTO ONE OF THEM FELLASIN THIS TOWN.

OOH, ONE OF THEM FELLAS.

YOU EVER RUNINTO ONE OF THEM FELLAS?

THE FELLAS THAT DRESSLIKE LADIES?

YOU EVER RUN INTO ONE OF THEM?WHAT ARE THEY, TRANSVEST-EETS?

IS THAT IT, YEAH?

I RAN INTO THIS ONE GUYTHE OTHER DAY

A TRANSVEST-EET, RIGHT?

AND HE STARTS TELLING METHIS STORY, YOU KNOW?

HE'S BITCHING AND MOANING

THAT HE CAN'T BEA NFL CHEERLEADER, RIGHT?

YEAH, 'CAUSE EVERY TIMEHE DOES A HIGH KICK

HIS PENIS WOULD SHOW, RIGHT?YEAH, I KNOW.

AND IT WAS INTERESTING, BUT ITGOT ON TO LIKE FIVE, TEN MINUTES

AND FINALLY I JUST HAD TOINTERRUPT HIM AND GO

"HEY, LISTEN, BUDDY, YOU KNOW,I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO TALK."

( audience groans )

THAT'S MY FAVORITE RESPONSESO FAR.

"OH..."

YEAH.

SO I HAD TO COME DOWNINTO THE U.S. FROM CANADA.

I ALWAYS GET FREAKED OUTCOMING TO YOUR COUNTRY

'CAUSE YOUR CUSTOMS OFFICERS,MAN, OH, THEY GOT A LOT POWER

THOSE GUYS, OOH.

WAY TOO MUCH POWER FOR ANYFEDERAL EMPLOYEE, YOU KNOW?

FOR EXAMPLE, THEY'RETHE ONLY FEDERAL EMPLOYEE

THAT I CAN THINK OFTHAT CAN AT ANY POINT

JUST FLIP YOU OVER AND LOOKIN YOUR BUTT RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S TOO MUCH POWER

AND I DON'T REMEMBER VOTINGFOR THAT. DO YOU?

SHOULD GO TO A BALLOT, BIGCAMPAIGN, "LOOK IN OUR BUTTS"

"NO!"

BUT WHAT BOTHERS ME

ABOUT THAT ISN'T THE FACTTHAT THEY LOOK IN OUR BUTTS.

IT'S MORE THE FACT THEY HAVE TOTHAT BOTHERS ME

BECAUSE THAT MEANSTHERE'S PEOPLE OUT THERE

ACTUALLY BRINGING GOODS INTOTHE COUNTRY VIA THEIR BUTTS.

NOW HERE'S WHAT GETS THE WHEELSA-TURNING IN MY HEAD, OKAY?

WHEN CUSTOMS FINDS SOMETHINGIN YOUR BUTT...

HOW DO YOU ACT SURPRISED?

"REALLY?

OH, NO, THAT'S NOT MINE."

AND WHAT I WANT TO SHOW YOU IS

THAT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE ASLONG AS YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

NOW, I'M GETTINGSOME VERY GOOD ENERGY

IN THIS SIDE OF THE ROOMRIGHT HERE.

COULD SOMEONE HELP ME?

THIS GENTLEMAN RIGHT HERE.

CAN I ASK YOUTO STAND FOR A MOMENT?

CAN WE GET HIMA MICROPHONE THERE?

HAVE YOU EVER HAD APSYCHIC READING BEFORE?

NO, I HAVEN'T.

OKAY, THISWILL BE FUN.

JUST RELAX.

OUT LOUD SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR

JUST GIVE ME YOUR FIRST NAMETHREE TIMES.

JEFF, JEFF, JEFF.

JEFFREY.

IS IT JEFFREY?

NO, IT IS JEFFERY, RIGHT?

YES, THAT'S CORRECT.

JEFFREY, FIRST THINGI'M GETTING FROM YOU IS

YOU ARE SINGLE, ARE YOU NOT?

NO, I'M NOT.

OKAY, WHEN I SAY SINGLE...

YOU ARE AN INDIVIDUAL?

YES.

THIS IS VERY INTERESTING.

I'M STARTING TO SEE A WIFE.YES.

I'M GETTING A NAME;I DON'T GET NAMES THIS QUICKLY

BUT WE DO HAVE THISSORT OF CONNECTION.

HELP ME OUT HERE--JUST GIVE ME THE FIRST

FOUR LETTERSOF YOUR WIFE'S NAME.

JUST THE FIRST FOUR.

M-A-R-Y.

I'M GETTING THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

I'M JUST GOING TO GO RIGHTOFF THE LIMB HERE-- "MARY."

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE I'M A FREAKIN' PSYCHIC,THAT'S WHY.

LET ME TRY SOMEONE ELSE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JEFFREY.

HOW ABOUT THIS YOUNG LADYRIGHT OVER HERE?

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?

THIS YOUNG LADY--THE ONE WITH THE WHITE.

FIRST OF ALL, I'M GOINGTO TAKE A WILD GUESS.

YOUR FIRST NAME IS, UM, LESLIE?

YES.

WHAT?

YES.

REALLY?

IT IS.

I AM A FREAKIN' PSYCHIC.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, COOL, COOL.

NOW, LESLIE, I'M GOINGTO TELL YOU A FEW THINGS

ABOUT YOURSELF.

IF I GET TOO PERSONAL,TELL ME TO STOP.

YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER

YOURGREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER

ON YOUR FATHER'S SIDE ISNO LONGER WITH US.

ALSO CORRECT.

YOU OKAY?

YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER, DID YOU?

NO, I DID NOT.

YOU HAVE HIS EYES, SWEETIE.

YOU'RE A SPITTING IMAGEOF YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER.

YOU ARE.

JEFFREY, YOU LOOK AT MELIKE THIS IS EASY.

THIS IS NOT THAT EASY, OKAY?

I'M THINKING OF A NUMBERBETWEEN ONE AND INFINITY.

WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING?

SEVEN.

NOT EVEN CLOSE.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.YOU HAVE A GIFT.

WHAT NUMBER WAS I THINKING?

SIXTY-NINE.

DEAD ON.

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