Hicks, Young, Johansson, Bloom

  • Season 3, Ep 0301
  • 12/21/1999

Rene Hicks shares stories about her old-school grandfather, and Tim Young finally figures out love, and Tommy Davidson questions the logic behind a psychic hotline.

THIS IS COOL--I'M MATCHING THE SET.

YOU SEE THIS?

I'M MATCHING THE RUG.

AIN'T THIS COOL?

WE'RE ALL THE SAME.

LOOK AROUND YOU.

WE'RE ALL THE SAME, AIN'T WE?

WATCH THIS TV.

TV WILL DRIVE YOUR ASS CRAZY--

THE PSYCHIC HOT LINES.

HOW MANYOF Y'ALL CALL THE HOT LINE?

BESIDES YOU.

HOW MANY OFY'ALL CALL THE...

IF THEY WERE REALLY PSYCHIC

WOULDN'T THEY BE CALLINGYOUR ASS AT HOME?

IF YOU'RE SO PSYCHIC, CALL ME.

I'LL GIVE YOU TWO DOLLARS.

HERE GO MY PHONE-- CALL ME.

PAGE ME.

I'M TELLING YOU NOW.

SHOOT.

IF I WAS A PSYCHIC, I'D MAKEA MILLION DOLLARS A MINUTE

'CAUSE I'D CALL YOUR ASS AT HOMERIGHT WHEN YOU NEED ME.

"I'LL TELL YOU YOUR FUTURE.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED."

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

"YOUR CHICKEN BURNING."

( laughter and applause )

I LOVE COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE,YOU KNOW?

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE IT'S GOTA LOT OF SEXY TIPS IN IT, HUH?

A LOT OF SEXY TIPS THERE.

I WAS READING A COUPLE OF WEEKSAGO IN COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE.

IT SAID THE BEST SEX, ACCORDINGTO COSMO, IS SPONTANEOUS SEX.

YOU EVER HEAR OF THAT?WHOO, HUH?

THAT SOUNDS GOOD,DOESN'T IT? YEAH.

SO HERE'S WHAT I DIDA COUPLE OF DAYS LATER.

I WAS DOING THE DISHES, RIGHT?

AND I JUST SURPRISED MYSELFAND MASTURBATED.

WHOO!

COMPLETELY OFF GUARD.

JUST DOING THE DISHES...

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

SO, WOW.

MY GRANDMA SMOKES A LOT OF POT.

YEAH. YOURS, TOO?

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

I HAD NO IDEA, NONE.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED

THAT CROCHETING AND ROLLINGA JOINT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME

FROM 50 FEET AWAY?

"OH, HELLO, PETER, WHAT AREYOU DOING TODAY?"

"OH, NOTHING. JUST WORKINGON THE GLAUCOMA."

WELL, WHY IS IT ILLEGAL?I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

DOESN'T GET MY GRANDMAIN TROUBLE.

WHAT'S THE WORST THINGTHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SMOKE POT?

YOU GO SHOPPING, HUH?

YOU EVER DO THAT, SHOPPING?

"THAT'S GREAT SHOPPING,THOUGH, HUH."

2:00 IN THE MORNING,FOUR HOURS IN A TEXACO.

YOU'LL BE WALKING HOMEFROM THE GAS STATION

SIX BAGS OF GROCERIES...

GET ABOUT HALFWAY HOMEAND REALIZE YOU DROVE THERE.

I'VE BEEN DOING COMEDY NOWFOR SEVERAL WEEKS.

NOWADAYS, I MAKE UPWARDSOF $10,000 A YEAR.

MAKING THAT KIND OF SCRATCH

I GET TO VISIT NEW YORKNOW AND THEN.

I WAS ACTUALLY WALKING AROUNDTHE OTHER DAY IN NEW YORK.

I RAN INTO ONE OF THEM FELLASIN THIS TOWN.

OOH, ONE OF THEM FELLAS.

YOU EVER RUNINTO ONE OF THEM FELLAS?

THE FELLAS THAT DRESSLIKE LADIES?

YOU EVER RUN INTO ONE OF THEM?WHAT ARE THEY, TRANSVEST-EETS?

IS THAT IT, YEAH?

I RAN INTO THIS ONE GUYTHE OTHER DAY

A TRANSVEST-EET, RIGHT?

AND HE STARTS TELLING METHIS STORY, YOU KNOW?

HE'S BITCHING AND MOANING

THAT HE CAN'T BEA NFL CHEERLEADER, RIGHT?

YEAH, 'CAUSE EVERY TIMEHE DOES A HIGH KICK

HIS PENIS WOULD SHOW, RIGHT?YEAH, I KNOW.

AND IT WAS INTERESTING, BUT ITGOT ON TO LIKE FIVE, TEN MINUTES

AND FINALLY I JUST HAD TOINTERRUPT HIM AND GO

"HEY, LISTEN, BUDDY, YOU KNOW,I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO TALK."

( audience groans )

THAT'S MY FAVORITE RESPONSESO FAR.

"OH..."

YEAH.

SO I HAD TO COME DOWNINTO THE U.S. FROM CANADA.

I ALWAYS GET FREAKED OUTCOMING TO YOUR COUNTRY

'CAUSE YOUR CUSTOMS OFFICERS,MAN, OH, THEY GOT A LOT POWER

THOSE GUYS, OOH.

WAY TOO MUCH POWER FOR ANYFEDERAL EMPLOYEE, YOU KNOW?

FOR EXAMPLE, THEY'RETHE ONLY FEDERAL EMPLOYEE

THAT I CAN THINK OFTHAT CAN AT ANY POINT

JUST FLIP YOU OVER AND LOOKIN YOUR BUTT RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S TOO MUCH POWER

AND I DON'T REMEMBER VOTINGFOR THAT. DO YOU?

SHOULD GO TO A BALLOT, BIGCAMPAIGN, "LOOK IN OUR BUTTS"

"NO!"

BUT WHAT BOTHERS ME

ABOUT THAT ISN'T THE FACTTHAT THEY LOOK IN OUR BUTTS.

IT'S MORE THE FACT THEY HAVE TOTHAT BOTHERS ME

BECAUSE THAT MEANSTHERE'S PEOPLE OUT THERE

ACTUALLY BRINGING GOODS INTOTHE COUNTRY VIA THEIR BUTTS.

NOW HERE'S WHAT GETS THE WHEELSA-TURNING IN MY HEAD, OKAY?

WHEN CUSTOMS FINDS SOMETHINGIN YOUR BUTT...

HOW DO YOU ACT SURPRISED?

"REALLY?

OH, NO, THAT'S NOT MINE."