Lee, Shlesinger, Ybarra, Keane, Friesen, Cobb, D'Elia

  • Season 4, Ep 0402
  • 10/24/2009

Bobby Lee talks about getting mistaken for other people, and Iliza Shlesinger shares bad advice for getting away from a shark.

I masturbate a lot.

Yeah.

And I'm getting lazy.

When I finish,I don't clean up with a towel.

I'll let it dry and flake away.

(laughter and groaning)

Reminds me of Christmas.

(laughter)

I like this side of the room.Nothing? Really?

Come on, black people.We get along.

I saw Rush Hour.

(laughterand scattered applause)

Yeah, clap.

(applause)

It's all right.

(applause)

People can be racist.They don't mean to be.

I had a photo shoot.

Magazine.

Photographer was white.

He kept saying, "Bobby,

can we get more expressionin your eyes?"

I'm, like, "What the hell?!"

(laughter)

"There's only two things I do--open and close.

"This is happy, sad, angry,all that stuff.

Take the picturebefore I close them."

(laughter)

Thank you very much.

(laughter)

My dad's Korean.

Korean dads are the worst.

They're so honest.

There's no filter.

Whatever pops in their brain,they say.

It's, like, "Good morning, Dad."

"You look ugly today.

"You don't look good.

"Are you dying?

You look like crap!"

I would bring girls overin high school.

He would tell them storiesabout me, secrets.

Like dark stuff.

"Hey, Dad, this is Stephanie."

"When Bobby was a little kid,

"he ate a dog poopin the front lawn.

"I said, 'Don't eat that.'

He said,'I only had one piece.'"

(laughter)

"Have fun on your date!"

"Thanks, you (bleep)."

He still does it today.

"Hey, Dad, this is Cindy."

"When we lived in Minnesota,

"Bobby was molestedby a retarded guy.

"I thought, how'd he getmolested by a retard?

"I don't know.

"Maybe Bobby's retarded, too.

He has a big head for his body,you know."

He grew upduring the Korean War, yeah.

I grew up in San Diego.

So he beats mein every argument.

When I was a little kid,I'd come home, be, like,

"Dad, my friend Billy--he just fell off his skateboard.

"He broke his ankle.

Now he can't skateboardanymore."

My dad would be, like,"Oh, yeah?

"Ooh!

"Big deal!

"My friend Han Lee,

"during the Korean War--

"his head blew up!

Now he can't comb his hair."

(laughter)

We didn't have a Christmas treegrowing up.

When I was 12 years old,I asked my dad

for a Christmas tree.

This is what my dad said.

"Bobby, look outside."

I'm, like, "All right."

"What do you see?"

"A bunch of trees."

"Merry Christmas!"

(laughter)

Thank you.

My dad's been here for 40 years.

He knows six words in English.

I got sober six years ago.

Please clap. Please.You can clap for that.

You clap for that.(applause and cheering)

I'm not afraid!

My turn. Stop!

My dad triedto help me get sober, man.

I didn't knowwhat he was talking about.

He goes,"You have to stop drinking."

I go, "What do I do, Dad?"

He goes, "Aah."

That's all he said.

I'm, like,"What did you say, Dad?"

"Aah."

"See, I don't knowwhat you mean."

"You know, they have group,they have meeting."

"You're trying to say A.A.?"

He goes, "Yeah, aah."

(laughter)

"Dad, if your car breaks down,who do you call?"

He goes, "Aaaah."

Thank you very much, everybody.

It's what I do.

And I know, okay,

fingers crossed, that one nightI'm going to go out sober,

and I'm going to seethat one girl that's drunk

and picking fightswith her boyfriend,

and she's going to happento be dating that one guy

that has no problem with hittingan annoying girl in the face.

All right. I fantasizeabout seeing this.

She's going to be likefive-two, right.

Just scrappy.

Just in his face for no--

"I'm an independent woman.What?

"You want to hit. I'm not afraidof you, do it.

"Do it. Do it.I'm not afraid of you.

"Do it. You want to hit me?Do it. Hit...

Oh, my God."

(laughter)

(applause, cheering)

"Why did you hit me?"

There's a lot of reasonsnot to go out drinking

and-and getting all crazy.

You know what? It's noteven so much drinking.

It's drinking in excess

that will land you in a heapof trouble, okay?

Drinking is one thing.

When you drink too much--

when you've like five or sixtoo many gin and tonics,

that's when you gotabout a 30% success rate

in terms of your eveningnot ending up

with crying, eating,mouth-kissing, texting,

or a combination of the four.

Okay?

'Cause here's what inevitablywill happen.

You will do something stupid.

And by the way, for girls,

we have a hairpin triggerkind of crazy.

Our night can be going fine.

The littlest thing happensand all the sudden,

"I'm so mad,I don't even know why.

I'm just pissed. (bleep)!"

Right? It can be yourex-boyfriend text you,

a sad song comes on the radio,

(bleep) wind blowsthe wrong direction.

Then it's over.

And what happens is,you do something crazy

and then your friends arethe only ones sober enough

to regale others withthe tale of the stupid

crap you did the night before.

And it's alwaysthe same template.

It's always, "Did you hear aboutwhat happened last night?

"Oh, my God, we were drinking,hanging out, having fun,

"then something happened.

Night went downhill."

It's never, "Oh, my God,we were drinking,

"hanging out, having fun,something happened.

"Wow, that night got awesome.

We all went to go seeBeyoncé for free."

(laughter)No, it's...

"We were drinking,hanging out, having fun,

"Mike asked if he could changethe radio station in the car...

(laughter, applause)

"...that's when Iliza starteddrunkenly text messaging

"all of her guy friends.

"When none of them wantedto make out with her,

"she got drunk in line atMcDonald's drive-through,

"took that burger home, ate itwhile crying and masturbating,

"watching rerunsof Will & Grace.

Something happened."

Something happened.

(applause)

Another reasonthat I don't drink

is because I like to dosomething in particular

when I'm drunk.

Like every

red-blooded American girlin here.

When I get drunk,

I like to dance.

We all like to dance. Right?

(women cheering)Yeah.

"Yeah."

Doesn't matterthat you are drunk,

and you look likeyou're having a mild stroke.

'Cause in your mind, you've gotfive backup dancers behind you.

(laughter, cheering)

We're all doingthe choreography.

Have you seen that Beyoncévideo, the black-and-white one?

It's her and three other girls,and they're in leotards.

And it's a very cute...

(humming)

If you haven't seen itdon't download it.

(laughter)Just watch me.

She and I are often confusedfor one another.

It's a very cute video, right?

I don't what this is--like, the Lindy Hop.

I don't know what bunny rabbitmove this is.

Super G-rated.

Halfway through the video,

she busts out--

I don't what dayshift hookergave her this move.

She busts out the most sexuallyinappropriate move.

She's doing this and all of asudden, she just does this...

(laughter)

I thought that was so cute,Beyoncé,

until you decided to drillfor oil with your cervix.

What is that?!

Thanks to her,girls are copying it.

Thanks to her, every drunk girlin a club is doing this move.

When she does it, it's okay.

It's Beyoncé. It's sexy.It's Hollywood.

I do it, it looks like

some kind of aggressivelesbian mating call.

(laughter, applause)

No one wants to put a ringon that.

and I spent a lot of time

in my hotel room watching TV.

I get very investedin my programs,

and this year, I got really intothe Discovery Channel.

Specifically Shark Week.

Anybody here watch Shark Week?

(cheering)Yes!

I love that show.

They're, like, "Welcome

"to the 20th anniversaryof Shark Week."

"Today we're goingto be telling you

the best wayto fight off a shark."

"I'm sorry.

"You've been doing this showfor 20 years?

You are just today?" Right?

"That should have beennumber one on your agenda.

"Episode one, day oneof Shark Week--

how to get awayfrom a (bleep) shark."

They wanted to know...

The best wayto fight off a shark was

to punch him in the shark face.

All right, folks,

I'm not a scientist,like, per se.

(laughter)

But I'm pretty sure any timeyou punch under water...

(laughter)

(laughter)

This is your last lineof defense against a shark

with, like... a 3,000-pound neckwith teeth.

You're pretty much screwed.

You're just messingwith the shark at that point,

and that's whatthey should call the show--

Messing With Sharks Week.

These are not legitimateexperiments, all right?

These scientists are stoned,drunk, I don't know.

The director walks up.He's, like, "Wake up.

We have a show to do."

The scientist is, like,"Oh, crap, a show.

"Okay, uh... experiments, okay.

"Today on Shark Week,we're gonna take a mannequin,

"wrap it in bacon...

(laughter)

"...throw it in water,see what the shark does,

"and then, regardless,

"think we can agree, we're gonnapunch him in the shark nose.

Yeah? Good? All right."

Here's the thing.

Shark's coming toward me,I'm going away from it.

End of story.And that's a shame,

because you don't give himthe benefit of the doubt.

You don't know what he wants.

He could want a hug.You don't know.

(laughter)

He could need shark directions.

You don't know what he wants.

They're not good at conveyingtheir emotions facially.

A shark is very limited in theirrange of facial expression.

A shark pretty much has oneexpression his whole life,

and this is it.

(laughter, scattered applause)

Kind of looks likeMichael Phelps--

beady eyes, jagged teeth,

amazing swimmer.

(laughter, scattered applause)

MadTV, yeah.People recognize me.

Yeah. People recognize me.

(cheering)

But everybody thinksI'm somebody else.

I always get, "Hey, man, Heroes, right?"

"Heroes. What the...?"

(laughter)

"Hey, dude, Grey's Anatomy."

"That's a chick. What?"

(laughter)

"Hey, dude, Virginia Tech."

"That guy killed himself."

(laughter)

I don't feel well, man.

I had Thai food the other day.

I hate Thai food.

When did fire become a flavor?

(laughter)

Demons eat Thai food and go...

(growling)

Where do Thai people come from,the sun?

I'm at a Thai restaurant.

There are no Thai customers.

It's, like, white peopleand black people.

Where are the Thai people?

The Thais are probablyin the back

eating pizzasand Big Macs, going,

"I can't believethey eat that stuff."

(laughter)

"Oh, my God, his head explode!

Joke on you, white people!"

It's good to be here.

My last girlfriend was white.

Yeah, yeah.

When you're Asian datinga white girl-- it's weird.

The first six months,it's great.

After six months,the girl's become a racist,

'cause they feel comfortable.

In the beginning, it was, like,

"Bobby, I don't carewhat you are.

"I can't even tell you're Asian.

I went to Berkeley."

And, like, six months later,"How's my little panda?"

What the hell?!

(laughter)

I walk in the house,she's, like, "Hi-ya!"

I'm, like, "What are you doing?

My mom's here. No hi-ya."

"No hi-ya?"

I can't cuddle anymore.

Cuddling is boring, ladies.

No guy in this roomlikes cuddling.

We only do it'cause it's a gateway to the

pee-pee poo-pa-pa.

(laughter)

This is every guy's facewhen they're cuddling.

(laughter)

The girls are thinking,"I feel safe."

I'm thinking,"I can't feel my arm!

"Her hair's in my mouth.

"I don't want to move,'cause I want her to fall asleep

so I can play video games."

(laughter)

"Sleep!"

Women will not let you sleep.

They'll wake you upfor no reason.

I was with my girlfriend.

It's 4:00 in the morning.I'm asleep.

She's, like, "Bobby?"

I'm, like, "What?"

She goes, "I love you."

"That's whatyou woke me up for?

You mean, I'm not on fire?"

(laughter)

"Is Al Qaeda in the bathroom?"

(laughter)

The next night, I got her back.

She fell asleep.

I'm, like, "Sweetie?"

"Sweetie?" You know?

She's, like, "What?"

I go, "I love you."She goes, "I love you, too."

I'm, like, "What the hell?!"

Now I have to cuddlefor three hours.

I was, like,"Oh, my God, it backfired!

"Sleep!

I want to watch porn."

(laughter)

(cheering)Awesome.

This is a cool place.

I-I-I had a hooker come up to mefor the first time up here.

She was, like, "For $500I'll spend the night with you."

Like, "$500? That's an Xbox,lady, okay?"

(laughter)You know how much stuff costs?

I'm not going to get Chlamydia

from playing LEGO Star Wars,okay.

I've been playing online lately.

I love playing Xbox online,

but they got these kids on itthat talk mean crap.

I had some kid call me a fat assthe other day.

Like, he can't even see me,dude.

(laughter)Like...

I'm, like, how doesthis kid know I'm fat?

Am I breathing heavy?

Is my character running slow?

Like, how do you know, kid?

Scientist are sayingobesity's a virus.

That's dumb, okay.

AIDS is a virus, all right.

Like, I'm never going to haveto call my ex-girlfriend.

Like, "Julie, listen.

(laughter, applause)

"I went to the doctor today

"and I'm fat, all right.

"Like, I don't knowif you're fat,

but you might want to getyourself checked out, okay."

(scattered applause)

(cheering, applause)It's like--

it's not gonna be cool.

I'm going to...

(laughs)I'm going to...

Now, I'm going to haveall these ex-girlfriends

come out of the woodwork."Like, Dustin, you made me fat."

"Like, bitch, you were fatwhen I met you, okay.

Our first date wasat Krispy Kreme, remember?"

I used to smoke weed, man.

I quit, though, you know,'cause...

(man booing)

Boo your piehole.

What a dick.

My dealer over there...

I-I used to smoke weed. I quit.

But, like, everything in lifereminds me of smoking weed.

The other day,I sealed an envelope.

I was like...

(laughter, applause)

Yes.

Would've been awesome, man.

This is a big political year.

I can't do political humor.

I failed my government class.

My teacher is like, "Dustin, whofounded the League of Nations?"

I'm like, "Duh, Batman,Superman, Aquaman.

Those two twinswith the Blow Pop rings."

So glad I don't goto school now, man.

Bullies are so mean.

And now they kick your assand put it on YouTube.

(laughter, applause)

You go home,your mom already knows

you got your ass kicked.

It's like, "Mom..."

"I know, sweetie, "Fat kidcries" got 42,000 hits.

(laughter, applause)

Yeah.

"Your ass whomping went viral.

Congratulations."

We got any militaryin the house tonight?

Military? Yeah.(man howls)

I play a lot of Halo.Hell, yeah, too.

We're in the same boat.

I love.

I get freaked outabout getting drafted, man.

'Cause all-- they're, like,Iran and North Korea.

If I get drafted, like, you guysare screwed, all right.

I look like I was madeat Build-A-Bear.

No one's going to run from me.

Like, I'm not intim...

Like, "Run!Kung Fu Panda's attacking!

"What do we do?

"Hurry!Nacho Libre's going to eat us.

Somebody, do something."

I'm not built to fight, man.

I saw that movie, 300--I would be

the only soldierwith a shirt on.

I... I would show upfor battle--

like, "Yeah, let's go!

Have you guys been working outthis whole time or something?"

(sighs)

Like, uh, my mom--

she hated violencewhen I was a kid, too, man.

She wouldn't even let mehave water guns.

All my buddies, they hadthese badass Super Soakers.

I had a Windex bottle.

My buddies are like,"Hey, Dustin,

my Super Soakerhas a scope attached to it."

I'm like, "Yeah, minecuts through grease, bitch.

You want stream or spray?"

(imitates spraying)

I don't know how to fight, man.

I learned how to fightfrom video games.

Like Street Fighter,

Mortal Kombat-- those games.

First fight I got into whenI was a kid, I punched a guy,

I was like...(exaggerated punching sound)

Like, I actually madethat sound effect.

I was like...(exaggerated punching sounds)

Ayuga! Ayuga! Ayuga!

Ayuga! Get over here!

My first move wasn't working.

I went to the corner ofthe room, started low kicking.

Like...

"Come on! Come on!

Walk into it, bitch. Come on!"

You know whatthe scariest people

on the planet are, hands down?

Hands down, Germans.

It's true, right, are thereany Germans in here or... ?

Okay, let's talk about themfor a little bit.

Just don't tell them I saidthis, you know what I mean?

I feel like even the mosthardcore gangster of all time,

even the gangster would end uplike getting scared, right?

Like the gangsterwould roll up, just be like,

"Hey, playa, what up, son?All right, playa."

"Gimme all your money, playa,empty your pockets, son."

The German would juststand there and say,

"No."

"No, player, of course not."

(giddy laughter)

Right, the gangster won'teven know what to do, right?

He'll be like, "Oh, snap,

uh, that ain't howthat usually go down."

"Yeah, dude, see, I havea pistol, right, playa?"

And the German would be like,"It is okay.

I have alreadypoisoned you, my friend."

The gangster would be like,"Oh, wait, oh, playa."

(applause)

Germans are creepy though, man.

When they speak German,it's the scariest, man.

It is. You know why?

'Cause they always sound like

they're talkingabout you, right?

Right, they do!

It's just...(mimicking German)

(speaking German)...kill him...

(screaming in German)

And they don't have,there's no middle volume

when they speak, right?It's just, it's either...

(speaking softly)or... (screaming).

And they walk creepy, too.

(mimicking German)

That's how they speak.

Why do they speak,like, when they're talking

like they're goingin rewind, right?

That's how they sound, right?

(mimicking German)

Nah, some of you don't believeme but check this out, man.

I can prove it to you howGermans are the creepiest.

All right, if itwas your birthday,

picture it's your birthday,all right.

A German walks right upto you and he says, "Hello."

"H-H-Hi, I have made youa birthday cake."

Would you eat it?

(Bleep) no!You would not eat that.

You would tell right there,you'd be like, "Hold on,

stop the music, this is myparty. I want to know right now,

did you poison it? Tell me."

And Germans don't care, they'lljust straight up tell you.

They'll be like,"Yes, (giddy laughter)."

Whoopsie daisy! I have triedto kill you unt I have failed!

(giddy laughter)

I'm silly. (laughing)

I'm scared of everything, man.

You know who the scariestperson I ever met was?

My ex-girl.

The girls know it, too, right?

It's true, right? You know it.

I feel like her-- howabout this for the dudes?

You ever get in an argument--and we used to argue so much,

dudes, you everget into an argument

where, like, you don'teven know what it's about?

Right, like, that happens.

I feel like sometimeswomen have an argument quota

that they needto fill per month.

You know what I mean?

And here's the thing,if they don't reach their quota

by the end of the month,guess what, doesn't matter.

They don't need you, they'restill gonna reach that, right?

That's when, dude,you have no clue

that that's gonna happen, right?

You're just hanging out,having a good time and then

bam, you're like, you know what?

Hey, baby, I love cheesecake.

She's like, "What the (beep)is that supposed to mean?!"

"Seriously? Seriously?

"Seriously? Seriously?Seriously?"

"Do you have any ideahow stupid you look?"

All right.

Whoo!

What's everybody's name?

No, you don't want to play that?

Okay, that's rude, kind of,if you think about it.

Uh, I don't know, honestly,

before I get started I kind offeel insecure about this outfit.

That's not a joke, you're notsupposed to laugh at that.

Uh, I don't know, man,that's why I wish I was,

like, a black dude.You know what I mean?

If I was blackI could wear anything, man.

If I saw a black dude

walking down the streetin full camouflage gear

sucking on a pacifier

with, like, fake wingson his shoulders, right?

Wearing a safari hat witha dildo sticking out of it,

I would not think,"What is wrong with this guy?"

I wouldn't, I wouldjust think, "oh, apparently

he knows somethingI don't know, I guess."

If you don't believe me,how come-- check this out.

Black dudes, they're theonly race in the whole world

that could wear cartoonson their shirt, right?

Not only is that cool,

but that's likehardcore gangster, right?

It's true, right?

A black dudewill roll up on you,

be like, "All right, playa."

"What up, playa?"

"All right, partner,holla at your boy, playa."

"Ya'll better recognize, that'sDora the Explorer, playa."

"Hell, yeah, how you gonna act

"like that ain'tCharlie Brown, son, huh?"

"B-B-B-Blue's Clues, playa."