And imagine my surprise tofind a beaver in my underpants.
Good evening and welcometo Two Drink Minimum,
the show where oldjokes are made new
through the magicof double entendre.
I have been having agreat time while I've
been out here in New York.
I've been seeing the sights.
Just yesterday we sawthe River of Spit.
And we visited theMuseum of Smells
and then beforeI leave tomorrow,
I'm going to go see theGallery of Broken Things.
But we were hoping, onething we missed out.
We were hoping to haveMayor Dinkins come down
and introduce one of thecomedians or something, which,
you know, don't laugh either.
He is a big comedy fan.
When you think about it, whyelse be the mayor of New York?
I'm having a greattime out here.
I'm going back to Los Angeles.
A lot of people say theythink that Los Angeles is
a heartless place that breedsinsincerity and mistrust.
But you know, I found thatwhen I first moved there,
I didn't really like it.
But after a while,something inside me died.
And it didn't bother me so much.
But I have noticed onesimilarity between Los Angeles
and New York is thenonstop, 24 hour a day,
seven day a week traffic.
You know, it'sunbelievable to me.
You could go out at4:00 in the morning,
after a nuclear bomb destroysthe entire Eastern seaboard,
and the TriboroughBridge would be jammed.
Who are thesepeople and where are
they going in nuclear winter?
Actually the peopleat home have no way
of knowing that weare in New York.
But there are actuallythere are subtle clues.
For example, that you cantell we're in New York
if you look at my eyes, you cansee a slight paranoid delirium,
mixed with terror andabject hopelessness.
Which, whereas, if wewere in Los Angeles,
you would see moral bankruptcyblended with repressed rage
masked by a tenuous beliefthat the suffering of others
is none of my concern.
Well that's how you getthe riots anyway, folks.
I'm glad you guysare here tonight.
take care of some of theseproblems we're having.
We've been trying tosolve this drunk driving
problem for years folks.
And there's an obvioussolution legalize marijuana.
I just think it'ssafer than alcohol.
I'd rather be stoneddriving a car than drunk.
Because when you're stoned,you think every car's a cop.
We have to solve our problems.
You can use it inyour personal lives.
I had a problem.
A woman broke upwith me, sent me
pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together.
Solution, I sentthem to her dad.
Solve those problems.
But now I'm in a relationshipand I'm very happy.
Only one problem though.
She wants to get married.
And which I wouldn't mind,except when you marry someone,
you don't justmarry that person,
you marry their entire family.
And yeah, thesepeople are like my
surrogate dysfunctional family.
There's not one or two of thesepeople that are messed up.
This is a dysfunctionalsoftball team.
And they split up atthe family reunion
and play the alcoholicsversus the co-dependents.
One of alcoholicsstrikes out, all
the co-dependents feel guilty.
So pretty scary.
But it's just tough,the relationship thing.
It's really difficult.
Because we all know that men andwomen just think differently.
I know when I'm havingsex with a woman
she's thinking about loveand marriage and romance.
And I'm thinking, 100bucks, I can't afford this.
What am I going to do?
But uh and it's justtough too because we all
know that every guy'sfantasy is what?
To have a threesomeat some point.
That's every guy's fantasy.
But you know it's great.
But instead of one woman Ican't satisfy, now I have two.
But, women, we love you.
We care about you.
We really do.
We want to satisfy you inevery way, especially sexually.
But please do us a favor.
If you can't havean orgasm, tell us.
Because I don't want toperform on anyone for an hour.
Just to have her say, nice try.
You're a hard littleworker, aren't you?
You get an A for effort.
It's OK, because now we'rein these sensitive '90s.
I'm trying to be more healthy.
I been going to thehealth food stores.
Is it some kind of lawthat says all these hip,
earthy, liberal womenaren't allowed to shave?
Does anyone know?
I'm in thereshipping for my food,
here comes junglelady in the sun dress.
She's got this littlesundress, tufts
of hair peeking out the sides.
It looks like she's got Bertand Ernie in a head lock.
Release those Muppets.
Just very difficult.
Now everyone's protesting,which is great.
I think everyone should protest.
I was at the AIDS walk.
And all the guys are out there.
There are millions of menout there, all with signs.
The roller blades andSpeedo didn't give it away.
Thanks for clearing that up.
So now, it's thissensitive time.
And we had the electionand everything.
I got a kick out of thisMTV campaign, Rock the Vote.
Did you see this?
They had this guy, Flea, fromthe Red Hot Chili Peppers.
It was all over TV,telling me to vote.
You should vote, dude.
Here's this heroinshooting, liquor sucking,
tattoed, monkey boy, carnivalfreak telling me to vote.
Hey, folks, I'll admit it.
I didn't vote.
i didn't like any of thosebastards enough to risk jury
is, it's my job to findthe pearl in the oyster,
to find something goodout of something bad.
You know, in something astragic as the Los Angeles riots,
I found comedy.
The funniest thing Iremember at the LA riots
were the Korean merchants.
Remember these guys on top oftheir shops in front of stores
with guns, trying toscare everyone off.
Now, personally, Ifound that hilarious.
I mean, these guys can't drive.
What makes themthink they can shoot.
I'm a Chinese guytelling a Korean driving
joke, here in NewYork, all right?
That's the pot callingthe kettle yellow.
I need to explain something.
I am not originallyfrom California.
In fact, I immigratedto San Francisco
about 3 1/2 years ago.
For 28 years my liferight prior to that,
I lived in this foreigncountry called Oklahoma.
Thank you, John Steinbeck, WillRogers, Oral Roberts, Oklahoma.
The reason I have to pointthat out is that what you see
and what I say may notbe what you're used to.
Essentially, I'ma redneck trapped
in the yellow man's body.
I'm an Asian with an attitude.
I like MSG.
I mean, it's ironic Igrew up in Oklahoma.
I mean, it's the one placemy relatives can't pronounce.
(SPEAKING WITHCHINESE ACCENT) Byron,
you'll still live in Oklahoma?
No, Grandpa, that's Oklahoma.
Oh, when you move?
I mean, for 28 yearsof my life, people
used to say to me all the time,
(SPEAKING WITH SOUTHERNACCENT) You know,
Byron, Chinese peopleare some of the most
beautiful people in the world.
You know, I reallyused to believe
that until I got to Chinatown.
I mean, there are some buttugly people down there.
One billion Chinesein the world and they
were all winners of the ErnestBorgnine lookalike contest.
Because you guyshave got to realize,
I'm not used to being aroundthat many Asian people.
I mean, back in Oklahoma,my apartment was Chinatown.
I mean, I thought dim sumwas some slow Chinese guy,
I was one of onlythree minorities.
OK there was me, a blackguy, and a smart guy.
And we had a tough time playingwith the other neighborhood
You know, we'd tryto play like Wild
Wild West andcowboys and Indians.
Everyone else inthe neighborhood
got to be like sheriffs andgunslingers and outlaws.
The black guy and Ibuilt the railroad.
I had a tough time dating,being the only Asian guy
around because, number one, Inever any date money and number
two, my date'sparents would never
know what to think wheneverI'd go to pick up the girl.
You know, it wouldalways happen.
I'd get to the doorstep.I'd ring the doorbell.
The father wouldanswer the door,
and say, what, didwe order takeout?
So I gave him a brown paper bag.
He gave me $20.
I had date money.
No, I love living in California.
But the one thing I havenot gotten used to out there
is this thing aboutpolitical correctness.
I know it's allover the country,
but I'm not used to it.
I mean, my first six monthsin San Francisco, I'd go,
hi, my name is Byron andI'm an Oriental American.
And people would correct me.
They'd say, no, Byron.
You're not an Oriental American.
That's a racist term.
You're an Asian American.
I'd go, gosh, I'm sorry.
I'm not used to beingaround this many minorities.
They say, no, Byron,you're not a minority.
You're a person of color.
And I'm thinking, whatam I, a crayon, what?
They'd say, what wouldyou like to be called,
a Chinese American,an Asian American?
Hey if it'spolitically correct, I
want to be called a yellowbanana nut stud muffin.
But you can call me Byron Yee.
And she was handicapped but Ididn't know she was handicapped
because it wasn'tlike a real one.
But I didn't know shestuttered because she only
stutters when shegets really excited.
So we're having sex.
And it's awkward because Idon't know she's going to have
an orgasm or she's just tryingto tell me something, right?
But she's goingFa, fa, fa, fa, fa.
And I'm going, oh,god, this girl's crazy.
Go ahead baby, say it.
Fa, fa, fa, fa.
Oh my god this is crazy.
Your fa, phone's ringing.
I'll ga, get it.
I miss like thirdgrade because you
could kill people in dodge ball.
Remember the rulesto dodge ball?
If you were fat orhad glasses, don't
show up because you'll die.
That was crazy, man.
The teacher would hadeverybody a volleyball at 8:00
in the morning.
You'd pick out the mostpathetic kid in the class
and try to kill them.
You're in the corner ofthe gym with your friends,
going, dude, check itout, he's got a walker.
Give me the ball.
Come on, give me the ball.
You got the kidwith the back brace.
It's my turn now.
You played kickball.
You guys remember kickball?
Kickball was great, right?
Remember that one kid every yearthat would miss the kickball?
If you missed the kickball, man,it was just like, I don't know,
move to Canada.
Because nobody inthis country will
sit with you at lunch time.
If you missed the kickball,you don't have a place
to sit at lunch for therest your life, not even,
like OK, not even likeexchange students.
They been in the country a week.
They know you're a loser.
Like, miss the kickball,first period gym.
Sixth period lunch.You're like, hey, you guys.
Anybody sitting here?
(SPEAKING WITH CHINESEACCENT)Oh, forget it,
you're the kid thatmissed the kickball.
Beat it loser.
What was your favoritesubject in school?
Every guy had the same one, man.
But every guy, eventually, everyguy likes to same one the best.
Guys love would wood shop, man.
When you go in there youthink you're MacGyver.
You're 14 years old.
You go in there withthis bitchin' attitude.
Your friends see youin the lunch room.
Hey, Jay, what are you making?
You're like, Nautilus machine.
It's going to be mint, man.
Leg extension, bench press, latpulldown, curl bar, preacher
curl, tricep bar,rowing machine.
It's got an engine in caseyou want to drive to school.
We're going tocruise chicks, man.
Two weeks later, you can't evenlook your friends in the eye.
You let them down so bad.
Hey, Jay, where's theNautilus machine, man?
I didn't see it inthe parking lot.
I couldn't do it.
What are you making instead?
It's not funny.
What did you get on it.
I got in A, but I knew I would.
I bought it.
How about you, man?
How's the space shuttle coming?
Oh, I bailed on that, man.
I didn't feel likemaking that anymore.
That was weird, man.
What are you making instead?
What did you get on it?
Dude, that sucks.
Yeah, tell me about it.
I bought it.
If you bought it,how could you fail?
But you got thatdrunk shop teacher?
You remember that guy?
All my teachers would drink.
My teachers woulddrag just to avoid me
because I was sucha wasted kid, man.
You know how you can tellif your teacher's hungover?
Remember movie day?
You come in, there's a projectorin the middle of the room.
Ms. Crabtree's in thecorner with a pot of coffee
and her head between her legs.
She got the dry heaves.
It says right there onthe blackboard, Sit down.
And nobody says jello shots.
Watch that World War Itank video projector.
It was like, Platypus isAustralia's most famous animal.
Thank you very much.