Gay Bomb

  • 10/30/2012

Connie flees an anti-gay church group, only to discover a secret military hideout.

- WELL, THAT'S INTOLERANT.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THEYSAID BAD THINGS ABOUT YOU?

- THAT'S ALL THEY DO!I KNOW BECAUSE...

I USED TO BE A MEMBER.

IT WAS 15 YEARS AGO.

I WAS YOUR AVERAGE,EVERYDAY LITTLE GIRL.

[grunts]

I WANTED TO PLEASEMY MOTHER SO MUCH.

[rip]

[girls giggling]

SHE JUST IGNORED MEAND MY HANKERING FOR HOO HAA-ING

TILL SHE COULDN'T ANYMORE.

MY FATHERAND THE CHURCH MEMBERS

MADE A "GAY CURING" MACHINE.

THEY CALLED IT"THE HOMO ERADICATOR."

- YOU LIKE THAT, SINNER?DO YOU?

I'LL BET SLATERFROM SAVED BY THE BELL

WOULD MAKE YOU SCREECH.

- MMM...

- DOESN'T PAT SAJAKHOLD YOUR GAY BACK?

- MMM...

- AND TRY ROMANCIN'TED DANSON.

- MMM.

[slow beeping]

[rapid beeping]

[electrical buzzing]

- YOU HAD ENOUGH?- NO.

I WANNA SEE HOW IT ENDS.

WHEN IT DIDN'T WORK,MY PARENTS DISOWNED ME.

THEY BOUGHT A ST. BERNARD,NAMED IT CONNIE,

AND PHOTOSHOPPED MEOUT OF ALL THE FAMILY PICTURES.

I NEVER SPOKETO THEM AGAIN.

- MAN, THAT'S MESSED UP!

IF THEY WANTEDA DOG NAMED CONNIE,

THEY COULD'VE JUST KEPT YOU.

- SHUT UP, IDIOT.

CONNIE, I NEVER KNEWYOU'D BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH.

WOODY, YOU CAN'T HAVETHAT HATE-FILLED CHURCH HERE.

- YEAH, YEAH.MAYBE I SHOULD RECONSIDER

HAVING THESE HATE-MONGERSAT OUR PARK.

- THEY PAID CASH.- CHA-CHING!

WELCOME, HATE MONGERS!

WE NEED TO MAKETHESE PEOPLE FEEL COMFORTABLE.

TIME TO DE-GAY THE PARK!

CONNIE, PUT ON THIS DRESS.

YOW. THAT'S A TOUGH SELL.HERE.

FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS,YOU'RE GONNA BE A STRAIGHT GUY

NAMEDCHESTER...BEEFBOTTOM.

- [groans]

ONE FINAL PLAY!

- GIVE ME THAT! IT'STHE CUPCAKE WARS SEASON FINALE.

- HEY, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?- UGH. I CANNOT GET INTO SPORTS.

- CHANGE IT BACK.[click]

- AND THAT'S IT!

THE BEST PLAYIN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS!

WHAT'S THAT, JIM? OUR INSTANTREPLAY MACHINE BROKE?

HMM. WELL, IT LOOKS LIKEIF YOU MISSED THAT PLAY,

YOU'LL NEVER GET TO SEE IT.

WE NOW JOIN THE BACHELORETTEALREADY IN PROGRESS.

- YAY!OW!

YOU KNOW THAT'S A HATE CRIME.

[door opens]- HI, BROWN SUGAR.

YOU GETTIN' PRETTY FOR ME?- MAYBE.

- THESE ARE FOR YOU.

- OH...MY...

[shrieks]GOD!

- WOW. YOU REALLY LIKEROSES, HUH?

- OH, WOODY, WOODY,I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT,

I LOVE IT!

- I CAN'T BELIEVEI'M NOT GAY ANYMORE.

THE BLAST FROM THE BOMBMUST HAVE DONE IT SOMEHOW.

I WONDER IF...MM...

UUUHHHH!

OH, NO.MY LESBIAN STRENGTH.

IT'S GONE!OH, MY HEAVENS.

I BROKE A NAIL.

- HONK, HONK.WHY'D YOU RUN OFF, SEXY?

YOU LEFT ME HIGHAND NOT-SO-DRY BACK THERE.

- UH, ETHEL, LOOK,

I DON'T KNOWHOW TO EXPLAIN THIS, BUT...

I'M JUST NOT INTO YOUANYMORE.

- WHAT? YOU'RE KIDDING. YOU'RE REJECTING ME?

NOBODY REJECTS ME.I AM [bleep] HOT.

I'M AT LEAST A NINE.YOU'RE, WHAT, A FOUR, A FIVE?

AND THAT'S ON THE GODDAMNRICHTER SCALE!

- OH. LOOK, I'M SORRY,ETHEL.

- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.I CAN BE WITH WHOEVER I WANT.

AND I WANNA BE WITH YOU.- NO.

- OH, YOUR MOUTH SAYS NO,BUT YOUR BODY SAYS...

- NO!MY BODY SAYS NO TOO.

- HMM. PLAYINGHARD TO GET, HUH?

WELL, THAT GETS MY LADY PARTSBARKING LIKE A JACK RUSSELL.

[barking]

THAT BIG, PASTY BUTT'LLBE MINE SOON ENOUGH.

- OH, I CAN'T BELIEVEI'M STRAIGHT.

THIS IS A DISASTER.

- EXCUSE ME, SIR.WE'RE LATE.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE JESUSHATES HOMOS RALLY IS?

- MOM?DAD?

- [gasps]both: CONNIE?

[woof woof]

- OH, NOT YOU, CONNIE.THE BULL DYKE.

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