Tuesday, September 30, 2014

  • 09/30/2014

Heather Anne Campbell, Adam Newman and Mike Lawrence come up with better names for the new Microsoft OS, list #MillennialTVShows and create awful college Facebook groups.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BIG NEWS FROM MICROSOFT TODAY.

THEY'RE ANNOUNCING THEIR NEWESTOPERATING SYSTEM SEXILY TITLED

WINDOWS 10!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT PROMISES TO REVOLUTIONIZE THEWAY YOU PLAY MINDSWEEPER OR HELP

YOUR MOM CHECK HOT MAIL ANDERASE THE PENIS ENLARGEMENT

ATTACKS OF ADS, AFTER HER E-MAILIS ATTACKED.

WE TRIED TO GET SOME APPLEREPRESENTATIVES TO COMMENT, BUT

THEIR PHONES KEPT DROPPING THECALLS.

NO, THAT'S RIGHT, GUYS, I'M ANEQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER.

>> YOU'RE MAKING AN APPLE JOKEWHILE DRESSED AS BONO FROM U2.

>> CHRIS: HEY, MAN, WAIT AMINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE.

NO, NO ( BLEEP ) POINT.

THIS IS NOT MY BONO.

MY BON'S WEARS A VEST, NO SHIRT,AND HAS A PONYTAIL.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS GUY ISNOW.

>> HE'S GOING TO SEND ME WHERETHE TWEETS HAVE NO NAME.

>> CHRIS: 100 POINT FOR MIKELAWRENCE.

MIKE RADIO SOFT WENT FROMWINDOWS 8 TO WINDOWS 10 SKIPPING

9 ENTIRELY.

THEIR REASONING BASICALLY 10JUST SOUNDS COOLER.

I THINK IF YOU'RE GOING TO GIVESOMETHING AN ARBITRARY NAME, GO

BIG.

I MEAN, EVEN APPLE WENT THROUGHEVERY GODDAMN JUNGLE CAT.

I WOULD LIKE A RADER NAMEHEATHER CAMPBELL.

>> WINDOWS-- YOU KNOW WHAT,( BLEEP ).

DOORS.

>> CHRIS: MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> WINDOWS X VERSUS SEVER.

>> CHRIS: WAIT A MINUTE!

DID YOU-- DID YOU JUST REFERENCETHE LUCY LUI MOFFER, X VERSUS

SEVER?

>> A MOVIE THATm WAS AS POPULARAS WINDOWS WAS IN THE SAME YEAR.

>> CHRIS: YOU GAVE IT THEAPPROPRIATE NAME.

WELL DONE, POINTS.

THE NUMBER ONE US TREND ONTWITTER TODAY WAS

#DURAGHISTORYWEEK.

>> YOU PICKED THE WRONG THREECONTESTANTS FOR THIS.

>> CHRIS: OH, DID I?

THAT'S NOT THE WEEK WHEN HULKHOGAN COMES TO YOUR SCHOOL TO

TEACH YOU ABOUT THE HORRORS OFMALE PATTERN BALDNESS.

IT'S ACTUALLY DID YOU RAGHISTORY HAS BEEN

TRENDING BECAUSE DURING NEW YORKFASHION WEEK, THE CHANEL MODELS

WORE DURAGS BACKSTAGE AND"LIVID" MAGAZINE CALLED THEM

"URBAN TIE CAPS."

OH, ( BLEEP ) WHITE PEOPLE!

THIS INSPIRED TWITTER TO MOCKTHE FASHION WORLD FOR

MISAPPROPRIATING TRADITIONALLYBLACK HAIR FASHION AND FIND THE

BEST DURAG MOMENTS THROUGHOUTHISTORY.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING DURAGPICS GOT THE MOST RETWEETS.

A) IT MADE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'STRANSITION FROM POP TO R&B A

SMOOTH ONE #DURAGHISTORYWEEK.

HE LOOKS LIKE A FULL CONDOM.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

B) AFTER 40-PLUS YEARS, THISGENTLEMAN FINALLY TOOK HIS DURAG

OFF.

>> OH!

HE HAS THE SAME HAIR AS THEGREEN GOB PLIN.

>> CHRIS: IT'SC) IT'S #DURAGHISTORYWEEK.

RELIVE THE TIME VINCE McMAHONREVOLUTIONIZED THE BILLION-

DOLLAR DURAG.

( APPLAUSE )WHICH ONE OF THOSE-- MIKE

LAWRENCE?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY IT'S C, ANDI ALSO KNOW THAT PICTURE IS FROM

WWWE2006.

>> CHRIS: I AM SO PROUD OF YOUFOR FINDING A MATE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS-- B!

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS AN ACTIVITYYOU DO TO CELEBRATE DURAG

HISTORY WEEK?

R/.

>> WE ALL SIT AROUND AND READTHE CLASSIC CHILDREN'S BOOK "ONE

POK, 2 POK, RED POCONCLUDE, BLUEPOCONCLUDE.

>> CHRIS: IT'S TIME FORTONIGHT'S TASH.

THE NEW SITCOM "SELFIE" PRAEMERES TONIGHT.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS MILLENNIALTV SHOWS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SOCTDZCLOCK.

>> GI TRADER JOES.

HEATHER.

>> JEOPER DCS.

>> I CAN HAVE BOB'S BURGERS.

>> CHRIS: MIKE?

>> IKEA AND PEEL.

>> CHRIS: HEATHER.

>> TO CATCH A TUMBLER.

>> CHRIS: ADAM.

>> LENA DUNHAM WARRIOR PRINCESS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> HOW I SEXED YOUR MOTHER.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: ADAM?

>> THE SWIPE IS RIGHT.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MIKE.

>> SAVED BY THE JEZEBEL.COM.

>> POINT.

>> TEENAGED MUTANT LINKEDINTURTLES.

>> GAME OF STUDENT LOANS.

>> OKAY, YEAH, GOOD, POINT.

HEATHER.

>> MAD MEH.

>> POINTS.

PERFECT.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> N.Y.P.D. BLU-TOOTH.

>> POINTS.

ADAM.

>> DOUBLE DARE YOU TO SEND ME ADICK PIC.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

IS THAT THE GAME OR ARE YOUTALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW?

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY "I'MREALLY GOOD AT."

OKcUPID IS A PLACE FOR PEOPLELOOKING TO MAKE A DEEP AND

MEANINGFUL CONNECTION BY MAKINGSNAP JUDGMENTS ABOUT EACH OTHER

BASED ON LOOKS AND ANSWERS TO AFEW RANDOM QUESTIONS.

ONE OF THE QUESTIONS THAT USERSANSWER IS TO FILL IN A BLANK

THAT READS, "I'M REALLY GOODAT.รน"

SO, COMEDIANS, BASED ON THEOkCupid PROFILE I'M GOING TO

SHOW YOU, I WANT YOU TO TELL MEWHAT YOU THINK THEY MIGHT BE

REALLY GOOD AT.

FIRST ONE, HOW ABOUT NUDE GUY?

WELL, NUDE EXCEPT FOR THEHEADSET.

HEATHER.

>> SMASHING MY HARD DRIVE WHEN IHEAR THEM KNOCK?

>> CHRIS: YES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

POINTS.

>> BAM!

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE-- HOW ABOUTI AM JAMAICAN B.B.Y.Y?

( LAUGHTER )ADAM.

>> JERK-OFF YOUR CHICKEN.

>> CHRIS: YES.

>> IT'S JAMAICAN.

JAMAICAN.

>> REALLY GOOD AT MAKING THESAME EXPRESSION WITH MY MOUTH

AND BELLYBUTTON.

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

>> CHRIS: POINTS HEATHER ANNECAMBPELL.

NEXT ONE.

FIRE STARTER 83?

FIRE STARTER!

OH!

WHAT IS-- ADAM?

>> KARAOKE?

>> CHRIS: YOU KNOW IT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HIS SONG IS?

>> ANYTHING BY EARTH, WIND, ANDFIRE.

( LAUGHTER )NEXT ONE.

NINJA SMURFET @94?

MIKE?

>> WHIPPING OUT MY VAGINA ANDSCREAMING, "THIS IS WHERE THE

WILD THINGS ARE."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

LAST ONE.

FUZZY JESUS.

FUZZY JESUS.

>> OH!

>> CHRIS: THERE'S A LOT OF GOODTHINGS HAPPENING IN BOTH OF

THOSE PICTURES.

ADAM.

BUTng MOSTLY IT'S GOOD AT GOINGTHROUGH MY TRUST FUND.

>> REAL GOOD AT SNUFF SLURPING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,"PHOTOBOMBS: CREEPY OR CUTE?"

IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER ROUND OFOUR CLASSIC GAME WHERE WE SHOW

YOU A PIECE OF A PHOTOBOMBTHAT'S GONE VIRAL AND YOU HAVE

TO TELL US IF IT'S AN ACCIDENTALNUGGET OF ADORABLE JOY OR

SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE THETERRIFYING LAST MOMENTS BEFORE A

GRISLY MURDER.

250 POINTS IF YOU GUESSCORRECTLY.

FIRST ONE:TIGER WOODS SETTING UP A SHOT.

CREEPY OR CUTE?

THERE HE IS AIMING THE PUTT INHEATHER.

>> CUTE?

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

OH, NO.

OH, NO.

>> YOU CAN SEE HIS PEENIS ANDPUBES IN THAT.

>> GUESS WHERE THE 18th HOLEIS?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, NONE.

THESE BEACH BABES, CREEPY ORCUTE?

YEAH, MIKE.

>> CREEPY BECAUSE I'M STANDINGBEHIND THEM.

>> CHRIS: WELL, LEASE FIND OUT.

YES.

( APPLAUSE )>> HIS BELLYBUTTON ALSO MATCHES

HIS FACE.

>> CHRIS: THAT GUY'S DICK ISLIKE ATLAS.

>> AND HE JUST SHRUGGED.

>> CHRIS: HE JUST SHRUGGED.

( LAUGHTER )NEXT ONE, THESE ADORABLE CATS.

THESE ADORABLE CATS.

CREEPY OR CUTE?

HEATHER.

>> CREEPY.

>> CHRIS: YEAH IT'S GOT TO BECREEPY.

OH!

WHO'S TAKING THE PICTURE?

>> THEY'RE RUNNING AWAY TOWARDSTHE CAMERA, THEY'RE RUNNING

AWAY.

>> CHRIS: OR HE'S ( BLEEP )KITTENS.

>> I BELIEVE THEY CALL THOSE( BLEEP ), ( BLEEP ).

>> CHRIS: POINTS, 100 POINT.

>> IT'S TIME FOR "BAD COLLEGEFACEBOOK GROUPS."

WE'RE ONE MONTH INTO THE FALLSEMESTER, AND IF YOU'RE A

COLLEGE FRESHMAN WHO HASN'T GOTLAID YET, YOU PROBABLY WANT TO

JOIN A FACEBOOK GROUP TO HELPYOU MEET LIKE-MINDED VIRGINS.

BUT CHOOSE WISELY, BECAUSE THEREARE A LOT OF QUESTIONABLE GROUPS

OUT THERE, LIKE:PAGAN PENGUINS OF CLARK COLLEGE

AND STITCH 'N' BITCH.

( LAUGHTER )I WANT YOU TO COME UP WITH EVEN

MORE RIDICULOUS COLLEGE FACEBOOKGROUPS.

>> BAKE BACK THE NIGHT, A CUPCAKE SUPPORT GROUP.

>> WEIRD SEX DURING SOPHOMOREYEAR CLUB.

>> THE HUNCH BACKS AT NOTREDAME.

>> CHRIS: HEATHER.

>> THE TIMMY JOHNSON, THAT WILLSHOW 'EM CLUB.

>> STRAIGHT GUYS WHO WATCH"SCANDAL."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: NICE.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

MIKE.

>> THE JUGGLEETS OFJACKSONVILLE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HEATHER.

>> THE BALD GUYS WITH GOATEESFUTURE REALTOR'S CLUB.

>> DUDES WHO WEAR BATHING SUITSIN THE DORM SHOWERS.

>> CHRIS: MIKE.

>> THE B.Y.O.B.B.B.B.W.B.B.Q. ATN.Y.U..

>> FACIAL DICK ARTIST( BUZZER ).

>> CHRIS: YOU ARE CURRENTLY AT ATIE.

WHOEVER GETS THE BIGGER RESPONSEIS GOING TO THE FINAL GROUND.

>> WE'LL ( BLEEP ) FOR GRADEBOYS AND GIRLS CLUB.

>> ORAL ROBERTS UNIVERSITYSTUDENTS WHO LIKE ORAL.

>> CHRIS: HEATHER ANNE CAMBPELLGETS THE POINTS!

YOU'RE GOING TO THE FINAL ROUND.

ADAM NEWMAN, A WONDERFULLYFOUGHT BATTLE.

YOU WERE A PHENOMENAL CONTESTANTTODAY, ADAM.

YOU DEFINITELY WILL COME BACK ONTHE SHOW.

FOR NOW WE HAVE TO CUT YOULOOSE.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAYBEFORE WE BATHE YOU IN RED

LIGHT.

>> I WOULD SAID HEY JIEWDZ, BUTHE'S STICKING AROUND, BUT SHE

EDGED ME OUT WITH THE HITLERJOKE.

SO I DON'T KNOW, ALL RIGHT.

>> CHRIS: RED LIGHT!