Monday, October 31, 2016

  • 10/31/2016

Kevin Pereira, April Richardson and Moshe Kasher break down a misspelled anti-Hillary Clinton slogan, list raunchy NFL penalties and make up #CandySongs.

Well, it looks likeHillary Clinton's e-mails

could be the subjectof more FBI probing.

Oh, my. Uh...

KASHER:Great still for that.

-Yeah.-(laughter) -Look at her.

-Mid probe.-Mid probe. Mid probe.

First of all,

why does she have that face withthe headline "Weiner" above it?

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Oh, it's, uh...

It's FBI.The federal beef injection.

-Uh, that's what it is.-(laughter)

-And now...-(applause)

Can we give you points?

-No, I don't... I can't getpoints. -That's not allowed?

And now the hashtag#HillaryForPrision is trending.

-Yes, with a typo. -(laughter)-RICHARDSON: Of course.

In fact, it's been..."Treading for 2 days"!

RICHARDSON:Oh! No!

It is at the top of the treads.

-No!-Treading for two entire days.

Say what you wantabout Hillary's e-mails.

At leastthey were spell-checked.

-(laughter) -This isthe biggest political typo

since 1948, when the newspapersmistakenly reported,

"Dewey beats off Truman."

(laughter)

-(applause)-Which is wrong.

Some people are claiming that"prision" was spelled that way

on purposeto avoid Twitter's censors.

These are the same peoplethat thought

"xHamster" was a medical petcare Web site.

-(laughter)-Hillary for "prision."

Comedians, what is "prision"?

-April.-That's how you spell "prison."

-The dictionary is rigged!-HARDWICK: All right, points.

-Yeah, it is. Yeah.-(applause)

It's not a typo at all.That's Hillary's rap name.

-"Prision!"-HARDWICK: All right, points.

-(laughter, applause)-Points.

It is musical.Prision is a Vegas DJ

that gave my sistera urinary tract infection.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: All right, points.

Sweet tats, though.

And she calls hervagina "Hillary."

-She sure does.-(laughter)

Yesterday'sAmerican footballing game

between the New England Patriotsand the Buffalo Williams

was super sexy-- and notjust 'cause Bill Belichick

wore a crop top--that really helped.

(laughter)

It's because bro FrankensteinRob Gronkowski

scored his record-breaking

69th touchdown!

(cheering)

-I get it. -Surprisingly,though, Gronk's big 6-9

wasn't even the most eroticmoment from yesterday's game.

Comedians,what sexy thing interrupted

the Pats-Bills mash-up?

C) Someone chuckling a dildoonto the field.

-Moshe.-It was C, uh, and...

-It was C. Roll the clip.-Yeah.

(applause)

Okay...

-(applause, whooping)-let's just...

-I want to...-You can explain this?

Yeah. I want to admit, I wantto admit that I cheated a bit.

I knew that it was C,because that was actually me.

I got so excited about thePatriots getting a touchdown

-that I farted.-Oh, no!

Yeah.

Well, that must have...must have been really nice

to shake that loose.

Comedians, refs typicallythrow flags for penalties.

What penaltywas this thrown for?

-Kevin.-Roughing the asser.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Moshe.-Unsportsmanlike (bleep)-duct.

-All right.-(laughter, groaning, applause)

Uh, points. April.

Neglecting the balls.

-Yeah, points. Points.-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.

Now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

Are we friends?

Uh, today... today is Halloween,

which comesfrom the Old English,

"Festival of Drunk Harlequins."

However, if you'reunder the age of 12--

uh, first of all,please stop watching this show

and forget everything I saidabout the pink and the stink

and go to bed.Also... today was your day

to go buck wildand get crunk on sugar,

and because the annualcandy binge is music...

This really is the candy purge,right? Every year.

And with the candy purgeis music

to everyTesla-wanting dentist's ears,

so tonight's hashtag isCandySongs. CandySongs.

Examples might be:

"Hershey's Kiss by a Rose,"

and "Baby Ruth Got Back."

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Moshe.-"O.P.Peanut M&Ms."

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-April. -"Ziggy Starburstand Spiders from Mars Bar."

-Oh!-(cheering, shouting)

-RICHARDSON: Thank you.-Points for that.

-Uh, Kevin.-"Lose Your Foot" by M&Ms.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

Uh, Moshe.

"I'm Not a Playa,I Just Candy Crush Alot."

(laughter)

-April.-"In the Airheads Tonight."

-Yeah, points. Moshe.-No Phil Collins fans here?

That's cool.No dads in the audience?

-MAN: Yeah!-"Let Me Smell Your Twix."

All right, points.

April.

We could be heroesjust for one Payday.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

(cheers and applause)

Who are you... ?Yeah, okay.

Uh, Kevin.

Kit Kat scratch fever.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Moshe.

It's raining Mentos.

HARDWICK:Yeah, points.

-That was great.-Impressive.

Hallelujah.