Hannibal and Kate Plus 8

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 08/26/2015

Hannibal takes to the streets of Los Angeles to find out what his fans want him to do on the season finale, roasts a baby and welcomes musical guest Lupe Fiasco.

THERE'S A LOT OF PRESSUREON A SEASON FINALE,

AND I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME

DECIDING WHATTO PUT IN THE LAST SHOW.

SO, I DECIDED TO USE A TRIEDAND TRUE COMEDY TECHNIQUE --

ASK STRANGERS ON THE STREET THATHAVE ZERO COMEDY EXPERIENCE,

AND THEN STEAL THEIR IDEASAND GIVE MYSELF CREDIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]HERE IT IS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEEON THE SHOW FOR THE FINALE?

FOR THE FINALE I WANT TO SEEYOU, LIKE, TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF,

DO SOMETHING SEXY,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, YOU KNOW, REALLY HONE INON THAT FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC.

I SHOWED MY GUTON EPISODE FIVE.

LOOK AT THAT [BLEEP]

DIDN'T GETA LOT OF FEEDBACK.

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT DIDN'T --IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

YOU GOT TO DROP TROU.YOU GOT TO --

DROP TROU?YEAH.

YOU GOT TO SHOW EVERYBODYWHAT YOU WORKING WITH.

SHOW 'EM THE HANNIBAL.

BUT IT'S NOT -- IT'S NOTIMPRESSIVE IN ITS RESTING STATE.

THINK MY GUT IS TOO BIG?

THAT'S A PROBLEMWE BOTH HAVE.

YOU DRINK, HUH?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.NO?

I EAT MEXICAN FOOD.

WHAT THE FU--STILL.

YOU ATE YOUR WAYINTO THAT?

MEXICAN FOOD.

MEXICAN FOOD OR...AN ENTIRE MEXICAN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT SHOULD WE HAVE HAPPENTHE LAST EPISODE?

IF YOU CAN GET DONALD TRUMP,THAT WOULD DO SOMETHING.

YEAH.HE'S AVAILABLE.

UH, THERE'S PEOPLEWHO TWEET HIM DAILY,

AND HE RETURNS THE TWEET.YEAH? YEAH?

IF I HAD ONE OF THOSE THINGS,I'D SAY, "HELLO, DONALD.

MY NAME IS MARCUS.DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA.

WOULD YOUPLEASE CALL ME?"

YEAH.

YOU SHOULD INVITE LECRAE.

LECRAE?YEAH.

CHRISTIAN RAPPER LECRAE?

YEAH.INVITE HIM TO YOUR SHOW.

ONLY IF HE COMES ON THE SHOWAND IS LIKE,

[ RAPPING ] ♪ BITCHES, HOES,AND BITCHES, HOES ♪

♪ AND ALL RELIGION IS FAKE,AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN JESUS ♪[ LAUGHS ]

♪ I BE LIKING HOESALL OVER MY P-- ♪

HE WON'T DO THAT.

IF HE DID THAT.HE WON'T DO THAT.

NO, HE WOULDN'T DO THAT?MNH-MNH.

THEN IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE LECRAEIS GETTING BOOKED.

THIS IS LIKE, UH,SOMETHING I WORE

IN A VERYILL-FATED SKETCH.

[ LAUGHS ]WHAT SKETCH WAS THAT?

BOTH:I DON'T ANSWER QUESTIONS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU KNOWWHO I HEARD IS COMING?

WHO?THE BRITISH.

THE BRITISH?

IT WAS A JOKE ABOUT THE[BLEEP] HAIR AND THE HAT, MAN.

PAUL REVERE!COME ON, MAN.

IS SHE LIKE A BEARDFOR YOUR WHITE SUPREMACY?

[ LAUGHS ]OH, MAN!LOOK, MAN...

[ LAUGHS ]

[ BOTH SPEAKING BACKWARDS ]

YOU WERE RIGHT.MAYBE I SHOULD GET DONALD TRUMP.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DOFOR THE FINALE?

MAYBE BRING IT BACKTO COSBY.

EH...[ LAUGHS ]

NO, HEY,YOU DID COSBY, MAN.IT'S NOT...

YOU GOT TO TAKE THE ZHITO AN EXTREME. FIGURE OUT.

THE ONLY EXTREMEWOULD BE,

"HEY, I DON'T THINK HE DID IT.I WAS KIDDING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHOA!THAT GOT OUT OF HAND.

YEEGH!

THE CELEBRITY ROASTS ARE SOME OFTHE HIGHEST-RATED PROGRAMS

ON COMEDY CENTRAL,BUT I THINK THEY MIGHT BE

RUNNING OUT OF PEOPLETO ROAST.

I MEAN, THEY OFFERED ME A SPOTON THE DAIS OF THIS NEW ONE.

I'M NOT PROUD OF IT,BUT I STILL DID IT.

ANNOUNCER: IT'S THE "COMEDYCENTRAL ROAST OF A BABY."

FEATURING ROAST MASTER GENERALJEFF ROSS...

ANYWAY, BABY,I'M NOT GONNA SAY YOU'RE UGLY,

BUT ANGELINA JOLIE GOT A LOOKAT YOU AND SAID,

"EH, EIGHT IS ENOUGH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANNOUNCER:...HANNIBAL BURESS...

NICE HAIR, BABY.

DOES YOUR BARBER USE SCISSORSOR CHEMOTHERAPY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANNOUNCER:...EDDIE PEPITONE...

YOU WERE JUST IN YOUR MOM'SSTOMACH FOR NINE MONTHS.

MUST'VE BEEN NICE,

ALL WARM AND COZY,SWIMMING AROUND IN MY JIZZ.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANNOUNCER: ...LIL REL...

BABY, OF COURSE,GOT INTO A LITTLE TROUBLE

WHEN SHE WAS CAUGHT ON TAPESAYING THE "N" WORD.

NOW, I'M NOT MAD AT YOU,BUT IT WAS YOUR FIRST WORD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANNOUNCER: ...INTERNATIONALSUPERSTAR CHARO...

[ SPEAKING RAPID SPANISH ]

COOCHIE, COOCHIE.SHOW ME THE WAY TO THE BANK.

YO NO SE WHAT THE HELL I'M GONNADO WITH THE LITTLE BITCH.

GOOCHIE, GOOCHIE!I'M RUSTY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANNOUNCER: ...AND SPECIAL GUESTTHE BABY MAMA.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SUCKINGON THESE TITS LATER.

NOT YOU, BABY,THE TWO BLACK GUYS NEXT TO YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHEN YOUR PARENTSCHANGE YOUR DIAPERS,

THEY KEEP THE [BLEEP]AND THROW YOU AWAY, BABY.

[ LAUGHTER AND BABY CRIES ]

WHERE THE SINGLE MOMSIN THE HOUSE TONIGHT?

GUESS YOU LOSTTHE BABY WEIGHT TO AIDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU CRY WHEN YOU TIRED,YOU CRY WHEN YOU HUNGRY.

ARE YOU A BABYOR AN ASSHOLE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I CONSIDEREDGETTING AN ABORTION

BECAUSE PLANNED PARENTHOODOFFERED ME $30 FOR YOUR LIVER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSEAND BABY CRIES ]

NO ONE LOVES YOU, BABY.

YOU WERE FOUNDNEXT TO A DUMPSTER

BECAUSE THE DUMPSTERGAVE YOU UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'RE SO STUPID YOUACTUALLY WERE BORN YESTERDAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BABY'S LIKE,"WHY AM I GETTING ROASTED

BY THIS UBER DRIVER?"

[ LAUGHTERAND BABY COOS ]

BABY, YOU HAVE A FACEONLY A MOTHER CAN LOVE.

WHICH SUCKS, BECAUSEI DON'T [BLEEP] LOVE YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ BABY CRIES ]

ANNOUNCER: HA, HA!TAKE THAT, INFANT!

"COMEDY CENTRAL'SROAST OF A BABY."

SPONSORED BY SUNGLASSES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

RIGHT NOW, IT'S MY PLEASURETO WELCOME

ONE OF MY FAVORITE RAPPERSFROM CHICAGO,

DOING HIS TRACK"PRISONER 1 & 2."

PLEASE WELCOME LUPE FIASCO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ BEST LAID PLANMAKE A MESS MADE ♪

♪ DAMNATION, LET'S PLAY HANDS,SANS SPADES ♪

♪ THAT'S WITHOUTA BOYCOTT AND A SIT-OUT ♪

♪ AFRO-BLACK PICK INWITH A FIST OUT ♪

♪ FROM THE "WELCOME HOME"TO THE KICK OUT ♪

♪ REACH INTO A RABBIT,PULL A TRICK OUT ♪

♪ PREACHER PREACHING TO A...WITH HIS...OUT ♪

♪ HARD TIMES CALLFOR ARMED TIME ♪

♪ SICK, SICK, SICK EYESFROM THE NOSE PRESSURE ♪

♪ POLICE SNIP ZIP TIESON THE PROTESTERS ♪

♪ SIX WIVES IN THE FRYOF A MOLESTER ♪

♪ MET HIM AT A CAVIAR BAROUT IN ODESSA ♪

♪ DIRTY NEEDLES BREAKINGALL THE OLD RECORDS ♪

♪ A HUNDRED HOES, ONE SHOVEL,AND SOME OLD TREASURE ♪

♪ OL' ZEKE USE TEETHAS A GOLD TESTER ♪

♪ FINGER ROLLS, FINGER WAVES,CLOSET FULL OF OLD LEATHERS ♪

♪ OLD SWEATERS, OLD BOOTS

♪ THAT'S A WHOLE SUITFOR SOME COLD WEATHER ♪

♪ NEW SALE, TWO L'SAND SOME OLD LETTERS ♪

♪ NOW HE DOING DOUBLE LIFE,WHILE SHE LEAD A DOUBLE LIFE ♪

♪ MAN, HE NEED ANOTHER WIFE

♪ NEW APPROACH MIGHT HELPA PLAYER BOWL BETTER ♪

♪ NEW HOES MIGHT HELP A PLAYERHOLD TOGETHER ♪

♪ OR WILL THE NEW LANELEAD EM' TO THE SAME PEN ♪

♪ AND THE HUNGER STRIKEBRING 'EM TO THE SAME TIN? ♪

♪ LOVE IS LOOKING OVERVARIOUS ERRORS ♪

♪ AND HATE ISHABITUALLY ACCELERATING TERROR ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE BUT THE MURAL

♪ I JUST WANNA BE COLLECTEDWHEN I CALL, GOD DAMN ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA BE ACCEPTED,NOT AS ALL, AS I AM ♪

♪ VISITOR, VISITOR

♪ PRISONER, PRISONER

♪ GETTING SLAMMEDFROM THE PROTEST, NO FOOD ♪

♪ FORCE-FED HIM LIKE OBWITH A NOSE TUBE ♪

♪ VISIONS SAY CONSULT THE YOGIWITH THE GOLD SHOES ♪

♪ WITH THE ROLLIE, GOING BOWLINGFOR THE OLD SCHOOL ♪

♪ I NEED MORE FOR THE MICHAELS

♪ THAT'S A LOSS FOR THE CLASS,AND A SCORE FOR THE RIFLES ♪

♪ THREE HOTS AND A COT,AND SOME COPS ♪

♪ AND TRYING TO FIND DINOSAURSIN THE BIBLE ♪

♪ IT'S ALL QUIETIN THE JAIL-HOUSE ♪

♪ THEN THEY RIDE IN,THEY FIND THE EMPTY CELLS OUT ♪

♪ THEY WAS LOOKINGFOR THE SWORDS ♪

♪ THEY WAS LOOKINGFOR THE SWORDS ♪

♪ I'M JUSTLOOKING AT THEY FEET ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M LOOKINGFOR THE LORD ♪

♪ LOOKING IN THE LIBRARY,LOOKING AT THE LAW ♪

♪ 10 YEARS DEEP,NOW I'M LOOKING AT THE BAR ♪

♪ CLAIMING SOVEREIGNTY 'CAUSEI'M HOOKIN' WITH THE MOORS ♪

♪ THEY DEGENERATE,THEY AIN'T LOOKING AT THE GAME ♪

♪ THEY JUST LOOKINGAT THE SCORES ♪

♪ WHAT THEY PUTTIN'ON MY BOOKS ♪

♪ I'M LOOKING AT A STAR,TRADE A SHANK FOR SOME CRANK ♪

♪ NOW I'M LOOKING AT A WAR,BGF GOT THE YARD ♪

♪ A.B. GOT THE KITCHEN,SNITCHES ON P.C. ♪

♪ M&M, I'M ON THE MISSION,BUT C.O.'S GOT THE PRISON ♪

♪ GOD GOT US ALL,GOD SET US FREE ♪

♪ GOD IS THE KEY,BUT THE GUARDS GOT THE DOORS ♪

♪ LOVE IS LOOKING OVERVARIOUS ERRORS ♪

♪ BUT THE GUARDS GOTTHE DOORS ♪

♪ AND HATE ISHABITUALLY ACCELERATING TERROR ♪

♪ YEAH

♪ EVERYWHERE BUT THE MURAL

♪ I JUST WANNA BE COLLECTEDWHEN I CALL, GOD DAMN ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA BE ACCEPTED,NOT AS ALL, AS I AM ♪

♪ VISITOR, VISITOR

♪ PRISONER, PRISONER

♪ PUNCHIN' ON THE GLASS,

♪ SCARED SOME KILLERS MIGHT...HIM IN THE... ♪

♪ STAFF GETTING RIGID, WASN'TGONNA TAKE AWAY THE VISITS ♪

♪ SEPARATING...BY THEYSELF,AND MAKE 'EM STAY WITH IT ♪

♪ WICKED, SWUNG THE SHANK AROUNDON A MOP STRING ♪

♪ THEY HAD TO PULL HIM OUTHIS CELL WITH A SWAT TEAM ♪

♪ THAT'S A COP TEAM

♪ THEY SENT HELLA COPSTO STOP THE HELICOPTERING ♪

♪ MAN, HE THOUGHTTHAT HE'D FLY AWAY, ♪

♪ LIKE A KITE, TAKE FLIGHT,LIKE A LETTER ON A STRING ♪

♪ LIKE PROPELLERS ON A WING,BUT THE KITE WAS THE KEY ♪

♪ THEY MADE ELECTRIC CHAIRSFOR HIS DYING DAYS ♪

♪ LAST MEALS, NO APPEALSFOR HIM TO TRY AND STAY ♪

♪ DEATH ROW LIKE SUGEAND THE LATE PAC ♪

♪ MAYBE HE COULD DIG A TUNNELOUTTA A BLOCK ♪

♪ AND WEAR GLOVESFOR THE RAZOR-WIRED GATE TOP ♪

♪ SCARED THUGS GOING CRAZYIN A CAGED BOX ♪

♪ LOOKING AT THE WORLDTHROUGH THE TV ♪

♪ AND THEY GONE, RAPPING OVERBEATS FROM THE TABLETOPS, YEAH ♪

♪ THAT'S HOW IT ISIN A POLICE STATE ♪

♪ WHEN YOUR LIFE IS JUSTA NUMBER AND RELEASE DATE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE REHABILITATEDSO CORRECTLY ♪

♪ AND LET'S HOPE THAT'S HOW YOURLIVING WHEN YOU'RE SET FREE ♪

♪ LOVE IS LOOKING OVERVARIOUS ERRORS ♪

♪ AND HATE ISHABITUALLY ACCELERATING TERROR ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE BUT THE MURAL

♪ I JUST WANNA BE COLLECTEDWHEN I CALL, GOD DAMN ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA BE ACCEPTED,NOT AS ALL, AS I AM ♪

♪ VISITOR, VISITOR

♪ PRISONER, PRISONER

♪ LAND

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]