CC Presents: Greg Fitzsimmons

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 12/28/1998

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

IT'S NICE TO BE HERE.

I TURNED 32 LAST WEEK,WHICH IS ODD.

IT'S A WEIRD AGE TO BE,YOU KNOW, 32 YEARS OLD.

IT'S JUST LIKE...

HOW OLD ARE YOU, SIR?

EIGHTEEN.

EIGHTEEN?

YOU LOOK LIKE( bleep ).

I JUSTTURNED 32.

WOW.

32 IS WEIRD 'CAUSE I'M NOTREALLY YOUNG ANYMORE, YOU KNOW

BUT I'M NOT REALLY OLD YET.

I'M KIND OF STUCKIN THAT AWKWARD IN-BETWEEN STAGE

WHERE MY HAIRIS JUST STARTING TO FALL OUT

BUT I'M STILL MAINTAININGMY YOUTHFUL ACNE.

SO, PHYSICALLY

IT'S ALL REALLY COMING TOGETHERFOR ME RIGHT NOW.

SOON I'LL BE STROLLING AROUNDIN A PAIR OF DEPENDS

POPPING ZITS ON MY BALD HEAD.

( laughter )

I WISH I WAS A BLACK GUY.

IF YOU'RE A BLACK GUY,YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD, RIGHT?

LOOK AT THIS GUY...ANY BLACK GUY.

COULD BE THE UGLIEST

BLACK GUYIN CALIFORNIA--

YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD

EVERYONE WOMAN'S LIKE, "MM-HMM."

( laughter )

EVER SEEA WHITE GUY

SHAVE HIS HEAD?

EVERYBODY'S LIKE...

"LEUKEMIA?"

( laughter and applause )

BLACK GUYS GETTING LAID,I'M GETTING CHEMOTHERAPY.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

YOU DON'T WANTTO LOSE ALL YOUR HAIR

'CAUSE THEN YOU'RE JUST ANGRY.

EVERYBODY KNOWSWHY YOU'RE ANGRY.

YOU'RE BALD. YOU HAVE NO HAIR.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE

"WAITRESS,THIS DAMN COFFEE'S COLD!"

IT'S LIKE, "LET ME FRESHENTHAT UP FOR YOU, BALD GUY."

( squeaking sounds )

BUT I'M FIGHTING BACK.

I GOT THE ROGAINE.

I BOUGHT SOME ROGAINE.

( man cheering )

YEAH, CHEER.

I AM, UH... MY FRIEND GOES,"IF YOU'RE GOING TO USE ROGAINE

"JUST PUT IT SOMEWHERE

YOU'RE GOING TO REMEMBERTO USE IT EVERY DAY."

SO I PUT IT RIGHT NEXTTO MY PROZAC.

BUT NOW IT JUST FEELSREALLY PATHETIC

USING BOTH THESE PRODUCTSAT THE SAME TIME, YOU KNOW

'CAUSE IF EITHER ONE WORKS

I DON'T REALLY NEEDTHE OTHER ONE.

THESE ARE THE BIG BREAKTHROUGHS

IN SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGYIN THE LAST TEN YEARS.

WE HAVE ROGAINE, PROZAC...

NOW WE HAVE VIAGRA.

YOU GET A SENSEOF WHO'S BANKROLLING

MEDICAL RESEARCHIN THIS COUNTRY.

IT'S JUST DEPRESSED,BALDING, WHITE GUYS

WHO CAN'T GET ERECTIONSANYMORE.

GOD FORBID THEY CURESOMETHING IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW

LIKE MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY.

IT'S LIKE, "SORRY,LITTLE JOHNNY, YOU CAN'T GET UP

BUT LOOK, I CAN."

( laughter )

I JUST THINK IT'S PATHETICTHAT WE HAVE CHILDHOOD DISEASES

AND THEY HAVE TO HAVE, LIKE,TELETHONS WHERE PEOPLE, LIKE

YOU KNOW, HAVE TO DO WEIRD STUFFTO RAISE MONEY.

NOBODY WANTSTO JUST CUT A CHECK.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, YEAH,I'LL GIVE YOU SOME MONEY--

IF YOU WANT TO DANCEFOR 72 HOURS."

IS THEY'RE GOING TO STARTCLONING PEOPLE.

THAT'S JUST WHAT WE NEED.

THEY SAY IT'S GOODBECAUSE PEOPLE NEED

LIKE, BONE MARROW TRANSPLANTS.

SO, ESSENTIALLY, WE'LL ALL HAVE

LIKE, THIS CLONED SELFAFTER A WHILE.

JUST A GUYFOR WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF STUFF.

THEY JUST FOLLOW YOU AROUND.

THEY'LL BE MISSING A THUMB,TEETH, CLUMPS OF HAIR.

( groaning )

( laughter )

WE'RE NOT GOINGTO CLONE EVERYBODY.

LOOK AT LOS ANGELES.

ONLY THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLEWILL BE CLONED--

LIKE THE SKINNY,BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE--

AND THEN IT'LL GETTEN DEGREES COLDER

IN OUR ATMOSPHEREAND WE'LL DIE.

'CAUSE SKINNY PEOPLEIN THE COLD...

LIKE YOU EVER SEEA SKINNY GUY, COLD DAY?

THEY TREMBLE LIKE CHIHUAHUAS.

THEN YOU SEE A FAT GUYIN A TANK TOP, NINE DEGREES

HE'S SWEATING.

( laughter )

LOOK AT TITANIC.

REMEMBER, THE BOAT GOESINTO THE ICY COLD WATERS.

LITTLE SKINNY LEONARDO-- DEAD.

FINAL SCENE: KATHY BATESON A ROWBOAT, COAT OPEN

EATING A HOT DOG.

( applause )

WE'VE GOT TO CLONETHE FAT PEOPLE... AND BALD GUYS

'CAUSE SOMEBODY HAS TO HAVE SEXWITH THE FAT WOMEN.

BALD GUYS...

( audience booing )

DON'T START.

( laughter )

I CALLED MY GRANDMOTHERYESTERDAY.

WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?

SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE--

"OH, HELLO, DEAR.

"HOLD ON A SECOND.

"I JUST STEPPED OUTOF THE SHOWER.

LET ME GO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON."

I SAID, "HEY, GRANDMA

"DON'T EVER TELL MEYOU'RE NAKED AGAIN.

"GO PUT A LOT OF CLOTHES ON.

"GO PUT SOME MORE CLOTHES ON.

"I'M GOING TO SIT HERE AND DRINK

"AND TRY AND FORGET YOU NAKEDIN MY HEAD.

I'LL NEVER EAT RAISINS AGAIN."

( laughter and applause )

I DON'T WANT TO SEEMY GRANDMOTHER NAKED, YOU KNOW.

SHE TREMBLES AND SHAKES.

WE DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER.

WE TOOK HER TO DOCTORSAND SPECIALISTS.

IT TURNS OUT,WE FORGOT TO PAY HER HEAT.

SHE WAS COLD.

( laughter )

MY GRANDFATHER'S FROM IRELAND.

HIS NAME IS FLORENCE McCARTHY.

HE MOVED TO NEW YORK IN 1920.

THEY USED TO BEAT HIM UPBECAUSE HIS NAME WAS FLORENCE.

HE HAD TO SWITCH HIS NAMETO FRANK.

THEN THIS CHRISTMAS, HE MADEA BIG ANNOUNCEMENT-- HE GOES

( with Irish brogue ):"I'M SWITCHING MY NAMEBACK TO FLORENCE."

AND WE BEAT HIM UP

'CAUSE IT'S A DUMB NAME

HE'S OLD AND WEAKAND IT WAS EASY.

I DON'T LIKE BEING IRISH.

YOU KNOW, PUTTING AN IRISH GUYON THE BEACH

IS LIKE PUTTING A FORKIN THE MICROWAVE.

JUST SPARKS AND A LOT OF PAIN.

REALLY NOTHING LESS ATTRACTIVETHAN AN IRISH GUY ON THE BEACH.

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE REPULSIVE

THAN A HALF-NAKED IRISH MANIN PUBLIC?

I'M SITTING ON THE BEACHWITH MY FRIEND SEAN.

HE'S GOT FOUR FRECKLESON EACH SHOULDER.

THEY'RE EACH THIS BIG.

HUGE, BLOATED, ROUND STOMACH.

RED ON TOP, WHITE UNDERNEATH.

BUT THE BELLY BUTTON,IT JUST KEEPS GROWING

INTO A TUNNEL FILLEDWITH CORN CHIPS AND BEER TOPS.

SKINNY LEGS TREMBLINGUNDER THE WEIGHT OF THE BELLY.

ORANGE HAIR STICKING OUTOF HIS PITS.

AND HE'S DRINKING.

"HEY, FITZIE,WE'RE GOING TO GET LAID!"

"NOT UNLESS YOU WANTTO HAVE SEX WITH ME, SEAN

PUT SOME PANTS ON."

Man:YEAH.

YEAH, NEW YORK IS A FUNNY PLACE.

I WAS AT THE COFFEE SHOPLAST WEEK

AND I'M PAY THE CASHIERFOR MY CUP OF COFFEE

AND THE OTHER GIRL GOT SPRAYED

BY THE ESPRESSO MACHINEWITH THE HOT MILK

AND HER SHIRT WAS BURNING HER

AND SO SHE JUST RIPPED IT OFF

BUT SHE FORGOTSHE HAD NO BRA ON

AND SO SHE JUST RAN IN THE BACKAND THE CASHIER LOOKS AT ME

HE GOES, "THAT'LL BEAN EXTRA TWO BUCKS."

( laughter )

I JUST WALK AROUND NEW YORKALL DAY

GOING, "IT'S TOO CROWDED.

"THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE.

I NEED SOME SPACE."

SO I WENT TO OKLAHOMA.

I'M LIKE, "WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

"WE NEED SOME PEOPLE.

WHAT'S UP COW?"

EVERYBODY'S GOT A COW,YOU GO TO OKLAHOMA.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.EVERYBODY OWNS A COW.

YOU CAN'T EVEN BUY MILKIN OKLAHOMA.

THEY HAVE TO TATTOOMISSING KIDS' FACES

RIGHT ON THE COW'S ASS.

THAT'S...

I GET OFFSTAGE,THIS KID COMES UP TO ME

HE GOES, "HEY, MAN,YOU WANT TO GO SEE A COW?"

I GO, "SURE. I'M FROM NEW YORK.

NEVER SEEN A COW."

"YOU NEVER SEEN A COW?!"

I GO, "NO,I'VE NEVER SEEN A COW.

"HAVE YOU EVER SEENA CRACK ADDICT

"GET ON THE ELEVATOR?

WE'RE JUST DIFFERENT,THAT'S ALL."

( laughter )

AND I WAS DOING A BUNCHOF COLLEGE SHOWS

AND MY COLLEGE AGENT

TRICKED ME INTO DOINGA HIGH SCHOOL PROM SHOW

IN THIS TOWN IN OKLAHOMA.

IF YOU'RE IN OKLAHOMA,IT IS THE BIBLE BELT.

IT IS RIGHT-WING CHRISTIAN...

A LITTLE NAZI KINDOF A FEEL TO IT.

LIKE, YOU KNOW...LIKE BEFORE I GO ONSTAGE

THE PRINCIPAL COMES UP TO ME

HE GOES, "NOW, DON'T BEA WISEACRE UP THERE TONIGHT."

I'M LIKE, "I'M A COMEDIAN.YOU HIRED ME.

"WHAT, DO YOU HIRE A JUGGLER

AND GO, 'DON'T BE THROWINGSTUFF AROUND UP THERE TONIGHT'?"

SO I DID THE SHOW

AND IT WENT GREAT.

I GOT A STANDING OVATION.THE KIDS LOVED IT.

I WAS VERY CLEAN.

A WEEK LATER, I GET A LETTERSENT TO MY AGENT

FROM THE PRINCIPALOF THIS HIGH SCHOOL

COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SHOW

WHICH REALLY PISSED ME OFFBECAUSE THE SHOW WAS GOOD

AND THESE KIDS LIKED IT

AND THIS GUY'S JUST BEINGAN UPTIGHT...

I MEAN, WHATEVER.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M STILLCAUGHT UP IN IT.

IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

BUT I HAVE THE LETTERRIGHT HERE

AND I'D LIKE TO READ IT TO YOU.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTERFROM PLAINSVILLE, OKLAHOMA.

I DIDN'T MAKE THIS UP.THIS IS A TRUE LETTER.

"PLAINSVILLE, OKLAHOMA."

YOU COULD SEEIT'S THE ACTUAL HIGH SCHOOL

AND THERE'S THE LITTLE OKLAHOMAS.S. NAZI SYMBOL

RIGHT IN THE CORNER.

AND I JUST WANTED TO READ IT

JUST IN CASE THEY'RE WATCHING.

"DEAR R.E.O., WE HELD OURHIGH SCHOOL PROM THIS EVENING

"AND OUR ENTERTAINMENT WASCOMEDIAN GREG FITZSIMMONS.

"LET ME BE VERY FRANK.

"IT WAS THE MOST HUMILIATING

"EMBARRASSINGAND DEGRADING PERFORMANCE

I HAVE EVER WITNESSED AS PARTOF A HIGH SCHOOL ACTIVITY."

I'M KIND OF PROUD OF THAT.

( cheering and applause )

"WHAT MAKES IT MOST UNFORGIVABLE

"IS THAT BEFORE HIS PERFORMANCE

"HE WAS WARNED ABOUT TABOOSUBJECTS, LANGUAGE, ETCETERA

BY DR. DAVE THOMAS AND MYSELF."

DR. DAVE'S LIKE THE HEAD FUHRER

OF THE WHOLENAZI MOVEMENT THERE.

( laughter )

"HE APPARENTLY THOUGHTIT HUMOROUS

"TO DO EXACTLY THE OPPOSITEOF WHAT WAS INSTRUCTED.

HIS JOKES ABOUT HAVING SEXWITH HIS GRANDMOTHER..."

WHICH I DIDN'T DO.NO, I DIDN'T DO.

I DID THE JOKE WHERE I CALLMY GRANDMOTHER AND SHE'S NAKED.

THAT'S ALL I SAID.

APPARENTLY, THEN DR. DAVELAUNCHED INTO HIS OWN FANTASY

WHERE HE'S BANGINGMY GRANDMOTHER

AND NOW HE'S TRYINGTO PUT IT ON ME

BECAUSE HE'S A SICK BASTARDFROM OKLAHOMA.

"HE INVITED THE CLASSTO HIS MOTEL ROOM FOR KEG."

ALL RIGHT, I DID THAT.

I DID DO THAT.

"IF THIS IS THE ONLY WAYHE CAN BE HUMOROUS

"HE AND YOUR WHOLE COMPANYIS SICK

"AND SHOULD BE EMBARRASSEDTO MARKET SUCH FILTH.

"IF YOU ARE QUESTIONINGWHETHER I AM A BIBLE BEATER

NO, I AM NOT."

I THINK HE'S BEATINGSOMETHING ELSE

THINKING ABOUT MY GRANDMOTHER.

"I JUST FEEL THAT WHAT WE TRYSO HARD TO INSTILL

"IN OUR YOUNG PEOPLE CAN BEDASHED IN ONE HOUR OR LESS

BY SOME COMEDIAN THAT CAN LEAVETOWN AFTER DOING HIS DAMAGE."

THAT'S A PRETTY SOLIDMORAL SYSTEM

THEY'VE INSTILLEDIN THE YOUNG PEOPLE.

IF I CAN TELL JOKES FOR AN HOUR

AND DISRUPT THE WHOLE FABRICOF THEIR SOCIETY...

NEXT THEY'LL BE DANCING.

( laughter and applause )

"WE USED R.E.O.PROFESSIONAL ARTISTS LAST YEAR

AND WERE VERY SATISFIED WITHTHE HYPNOTIST THEY PERFORMED."

YEAH, IT FITS IN LINEWITH THEIR TEACHING METHODS.

IF I WAS A HYPNOTIST

I COULD HAVE REALLYSCREWED THESE KIDS UP.

LICK ME.

( laughter )

YOU ALL WANT TO LICK ME.

ANYWAY, THEY GO ON

AND THEY ASKEDFOR THE CHECK BACK

BUT I ALREADY CASHED IT

AND SPENT IT ON CRACKAND PORNO VIDEOS.

YOU KNOW,THAT MAGIC FEELING, AND I...

SO I ASKED MY FATHER.

I SAID, "DAD, IS...IS LOVE REAL?"

AND HE SAID, "NO...

"BUT HERPES IS,SO WATCH YOUR ASS."

AND I REMEMBER THINKING

WHY DID HE HAVETO TELL ME THAT THEN?

I REMEMBER STARING INTO HISBLISTERED FACE AND THINKING:

COULDN'T HE HAVE WAITED...?

( audience laughing hard )

BUT I THINK WHAT HE WAS SAYINGIS, ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM

AND THAT IS AN IMPORTANT LESSONTHAT YOU WANT TO TEACH YOUR SON.

'CAUSE IF YOUDON'T WEAR CONDOM

YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH EVERYPARTNER YOUR PARTNER EVER HAD

AND EVERY PARTNEREACH OF THOSE PARTNERS EVER HAD.

SO, THEORETICALLY,IF YOU HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN

WHO HAD SEX WITH A GUY, WHOSLEPT WITH YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND

THEORETICALLY, YOU COULDREALLY SCREW YOURSELF.

I THINK MY DAD JUST KIND OFHAD IT IN FOR ME.

HE JUST HAD THIS, LIKE,BIG GRUDGE.

APPARENTLY, HE LOST A LOTOF MONEY IN THE OFFICE POOL

WHEN I WAS BORN WHITE.

AND...

HOW IS THAT MY FAULT?

A LOT OF GUYS WANT A GIRLWHO'S PRETTY

AS THEIR GIRLFRIEND.

THEY WANT A GIRL WHO'S PRETTY

BUT DOESN'T KNOW SHE'S PRETTY.

THAT'S THE IDEAL GIRL

'CAUSE THAT ESSENTIALLY MEANSSHE'S PRETTY

BUT SHE LACKS SELF-ESTEEMSO THAT YOU'RE ABLE TO DATE HER.

YOU NEVER WANT A GIRLWHO FEELS GOOD ABOUT HERSELF

OR SHE'S NOT GOINGTO PUT UP WITH IT.

I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S, UH...

SHE'S A WONDERFUL GIRLAND I...

I'VE FINALLY BEEN ABLETO REALLY, LIKE, TRUST

AND HAVE INTIMACYWITH SOMEBODY

WHICH I'VE NEVERBEEN ABLE TO DO.

LIKE A LOT GUYS,I JUST HAVE A HARD TIME

GETTING REALLY THAT CONNECTED

AND, UH, WITH HER,I CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP

WITH HER IN MY ARMS...

( audience aahing )

...WHICH IS A BIG... YEAH.

SPOONS POSITION, RIGHT?

YEAH. WOMEN SMILE.THEY LOVE THE SPOONS.

YEAH. MEN... RATHER FORK.

FORKING IS...

YEAH.

AND SO, LAST WEEK,SHE WAS ASLEEP IN MY ARMS

AND I WAS AWAKE AND I WASJUST KIND OF LOOKING AT HER

AND-AND THINKINGABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVED HER

AND HOW LUCKY I WAS

THAT... AND I GUESSKIND OF PROUD OF MYSELF

THAT I HAD TRUSTED SOMEBODYTHIS MUCH

AND ALLOWED THEMTO BE THIS... THIS CLOSE

AND SHE FARTED.

AND ALL THE TRUST WAS GONE...EVERYTHING...

AND I DIDN'T SMELL ITOR HEAR IT

OR ANYTHING GROSS LIKE THAT.

IT WAS JUST LIKEA HOT BREATH ON MY THIGH.

( laughter )

AND I WOKE HER UP...

"COULD YOU NEVER DO THAT AGAIN?

"LET'S PRETEND WE STILLRESPECT EACH OTHER, OKAY?

"I'LL BE ON THE COUCHFOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS.

"WHY DON'T YOUHOP IN THE SHOWER

MAYBE THROWSOME FRESH PANTIES ON?"

IS INTERESTING BECAUSE THE THINGTHAT KEEPS IT ALIVE IS THE SEX.

WHEN YOU FIRST STARTHAVING SEX WITH SOMEBODY

YOU NEVER DISCUSSWHAT YOU LIKE AND DON'T LIKE.

RIGHT? YOU JUST TRY STUFF.

AND THEN THE OTHER PERSONEITHER GOES, "OH, YEAH..."

OR THEY GO,"HEY, DON'T DO THAT!"

AND YOU NEVER KNOW.

AND THAT TENSION IS GOOD.

YOU LIKE THAT.

THAT'S WHAT KEEPS IT EXCITING

AND YOU HAVE TO KEEP THATIN THE RELATIONSHIP.

NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU GO OUT

YOU HAVE TO KEEPINFUSING THE WEIRD, YOU KNOW.

AND SO, LIKE, MAYBE YOU'VEBEEN GOING OUT FOR SIX MONTHS

YOU COME HOME ONE NIGHT

YOU'VE HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS

YOU'RE LIKE, "HMM...

MAYBE I'LL SLAP HER ASS."

YOU DON'T KNOW WHY.

YOU'RE JUST CURIOUS IF SHE'SGOING TO LET YOU DO IT, RIGHT?

AND YOU DON'T JUSTSTART SLAPPING.

FIRST, YOU JUST GIVE IT

A COUPLE OF LITTLE TAPS.

COULD HAVE BEEN A SLAP,COULD HAVE BEEN AN ACCIDENT.

JUST FEELING HER OUT.

AND THEN, FINALLY,YOU GET YOUR NERVE TOGETHER

YOU RAISE YOUR HAND UP

AND THEN YOU GIVE HERTHAT ONE SLAP

AND THEN YOU WAIT.

( laughter )

( applause )

AND SHE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING

SO YOU GO, "ALL RIGHT!

HOW ABOUT THAT? SLAP! WHOO!"

AND YOU'LL JUST CONTINUE

DOING MORE AND MOREWEIRD THINGS, YOU KNOW

UNTIL, FINALLY,YOU DO THAT ONE THING

AND YOU JUST CROSS THE LINE

AND SHE JUST STOPSAND GOES, "HEY, WHAT THE...?!"

AND YOU GO,"SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW."

AS A SINGLE COUPLE,WE ARE NO LONGER ABLE

TO HANG AROUNDWITH MARRIED COUPLES

'CAUSE THEY CANNOTBE IN OUR PRESENCE

WITHOUT GETTING VERY ANNOYING.

RIGHT? IT'S ALWAYSTHE SAME THING:

"WHEN ARE YOU GUYSGETTING MARRIED, HUH?

"WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?"

"WHEN ARE YOU GUYSGETTING MARRIED?"

"WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?!"

"WHEN ARE YOUGOING TO GET MARRIED?!"

"WHEN ARE YOU GOINGTO GET MARRIED?!"

"I DON'T KNOW.YOU'RE MARRIED.

"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DIE?

"'CAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED.

"DEATH WOULD BE NEXT.

"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DIE?

"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DIE?"

'CAUSE THEY HATE IT.

THEY SCREWED UP AND YOU'RE FREE

AND THEY'RE PISSED OFF ABOUT IT.

AND THEN THEY WANT YOUTO JOIN IN.

"COME ON! COME ON WITH US!

"WE ALL GOT MARRIED!

"IT'S HORRIBLE.

COME ON!"

IN A SHOE STORE THE OTHER DAY.

SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.

JUST FREE, YOU KNOW. NATURAL.

SHE WAS IN THE MIRROR

JUST, LIKE, SPINNING AROUNDAND SINGING, YOU KNOW.

AND HER MOTHER COMES OVERAND GRABS HER.

"RELAX!

"RELAX!

RELAX!"

IT WAS, LIKE, HOLY ( bleep )!

SHE'S NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTANDWHAT THAT WORD MEANS.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THAT'SNOT HOW YOU SAY IT.

YOU CAN'T SAY "RELAX" LIKE THAT.

SHE'S GOING TO BE 30

AND SOME GUYWILL BE RUBBING HER SHOULDERS

GOING, "OH, BABY, RELAX."

AND SHE'LL BE LIKE,"OOH, DANGER!"

AND THAT'S WHY KIDS ACT OUT.

THAT'S WHY AS SOON AS YOU CAN

YOU JUST START DRINKING,AS A KID, YOU KNOW.

AND THAT'S WHEN IT'S FUN.

WHEN YOU'RE NOT 21,IT'S GREAT TO DRINK

BECAUSE YOU'RENOT ALLOWED TO, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE A REBEL.YOU GOT TO, LIKE, GET FAKE I.D.

YOU GOT TO FIND A PLACETO DRINK IT.

YOU GOT TO SNEAK IN DRUNK,YOU KNOW.

AND THEN IF YOU GET AWAYWITH ALL OF THAT

YOU'RE LAYING IN BED,YOUR HEART'S POUNDING

YOU GOT VOMIT ON YOUR CHIN.

YOU'RE LIKE, "I'M A REBEL!"

AND YOU ARE. YOU'RE COOL.

BUT THEN THE DAY YOU TURN 21,THE REVOLUTION'S OVER.

I GET A LOT OF MY FRIENDS

THAT KIND OF MISSED THE TURN,YOU KNOW.

THEY'RE LIKE 32, LIVING IN THEIRPARENTS' BASEMENT

STILL WEARING THE HIGH SCHOOLFOOTBALL JACKET, DRUNK.

"I'M A REBEL!"

"NO. NOW YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC!"

I'M MOVING IN FEBRUARY

AND I'M A LITTLE FRIGHTENED.

L.A. ANNOYS MEBECAUSE EVERYBODY THINKS

THEY'RE IN SHOW BUSINESS

LIKE EVERYBODY,IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER.

I WENT TO THE GAS STATIONYESTERDAY

AND THE GAS STATION ATTENDANT

TOLD ME THAT HE WASA FORMER PORNO MOVIE STAR.

AND I THINK HE WAS SERIOUS

BECAUSE HALFWAY THROUGHFILLING THE TANK

HE PULLED IT OUT AND SPRAYED ITALL OVER THE CAR.

( laughter )

BUT L.A. IS VERY CONSCIOUS...

EVERYBODY IS VERY CONSCIOUS

OF THEIR LOOKSAND THEIR PHYSICALITY--

OBSESSED WITH THE GYM.

AND I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTANDTHE WHOLE WEIGHTLIFTING THING

BECAUSE... I'M NOT GAY.

BUT I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

I'VE PROCESSED THE POSSIBILITYTHAT I'M GAY

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO AND THERE'SNOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

YOU CAN'T JUDGE THAT.

YOU HAVE TO HONESTLYLOOK WITHIN

'CAUSE ANYBODY COULD BE GAY.

IT'S LIKE BEINGA RIGHTY OR LEFTY

BUT YOU HAVETO HAVE THE COURAGE

TO TAKE THAT ONE MINUTEIN YOUR LIFE

AND JUST STOP, AND JUST GO,"WAIT. I COULD BE GAY...

NO, I'M NOT."

OR... "YEAH, I AM."

OR... "I'M AFRAIDTO THINK ABOUT IT.

"I'M JUST GOINGTO LIFT WEIGHTS.

I'M NOT GAY!"

'CAUSE THERE'S NO REASONTO LIFT WEIGHTS

UNLESS YOU'RE JUSTSO AFRAID THAT YOU'RE GAY

THAT YOU'RE JUST GOINGTO SUBLIMATE THAT FEAR

BY LIFTING WEIGHTSFOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

'CAUSE... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE, IT'S 1998.

THERE'S NO REASON TO BE HUGE.

IT'S ALWAYS SOME HUGE GUY.

IT'S, LIKE,"WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?"

( growling )

"COMPUTER PROGRAMMER."

HMM...

"EVER THINK YOU MIGHT BEA GAY COMPUTER PROGRAMMER?"

IT'S ALWAYS TWO GUYSWORKING OUT TOGETHER, YOU KNOW.

THEY COME IN DRESSED ALIKE.

THEY GOTTHE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO PANTS ON.

AND THEY JUSTSPOT EACH OTHER A LOT.

YOU KNOW,ONE GUY'S ON THE BENCH.

THE OTHER GUY'S GOT HIS CROTCHOVER HIS FACE.

"TWO MORE!"

( growling )

AND THEY GOT ALL SWEATY,THEY HIT THE SHOWER TOGETHER.

IT'S LIKE...

( growling )

GOOD WORKOUT, BUDDY.

( growling )

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