@midnight
Season 1

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01072
  • 06/03/2014

Kristen Schaal, Max Silvestri and Nick Thune guess which Kim Kardashian portrait got the most views on deviantART, name #SexyFoods and list chapters for awful books on Amazon.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

WHAT?

>> OH, YEAH!

>> WAIT, WHAT!

>> I'M SO EXCITED!

>> ARE YOU?

>> NO.

>> LAST WEEK, KANYE AND KIMKARDASHIAN WEDDING PICTURE SET

THE WORLD RECORD FOR MOST LIKESON INSTAGRAM, AND NOW A NEW

IMAGE IS TRENDING. THIS.CLASSY?

SOME GUY IN THE BACK LITERALLYWENT, AWH.

HE COULD NOT HANDLE THE CONCEPTOF THIS.

THIS CLASSY PORTRAIT OF KIMPAINTED BY A STREET ARTIST, THIS

IS THE PERFECT PAINTING FOR YOURLIVING ROOM IF YOU ARE 1980S

LARRY FLYNT.

KANYE PAID MORE THAN FIVEFIGURES FOR IT.

BUT HE COULD HAVE FOUND PIECESLESS EXPENSIVE ON DEVIANTART.COM

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING KIMKARDASHIAN HAS THE MOST VIEWS

YES, THESE GOING TO BE AMAZING.

A, THIS KIM KARDASHIAN HORSEHYBRID

>> SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S LOOKINGFOR HER CAR KEYS.

B, THIS THAT LOOKS LIKE ANDRETHE GIANT WITH EVEN BIGGER BOOBS

C, THIS ONE THAT HAS SHOCKINGLYBIBLICAL UNDERTONES

WHICH ONE OF THOSE GOT THE MOSTVIEWS?

KRISTEN.

>> OH, A.

>> OH, LET'S FIND OUT.

YES, OF COURSE, IT WAS A.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> YAY!

>> WELL DONE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> BONUS QUESTION-- WHAT WEDDINGPRESENT WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE

KIM AND KANYE?

KRISTEN.

>> I GUESS I WOULD GIVE THEM MYFRIENDSHIP BECAUSE THAT'S, YOU

KNOW, MORE EXPENSIVE THAN ANYMONEY THEY'LL EVER HAVE.

AND THEN, YOU KNOW, I'LL BE JUSTHANGING OUT WITH THEM AND THEN,

LIKE, BEYONCE AND JAY-Z WOULD BEAROUND.

I'D BE LIKE, OH, HEY.

YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH THEM?

I'M FRIENDS WITH THEM.

>> I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE TOSTOP YOU.

THIS ISN'T REALLY GOING TOHAPPEN.

>> THAT'S MY WEDDING PRESENT.

>> OH, ( BLEEP ) I'M SORRY.

>> DON'T BE JEALOUS BECAUSE YOUDON'T HAVE MY FRIENDSHIP.

>> OOOH!

>> NEXT ONE.

NOW, WE HAVE A LOT OF FUN HERETODAY WITH OUR GOOFS, OUR SPOOF

BUT A SERIOUS PIECE OF NEWS HITTHE NET TODAY THAT WE'LL WANT TO

BRING SOME ATTENTION TO.

A WITTLE PUPPY WUPPY NAMED THORWAS SO SWEEPY HE COULDN'T GET

OUT OF MOMMY AND DADDY'S BED.

SO SAD.

>> YOU HAVE TO GET UP.

YOU CANNOT LAY DOWN ALL DAY.

COME ON.

LET'S GO.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

>> COMED YEPS PLEASE SAYSOMETHING, ANYTHING, TO GET THIS

LAZY PIECE OF ( BLEEP ) OUT OFBED.

NICK, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> GET UP.

THIS PEANUT BUTTER ISN'T GOINGTO LICK ITSELF OFF MY (BLEEP)

( APPLAUSE )>> POINTS.

>> I JUST TRY TO KEEP IT CLASSY.

>> DEAR THOR, IF YOU DON'T GETOUT OF BED RIGHT NOW I'M GOING

TO MAKE YOU WATCH ALL THEAMCS "HELL ON WHEELS."

>> PERSONALLY, FIND THEPROGRAMMING ON A.M.C. IS OF THE

HIGHEST QUALITY.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( LAUGHTER )

>> THAT--UN, NO ONE HAS YETBROUGHT "PRICE IS RIGHT" ENERGY

TO THE SHOW.

>> I HEARD WE GET REAL MONEYTONIGHT.

>> OH!

>> YES.

>> REAL MONEY.

>> YUP.

( LAUGHTER )AS FAR AS YOU KNOW NOW, THAT'S

TRUE.

ONE OF THE TOP U.S. TRENDS ONTWITTER HAS BEEN OREO CINNAMON

ROLES BECAUSE OF A DELICIOUSRECIPE THAT WENT VIRAL.

THAT'S A RECIPE?

THOSE ARE SOME SEXY BUNS.

IN HONOR OF THE HOT STICKY BUNSTONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS SEXY FOODS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE WHOREOS, ORDEVIL DONGS, OR TUNA ASSEROLE.

THAT JUST MADE THAT WORSE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK.

>> MACARONI AND CHEESE AND( BLEEP ).

>> POINT.

KRISTEN.

>> IN AND OUT DOUBLEPENETRATION.

>> YES, YES, POINTS, YES.

MAX.

>> SHAVED PARMESEAN.>> OR WAXED. YES, POINTS. NICK.

>> BOW TIE AND NOTHING ELSEPASTA.

>> KRISTEN.

>> QUEEF WELLINGTON.

>> POINTS. MAX

>> FETTUCINE AL-( BLEEP )-YOU.

>> NICK.

>> FOOT-WIDE HOT DOGS.

>> POINTS.

>> MENAGE-A-TWOCOLATE.>> YEAH, I'LL GIVE THAT TO YOU.

>> P.B. AND B.J.

>> POINTS.

DON'T SWING A HOME RUN.

AMAZON BOOK FAIR

( APPLAUSE )AMAZON HAS OVER 12 MILLION

BOOKS.

SO, YOU KNOW, THEY CAN'T ALL BEDOSTOEVSKY OR "HARRY POTTER."

I'M GOING TO SHOW THE COVER OFLESSER KNOWN WORKS WE FOUND ON

AMAZON AND I WANT YOU TO TELL METHE NAME OF A CHAPTER YOU THINK

SHOULD BE IN IT.

FIRST ONE: CRAFTING WITH CATHAIR.

NICK.

>> CHAPTER 10-- TROUBLESHOOTING.

SO YOU KILLED YOUR CAT.

>> THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING TOSAY.

>> POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS IS GOOD.

HOW TO DATE A WHITE WOMAN, APRACTICAL GUIDE FOR ASIAN MEN.

NICK THUNE, WHAT'S A CHAPTER INTHIS BOOK.

>> CHAPTER 8: EXPLAINING TO HERGRANDFATHER THAT YOU'RE CHINESE

AND HAD NOTHING TO DO WITHPEARL HARBOR.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHAPTER 4, APPROACHING HER

CAVERNOUS VAGINA.

>> POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )>> THAT'S BECAUSE WHITE WOMEN

ALL HAVE HUGE VAGINE AS.

>> OH, MY GOODNESS, YES.

>> IT'S ALL RELATIVE, LADYLADIES.

IT'S ALL RELATIVE.

>> YOU'LL FIND THE RIGHT GUY.

>> NEXT ONE, ASS GOBLINS OFAUSCHWITZ.

WHAT'S THE CHAPTER FROM THISBOOK?

MAX?

>> HEIL, (BLEEP)LER

>> IT WAS RIGHT THERE THE WHOLETIME. POINTS. NICK.

>> CHAPTER NINE, NEIN!

>> WELL PLAYED.

WELL PLAYED, MR POLYMATH.

KRISTEN.

>> CHAPTER 13-- UP THE BUTTFROM GERBILS TO GOEBBELS.

>> OH, THAT WAS SO GOOD. POINTS.

POINTS!>> IS THAT YOURS POINTS DANCE?

>> SHAKE THOSE OWL EYES, BABY!

>> WHY AM I DOING THIS FOR YOU?

>> DON'T LET HIM TREAT YOU LIKETHAT.

YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY WHY I'MDANCING LIKE A MONKEY.

>> JUST FOR A SECOND I FELT LIKEI WAS GETTING ( BLEEP ) BY A

MUSTACHE.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS.

>> YEAH, YOU ALWAYS FEEL THATWAY.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> POINT!

POINTS, KRISTEN SCHAAL

NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

ANYBODY CAN BE COOL, BUT AWESOMETAKES PRACTICE. NICK.

>> CHAPTER 3-- BUY CIGARETTESFOR A THIRD GRADER.

>> YOU WOULD LOOK TOTALLY COOLIF YOU DID THAT.

POINT.

>> CHAPTER ONE-- YOU BOUGHT THISBOOK TOO LATE.

RIFF RAFF PADDY WACK

NOW, IF BY SOME REASON YOU'RENOT FAMILIAR WITH THE MUSICAL

ARTIST RIFFRAFF, HE'S A WHITERAPPER WITH CORN ROWS.

THE INSPIRATION FOR JAMESFRANCO'S CHARACTER IN "SPRING

BREAKERS, AND WHAT WOULDHAPPEN IF FLORIDA BECAME A

PERSON.

NATURALLY THIS MAN HAS ACOMPELLING INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT.

YOU HAVE TO TELL US WHICH ONE ISAN ACTUAL RIFFRAFF PHOTOGRAPH,

GIVE YOUR DOG A BONE. FIRST ONE--

A BOX OF LUNCHABLES WHERE THECHEESE HAS BEEN MELTED IN THE

MICROWAVE CALLED "VERSACENACHOS." WHY NOT "VERSACHOS"?

OR A FISH TANK FILLED WITH WINECOOLERS AND DEAD FISH.

NICK.

>> FISH TANK.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIND OUT.

NO! VERSACHOS.

VERSACE NACHOS.

IT'S GOOD TO MICROWAVE PLASTICWITH CHEESE IN IT.

SORRY, NO POINTS.

>> ALSO, DID VERSACE DIED FORTHIS JOKE?

>> HE WAS MURDERED.

>> WELL-- YOU DIE, WHEN YOU'RE( LAUGHTER )

>> MURDERED.

>> SHE WAS NOT HAVING THAT ATALL.

( APPLAUSE )>> POINTS?

>> WHAT?

( CHEERS )

>> YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU 100POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

A STRIPPER DRESSED LIKE PRINCESSPEACH CHUGGING A SMIRNOFF ICE,

OR, A PHOTO OF RIFF RAFF SOMEHOWRIDING A GIANT CHEETO. KRISTEN.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH THEGIANT CHEATO RIDE.

>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD BERIGHT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

YES!

THE RATING IS THE HARDEST PART.

>> YES!

>> VIDEO GAMES COME WITH LOTS OFWARNING THAT TELL PARENTS WHAT

THEIR CHILDREN WILL TELL A GRANDJURY LATER.

YOU KNOW, STUFF THAT'S COOL.

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TOGIVE ME AS MANY BAD VIDEO GAME

RATINGS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES NICK.

>> SPECIFIC AND UNWARRANTEDRACISM.

>> POINTS

MAX.

>> FEATURES EXPLICIT JAZZ.

>> YES, POINTS, POINTS.

NICK.

>> STUPID PRINCESS WHO GETSEASILY KIDNAPPED.

>> YES. PRINCESS PEACH!

WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTINGKIDNAPPED BY JADE MONKEY

>> MAY CAUSE SALON BLOG POSTS.

>> POINTS.

NICK.

>> THE SENSE OF VALIDATION THATYOU GET FROM COMPLETING THIS

WILL NEVER BE UNDERSTOOD BY THEOUTSIDE WORLD.

( BLEEP ) YOU, DAD!

>> POINTS. POINTS.

KRISTEN.

>> PREVENTS YOU FROM WRITINGYOUR ONE-MAN SHOW.

GOOD OR BAD.

>> POINTS.

MAX.

>> RATED 2 B-- SO INTENSE YOU'LLHAVE TO GO NUMBER TWO IN BAGS.

>> POINTS!

KRISTEN.

>> TITS, BUT NOT GOOD ONES.

>> POINTS!

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