CC Presents: Laura Kightlinger

  • Season 7, Ep 8
  • 03/27/2003

YOU KNOW, I WOULD HONESTLY--

I'D LIKE TO MAKE A MEANINGFUL

CONNECTION WITH YOU TONIGHT.

I-- I--

BY MEANINGFUL, I MEAN,

DOES ANYONE HAVE WEED?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Male Voice: ALWAYS.

(LAUGHTER)

Laura Kightlinger: ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

(LAUGHTER)

I-- ACTUALLY...

MY OBJECTIVE TONIGHT IS TO MAKE

A CONNECTION WITH YOU IN BETWEEN

COMMERCIAL BREAKS.

AND THIS IS HOW--

THIS IS HOW I'M PLANNING ON

DOING IT.

I THOUGHT I WOULD JUST BE HONEST

AND SHOW YOU WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

THIS IS ME.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS HOW I LOOK WITHOUT

MAKE-UP OR SKIN OR MUSCLE

TISSUE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLES)

AND I KNOW SOME OF YOU GUYS

ARE PROBABLY SAYING, "THAT'S NOT

BAD.

I ACTUALLY FEEL THE NATURAL

SKULLS TO THE REAL, HARD,

FAKE ONES."

AND FOR THAT, I THANK YOU.

I-- LISTEN, I GUESS, YOU KNOW,

I'M REALLY--

DESPITE WHAT THIS MIGHT LOOK

LIKE I'M NOT A BIG DRINKER.

UM...

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I THINK, YOU KNOW,

YOU'VE GOTTA ADMIT, TODAY WAS

A PERFECT DAY TO STAY INSIDE

AND DRINK.

I MEAN, WASN'T IT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND YESTERDAY WAS EVEN BETTER.

THIS PAST DECADE, YOU KNOW,

WE COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR

BETTER DRINKING WEATHER.

WE JUST-- YOU KNOW?

IN FACT, ACCORDING TO THE

DRINKER'S ALMANAC THIS IS

THE BEST POLITICAL CLIMATE

FOR DRINKING SINCE 1825.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH A COINCIDENTALLY WAS

THE LAST TIME WE HAD THE SON OF

A FORMER PRESIDENT IN OFFICE.

IT WAS JOHN ADAMS'S SON,

JOHN QUINCY OR Q, AS THEY CALLED

HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I JUST THINK, YOU KNOW, BY

ELECTING JUST, TO ME, YOU KNOW,

ELECTING W. PROVES THAT

AMERICANS ARE SUCKERS FOR FAMILY

BUSINESSES NO MATTER HOW

DYSFUNCTIONAL OR INCOMPETENT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, BUSH AND SON, LEADING

AMERICA TO WAR SINCE 1990.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

FEELS RIGHT.

JUST FEELS GOOD.

YOU KNOW, WHENEVER REPUBLICANS

ARE IN OFFICE, YOU SEE THE WORD

"SODOMY" IN THE NEWSPAPER.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, PERSONALLY, I'VE NEVER

BEEN INTERESTED IN BACKDOOR SEX.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S ALL I CAN DO TO

KEEP THE FRONT ENTRANCE NICE

FOR COMPANY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, SWEEPING THE WALK,

TRIMMING THE HEDGE.

YOU KNOW I'M ONE OF THESE WOMEN.

I KEEP THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

ON MY SNOOTCH ALL YEAR ROUND.

AND-- YOU KNOW, IT'S BECAUSE,

YOU KNOW, WHAT IF PEOPLE ARE

IN FROM OUT OF TOWN, YOU KNOW?

THERE AREN'T LIGHTS ANYWHERE

ELSE ON MY BODY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ACTUALLY, MY BOYFRIEND AND I--

THIS WAS KIND OF A--

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

MY GIRLFRIEND AND I?

(MEN CHEER LOUDLY)

OKAY.

MY GIRLFRIEND AND I WERE TALKING

ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, I DO HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

YEAH, I'VE GOT A BOYFRIEND

AT HOME AND ONE ON THE WAY.

NO.

(LAUGHTER)

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT GETTING

MARRIED.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHY I WANT TO.

I'M NOT, YOU KNOW, SENTIMENTAL

OR RELIGIOUS OR EVEN STRAIGHT.

BUT I JUST...

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH, I THINK, FOR ME, IT WOULD

MEAN SOMETHING TO BE ABLE

TO CALL FRIENDS AND RELATIVES

AND SAY, "IT'S OFFICIAL."

YOU KNOW WE CAN START REFERRING

TO IT AS SPOUSAL ABUSE.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

TONIGHT.

I'LL LET YOU KNOW A LOT OF

PEOPLE THINK WHAT I DO IS

DIFFICULT.

AND AT THE RISK OF RUINING

MY OWN MYSTIQUE I'M GONNA JUST

BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.

I'M GONNA SHARE WITH YOU THE

FIRST THREE STEPS OF MY PATENTED

SYSTEM OF COMEDY, OF HOW TO BE

A STAND-UP, CALLED "10 STEPS

TO FUNNY".

AND THIS IS HOW YOU CAN ALL BE

A STAND-UP IF YOU WANT TO.

I'M JUST GONNA SHOW YOU HOW YOU

DO IT.

OKAY, NOW, FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS

WHAT I DO.

STEP NUMBER ONE IS MENTAL

PREPARATION.

AND WHAT I DO BEFORE I HIT

THE STAGE, I CONCENTRATE ON THE

OBVIOUS SIMILARITIES BETWEEN

STAND-UP AND SEX.

SO, OKAY, THE MIKE IS SHAPED

LIKE A PENIS.

NOW, WHEN I COME OUT HERE

AND I TAKE THE MIKE IT'S LIKE

GRABBING A PENIS.

AND FOR THE FIRST FEW SECONDS,

YOU KNOW, I FEEL SEXY AND

IN CONTROL.

AND THEN THAT FEELING IS QUICKLY

REPLACED BY, "AH, (BLEEP),

HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA TAKE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

STEP TWO: TELLING JOKES.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SAY TO ME,

"LAURA, I'M NOT ONLY HUMORLESS,

I'M DUMB, TOO."

NOW, HOW AM I GOING TO COME UP

WITH SOMETHING FUNNY TO SAY?"

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BECAUSE,

REMEMBER, IF IT SOUNDS FUNNY,

IT IS FUNNY.

NOW, I'VE BEEN DOING STAND-UP

FOR OVER A DECADE AND I'VE

WRITTEN FOUR, MAYBE FIVE JOKES.

BECAUSE--

(APPLAUSE)

I WANT--

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY BUST A NUT WHEN YOU HAVE

SOMETHING CALLED A NEWSPAPER?

THANKS.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU JUST PICK UP A NEWSPAPER,

FIND A HEADLINE AND RIFF ON IT.

OKAY?

SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT.

ALL RIGHT, FOR EXAMPLE,

ALL RIGHT, "IRAQ HAS NOT

PROVIDED ACCURATE INFORMATION

ON SHORT-RANGE ROCKET."

TELL ME ABOUT IT, AM I RIGHT,

LADIES?

THEY THINK THREE INCHES IS THIS.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH THESE

GUYS, LADIES?

OKAY AND YOU CHECK IN WITH

THE LADIES AND THE MEN IN THE

AUDIENCE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

OKAY, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

"BUSH DOESN'T DELIVER."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THIS ONE DOES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

PIPING HOT TO YOUR FRONT DOOR IN

30 MINUTES OR THE PIE'S ON ME.

SEE?

SEE HOW SIMPLE IT IS?

YOU JUST LIKE TAKE SOMETHING

AND YOU RIFF ON IT.

NOW, WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT

INTERESTED IN CURRENT EVENTS,

THEN WHAT?

STEP THREE, YOU USE THE

AUDIENCE.

YOU MAKE THEM LAUGH AT

THEMSELVES, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

SO HOW MANY WHITE PEOPLE WE HAVE

IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHITE PEOPLE?

OH, WHITE PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, YOU GUYS ARE COOL.

YOU'RE COOL BUT--

AND YOU'RE FRIENDLY UNTIL

I'M STANDING BEHIND YOU IN THE

ATM LINE AND THEN YOU'RE

ALL LIKE THINKING I'M GONNA BE

ROBBING YOU AND STEALING YOUR

(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FUN AND EASY, ANYBODY CAN DO IT.

BUT WHY DO IT?

WHY, WHY DO STAND-UP?

TO GIVE, OKAY?

TO GIVE OF YOURSELF; THAT'S WHY

I DO IT.

AND WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT

STAND-UP IS SUCH A SELFLESS

PROFESSION.

YOU KNOW, THE ONLY DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN ME AND A SURGEON OR A

PEDIATRICIAN IS THAT WHEN I

APPROACH A COUPLE WITH A CHILD

AND SAY, "I'D LIKE TO KEEP HIM

FOR A FEW DAYS AND DO SOME

BLOOD WORK," IT'S CONSIDERED

INAPPROPRIATE.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE CALLS ME ON THE PHONE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SHE CALLS ME ON THE PHONE

AND SHE TELLS ME SHE SAW A MOVIE

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE NAME

OF THE MOVIE OR ANYONE IN IT.

AND SO SHE STARTS WITH, "WELL,

WE SAW A MOVIE LAST NIGHT WITH

WHAT'S-HER-FACE."

I'M LIKE, "MOM, DON'T, PLEASE.

I'M BEGGING YOU, DON'T."

"EVERYONE THINKS SHE'S PRETTY

BUT I DON'T THINK SHE'S SO

PRETTY.

I THINK SHE'S GOT A HORSY FACE."

"I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW,

SARAH JESSICA PARKER?"

"NO, NO, IT'S THE ONE WITH

ALL THE TEETH."

"JULIA ROBERTS?"

"YEAH, SO SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH

THIS GUY."

"OH, MOM, YOU KNOW, THAT COULD

BE ANYBODY."

"NO, IT'S THE GUY, YOU KNOW,

THE GUY WITH THE ACCENT."

"HUGH GRANT?"

"YEAH, YEAH.

"OKAY, OKAY."

AND I HAVE TO DO THIS TO KIND

OF LIKE WRAP IT UP.

I'M LIKE--

"OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I KNOW WHAT YOU SAW.

I THINK I SAW THIS MOVIE MYSELF.

THIS IS THE ONE WHERE JULIA

PUTS HER HAND IN A BOWL OF BACON

GREASE AND THEN SHE FISTS

HUGH GRANT."

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE SAYS--

(APPLAUSE)

"I DON'T REMEMBER THAT."

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YOU SAW

PRETTY RUNAWAY FIST.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAW."

"NO, I DON'T THINK THAT WAS IT."

"YES, IT WAS."

AND THEN SHE KEEPS GOING,

"YOU KNOW WHAT WE WERE GONNA SEE

BUT IT WAS SOLD-OUT?"

"MOM, CAN YOU HOLD ON

TWO SECONDS?

I JUST WANNA SEE IF THIS ROPE

IS GONNA BE STRONG ENOUGH TO

HOLD ME.

YEAH, I'M SORRY, GO ON.

WHAT WERE YOU GONNA SEE BUT IT

WAS SOLD-OUT?"

"WE WERE GOING TO SEE..."

(LAUGHTER)

THEN SHE GOES ON, "YOU KNOW WHAT

WE WERE GONNA SEE?

WE WERE GONNA GO SEE THE MOVIE

WITH THAT GIRL THAT EVERYBODY

THINKS IS REALLY CUTE BUT I

DON'T THINK SHE'S THAT CUTE."

"AH, I HAVE NO IDEA."

"WELL, SHE'S REALLY PLAIN

LOOKING.

ACTUALLY, SHE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE

YOU."

"OH, SANDRA BULLOCK."

"AH, YEAH, AND THEN SHE FALLS

FOR THIS GUY, YOU KNOW, AND HE'S

GOT AN ACCENT."

"OH, CHRIST, MOM.

IT'S HUGH GRANT.

IT'S ALWAYS HUGH GRANT.

IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE HUGH GRANT

NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE SEEING,

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO,

IT'S HUGH GRANT.

MA, ARE YOU-- IT'S-- BREAK-- MA?

ARE--

AM I--"

(APPLAUSE)

I DON'T PRETEND THAT THE PHONE'S

GOING OUT WHEN I'M TALKING

TO MY MOTHER.

I REALLY DON'T.

OKAY, SOMETIMES I DO.

BUT I DO--

THAT IS ONE THING I REALLY LIKE

ABOUT CELL PHONES IS I CAN'T--

I-- I-- ME?

CAN YOU STILL--

THAT'S (BLEEP).

I'VE GIVEN AWAY A BIG SECRET

NOW.

THAT, NOW I CAN'T DO THAT

ANYMORE PROBABLY.

BUT I PROBABLY WILL.

I'M VERY CLOSE TO MY MOTHER.

AND--

WELL, IN FACT, I SLEPT WITH MY

MOTHER UNTIL I WAS 9 YEARS OLD.

(APPLAUSE)

AND, AH, YEAH, I MEAN, IT WAS

OKAY FOR THE FIRST FEW YEARS AND

THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

IT JUST, YOU KNOW, I JUST

COULDN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

I MEAN, JUST SLEEPING WITH THE

SAME WOMAN NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.

BORING.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

I SEEM LIKE THE WARM, SNUGGLY

PRO-FAMILY TYPE BUT I'M NOT.

I, AH, AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY PEOPLE PROCREATE WHEN THERE

ARE KIDS HERE ALREADY WHO NEED

TO BE EXPLOITED, IGNORED AND

ABUSED.

I--

WHAT ABOUT THESE KIDS?

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY CHAPS

MY ASS ARE THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE

FERTILITY DRUGS.

YOU KNOW, AND WHEN YOU SEE THEM

INTERVIEWED THEY SAY, "IT'S A

BLESSING.

GOD WANTED US TO HAVE EIGHT

HEALTHY TWO-POUND BABIES."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, I SAY WHAT ABOUT WHEN THEY

WEREN'T ABLE TO HAVE KIDS IN THE

FIRST PLACE?

HOW COULD GOD BE ANY CLEARER

THAN THAT?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW?

THAT WAS A SIGN FROM GOD THAT

YOUR PARTICULAR LINE IS ONE THAT

HE'S TRYING TO PHASE OUT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS)

AND, YOU KNOW, INSTEAD OF

LETTING HIM CUT HIS LOSSES

YOU TAKE A PILL AND BEGIN

THE GENETIC FREAK SHOW.

AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN I HEAR ABOUT

WOMEN GIVING BIRTH TO FIVE KIDS

OR MORE I CAN'T EVEN WRAP

MY HEAD AROUND IT.

I JUST IMAGINE THAT THERE'S

A WOMAN SOMEWHERE LYING IN

A GARAGE ON A TOWEL, YOU KNOW,

WITH BABIES CRAWLING ALL OVER

HER TRYING TO GET AT ONE OF HER

EIGHT NIPPLES.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, AND FRIENDS AND

NEIGHBORS, YOU KNOW, STOP BY,

TAKE A PEEK AND, YOU KNOW,

INEVITABLY, YOU KNOW, A KID WILL

BEG HIS MOTHER, "MOM, CAN I HAVE

ONE, PLEASE, PLEASE, CAN I HAVE

ONE?

I PROMISE I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

I PROMISE I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT."

"OH, YOU SAY THAT NOW BUT I KNOW

DAMN WELL I'LL BE THE ONE THAT

WINDS UP BREAST FEEDING IT."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW THE WOMEN IN

AFGHANISTAN STILL AREN'T SAFE

AND I FIND THAT VERY UPSETTING.

AND, YOU KNOW, THE BASIC THINGS

THAT WE TAKE FOR GRANTED

LIKE READING A BOOK CAN COST

A WOMAN OVER THERE HER LIFE.

AND THAT'S WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT

TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT BOOK.

I--

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, LISTEN.

I KNOW I'M ONLY ONE WOMAN.

BUT IF I COULD SEND A MESSAGE TO

THE BRAVE AFGHANI WOMEN IT'D BE,

"IF YOU READ ONLY ONE BOOK

BEFORE A RELIGIOUS NUT THROWS

ACID IN YOUR FACE MAKE SURE

IT'S ELIZABETH TAYLOR,

'MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH JEWELRY'."

YOU KNOW?

COME ON.

IT'S VERY EMPOWERING.

AND WOMEN NEED TO HEAR IT,

YOU KNOW?

WOMEN NEED TO.

I HAD A MASSAGE A COUPLE

LIKE MY NECK HURTS AND MY BACK

HURTS.

AND I WAS JUST THINK--

GOD, I HOPE IT WAS A MASSAGE.

IF IT WASN'T THEN IT WAS THE

MOST EMBARRASSING FIGHT

I'VE EVER BEEN IN.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT I ENJOY SINCE

IT'S JUST US?

I LIKE BASEBALL MOVIES.

I MEAN, WHAT IS IT, YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

WHAT IS IT ABOUT A SUCKY,

UNDERDOG TEAM TRAINING HARD

AND THEN WINNING FIVE MINUTES

BEFORE THE END OF A MOVIE THAT

JUST NEVER GETS OLD, YOU KNOW?

IT'S A DELIGHT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, AMERICA LOVES

AN UNDERDOG.

THEY LOVE SURPRISINGLY AGILE,

YOU KNOW, FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE

RETARDS LIKE GUMP.

THAT'S WHAT WE LOVE.

SO I DECIDED TO MAKE SOME MONEY

THIS YEAR AND I'M GOING TO WRITE

A SCREENPLAY COMBINING THESE

TWO CONCEPTS.

HOPEFULLY, IT'LL BE THE

FEEL-GOOD MOVIE TO END ALL

FEEL-GOOD MOVIES AS IF THAT

COULD HAPPEN.

BUT IT'S ABOUT A RETARDED

BASEBALL TEAM...

(LAUGHTER)

WHO ARE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF

THE LEAGUE, UNTIL A BOOZY COACH

TEACHES THEM EVERYTHING HE

KNOWS.

THEN THE TEAM MIRACULOUSLY COMES

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE TO WIN THE

CHAMPIONSHIP.

AND IT'S CALLED, NOBODY'S OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

LOOK FOR IT.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

AND EVEN WHEN I PUT FORTH

THE EFFORT IT STILL SORT OF

BACKFIRES, BLOWS UP IN MY FACE.

I WAS ON MY WAY TO A DELI AND

I WAS JUST PICKING UP AN ORDER

'CAUSE I'M A BIG TV WRITER NOW

AND I'VE GOT A LOT OF CASH.

NO, I WAS PICKING UP AN ORDER

AND ON MY WAY IN A STREET PERSON

SAID TO ME, "MAY I HAVE SOME

CHANGE?"

AND I SAID, "YEAH, I'LL GET YOU

ON THE WAY OUT," 'CAUSE ALL I

HAD WAS A 20 TO PICK UP THIS

SANDWICH.

SO I GO IN, I GET MY ORDER AND I

COME BACK OUT AND I GIVE THE GUY

THE CHANGE.

AND HE SAID, "OH, I THOUGHT YOU

WERE GONNA GIVE ME A SANDWICH."

AND I SAID, "OH, I THOUGHT YOU'D

WANT THE MONEY FOR ALCOHOL."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I SAID...

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

"WELL, I GUESS WE BOTH LET

EACH OTHER DOWN TONIGHT."

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS READING AN ARTICLE ABOUT

A FAMILY WHO LIVED ON THE MONEY

WHEAT.

AND, IT WAS SAD, BECAUSE,

YOU KNOW, WHEN THERE WAS A

DROUGHT AND THEY COULDN'T AFFORD

TO EAT THEY WERE FORCED TO BEG

THEIR NEIGHBORS FOR FOOD.

JUST THEN AS I'M FINISHING

THE ARTICLE I GET A CALL FROM

THE TILE STORE.

I FIND OUT THESE TILES FOR

MY BATHROOM THAT WERE IMPORTED

FROM ITALY, THAT THEY WERE GOING

TO BE A COUPLE OF DAYS LATE.

AND I'M THINKING, "OH, MY GOD,

TWO DAYS LATE IS GOING TO THROW

OFF EVERYTHING THAT I'D PLANNED

FOR IN THE HOUSE.

MAYBE THE TERRORISTS WON

AFTER ALL."

I'M GETTING ALL THESE THOUGHTS.

AND THEN I THOUGHT, "WAIT A

MINUTE.

I'M JUST LIKE THAT FAMILY,

YOU KNOW?"

I MEAN, THEY'VE GOT THEIR WHEAT

CRAP AND I'VE GOT MY TILE CRAP.

YOU KNOW, WE ALL GO THROUGH OUR

STUFF, YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST LIKE, NO MATTER

WHO YOU ARE OR WHERE YOU LIVE

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE HARDSHIP,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST PART OF BEING HUMAN.

IT REALLY IS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

Loading...