The One with All the Spitting

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 07/28/2015

Comedians Nick Thune, Andrew Santino, John Early and Fred Armisen join Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani for a night of stand-up and spit-takes in the back of a comic book store.

Some of you guys might know...

people call methe Bo Jackson of Comedy.

If you've seen my stand-up,sometimes when I'm onstage...

I play guitar and I tell jokesat the same time...

and Bo Jackson played footballand baseball.

I think it's an obviouscomparison.

And Bo Jackson broke his hipin a football game...

and he never playedfootball again.

He played baseball again, but heplayed it like a little bitch.

And the doctor looked at meand said...

"You're probably never gonnaplay guitar again for aboutsix weeks."

Went back to my hotel thatI was renting.

I don't buy a hotelin every city, you know.

And I woke up the nextmorning... not feeling too good.

It was a pretty bad hangover.

And then I hopped on my computerand I checked an email accountthat I don't check too often.

We've all got one.Mine's hotmailguy@gmail.com.

Right at the top of the inbox...

was an email from this kid namedTimothy, he's 11-years-old.

He lives in Toronto.

Timothy said that he'd heardabout what happened to me...

and he could relate...

because a week earlier,he fell off his bunk bed.

He broke his wrist.He was trying to light a fart.

The doctors took one lookat him, they said...

"He's probably nevergonna fart again."

I gotta tell you guys, rightthere, as I read that emailfor the first time...

I realized that I'm not doingany of this for me...

or for the success,or the money or the free cars.

Like, I'm doing this...for Timothy.

And I called up my agent...

and I said, "Cancel allthe cancellations.

"Put the tour back together,because I'm back."

I know it sounds stupid, but ifyou've seen my comedy special...

even tonight, if you werewatching and you saw it...

you're gonna see a littleglimmer in my eye.

And that's because that whenI'm onstage, I feel likeI can smell Timothy's farts.

And they smell good.

This is Timothy's cast.

When I smell this cast,I still feel like I cansmell Timothy's farts.

It's for you, Timothy.

I've been working on my,uh...

Spit takes.

Watch this. Say something.Okay.

You'll see it.I won't do it on you guys.

I'll do it on you.All right.

No.I'm just a little boy.I can't hurt you.

You-- you need--

Kumail, the monsters are havinga tea party!

What-- what kindof spit-take is that?

You threw it at yourself andthen you dodged it?

It was the "own goal"of spit-takes.

Uh, does anyone wantto be spat upon?

Does anyone want to beon television?

No, the people who would wantthat to happen, we don't want.

Yeah, yeah.Onstage.

What about Ed Salazar?I'll spit on Ed Salazar.

Oh, he hasn't been listening,so go ahead, I'll say somethingto you.

Oh-- oh, is it gonna get sad?

If it's gonna get sad,we shouldn't do this.

MAN (O.S.)Do it!

Hey-- hey, Jonah, um, uh...

Ed told me thatyou're his best friend.

You are my best friend!

I am glad there's a lotof people in the room.

Sorry, but that--that's how you spit-take.

It's a mist.

Oh, I got it.Here, let me try one.Yeah.

Okay, cool. Ed, could youcome out here?

No, yeah, Ed, could youcome out here?

Yeah.

I'm gonna do it to Ed.

Wait a minute--No, I am!

Oh... oh, yeah!

Kumail, don't do it,you're a jerk!

Say something.

Kumail, I'm pregnant.

Oh, jeez!

Jonah, you're my best friend!