Pulp Comics: Scott Thompson

  • Season 1, Ep 0114
  • 11/22/1999

Hey, all right.

How you folks doin'?

Welcome to Louis C.K.'s

Filthy Stupid Talent Show.

Now let's bring out your host.

There he is.

It's Louis C.K.

>> Louis: Hey, yeah.

Hey, this is great.

[vaudeville-style piano music]

Thank you.

You guys are great.

Thank you.

>> Wow.

>> Louis: Thank you, Nixony,

thank you.

You guys look great.

You guys really look like a

great crowd.

Except for you, Sir.

I'm not crazy about you.

Seriously, I think you got--

you should go.

I'm kinda--

I'm being serious.

I'd like you to take your things

and get out.

Get the hell out.

I'm serious.

>> Good-bye.

[laughter]

>> Louis: All right, but

otherwise, you guys are great.

We're gonna have a great time.

Are you gonna have--

are you excited?

This is the Filthy Stupid

Talent Show, everybody.

All right.

Thanks, everybody.

Nice to see you all.

Say hello to Nixony the Cow,

my friend Nixony the Cow.

This is my pal.

>> How ya doin'?

What's up?

>> Louis: Hey, Nixony,

how you doin'?

>> Pretty good.

Glad you kicked that guy out.

>> Louis: Yeah, you didn't like

the look of him either?

>> Yeah, he was buggin' me.

>> Louis: Yeah, well,

how you doin' otherwise?

>> Ahh, all right.

[laughter]

>> Louis: Sheriff,

this is Sheriff John,

our musical director.

Give him a hand, Sheriff.

[applause]

>> Howdy-doo-dah-doh,

all right.

Hello.

[making pistol shot noises]

>> Louis: [blows on mic]

How you doin',

Sheriff John?

>> Well, I guess I'm doing

pretty diggity-dog-doo

all good time.

Oh, look out.

Here we go!

[making pistol shot noises]

>> Louis: [blowing on mic]

Wow, that sounds good.

Nixony, what'd you think of that

weather today?

>> Yeah, it was kind of cold.

>> Louis: You thought it was

pretty cold out?

>> I don't know.

It was all right.

So you know--

you know what I did today?

I bought a bag of donuts,

and I ate that [...], man.

I ate the whole bag,

and I felt horrible.

You know when eat donuts,

and you don't even want 'em?

I was, like, standing outside

the donut place goin',

"Ahhh, I'm gonna get donuts.

Damn it."

And they're, like, looking at me

through the window, just

standing there going,

"Ah, God, I gotta have some."

So I go in there, and I'm

eating 'em,

and I don't even like it,

and I'm just pushing 'em down

my throat, and I've got powder

on my face.

It was horrible.

And I don't care about the

weight, you know, I'm lucky.

I'm one of those people,

I can eat donuts, whatever,

and I just get fat.

You know, it's no problem.

But it makes me feel bad.

I just feel uggh.

And I can't not do it.

And, like, I'm married now,

and my friends'll say, like,

"Is it hard to be monogamous?

Does it take will power?"

No, I can do that.

That's easy, but I can't lay off

the donuts, see.

'Cause it's different.

See, for sex,

there's masturbating, right?

But for food, there's nothin'

like that, you know?

I can't, like, watch

The Food Network going,

"Oh, yeah, oh, oh.

Oh, pizza, yeah, you know."

>> You can't do that.

Look, I'm tryin'.

La-la-la-la.

Nothin'.

>> Louis: Nothing, right?

You're still hungry,

aren't ya?

>> You bet.

When I eat a lot of food,

my beard gets fat.

>> Louis: Your beard gets fat

when you eat a lot?

>> I get a fat beard.

>> Louis: All right, well,

listen, folks.

This is a talent show.

It's the Filthy Stupid

Talent Show, and what we do is,

people--

>> Big old fat beard.

[laughs]

[shooting noises]

[blowing]

>> Louis: You ready--

>> Let's go.

>> Louis: All right.

All right, how about a hand

for Sheriff John and Nixony

the Cow?

We're going to start the show.

We're gonna bring on some acts.

We're going to have a good time.

Our first act is Hugh Penny.

Give Hugh Penny a hand.

Hello, Hugh.

>> Hello.

>> Louis: And where are you

from?

>> Well, I am from

North Bridges, Montana.

Ahh.

[cheering]

>> Louis: Okay, and--

people from North Bridges.

And what are you--

what's your talent?

What are you going to do for us?

>> Well, I'm a violinist,

and I'm diabetic.

>> Louis: You're a diabetic

violinist.

What does that mean exactly?

>> Well, it means that I have a

low-sugar deficiency which I

take a prescription for,

and I play the violin.

>> Louis: All right, does the

diabetes have anything to--does

it work into your violin playing

somehow?

>> I wouldn't know if it works

in.

I suffer a disease,

and I also play the violin.

Ahh.

>> Louis: Okay, so you play the

violin, but also you just happen

to have diabetes?

>> Well, no, I don't happen to

have it.

It's not something I chose.

It's not a--

I didn't win the lottery for

diabetics.

It's--I like to play the violin

and perform, yes.

>> Louis: And you have diabetes?

>> I'm diabetic.

>> Louis: Right, okay,

all right.

Hugh Penny, give him a hand.

He's gonna plays some violin.

[mournful music]

>> Oh, this is romantic,

this part.

It like romantic music.

It makes me think of kissing.

And then birds come.

[trills notes]

Oh, little birdies, huh?

Birds that fly like wings.

And then hearing the birds makes

me--

>> Excuse me.

>> You're under arrest.

>> What?

I'm playing the violin here.

>> Sir.

>> Louis: Excuse me.

>> You're hurting my arm, sir.

>> It's the least you deserve.

>> I'm cooperating, please.

>> Louis: Excuse me.

What's going on?

>> He's got an outstanding

warrant.

>> Louis: What for?

>> Multiple homicide and child

molestation.

>> Hey, [beep] you,

you mother[beep].

[beep]

[laughter and applause]

Yeah, that was--

[lilting piano music]

I don't know who this is.

Can I--can I help you?

Can I help you?

Oh, okay.

It says he's

The Amazing Renaldo.

All right, how about a hand

for The Amazing Renaldo?

I guess he's on now.

[lilting piano music]

[laughter and applause]

>> Louis: The Amazing Renaldo,

everybody.

Wow.

>> That guy was great.

>> Louis: All right.

Here we go.

We're going to bring out

another act.

Let's have a hand for Bob Tyler.

Give him a hand.

Bob Tyler, everybody.

Hello, Bob, how are you?

>> Hi, doin' great.

>> Louis: And what's your--

what's your talent?

>> I wrestle Jews.

>> Louis: You wrestle Jews?

>> Yes, I do.

>> Louis: You're a Jew wrestler?

>> Yes, I am.

>> Louis: Just Jews?

>> That's all I've been doin'.

>> Louis: All you've been doing

is wrestling Jews.

All right, what do you need from

us, anything?

>> I just need a little space

here and just a Jew.

>> Louis: You need a Jew to--

any Jews that want to wrestle?

Who's Jewish here, anybody?

Uh, you sir?

Come on up.

Give him a hand,

a volunteer we have.

Come on up.

[applause]

Hi, what's your name?

>> Seth.

>> Louis: Seth,

and you're Jewish?

>> Yeah, I'm a Jew.

>> Louis: Is that okay?

All right, okay.

So you're going to wrestle with

Bob.

Is that okay with you?

Okay, Bob Tyler,

give him a hand as he's

going to wrestle this Jew.

[applause]

Okay, he's got him in a lock.

Oh, and he's got Seth

by the arm.

That doesn't--Seth's got the

upper hand.

Oh, but he kicked him right

in the balls.

That's--

Oh, my God.

He hit him right in the head.

Oh, and Seth got out of the way.

Seth got out of the way.

Oh, my God.

He raked his eyes,

and he blinded him.

Oh, goodness.

This is terrible.

>> His head off.

>> Louis: Oh, wait, hey, hey,

hey, hey.

You can't.

That's not right.

Come on, man.

Use your head.

>> I can hit him if I want.

I'll take you out.

>> Louis: No, man.

I'm not Jewish.

>> You're not Jewish?

>> Louis: No, I'm not.

Take it easy.

>> Come on, you bastard!

>> Louis: Oh, oh, my God.

Right in the head with a pizza--

Oh, and I think he's going to

get the pin.

One, two, three,

and the Jew beat him.

The Jew won.

>> Louis: Say, Nixony,

do you have any kids?

>> Yeah, I got a son.

>> Louis: What's his name?

>> Dave.

>> Louis: I was thinking of

having kids.

I got married, you know,

and I was thinking that naming

the kid is the fun part,

because you name your kid

anything you want.

I'd like to give my kid an

interesting name,

like a name with no vowels,

you know.

Just consonants like

Sldnthkrn.

Krdlpffffff.

Just like 20 Fs.

Ffffffffffffffffffff.

You know, or--or just vowels,

like, Oeeeoooeeee.

This is my daughter

Oeeeeeooeeeoo and my son

Ffffffffffffffffffffffff.

Some people name their kids

a word like Sunshine or Battery

or something like that.

I'd like to name my kid a whole

phrase, you know,

something like

Ladies And Gentlemen.

That would be a great name for a

kid, you know.

This is my son

Ladies And Gentlemen.

And when he gets out of hand,

I can go, "Ladies and Gentlemen,

please."

And stuff like that, you know.

'Cause I never get to say that

[beep].

Oh, Renaldo, everyone.

[lilting piano music]

[applause]

>> Louis: The Amazing Renaldo,

once again, everyone.

[applause]

Wow.

>> Wow.

>> Louis: Do you know that guy?

I don't know who that was.

>> He's fantastic,

whoever he is.

>> Louis: Yeah.

You ever seen him before?

>> I saw him once.

>> Louis: Where'd you see him?

>> At a magic show.

>> Louis: All right.

Okay, our next act,

ladies and gentlemen,

how about a hand for

Greg Daihatsu.

Give him a hand, Greg Daihatsu.

[applause]

Hello, Greg, how you doin'?

>> Fine, thank you.

>> Louis: And where you from?

>> I'm out of Florida.

>> Louis: Okay, and what's your

talent?

What are you going to do for us?

>> I'm going to do

a little high energy.

>> Louis: High energy.

>> Right, just some high energy.

>> Louis: Just high energy?

>> Yeah, I do some high energy.

>> Louis: Right, okay,

another hand.

Greg Daihatsu.

He's gonna do some high energy.

[applause]

[clapping and yelling]

[fingers snapping]

Whoo!

[clapping and laughter]

thunk!

Whoo!

[applause]

>> Louis: Greg Daihatsu.

Another hand for Greg Daihatsu.

>> All right.

>> Louis: Can we get a mop?

Get a mop here.

Yeah, that was some high energy,

huh?

>> That was some high energy.

That was a little Ziggity-dad

diggity-doo-dah-doh.

Look out.

>> Louis: Hey, did you guys--

do you remember when we went out

that time?

>> Oh, yeah, quite a good time.

>> Louis: That was fun,

wasn't it?

>> Lot of laughs.

>> Louis: Remember, Nixony,

when we all three of us went out

and had a good time?

>> That was great.

>> Louis: It was good,

wasn't it?

>> Yeah.

>> Louis: All right, well.

You want to take a look.

Don't you have a tape of that?

>> Yeah, that'd be great.

>> Louis: All right.

Let's take a look a tape of the

three of us going out.

>> Man, I am hungry.

>> Louis: Yeah, me too.

Any donuts left?

>> Nope.

>> Louis: What happened to all

the donuts?

>> I ate 'em.

>> Louis: You ate 'em all?

>> Oh, man.

I am hungry.

>> Yeah, I'm starvin'.

Let's get something to eat.

>> Yeah, let's a get a

little something to zippity

diggity doo dah doh.

>> Louis: All right.

Fine.

Let's go.

>> So, uh, let's go.

Let's get something to eat.

>> Yeah, let's rustle us up some

grub.

>> Louis: There's nothing

around here.

>> Ask that cop up there.

>> Louis: Where?

>> Right up there,

there's a cop.

>> Louis: Oh, okay.

Excuse me, officer.

You know somewhere around here,

there's a restaurant, like,

something to eat,

anywhere around here?

>> [speaking French]

>> What did he say?

>> Louis: I don't know.

I think he's speaking French.

>> Well, I wonder why a cop in

New Jersey's speaking French.

>> Louis: Officer, do you speak

any English at all?

>> [speaking French]

>> Louis: Okay, thanks--

thanks a lot.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

>> Learn English,

you French pig.

>> Louis: Hey, man, come on.

>> What?

I don't like cops.

>> Louis: Oh, okay.

>> Hey, ask these guys up here.

>> Louis: Where?

>> Up there, those mariachis,

ask 'em.

>> Louis: All right.

Maybe they'll know.

Excuse me, guys.

Do you know where there's a

restaurant, somewhere to eat

around here?

[playing Mariachi music]

We're looking for somewhere to--

We're looking for--

All right, that's no good.

Jesus, man.

>> They were good.

>> Louis: Yeah, but I'm hungry

still, right.

>> At least they spoke English.

>> Louis: Well, what are we

going to eat?

>> I don't know, but I'm so

hungry I could eat

the two of yas.

>> Oh, hey, I just remembered.

>> Louis: What's that,

Sheriff John?

>> Why I've got a whole turkey

dinner right here.

>> Louis: Hey, great.

Let's eat.

>> All right.

Pull over.

Let's dig in.

>> Louis: All right.

>>

>> Louis: Are you ready for

the next act, Sheriff John?

>> Here we go.

You bet I am.

>> Louis: All right, here we go.

It's Mary Swanson.

Give her a nice hand.

Mary Swanson, everybody.

[applause]

Hello, Mary Swanson,

how are you?

>> I'm fine, thank you.

>> Louis: Okay, and who is this?

>> This is my son Davey.

>> Louis: Okay, and what's he

going to do?

>> He's talented.

[laughter]

>> Louis: Okay, and what is he

going to--what's he going to do?

>> He's very talented.

His father gave him talent.

>> Louis: That's great, but--

>> Well, I took him to see the

Dalai Lama this summer,

and the Lama only looked at my

son as though he was

filled with joy.

He's talented.

>> Louis: Okay, so I guess we'll

just find out what he does.

He's going to do some

performance.

Are you going to stay on the

stage?

>> Absolutely.

>> Louis: Okay, all right.

All right, how about a hand for

Davey, everybody.

Give him a hand.

[applause]

>> Move it.

Move it.

Do something.

>> Do what?

>> Move, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go.

[laughter]

>> Louis: Excuse me,

does he hav--

>> Move it!

>> I don't know what to do.

>> Oh, you don't know

what to do?

Well, do it.

I gave birth to you.

I did something.

You do something.

Move.

[laughter and applause]

>> We didn't rehearse anything.

>> Will you please start now?

Come on.

Come on.

>> Louis: Excuse me.

Do you have, Davey, do you

have a talent of any kind?

Do you sing or dance?

>> No, she just brought me up

here and said to do something

talented.

>> Hey, Dudley Moore,

I don't get in your space.

Now, move.

>> Louis: What is that?

Look, he doesn't have anything

to do.

You shouldn't just

bring a kid up.

You got to prepare 'em.

>> Don't tell me what to do,

redhead.

I don't get in your space.

>> Louis: You have to a prepare

a kid before you bring 'em on.

>> I love you so much.

>> Louis: You can't just bring a

kid--

>> Get out of here.

>> Louis: I want you to take the

kid and go home.

I'd really like you to go.

>> We didn't go through

anything.

>> Louis: Yeah, see, look,

you're a terrible mother,

and I think you're making people

uncomfortable.

It's really awful.

>> Do something for mommy.

>> Louis: No, don't

do that to him.

Don't do that to him.

>> Do something for mommy.

Shut up, wacko.

Come on.

Do something.

Please, please, please.

>> Okay.

I'll do something.

[upbeat piano music]

>> ♪ There's something

♪ bursting, mama.

♪ There's something

♪ blooming, mama.

♪ There's something

♪ bountiful to share.

♪ Isn't that super duper?

♪ Isn't that something sassy?

[laughter]

♪ Ain't it great?

>> Hey, hey,

you don't have to be such a

show-off, all right?

Don't be such a conceited little

kid.

It's not like I don't have any

talent.

That's how you got your, oh--

♪ When I was a lass poor...

[laughter]

♪ down the shores of

♪ halley lay low.

♪ Well, the soul of God

♪ told me, told me,

♪ go, go, go,

♪ down the shores--

Get out of here, all right?

♪ Down the shores of--

>> Louis: Get the [beep] out.

Seriously, just get the [beep]

out of here.

Sorry about your life, kid.

Just get the [beep] off the

stage.

Brutal.

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