Tuesday, February 4, 2014

  • 02/04/2014

Arden Myrin, Nick Thune and Dana Gould celebrate Facebook's birthday, come up with bad Broadway show titles and create texts that parents might send.

FROM TODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES

IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

WHOLE POINTS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FACEBOOK.

HOORAY!

TODAY MARKS TEN YEARS SINCE THE

DAY FACEBOOK LAUNCHED, AND ABOUT

THREE YEARS SINCE YOUR GRANDMA

DISCOVERED ALL THE AWFUL (BLEEP)

THAT YOU DO IN YOUR LIFE.

BECAUSE FACEBOOK IS NOT YOUR

PRIVATE ROOM, IT'S PUBLIC AND

OTHER PEOPLE CAN SEE WHAT YOU

DO.

HOORAY.

>> HOW OLD IS FACEBOOK?

>> Chris: TEN YEARS OLD NOW.

>> OFFICIALLY TOO OLD FOR WOODY

ALLEN?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(LAUGHTER)

>> WAIT, HOLD ON,

HOLD ON.

IS IT TOO SOON YI?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I GOT TO GIVE NICK

THUNE POINTS FOR THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, PLEASE

TELL ME THE BIRTHDAY GREETING

YOU WOULD POST ON FACEBOOK'S

WALL.

ARDEN.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FACEBOOK.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO BUY YOU A

STARBUCKS GIFT CARD.

GO POKE YOURSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR THAT.

NICK THUNE.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FACEBOOK,

EVEN THOUGH YOU'LL NEVER READ

THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WELL DONE, POINTS.

YES, DANA.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FACEBOOK.

PERHAPS YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN

THESE 3,472 OTHER RANDOM EVENTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD, EXCELLENT.

WELL PLAYED FOLLOW-UP.

MOVING ON.

A VERY SOMBER P.S.A.

WAS JUST RELEASED BY BRIGHAM

YOUNG UNIVERSITY TO THE STUDENT

BODY DISPLAYING A WOUNDED

SOLDIER GOING UNHELPED BY HIS

COMRADES AND IT IMMEDIATELY WENT

VIRAL.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE SOMBER

VIDEO.

>> THE ENEMY WHISPERS, "DON'T

GET INVOLVED.

IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

DON'T TELL.

YOU'LL BE A TATTLE TALE."

>> Chris: THIS P.S.A.... I KNOW,

WE'LL GET THERE.

THIS P.S.A.

WAS HEEDING A WARNING OF WHAT?

A) DRINKING CAFFEINE.

B) MASTURBATING.

C) WEARING SHORTS.

ARDEN.

>> MASTURBATING.

>> Chris: HELL, YEAH,

MASTURBATING!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS

NEED A LITTLE MORE CONTEXT.

LET'S SEE A LITTLE BIT MORE OF

THIS EPIC FOUR-MINUTE P.S.A.

>> AND THERE IS DARKNESS IN HIS

EYES.

YOU CAN HELP THE SPIRITUALLY

WOUNDED FIND THE SAVIOR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I LOVE YOUR WORK IN THAT,

NICK.

IT'S WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.

>> Chris: FOR 100 POINTS, WHAT

WOULD YOU GUYS NAME THIS MOVIE?

>> FULL METAL JACK-OFF.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS,

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I AM THRILLED AND MILDLY ANNOYED

BY THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS AN IDEA

WE HAD ON THE NERDIST PODCAST

WITH DONALD GLOVER, LIKE, THREE

YEARS AGO.

THE "BACK TO THE FUTURE" MUSICAL

IS IN THE WORKS.

NOW IN OUR VERSION, DONALD WAS

GOING TO PLAY GOLDIE WILSON AND

THE WHOLE MUSICAL WAS FROM THE

POINT OF VIEW OF MAYOR GOLDIE

WILSON.

JUST LIKE ALL THE STUFF.

BUT WHAT WE'RE SURE IS GOING TO

BE A PRETTY DECENT MUSICAL,

LET'S MAKE UP SOME CRAPPY ONES.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS BAD

BROADWAY.

EXAMPLES WILL BE "BOOK OF

BOREDOM," OR "LEASE" OR "JERSEY

MEN."

I'M GOING TO PUT 60

SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, READY, SET

AND GO... ARDEN.

>> ANNIE GET YOUR (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT SOUNDS AWFUL.

POINTS.

NICK.

>> ALL THE SMALL THINGS.

A BLINK 182-ISICAL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

DANA.

>> AN AMERICAN IN PARIS HILTON:

SPERMALOT.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS, DANA GOULD.

YES, NICK.

>> JEWSIES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> HOW TO SUCCEED IN METH MAKING

WITHOUT REALLY TRYING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, ARDEN AGAIN.

>> JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNO

MUSIC K-HOLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

DANA, YOU HAD ONE.

>> MAMMA MIA FARROW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> LITTLE SHOP OF HATE CRIMES.

>> WOULD BE AN AWFUL MUSICAL,

YES, POINTS.

NICK.

>> GLENGARRY, GLENN BECK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING

BECAUSE THEY HATE GLENN BECK.

THAT WAS A (BLEEP) GREAT JOKE.

POINTS.

THE SUBWAY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS GUY ON THE SUBWAY.

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IS I'M

GOING TO READ YOU THE FIRST PART

OF A TWEET WITH THE PHRASE "THIS

GUY ON THE SUBWAY" AND THEN YOUR

JOB IS TO COMPLETE THE TWEET.

ALL RIGHT, 250 POINTS WILL BE

AWARDED IF WE THINK THAT YOUR

ANSWER IS HILARIOUS.

HERE WE GO.

GUY ON THE SUBWAY JUST TOLD US

HE'S AN ALIEN...

DANA GOULD.

>> AND SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE A

BLOW JOB?"

I SAID, "WHY DID YOU TELL ME

YOU WERE AN ALIEN?"

HE SAID, "ICE BREAKER."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR SURE.

THE ACTUAL ANSWER WAS HE'S AN

ALIEN...

"AND THEN STARTED PLAYING THE

SAX."

#AUTHENTICNYEXPERIENCE.

NEXT ONE.

A GUY ON THE SUBWAY WAS

RUMMAGING THROUGH A BACKPACK

FILLED ENTIRELY WITH...

YES, DANA.

>> BRUCE JENNER AND/OR KEIRA

KNIGHTLEY ACTION FIGURES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IN THE ENTIRE BAG.

THAT WAS ALL OF IT.

>> I PICTURE BRUCE JENNER IS

JUST LIKE A MELTED WAX DOLL.

>> Chris: YEAH, HE IS, HE'S JUST

SLOWLY MELTING.

>> HE'S A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

THOUGH.

HE'S A WONDERFUL MATRIARCH OF

THAT FAMILY.

>> IN HIS DEFENSE, HE LOOKS

EXACTLY THE WAY HE LOOKED TEN

YEARS AGO WHEN UNDERWATER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, THE ACTUAL

ANSWER WAS "RUMMAGING FILLED

ENTIRELY WITH CONDOMS AND CHEWY

BARS.

GOOD MORNING, A TRAIN."

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

SOME GUY ON THE SUBWAY WAS

PLAYING THE BONGOS FOR HIS KIDS

NAME...

YES, NICK.

>> HOMELESS BONGO KID JUNIOR,

HOMELESS BONGO KID III, AND

KEVIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR SURE.

THE ACTUAL ANSWER WAS "PLAYING

THE BONGOS FOR HIS KIDS NAME

SUNSHINE AND HOT COCO."

>> HOT COCO.

IT'S GOT TO BE MATTHEW

McCONAUGHEY.

>> Chris: YOU THINK SO?

>> IT HAD TO BE MATTHEW

McCONAUGHEY.

>> Chris: THOSE ARE HIS KIDS'

NAMES.

>> YEAH, HE LOVES THE BONGO.

>> Chris: OR HOT COCOA, LIKE

WHAT I'M GOING TO DRINK WHEN YOU

CRADLE ME IN THAT SWEATER, NICK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

A PICTURE TELLS 1,000 WORDS

UNLESS SAID PICTURE IS A WEIRD

MISLEADING THUMBNAIL IMAGE ON A

YOUTUBE LINK.

COMEDIANS, WE'RE GOING TO SHOW

YOU A FREEZEFRAME FROM A YOUTUBE

CLIP AND AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN THE

VIDEO.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

THIS ICE RINK NEWS REPORT.

DOES IT FEATURE A RUNAWAY

ZAMBONI DRIVER OR A REPORTER

FACE PLANT?

ARDEN.

>> A REPORTER FACE PLANT.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL DONE.

>> I'M GOING TO...

>> Chris: BACK TO YOU IN THE

STUDIO.

>> SHE DIDN'T EVEN PUT HER HANDS

DOWN.

>> I GOT TO DISAGREE WITH THAT.

SHE'S OBVIOUSLY DOING THE WORM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS FRIENDLY FACE.

IS IT FROM A BRITISH ART FILM

CALLED "YOUR MAJESTY, MY

NIGHTMARE" OR A CHILDREN'S

CEREAL COMMERCIAL?

YES, NICK THUNE.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH THE

CHILDREN'S CEREAL COMMERCIAL.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> HONEY AND SUGAR MAKE IT

DIFFERENT AND WONDERFUL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THANKS FOR THOSE GREAT

STORIES ABOUT POST SUGAR POPS,

MOLESTO.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO DANA GOULD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MOLESTO, THE CLOWN.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

THIS DOG SHOW, IS IT INTERRUPTED

BY A FEMALE STREAKER OR A

(BLEEP) DOG?

I WISH IT WERE A (BLEEP)

STREAKER.

(LAUGHTER)

UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S ONE OR THE

OTHER.

WHOO, MICROSOFT!

STEVE BALLMER.

(LAUGHTER)

DROPPING BOMBS.

>> I WISH IT WAS A, BUT I'M

GOING TO GO WITH B, A (BLEEP)

DOG.

>> Chris: OKAY, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> DON'T GO BEHIND YOU, YOU CAN

LOSE CONTROL.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> HE ARCHED.

>> THE DOG OWNER JUST LIKE NO!

>> Chris: WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!

>> THE SHAME ARCH.

>> I DON'T HAVE ANY BAGS

RIGHT NOW.

"TEXT FROM YOUR PARENTS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S A BAD DAY WHEN YOUR PARENTS

LEARN HOW TO TEXT.

MY DAD JUST LEARNED HOW TO TEXT

LIKE A YEAR AGO.

AND IT WASN'T EVEN THAT THERE

WERE TYPOS.

LIKE HIS GRAMMAR, I WOULD GET

THESE TEXTS LIKE, "ME SORRY, ME

DO BETTER."

"ME DO BETTER!"

LIKE WE GAVE A SMART PHONE TO A

CHIMP AND JUST LET HIM KIND OF

LIKE...

"ME DO BETTER."

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE

GIVE ME AS MANY PARENT TEXTS AS

YOU CAN.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, DANA.

>> HEY, MOM'S DEAD.

J.K., SUP DOG?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> JUSTIN BIEBER IS LIQUID GOLD.

REAL ONE FROM MY MOM.

>> Chris: POINTS!

TO YOU AND YOUR MOM.

NICK.

>> WHAT WAS THE NAME OF YOUR

FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL?

I THOUGHT I SAW HIS MOM.

BUT IT WASN'T.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> GREAT NEWS!

WE'RE COMING WITH YOU TO

COACHELLA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, WAY POINTS.

NICK.

>> TWO AND A HALF MEN-- SO

FUNNY, HAVE YOU SEEN?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

DANA.

>> HEY, "SON," GUESS WHO HAD A

BLOOD TEST?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

ARDEN.

>> TURNED YOUR ROOM INTO AIRBNB,

GOT FELT UP BY THE NICEST

FRENCHMAN.

>> Chris: POINTS!

NICK.

>> CHRIS HARDWICK, SO FUNNY,

HAVE YOU MET?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WAIT, I'M IN THE SAME

CATEGORY AS TWO AND A HALF MEN?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE IT.

POINTS.

DANA.

>> THEY ARRESTED FATHER DONEGAN.

WILL YOU COME BACK TO THE CHURCH

NOW?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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