CC Presents: Bo Burnham

  • Season 13, Ep 22
  • 01/11/2009

Bo Burnham serenades with tales of sex, high school and other sources of human awkwardness.

SO, DO YOU GUYSLIKE MY SHIRT?

[ SCATTERED CHEERS ]

BACK HOME, THEY USED TO CALL METHE TIE-DYED-SHIRT KID.

WELL, THAT AND [BLEEP]

SO, ON THAT NOTE,I'M GONNA RAP...

UM...

OKAY.YOU GUYS ARE GONNA LOVE THIS.

UM...

♪ WALKIN' MY POODLES, MAN,IT NEVER GETS OLD ♪

♪ WITH MY DOGS ON MY LEASH,I GOT BITCHES ON THE HOLD ♪

♪ THE FIRST AIDS KIT,THAT'S A RHESUS MONKEY ♪

♪ I BUST MORE NUTSTHAN A PISTACHIO JUNKIE ♪

♪ I GET MORE ASSTHAN A GIANT DONKEY STABLE ♪

♪ I GOT MORE LINES THANWHITNEY HOUSTON'S COFFEE TABLE ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ I GET MORE [BLEEP]THAN GRAMMAR-SCHOOL LICE ♪

♪ I'M LIKE A WALKING GLACIER,I'M SO DECKED OUT WITH ICE ♪

♪ HEY, JESUS LOVES YOUAS LONG AS YOU'RE WHITE ♪

♪ DID YOU POOP A VIRGIN?'CAUSE THAT [BLEEP] IS TIGHT ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

YO!

♪ I'M BLOWIN' UPLIKE I THOUGHT I WOULD ♪

♪ I'M CIRCUMCISED 'CAUSEI DON'T [BLEEP] FROM THE HOOD ♪

IT'S, UH...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ MY NAME IS BO, FO' SHO'

♪ A BORN BOSTONIANARYAN LIBRARIAN ♪

♪ AT THE WORD SMITHSONIAN

♪ THE RAP IS SCATTERED,IT HAS ITS INGENUITY ♪

♪ I GAVE IT THIS LITTLE PARTTO GIVE IT CONTINUITY ♪

♪ LADIES...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YO!

♪ AND THE FELLAS SAY,"HEY, MORON, PASS THE GIN" ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M AN OXYMORON,BREATHING OXYGEN ♪

♪ GIVE ME THE BOTTLE,I'LL CHUG TWO-THIRDS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU BITCHES KNOW

♪ FRACTIONSSPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS ♪

OH, MY GOD.

♪ AND THE LADIES SAY, "HEY,FELLAS, I'M KEEPIN' IT TIGHT" ♪

♪ AND IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDSRIGHT, YOU CAN HAVE ME TONIGHT ♪

♪ SHOULD I [BLEEP] YOUOR [BLEEP] YOU? ♪

♪ BRASS OR PERCUSSION?

♪ OH, STOP, PERIOD,END OF DISCUSSION ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YO!

LET'S WORK THIS SHIP.

♪ OH, YO,MY NAME IS BO, FO' SHO' ♪

♪ A BORN BOSTONIANARYAN LIBRARIAN ♪

♪ AT THE WORD SMITHSONIAN

♪ THE RAP IS SCATTERED,IT HAS ITS INGENUITY ♪

♪ I GAVE IT THIS LITTLE PARTTO GIVE IT CONTINUITY ♪

♪ WALKIN' THROUGH THE GARDEN,FOOD AT MY FEET ♪

♪ PICKED UP THE CELERYBUT DROPPED THE BEET ♪[beat]

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ YO, WE'RE IN THE HOOD,I'LL TAKE WHAT YOU GIVE ME ♪

♪ WAS EINSTEIN'S THEORY GOOD?RELATIVELY ♪

[king dumb]♪ A SMART QUEEN'S "KINGDOM,"IT DOESN'T MIX ♪

♪ A LITTER OF LITERATES,A BUNCH OF MOBY DICKS ♪

♪ GET THEE TO A PUNNERY,OH, JUST TO "FEEL YA" ♪[Ophelia]

♪ I'LL TAKE YOU WITH A CONDOM,STAINLESS STEEL YA ♪

♪ HALF A POUND OF TURKEY BREAST,HALF A POUND OF CHICKEN TITS ♪

♪ WHY ARE ONLY CRACKERSSTAYING AT THE RITZ? ♪

♪ POVERTY, RACISM,ISN'T IT STRANGE? ♪

♪ ONLY THE HOMELESSARE BEGGING FOR CHANGE ♪

♪ A SHOCKED SHERLOCK,WATSON ♪

♪ ROSA PARKSDIDN'T CALL SHOTGUN ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ WELL, HERE'S A BIT OF IRONY

♪ A FORD FOCUS DRIVER'SGOT A.D.D. ♪

♪ HOW'D I COMETO MASTER ALL THESE THINGS? ♪

♪ LIKE A TAMPON THIEF,I HAD TO PULL SOME STRINGS ♪

THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LAST THURSDAYWAS MY 18th BIRTHDAY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T HAVE A JOKE.I JUST LIKE THE APPLAUSE.

UM...

BUT I ACTUALLY JUST GRADUATEDHIGH SCHOOL.

[ Lisping ]SENIORS '08!

[ Normal voice ] AND SO THISNEXT SONG IS FROM FIRST-PERSON.

[ MID-TEMPO MELODY PLAYS ]

♪ HIGH-SCHOOL PARTY,SENIOR YEAR ♪

♪ BOYS AND GIRLS,THEY'RE ALL SIPPING ON BEER ♪

♪ I LIKE SODA,WHERE'S THE SODA? ♪

♪ AM I THE ONLY [BLEEP] PERSONHERE THAT LIKES SODA? ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT.

♪ I SEE HERFROM ACROSS THE CROWD ♪

♪ I SAID THE PARTY IS BUMPIN'AND THE MUSIC IS LOUD ♪

♪ YOU'RE REALLY DRUNKAND YOU'RE LOOKING SAD ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE A CRAIGSLIST AD

♪ GIRL, THEN WE START TO DANCE

♪ AND, GIRL, BABY,THIS IS ROMANCE ♪

♪ GIRL, I'M STARTING TO GROWDOWN BELOW ♪

♪ [BLEEP]WHY DID I WEAR SWEATPANTS? ♪

♪ GIRL, YOUR BODY'S LIKE WOOD

♪ CONJUNCTION JUNCTION,THAT'S A FINE ASS, BUD ♪

♪ I'M LIKE A CASHEWIN A LOLLIPOP ♪

♪ JUST KEEP SUCKINGTILL YOU GET TO THE NUT ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LIKED IT.

YO.

♪ YOU'RE GONNA LOVE METHE WAY MY UNCLE DID ♪

♪ EXCEPT YOU'RE NOT GONNA GOTO COURT FOR DOING IT ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T APPLAUD THAT.

♪ BE A GUILLOTINEOR MY GIRL INSTEAD ♪

♪ EITHER WAY, I SAID,YOU'RE GIVING ME [BLEEP] ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU, BABY,THE RIGHT WAY ♪

♪ A SHORTY WITH A BODYLOOKING HOTTIE WHEN I SAY ♪

♪ GIRL

♪ WE GO INTO THE BEDROOM

♪ EXCHANGING NERVOUS LAUGHTER

♪ WHY'S IT CALLED DRY HUMPING IFI ALWAYS NEED A TOWEL AFTER? ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANKS.

♪ INSERT A EUPHEMISM,A SEXY MENTAL PRISM ♪

♪ INCREASE MY PELVIC RHYTHMFOR YOU IN MY SYLLOGISM ♪

♪ I KNOW YOUR BODY,AND I KNOW HOW TO PLEASE YA ♪

♪ DON'T THANK ME,THANK WIKIPEDIA ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ WELL, GUYS DON'T GO [BLEEP]WELL, I AM ♪

♪ WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS THAT?

♪ I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHTMY DIAGRAM ♪

♪ OOH, DID YOU FEEL THAT?

♪ THAT WAS AN EDUCATED GUESS

♪ OOH, YEAH,DID YOU FEEL THAT? ♪

♪ THAT ONE WAS A SNEEZE,SORRY ♪

♪ I'M ALLERGICTO ONE TYPE OF CAT ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ YEAH, HIGH-SCHOOL PARTY,SENIOR YEAR ♪

♪ NONE OF THAT HAPPENED'CAUSE I WASN'T INVITED ♪

AWW!AWW!AWW!AWW!

THANK YOU.

UM, DON'T WORRY, I'M HILARIOUS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY, THIS IS A SONG...

LET'S BRING THIS DOWN.

[ MID-TEMPO MELODY PLAYS ]

♪ EVERY TIME I GO TO DINNER

♪ SEEMS LIKE I'M GETTINGA LITTLE BIT THINNER ♪

♪ I'LL SIT DOWNAT THE BREAKFAST TABLE ♪

♪ I CAN TALK, THEY'RE NOT ABLE

♪ WHEN I LOOK AT THEM, I FIND

♪ THERE'S A SINGLE QUESTIONON THEIR MIND ♪

♪ I WISH IT COULD GO BACKTO THE WAY IT WAS ♪

♪ IT'S NOT EASY NOWBEC-A-A-AUSE ♪

♪ MY WHOLE FAMILYTHINKS I'M GAY ♪

♪ I GUESSIT'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY ♪

♪ MAYBE IT'S 'CAUSE OF THE WAYTHAT I WALK ♪

♪ MAKES THEM THINK I LIKE BOYS

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERING ]

OKAY, STOP IT.

♪ THE GODDAMN QUESTIONJUST WON'T GO AWAY ♪

♪ AND I GET ASKEDEVERY SINGLE DAY ♪

♪ BUT THE WAY THEY ASK ITIS NOT A DISGUISE ♪

♪ LIKE, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?DO YOU LIKE TO KISS GUYS? ♪

THAT'S...FUNNY.

♪ THIS IS THE WORST, BABY,THIS WAS MY FEAR ♪

♪ NOW THEIR OPINIONSARE CRYSTAL-CLEAR ♪

♪ BECAUSE MY WHOLE FAMILY NOWIS SHOCKED ♪

♪ I'M IN THE CLOSET,AND THE DOOR IS LOCKED ♪

♪ NOW MY GLORY DAYS ARE GONE

♪ I WAS JOHN ELWAY,NOW I'M ELTON JOHN ♪

♪ AND MY WHOLE FAMILYNOW SUSPECTS ♪

♪ THAT WATCHING "SpongeBob"HAD SIDE EFFECTS ♪

♪ I'M NOT GAY,AND THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪

♪ IF I'M GAY,HEY, GOD, STRIKE ME DEAD ♪

[ LAUGHS ]

[ COUGHS ]

[ POUNDS KEYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ MELODY RESUMES ]

♪ JUST 'CAUSE I'M AFRAIDOF THE SNOW ♪

♪ OR MY FAVORITE COLORIS THE RAINBOW ♪

THAT'S A JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ I DON'T MEAN TO YELL,BUT I FEAR I MUST ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M LOSING THE PEOPLETHAT I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST ♪

♪ BECAUSE EVEN MY BOYFRIENDTHINKS I'M GAY ♪

♪ JUST...

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ YOU ALL PROBABLY THINKI'M GAY ♪

♪ MAN, THIS SONG ISCOUNTERPRODUCTIVE ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA

♪ BECAUSE MY WHOLE FAMILYTHINKS I'M GAY ♪

♪ WHAT IF THEY KNOW, ANYWAY?

♪ YOU GOT TO LOOKRIGHT THROUGH THE HAZE ♪

♪ EASY-BAKE OVENWAS JUST A PHASE ♪

♪ AND MY WHOLE FAMILYTHINKS I'M QUEER ♪

♪ THAT IS ALL I EVER HEAR

♪ BUT I'VE BEEN AS STRAIGHTAS A RAMP ♪

♪ IF YOU DON'T COUNTBIBLE CAMP ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]THANKS.

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