Bend Her

  • Season 4, Ep 15
  • 07/20/2003

Bender becomes an Olympic fembot and wins the love of a famous robot.

Captioning sponsored by MTV NETWORK

( playing Olympic theme )

( starter clicking )

SPORTSCASTER:Welcome to the gamesof the 3004 Earth Olympiad,

continuingthis network's tradition

of sportscasting excellence.

Celebrity Ape Fight will returnnext week at its regular time.

FRY: So who should I root for?

America? Or oneof those countries

I learned aboutat the food court?

How about those guys?

LEELA:No, they're from the Republic

of French Stereotypes.

Everybody hates them.

Oh, let's go checkon Hermes.

All this inspiringmulticulturalism

is angrying up my blood.

Sweden?

I don't think so.

Go on, Stick-- touch me.

Can't do it.

Husband, you haven't been

an Olympic-class limbo-erfor 20 years.

Quit lying to your pudgy self.

It does seem like Jamaica

would be able to fielda strong limbo team without you.

Yeah. Isn't thatbasically allJamaicans do?

Jamaicans haveother interests.

Which is why the limbo teamgot detained at the airport.

That's when theybegged my husband

to step in and makean ass out of himself.

And I said I'd try my very best.

But have they seenyour, you know...

physiquesince the old days?

I described it to themon the phone,

using a seriesof artful euphemisms.

Don't worry,the fat pig will do fine,

thanks to this flab-o-dynamicspandex body suit I've designed.

It redistributeshis weight,

shifting his center of gravitycloser to his knees.

Oh, that's snug.

( gasping )

Those haven'tdescended in years.

Now that's a limbo-er's body.

( cheering )

Look at that fineJamaican bacon.

Shut-up, Zoidberg.

The robot bending eventsare starting.

Something tells meI could easily beat

those trained professionals.

( crowd cheering )

Wow. That guymust be, like

the world'sgreatest bender.

My dreams of glory diedbefore they began.

Welcome to my life.

( sobbing )

ANNOUNCER:Athletes, please take your lanesfor the men's 500-meter limbo.

Hermes Conrad.

Is that you insidethat dumpy little fat man?

( gasping ):Barbados Slim!

What are youdoing here?

Last time I heard,you were in Barbados.

Yes, and I'll begoing back there

with a gold medal

draped around my elegantCaribbean shoulders.

( confident laughter )

Your body may be asperfectly sculpted

as it was 20 years ago

when you whupped my fat assevery time we met,

but today, I feel lucky.

( scrunching )

I see you're still able

to limbo under the barof fashion sense.

( laughing )

That's it, Barbados Slim.

You've gone one tokeover the line.

Limbo-ers,on your marks.

et rubbery.

Limbo!

ANNOUNCER:There they go

and Barbados Slimtakes an early lead.

God, I hope he wins.

( panting hard )

What's this?

Hermes Conradis closing the gap.

He's limbo'd out of retirementand straight into my heart.

I say "Go to hell,Barbados Slim."

Go, bodysuit, go!

( crowd cheering )

Come on, Hermes!

Beat that mahogany god!

It's Barbados, then Conrad!

Conrad pulls ahead.

( sloshing )

( crowd screaming )

And Conrad is disqualified!

Barbados Slim, my hero,takes the gold.

Aw, there, there, Hermes,you did your best.

If I'd wanted a human Adonisfor a husband,

I'd have stayed marriedto Barbados Slim.

Well, enough about Hermes.

I couldn't win a medal either

even at bending,the thing I was built to do.

I'm so embarrassed, I wisheverybody else was dead.

Up next...

the fembot bending competition.

Fembots?

( evil laughter )

Methinks a clever manbot,suitably disguised

might win those events,

but the charade would requiresubtlety, nuance... grace.

What do you mean,I'm not registered?!

My name is Coilette

and I'm from,uh... Robonia!

Coilette's a chick's name.

Yes, but Roboniasounds like something

somebody made upon the spot.

Ever been beaten up

by a guy dressedlike a chick?

And it's straight!

Coilette wins!

Another gold medal forthe spunky maid from Robonia.

A perfect bendand a flawless entry.

No splash at all.

Perfect scores.

A record five gold medalsfor Coilette.

I'm great!

Everybody else sucks!

Except that guy Bender.

He's really something.

( long hoot )

All medalists reportfor gender testing.

( choked cry )

You actually thoughtthey'd let you

walk away without anengine oil sex check?

Oh, God, I'm not goingto get my medals.

They're all I haveto remember my Olympic career.

Wait! I've got it!

Professor, make awoman out of me.

Oh, I think we shouldjust stay friends.

I don't need friends.

I need a sexchange operation

and give it to me now.

Bender, a robot sex change

is a complexand dangerous procedure.

Replacing your testosteroilwith fembot lubricants

can cause wild mood swings

and the effectsmay be irreversible.

Well, let's get started.

No, you can't!

If you have even theslightest respect

for the dignityof women...

Pfft.

I'm sorry, ladies,but I must do this.

Not for you,not for Bender

but for the proud peopleof Robonia!

I can't watch this'cause it's creepy

and wrong and sick.

However, I will watchout of curiosity.

Quiet! I'm about tobegin the process

of reshaping Bender's bodyinto a tender, delicate form.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ooh! Ow! Ow!

Draining male oil.

( moans )

( thuds )

Infusing female oil.

( oil gurgling )

Removing item.

( gulps )

( snips )

We can't wait for Coiletteany longer, damn it.

I have to get home to watchthe zombie Osbournes.

I'm ready for my test,now, boys.

♪ Hail, hail, Robonia ♪

♪ The land I didn't make up. ♪

( crowd cheering )

( smooches )

Ooh, yeah, come on, baby. Ugn.

Ooh, goodness.

Oh, yeah, baby,come on.

Work your cans.

Yeah, shake it out.

I don't know which I'm more--enraged or disgusted.

I'm just out there makingus ladies look good.

Nuh-uh. You're making uslook like jerks

in front of the other genders.

But you're not reallya lady anyway, right?

Of course not.

Dear lord-- a coaster.

The Femmzoilmust be sashaying

girlishlyinto your processor.

Then change me back.

My breasts arekeeping me awakeat night anyway.

( phone ringing )

Hello?

What? A guest spoton Late Night with Humorbot 5.0?

I'd love to.

( gasping ):My own limo?!

No, I don't have my own limo.

You'd better send one.

I need a rain check onthat nad swap, Professor.

I'm going on TV.

Come on, Fry, help mepick out a pantsuit.

MECHANICAL VOICE: So, Calculon,

do you want toset up this clip

from All My Circuits?

No, I thinkit's self-explanatory.

( anguished cry ):No!!

Funny story--the script called for me

to say "Yes,"but I gave it a little twist.

Anecdote accepted.

Snappy comeback not found.

Please put your hands together

for my next guest,winner of five Olympic medals,

Coilette, from Robonia.

( cheering and applause )

So, Coilette, manyyoung fembots

wish to emulate you.

Any advice for them?

Yes, Humorbot-- if you ask me,women today are too stuck up

to go outand jiggle their Jell-O

like everybody wants them to.

In fact, should I do it now?

( lecherous hooting )

All right, then.

( disco music playing )

Whoo! Look out, baby.Work it out.

Oh, shake that thing.

You got to use it, lady.

Shake it up a little.

That's right. Come on.

Break it out.

( thunderous applause )

Madam, I am oneimpressed celebrity.

Oh, I bet yousay that to all

the five-Olympic-gold-medal-winning fembots.

From this day forth, I shalldo so whenever possible.

Golly.

What?

Coilette, this maybe presumptuous...

That's my favoritekind of "this."

But I wouldbe honored

if you would join mefor dinner sometime.

ALL:Whoo!

Calculon, you'd be fulfilling

this naive Robonianfarm girl's fantasy.

Of course I would.

This top makes me look fat.

Is it trampy to goon a first date nude?

Yes.

Perfect.

You got to tell me.

You're notactually attracted

to Calculon, right?

And if you are, don't tell me.Are you?

Certainly not.

But just onceI'd like to eat dinner

with a celebritywho isn't bound and gagged.

Is that so much to ask?

Well, I think you datinga manbot is a disgrace

and I refuseto be involved.

And you haveway too much lipstick on.

Are you kidding?

I need more lipstick!

Much more.

Ooh, yeah, that's the stuff.

Men love itwhen you really glob it on

No, they don't!No way!

Uh, please. Every manwants a tramp.

No wonder you girlsaren't married.

( giggles )

I tell you, men are so muchbetter at being women.

But what if hewants to...?

I mean, if hetries to...?

Barry White?

I'll just tell himI need a commitment first.

That'll stick a potatoin his tailpipe.

Good Lord, man!

What kind of temporary womanare you?

Look, why don't all of youjust back off?

( whining ):Can't a girl enjoy herselfwithout being judged?!

Oh, dear, her mood swingsare getting wilder.

She's becoming a slaveto her emotions.

Just like all women.

Particularly you, Leela.

I'm worried abouthim, too, Professor

( smacking and gulping )

Hey, ma'am,you sure can put it away.

You saved mea trip to the dump. Bam!

I'd appreciate it

if you didn't bamthe young lady.

Well, I'd appreciate itif I did.

So I guess we're even.

You know, Coilette,

I've never before met a womanas fascinating as I am.

You're such a sweet,soft fembot,

yet you have this free spiritabout you.

( belches )

And there it is.

It's as if you understandthe male mind better than I.

I've never metanyone like you.

Oh, yes, you have.

Coilette,I'd like to spend

some... quality time with you.

What? Uh-uh!Oh, no way.

Not going to happen.

What kind of girldo you think I am?

Have I mentioned

that I own the world's biggestand most elegant yacht?

♪ She's a lady ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa,she's a lady ♪

♪ Talking aboutthat little lady ♪

♪ And the lady is mine.

♪ She's a lady ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa,she's a lady... ♪

Whoo! I'm a trophy girlfriend.

No kidding.

These gifts have been comingnonstop.

I thinkCalculon's falling for you.

( barking )

( muffled barking )

Bah! Any day now he'll dump mefor a new wad of arm candy.

Then I can turn back into a guyand hock all this stuff.

It's just a game.

Coilette, I can't stopthinking about you.

I can't sleep at night.

Although, as a robot,I don't do that anyway.

But if I did,I couldn't because...

I love you so.

Oh, my darling.

Will you marry me?

( voice breaking ):Oh, Calculon, yes, I will!

Maybe she's rightabout the lipstick.

I'll miss you, buddy.

You've been like a brother,and then a sister to me.

And now you're getting married.

I love you, man.

The marriage is a scam.

Cool. What's for dinner?

What do you mean,a scam?

I marry Calculon,divorce him,

take half his money

and turn backinto a guy.

It's sort ofa two-personpyramid scheme.

That's marriageall right.

That is so unbelievablymanipulative.

Come on. You never wenton a date with a guy

just 'cause you were hungry?

Well, I...

Uh, I thoughtI might like himon a full stomach.

Nice try, sister.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I need to meetwith my wedding planner.

Zoidberg!

Zoidy-poo,please tell me

frilly is in this year.

I saw a frilly cake in here

you would rememberall your life.

I know I will.

Late at night it taunts mewith its frosted beauty.

Order the cake, damn it!

I have something for you.

A remote control?

You got me a TV?

No, my dearest.

It's the remote controlto my heart.

It symbolizes the poweryou have to sway my emotions.

Will it work on my TV?

We don't need TVs.

We have each other.

Coilette, if Iweren't able

to spend mylife with you,

I would leap fromthis very balloon.

Come on with that.

Really?

Yes. We weremeant... to be!

So, you reallyand truly love me?

So much sothat I'm prepared

to give up show businessitself to be with you.

( gasping ):But you always said

you'd rather burn down a conventthan give up show business.

I always saidmany things,

but now all I wantis a peaceful life

in a quiet villaoverlooking a vineyard

with you.

Would we have donkeys?

All you could eat.

Oh, take me in your armsand compress me!

Compress me tight!

Stop. Let us climbto the heavens

that the gods themselvesmight envy us.

( beeping )

( crashing )

I just don't thinkI can go through with this scam.

( surprised comments )

So now you do wantto marry him?

No. I just don't wantto hurt him or humiliate him.

Oh, curse this woman's heart!

( sobbing )

Ick.

You're fallinginto the final

debilitatingstages of womanhood.

You've waitedtoo long to switchback, you dingbat.

Okay, look,if I help you with this,

do you promise

to get out of my genderand stay out?

Uh-huh.

All right.Now, there's no way

to stop this marriagewithout hurting Calculon,

but he's an actor.

If there's one kind of painhe can handle,

it's soap opera pain.

( church bells tolling )

( organ playing "Wedding March" )

( whispering ):Okay, iseveryone ready?

Yep.Sure.Basically.

Dearly beloved actorsand casting people,

who might be looking for someoneto play a preacher,

I welcome you.

The bride has written some vows

that we will now all pretendto be interested in.

DearestCalculon,

forever is notenough time

to tell you of themany ways I love you.

( moans )

( loud clank )

( all gasp )

Is there a doctorin the...?

I came as soonas I could.

Oh, it appearsto be a case

of Africanhydraulic fever.

Dear God, the very illnessmy TV character caught

in season twowhen I was holding out

for more money.

It's often fatal.

Whatever happens, remember,

the flame of my eternal lovewill burn forever.

Of course.But smoochy-pops,

I thought one could only catchhydraulic fever

deep in the diamond minesof the Congo.

LEELA:Coilette, you she-devil!

You really thoughtyou could steal those diamonds

from me and Congo Jack?!

Those gems belongto the natives!

( groans )

Oh, how crueland melodramatic fate is.

( wailing ):Why?!

Calculon, my darling,

your loud "why" brought mepartway back to life.

( audience gasps )

Congo Jack!

Another shocking twist!

( plays dramatic flourish )

Yes, I and have a messagefor you from Colonel Mtumbe.

He says this is from Congo Jack.

Uh... um.

( moans loudly )

No. No!

( wailing ):N-o-o-o!

I won't leave you.

Not until I'm sure

you understandthe thing I said before

about my eternal lovefor you burning...

( gasping and choking )

...et cetera.

I do.

( sobbing ):I do.

Okay, then.

( death rattle )

( munching ) Mmm...I'm a doctor. She's dead.

She lives no more.

But let us all find comfort,knowing that she truly loved me.

To honor my pain,

I shall star in a filmdedicated to her memory,

and this time the Academywill not deny me.

Not when they see Coilette: a Calculon Story.

Coilette, your deathfills me with sorrow...

anger, fear.

Every emotion an actorcan display.

Turn offthat crap-o-rama.

One mistake now, and Benderwill be trapped forever

between the alreadyill-defined robot sexes.

Oh! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

Well, Bender, I hopethis has taught you a lesson

about changing your sexto win five gold medals.

( soft, feminine voice ):It truly has.

My romance with Calculonhas shown me a lot about myself.

Almost done.

If only somehow, some way,he and I...

( normal voice ):could drive to Vegas,pick up some floozy-bots

and void their warrantiesall night long! Whoo!

Yay, my buddy's home.

And his respect for womenis back to normal.

I kind of hopedthis whole experience

would have left youa little more open

to your sensitive side.

Yeah, you'd think,but what ya gonna do?

( thunder rolling )

Coilette, the skies themselvesweep upon the sweetest flower

of all the field.

( both sigh )

Ew!Gross!

Sentimental drivel poop.

Come on, Bender,let's go.

This chick flickis getting me all barfy.

Yeah, emotions are dumband should be hated.

Good night, forever,my turtle dove.

( soft voice ):Good night, Calculon.

What did you say?

( normal voice ):I said

you two don't dresstrampy enough.

Ah, still got it.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org

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