Demon Baby

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 03/31/2010

Callie goes baby-crazy when Mark fosters a demon orphan, and Twayne notices odd changes in his body.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOWYOU.

- W-W-WHAT IS THAT?

- IT'S MY THREE HOLE.

- WHOA.

HOW DID I NOTNOTICE THAT BEFORE?

- IT JUST OPENED UP.

- OPENED UP?

HUH.

IT--IT CHANGES COLOR?

- I CAN MAKE IT BLINK TOO.

IT ALSO DOES THIS.

[grunts]

YOU THINK IT'S UGLY.

- NO.NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S JUST A LOTOF NEW INFORMATION HERE.

- DUDE, POUND THAT.

- RANDALL?

- IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

I WAS JUST WATCHINGYOU GUYS HAVE SEX.

- RANDALL!UGH!

- YOU CAN KISS THIS THREE HOLEGOOD-BYE, MARK LILLY.

- DON'T MAKE IT WEIRD.

HELLO.DUDE, YOU GOT A SWEET PIECE.

- IS THAT--THAT'S A BOOM MIC.

- YEAH, SO IF YOU COULD TRYTO PROJECT A LITTLE MORE,

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

OKAY, LET'S START AGAINFROM THE TOP.

CALLIE, COULD YOU COME IN HERE,PLEASE?

OH, SURE.FILL MY HOLE NO PROBLEM.

NO LEGS IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

YOU STAND UP FOR THE PLEDGE OFALLEGIANCE MARSHAL.

[groans]

- UGH! AH!

[glass shatteringand brakes screeching]

- [cooing]

[dark choral notes]

- OH, MY GOD.

IS THAT A DEMON BABY?

- YEAH, JUST THOUGHTI'D SHOW HIM A GOOD TIME

BEFORE I TOOK HIMTO CHILD SERVICES.

- THE ORPHANAGE?

- [retches]

[hissing]- THAT...

WHEW--REALLY BURNSQUITE A BIT.

- OH, MY DARK LORD.

- UM, DID YOUR BOOBS JUST GROWWHEN YOU TOUCHED THE BABY?

- NO.- ARE YOU SURE?

'CAUSE I-I COULD HAVE SWORN--THERE, IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

- STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS.

- I CAN'T, SO I'LL GO.

- UH, MA'AM, YOU APPEARTO BE LACTATING FIRE.

[flames whooshing]

[hissing]

- NOW, WE CAN'T CANCELHEALTH BENEFITS

FOR EMPLOYEE SPOUSES,BUT WE CAN ENCOURAGE DIVORCE.

[sniffs]

[ripping sound]

THAT IS GONNA BE AN ISSUE.

HE LOOKS LIKE HE MAY BE WEARINGDOWN.

I SHOULD PROBABLY GET HIMOVER TO THE ORPHANAGE.

- HEY, IS THIS THE BABYBUYING ROUNDS ON MY TAB AGAIN?

- NO, HE'S DONE.

IT'S FROM THE KNOCKOUTAT THE END OF THE BAR.

- ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD, BUDDY.I GOT THE BABY.

- HEY, PUT THE POOL CUE DOWN!

smack!

- I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T.CALLIE MIGHT GET MAD.

- SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU AGAIN

OVER THAT THREE HOLE THING,RIGHT?

- I GUESS, YEAH.

- SO...

WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING?

- HI, THERE.

- I CANNOT BELIEVEYOU ACCEPTED THAT DRINK.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU CAN SHAPE-SHIFT?

- DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

YOU LIKE BRUNETTES,IS THAT IT?

[in demon voice]BRUNETTE HUMANS.

- LOOK, CLEARLY YOU HAVESOMETHING ON YOUR MIND.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY IT?

- WELL, I GUESS SEEING YOUWITH THE BABY

STIRRED UPSOME CONFUSING EMOTIONS.

I WAS TRYING TO BEWHAT I THOUGHT YOU WANTED.

DID YOU KNOW THAT BEING AROUNDTHAT DEMON BABY

MADE ME LACTATE FIRE?

[whimpering]

I THINK I MAY BEIN LOVE WITH YOU.

HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL TO ME?

YOU ARE JUST LIKEMY LACROSSE COACH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST SAID.

- YOUR BABY JUST RACKED UPAN $800 BAR TAB.

HOME SAFE.

- WELL, LITTLE FELLA,

I GUESS THIS IS IT.

WE HAD SOME LAUGHS, A COUPLEOF NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES.

I HOPE I SHOWED YOUA LITTLE FUN OUT THERE.

"GOOD-BYE" IS THE HARDEST WORD,SO...

THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO DOTHIS.

-YOU THREATENED TO REMOVE MYLIVER.

- I KNOW.

STILL...

- OKAY,TIME FOR YOUR FIRST LESSON.

LET'S PRETENDWE'RE ON A DATE.

YOU'RE YOU,AND I'LL BE CALLIE.

- OKAY.

- OH, TWO DELICIOUS KNISHES.

- CALLIE, WOULD YOU LIKE MUSTARDON YOUR KNISH?

- OH, NO, THANKS.

I DON'T LIKE MUSTARD.

- ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?

EVERYBODY LIKES MUSTARD!

SUCK THAT,YOU PILE OF FILTH!

TOO MUCH PASSION.

- YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY IT,TOO MUCH PASSION.

OKAY, LET'S KEEP AT IT.

- ♪ DO WHAT LOVERS DO

♪ RIGHT FROM THE START - ♪ YEAH

- ♪ SAY WHAT LOVERS SAY

♪ TO NEVER PART - ♪ YEAH

- ♪ I'M SO GLAD I FOUND YOU

♪ I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHINGBUT YOU ♪

- OH, GOD!

[glass shatters]

OKAY, PLAN "C."

DO YOU KNOWHOW TO ROLLERBLADE?

- ♪ OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH

- MOM, YOU KNOWI NEVER WANTED KIDS.

BUT I SAW THIS DEMON BABY,AND NOW ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT

IS SQUEEZING ONEOUT OF MY SKULL.

- YOU'RE IN HEAT, DEAR.

THIS IS PERFECTLY NATURALFOR A SUCCUBUS YOUR AGE.

- WHY DIDN'T THINGS WORK OUTWITH YOU AND DADDY?

- WELL, IT WASA MORE CONFUSING TIME BACK THEN.

BEING DRUGGED BY A CULT

AND FORCIBLY IMPREGNATEDBY THE DEVIL

WAS SORT OF FROWNED UPON.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, CALLIE?I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING.

- THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVEANY MORE KIDS AFTER ME?

WERE YOU AFRAIDTHEY'D BE DEMONS TOO?

- OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

- BECAUSE HONESTLY, MOM,BEING HALF HUMAN, HALF DEMON

HAS CAUSED ME A LOT OF PROBLEMS.

- I MADE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.

I GOT YOU, AND I'M VERY HAPPYABOUT THAT.

THAT SAID,ADOPTION'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

- [gasps]YOU ARE SO HIDEOUS.

WHO'S THE SPAWN OF SATAN?

[gasps]NO, YOU ARE.

[gasps]NO, YOU ARE.

[gasps]NO, YOU ARE.

- FIFTH FLOOR.I TOLD YOU.

- NAILED IT, FRIEND.

- PRETTY CUTE, HUH?

- CALLIE, I...

I WOULD LOVE TO EATTHAT TASTY LITTLE BABY.

- AGAIN, A REAL MOOD KILLER.

- AND THIS MUST BEMR. MAGGOTBONE.

- THERE IS NO MR. MAGGOTBONE.

- BONE RAPER.

TWAYNE THE BONE RAPER.

- AH, OF THE CONNECTICUTBONE RAPERS.

- ONE AND THE SAME.

- SUCH A PROUD NAMEWITH A PROUD HISTORY.

YOU MUST BE PROUD.

ANYWAY, YOU'RE NOT GETTINGTHE KID.

- WHY?

- BECAUSE YOU'D BEA SINGLE MOTHER, DEAR.

- THAT IS TOTALLY SEXIST.

- IT'S FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY,TRUST ME.

ONCE THESE BABIES START TO MOLT,YOU'LL NEED TWO DEMON PARENTS

WITH PROVEN UPPER-BODY STRENGTH.

- [grunting]

ARE YOU THINKINGWHAT I'M THINKING?

- SICKENINGLY...

YES.

[sobs]

- WHO NEEDS CHARM WHEN YOUGOT 'EM BY THE SHORT HAIRS?

BOOYAH.

Loading...