Demon Baby

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 03/31/2010

Callie goes baby-crazy when Mark fosters a demon orphan, and Twayne notices odd changes in his body.

- W-W-WHAT IS THAT?

- IT'S MY THREE HOLE.

- WHOA.

HOW DID I NOTNOTICE THAT BEFORE?

- IT JUST OPENED UP.

- OPENED UP?

HUH.

IT--IT CHANGES COLOR?

- I CAN MAKE IT BLINK TOO.

IT ALSO DOES THIS.

[grunts]

YOU THINK IT'S UGLY.

- NO.NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S JUST A LOTOF NEW INFORMATION HERE.

- DUDE, POUND THAT.

- RANDALL?

- IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

I WAS JUST WATCHINGYOU GUYS HAVE SEX.

- RANDALL!UGH!

- YOU CAN KISS THIS THREE HOLEGOOD-BYE, MARK LILLY.

- DON'T MAKE IT WEIRD.

HELLO.DUDE, YOU GOT A SWEET PIECE.

- IS THAT--THAT'S A BOOM MIC.

- YEAH, SO IF YOU COULD TRYTO PROJECT A LITTLE MORE,

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

OKAY, LET'S START AGAINFROM THE TOP.

CALLIE, COULD YOU COME IN HERE,PLEASE?

OH, SURE.FILL MY HOLE NO PROBLEM.

[groans]

- UGH! AH!

[glass shatteringand brakes screeching]

- [cooing]

[dark choral notes]

- OH, MY GOD.

IS THAT A DEMON BABY?

- YEAH, JUST THOUGHTI'D SHOW HIM A GOOD TIME

BEFORE I TOOK HIMTO CHILD SERVICES.

- THE ORPHANAGE?

- [retches]

[hissing]- THAT...

WHEW--REALLY BURNSQUITE A BIT.

- OH, MY DARK LORD.

- UM, DID YOUR BOOBS JUST GROWWHEN YOU TOUCHED THE BABY?

- NO.- ARE YOU SURE?

'CAUSE I-I COULD HAVE SWORN--THERE, IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

- STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS.

- I CAN'T, SO I'LL GO.

- UH, MA'AM, YOU APPEARTO BE LACTATING FIRE.

[flames whooshing]

[hissing]

- NOW, WE CAN'T CANCELHEALTH BENEFITS

FOR EMPLOYEE SPOUSES,BUT WE CAN ENCOURAGE DIVORCE.

[sniffs]

[ripping sound]

THAT IS GONNA BE AN ISSUE.

I SHOULD PROBABLY GET HIMOVER TO THE ORPHANAGE.

- HEY, IS THIS THE BABYBUYING ROUNDS ON MY TAB AGAIN?

- NO, HE'S DONE.

IT'S FROM THE KNOCKOUTAT THE END OF THE BAR.

- ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD, BUDDY.I GOT THE BABY.

- HEY, PUT THE POOL CUE DOWN!

smack!

- I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T.CALLIE MIGHT GET MAD.

- SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU AGAIN

OVER THAT THREE HOLE THING,RIGHT?

- I GUESS, YEAH.

- SO...

WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING?

- HI, THERE.

- I CANNOT BELIEVEYOU ACCEPTED THAT DRINK.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU CAN SHAPE-SHIFT?

- DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

YOU LIKE BRUNETTES,IS THAT IT?

[in demon voice]BRUNETTE HUMANS.

- LOOK, CLEARLY YOU HAVESOMETHING ON YOUR MIND.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY IT?

- WELL, I GUESS SEEING YOUWITH THE BABY

STIRRED UPSOME CONFUSING EMOTIONS.

I WAS TRYING TO BEWHAT I THOUGHT YOU WANTED.

DID YOU KNOW THAT BEING AROUNDTHAT DEMON BABY

MADE ME LACTATE FIRE?

[whimpering]

I THINK I MAY BEIN LOVE WITH YOU.

HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL TO ME?

YOU ARE JUST LIKEMY LACROSSE COACH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST SAID.

- YOUR BABY JUST RACKED UPAN $800 BAR TAB.

HOME SAFE.

- WELL, LITTLE FELLA,

I GUESS THIS IS IT.

WE HAD SOME LAUGHS, A COUPLEOF NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES.

I HOPE I SHOWED YOUA LITTLE FUN OUT THERE.

"GOOD-BYE" IS THE HARDEST WORD,SO...

- I KNOW.

STILL...

- OKAY,TIME FOR YOUR FIRST LESSON.

LET'S PRETENDWE'RE ON A DATE.

YOU'RE YOU,AND I'LL BE CALLIE.

- OKAY.

- OH, TWO DELICIOUS KNISHES.

- CALLIE, WOULD YOU LIKE MUSTARDON YOUR KNISH?

- OH, NO, THANKS.

I DON'T LIKE MUSTARD.

- ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?

EVERYBODY LIKES MUSTARD!

SUCK THAT,YOU PILE OF FILTH!

TOO MUCH PASSION.

- YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY IT,TOO MUCH PASSION.

OKAY, LET'S KEEP AT IT.

- ♪ DO WHAT LOVERS DO

♪ RIGHT FROM THE START - ♪ YEAH

- ♪ SAY WHAT LOVERS SAY

♪ TO NEVER PART - ♪ YEAH

- ♪ I'M SO GLAD I FOUND YOU

♪ I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHINGBUT YOU ♪

- OH, GOD!

[glass shatters]

OKAY, PLAN "C."

DO YOU KNOWHOW TO ROLLERBLADE?

- ♪ OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH

- MOM, YOU KNOWI NEVER WANTED KIDS.

BUT I SAW THIS DEMON BABY,AND NOW ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT

IS SQUEEZING ONEOUT OF MY SKULL.

- YOU'RE IN HEAT, DEAR.

THIS IS PERFECTLY NATURALFOR A SUCCUBUS YOUR AGE.

- WHY DIDN'T THINGS WORK OUTWITH YOU AND DADDY?

- WELL, IT WASA MORE CONFUSING TIME BACK THEN.

BEING DRUGGED BY A CULT

AND FORCIBLY IMPREGNATEDBY THE DEVIL

WAS SORT OF FROWNED UPON.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, CALLIE?I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING.

- THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVEANY MORE KIDS AFTER ME?

WERE YOU AFRAIDTHEY'D BE DEMONS TOO?

- OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

- BECAUSE HONESTLY, MOM,BEING HALF HUMAN, HALF DEMON

HAS CAUSED ME A LOT OF PROBLEMS.

- I MADE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.

I GOT YOU, AND I'M VERY HAPPYABOUT THAT.

THAT SAID,ADOPTION'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

- [gasps]YOU ARE SO HIDEOUS.

WHO'S THE SPAWN OF SATAN?

[gasps]NO, YOU ARE.

[gasps]NO, YOU ARE.

[gasps]NO, YOU ARE.

- FIFTH FLOOR.I TOLD YOU.

- NAILED IT, FRIEND.

- PRETTY CUTE, HUH?

- CALLIE, I...

I WOULD LOVE TO EATTHAT TASTY LITTLE BABY.

- AGAIN, A REAL MOOD KILLER.

- AND THIS MUST BEMR. MAGGOTBONE.

- THERE IS NO MR. MAGGOTBONE.

- BONE RAPER.

TWAYNE THE BONE RAPER.

- AH, OF THE CONNECTICUTBONE RAPERS.

- ONE AND THE SAME.

- SUCH A PROUD NAMEWITH A PROUD HISTORY.

YOU MUST BE PROUD.

ANYWAY, YOU'RE NOT GETTINGTHE KID.

- WHY?

- BECAUSE YOU'D BEA SINGLE MOTHER, DEAR.

- THAT IS TOTALLY SEXIST.

- IT'S FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY,TRUST ME.

ONCE THESE BABIES START TO MOLT,YOU'LL NEED TWO DEMON PARENTS

WITH PROVEN UPPER-BODY STRENGTH.

- [grunting]

ARE YOU THINKINGWHAT I'M THINKING?

- SICKENINGLY...

YES.

[sobs]

- WHO NEEDS CHARM WHEN YOUGOT 'EM BY THE SHORT HAIRS?

BOOYAH.

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