CC Presents: Patrice O'Neal

  • 04/10/2003

Patrice O'Neal puts a limit on hamburger love, and rhapsodizes about racism and going abroad.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

A LOT OF WHITE GIRLS HERE.

GIVE IT UP FOR WHITE GIRLS.

THEY GOT ASSES NOW.

(APPLAUSE)

WHITE GOT USED TO--

(CHUCKLES)

HEY, YOU ALL, I'M--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT Y'ALL EATING.

(LAUGHTER)

WHITE GIRLS USED TO BE NOTORIOUS

FOR FLAT ASSES.

IT WAS...

ON THE ASS CHART, IT USED TO BE,

AH...

WHITE GIRLS, CHINESE BOYS,

THEN, AH...

(LAUGHTER)

POLICE.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW WHITE GIRLS FEEL HAVING

THE ASSES NOW?

Y'ALL USED TO THROW UP

EVERY TIME SOMEBODY SAID YOU HAD

A FAT ASS BACK IN THE DAY.

OH, DAMN, WHITE GIRL, YOU GOT A

FAT ASS.

(PANTING AND POUTING)

I GOT A--

I GOT--

(LAUGHTER)

OH, MY GOD, I ATE SO MANY

AIR AND SALAD SANDWICHES.

MY ASS IS FAT.

NOW, ASIAN GIRLS RUN THAT

WHOLE THING.

YEAH.

ASIAN GIRLS' ASSES LOOK LIKE

CD CASES.

THEY-- I--

(LAUGHTER)

CHINESE GIRLS' ASSES ARE JUST

NOT THERE.

GOD BLESS INDIAN GIRLS, TOO.

AND I MEAN THE--

THESE INDIAN GIRLS.

REMEMBER--

IT'S SAD NOW.

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T--

EVERYBODY FULL OF--

NO, IT-- YOU CAN'T EVEN HAVE

FUN NO MORE.

EVERYBODY GOTTA BE CAREFUL.

PEOPLE LIKE HEY, WHAT--

YOU KNOW, YOU ASK SOMEBODY.

"WHAT ARE YOU?"

AND THEY BE LIKE, "INDIAN."

THE FIRST THING YOU GO IS--

THIS ONE OR WHOO-WHOO?

WHICH ONE?

YOU A WHOO-WHOO OR--

(LAUGHTER)

HE DIDN'T THROW THE BABY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HE JUST HELD IT OVER THE RAIL.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHY Y'ALL BOTHERING MIKE

LIKE THAT, MAN?

YOU SEE CHER ON TV?

OH, MAHO HE.

THAT'S MY IMPRESSION OF CHER.

"OH, LOOK, MICHAEL.

THAT WAS THE WORST THING I EVER

SEEN ANYBODY DO TO A BABY."

SHUT UP, CHER, JACK ASS.

IT'S EASY TO MESS WITH

THE FINISHING THE BUSINESS MIKE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF THAT WAS THRILLER MIKE,

HE COULDA KICKED THE BABY

IN THE CROWD.

SHE WOULDA BEEN LIKE, "OH, I--

OOH, OOH, MICHAEL, HE LOVE HIS

FANS SO MUCH, HE KICK HIS BABY

IN THE CROWD.

OH, CAN I DO A DUET WITH YOU,

MICHAEL?"

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SNIPER?

WHEN HE WAS A WHITE GUY, MAN,

WE HEARD A LOT ABOUT HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN HE WAS A WHITE GUY,

HE WAS A GENIUS...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A MASTERMIND, A DIABOLICAL,

INSIDIOUS MADMAN.

THE COUNTRY IS IN GRIPS

OF TERROR BEHIND THIS AMAZING--

HOW'S HE ESCAPING?

HE MUST BE BUILDING HIS OWN

HELICOPTERS, AND FLYING...

NOW YOU BEEN DOWNGRADED TO

NIGGER IN A BUICK.

NOW YOU DON'T HEAR NOTHING

ABOUT HIM.

TYPE UP, "SNIPER" ON THE

INTERNET.

"PAGE NOT FOUND."

CAN'T FIND HIM.

"NIGGER IN A BUICK."

THE PICTURE'S THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S SAD.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE PROUD

OR UPSET, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE WE COME A LONG WAY, MAN,

WE COULD DO SOME WHITE GUY

CRIMES.

THAT TRADITIONAL WHITE GUY

STUFF.

SNIPER?

NOBODY THOUGHT THAT WAS A

BLACK DUDE, MAN.

THAT'S TRADITIONAL CRAZY

WHITE GUY STUFF.

LIKE CHLOROFORMING WOMEN.

THAT'S A WHITE GUY CRIME.

CHLOROFORM 'EM.

(SOUNDS OF LADY FAINTING)

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHITE GUY'S

THE CHLOROFORMER IN THE PARK.

"MISS, DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?

MISS, DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?"

"YES, SURE.

IT'S--"

(SOUNDS OF LADY FAINTING)

WAKE UP HANGING IN THE BASEMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

HE BE IN THE CORNER LIKE...

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

BLACK GUY COULDN'T BE THE

CHLOROFORMERS.

"MISS, CAN I HAVE THE TIME?"

"NO, I CAN'T HELP YOU."

HE'D BE STANDING THERE WITH

THE FUMES.

(LAUGHTER)

"EXCUSE ME.

YOU GOT THE TIME?

I'M THE CHLOROFORMER."

WHITE DUDES NOW.

WHITE DUDES ARE FINISHED, MAN.

YOU ARE.

YOU REALLY ARE.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE.

IT'S SAD FOR ME.

IT'S NO FUN, NO FUN NO MORE.

YOU CAN'T BE RACIST.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

I'M SO HAPPY I COULD BE RACIST

NOW.

ISN'T THAT FANTASTIC?

PEOPLE LOOK AT ME LIKE,

"OH, YOU'RE A--

OH, THAT'S--

MAN, YOU'RE A RACIST, MAN."

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

'CAUSE ARABS ARE THE NEW

(BLEEP), MAN.

ARABS--

(LAUGHTER)

AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW IT.

BLACK PEOPLE, WE ARE REALLY GOOD

AT BEING RACIST, MAN.

BLACK PEOPLE LOOK AT ARABS

LIKE WHITE PEOPLE LOOK AT US.

WE-- "OH, OH, I-- OH."

(LAUGHTER)

"OH.

OFFICER, OFFICER--"

WE CALL 'EM "THEM."

YOU KNOW IT?

I'M A FILTHY RACIST.

YUP.

UH-HUH.

I'M A DIRT BAG.

I AM NO GOOD.

BLACK AND WHITE PEOPLE RULE

THE EARTH.

WHY?

'CAUSE WE PICKED THE COLOR.

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY ELSE PICK

A COLOR, MAN?

YOU GOTTA BE SPECIFIC

ALL THE TIME.

CALL SOMEBODY JAPANESE, CHINESE,

YOU GET A BIG "WH-- WH--

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M--"

"OH, MY GOD, I MEAN YOUR EYES

DO THE SAME--"

(LAUGHTER)

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS.

PALESTINIANS DON'T LIKE TO BE

CALLED 'PAKISTANIS'.

I THOUGHT ARAB WAS ARAB.

NOPE.

CALL A PAKISTANI DUDE

PALESTINIAN.

"HEY, SO, WHERE YOU FROM?

PALESTINE?"

"OH."

SPIT AT YOU, TOO.

"PAH, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE A--"

LIKE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW.

"DO I LOOK LIKE A-- PAH, PALES--

PAH."

AND YOU BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,

CAN I JUST GET MY GUM?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I REALLY DON'T CARE WHERE

YOU'RE FROM."

PEOPLE JUST LOOK AT ME ALL DAY

LONG, CALL ME BLACK, RIGHT?

BUT I DON'T GO, "WHY?

DON'T YOU SEE THE BASIAN

IN MY NOSE, HUH?

HUH?

HOW DARE YOU!"

(LAUGHTER)

I FEEL BAD FOR WHITE DUDES, MAN.

WHITE DUDES CAN'T BE RACIST.

THAT'S ALL WHITE DUDES DO

ALL DAY LONG, TRYING TO PROVE

THEY'RE NOT RACIST.

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT DID YOU FEEL ABOUT

THE O.J. VERDICT?"

"WELL, I-- I--"

THAT'S THE DOWNFALL OF

WHITE GUYS, THE O.J. VERDICT.

"HEY, MAN, YOU UPSET A BLACK

DUDE KILLED A WHITE WOMAN?"

"NO, I--

I'M UPSET WHEN ANY MAN KILLS

ANY WOMAN FOR ANY REASON.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M WALKING THROUGH HARLEM.

I'M KIND OF LOST RIGHT NOW,

BUT I SEE A FEW BLACK GUYS

WALKING TOWARDS ME.

BUT I CAN'T RUN.

IF I START RUNNING, THEY'LL CALL

ME A RACIST."

RUN, STUPID.

RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

RUN.

GET HOME.

FEEL GUILTY.

BUT BE ALIVE.

I RATHER BE--

I RATHER BE GUILTY AND ALIVE,

THAN LIKE FEELING GOOD ABOUT

MYSELF AND DEAD IN THE--

WHATEVER, MAN.

IF I'M IN KENTUCKY, AND I SEE

FIVE BALD WHITE DUDES WALKING

TOWARDS ME, I AIN'T GONNA WONDER

IF THEY GOT CANCER.

I'M GONNA GO, "OH, MAN,

I'M RUNNING."

EVEN IF THEY GO, "DUDE, WAIT!

COME HERE, MAN.

DON'T RUN.

WE COMING FROM CHEMOTHERAPY

CLASS."

(LAUGHTER)

WHITE WOMEN MAKE ME REAL

NERVOUS.

WHITE WOMEN MAKE ME NERVOUS

AS HELL, NOT RIGHT NOW,

'CAUSE THERE'S WITNESSES.

BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT--

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE AT NIGHT WHEN THEY

BY THEYSELF, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN, WALKING TOWARDS ME.

SHE COULD BE NERVOUS, TOO.

I'M A BIG DUDE LIKE--

"OH, JESUS, YEAH, A BIG,

BLACK GUY IS WALKING TOWARD ME.

I HOPE HE DOESN'T--

HOPE HE DOESN'T GRAB--"

YOU KNOW GETTING THAT FANTASY

GOING.

"HOPE HE DOESN'T GRAB ME WITH

HIS BIG, BLACK ARMS AND

THROW ME IN A TRUNK."

AND I'M THINKING THE SAME THING

LIKE, "OH JESUS, I HOPE NOBODY

KILLS THIS WHITE WOMAN, 'CAUSE

I'M GONNA GET BLAMED FOR IT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S WHY I LOOK--

I DO A LOT OF STUFF TO PROTECT

MYSELF, MAN.

I KEEP MY RECEIPTS.

I COLLECT RECEIPTS.

'CAUSE THAT'S A TRAIL OF WHERE

YOU'VE BEEN, MAN.

EVERYWHERE I GO I GET A RECEIPT.

I DON'T CARE.

AND I NEVER GO MORE THAN

A HALF-HOUR WITHOUT BUYING

SOMETHING, 'CAUSE YOU COULD

KILL SOMEBODY IN A HALF-HOUR

AND THEN YOU NEED A ALIBI.

SO EVERY 15 MINUTES,

I BUY SOMETHING.

A STICK OF GUM.

"CAN I GET MY RECEIPT FOR THAT,

PLEASE?"

"WE DON'T HAVE RECEIPTS FOR GUM,

MY FRIEND."

"WELL, YOU GONNA HAVE TO--"

"WE DON'T RECEIPTS."

"WELL, LOOK, YOU GONNA HAVE

TO WRITE ME ONE OR SOMETHING.

I GOTTA HAVE THE RECEIPTS."

"I DON'T HAVE RECEIPT!"

AND THEN YOU KNOW--

IF IT'S LIKE THAT, I'LL END UP

ARGUING WITH HIM JUST SO THAT

HE REMEMBERS ME, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

(LAUGHTER)

"GIMME MY (BLEEP) DAMN RECEIPT,

PUSSY."

"WHAT-- WHAT?"

"YOU HEARD ME, PUNK!"

"KISS MY ASS!"

"YEAH, KISS MY ASS, TOO.

WHAT TIME IS IT?"

"5:15!"

"ALL RIGHT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"YOU WERE IN HERE MESSING

WITH ME AT 5:15.

YOU WASN'T OUT KILLING SOMEONE

'CAUSE YOU'RE IN HERE (BLEEP)

WITH ME!"

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LITTER.

I DON'T THROW GARBAGE IN THE

STREET.

NOT 'CAUSE I CARE ABOUT THE

EARTH.

BUT I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA BE

WALKING THROUGH THE PARK

DRINKING A SODA.

AND WHEN I'M DONE, I JUST THROW

IT OVER MY SHOULDER, FLY OVER

A BUSH AND LAND ON SOME DEAD

WHITE WOMAN'S HEAD WITH MY

FINGERPRINTS ON THE CAN.

NOW, I'M THE PEPSI-COLA RAPIST,

'CAUSE I'M LAZY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Patrice O'Neal: I'M ONE OF

THESE DUDES, MAN, I DON'T CARE

THAT MUCH ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE.

I GOTTA SOFT SPOT IN MY HEART

FOR ANIMALS.

I'M ONE OF THEM DUDES, MAN.

I SEE A DOG.

I'M LIKE, "OH, A DOG WITHOUT

A HOME."

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, DOGGIE."

DUDE, HOMELESS DUDE.

I'M, YOU KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL KICK 'EM.

I MIGHT GIVE HIM MONEY, BUT I'LL

TRIP HIM OR SOMETHING.

IT'S FUNNY.

I DON'T LIKE TO SEE HOMELESS

DUDES WITH DOGS.

I DON'T LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GIVE HIM THE MONEY.

I BE LIKE, "YOU BETTER--

THAT'S FOR YOUR DOG.

AND I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,

YOU BETTER FEED YOUR DOG, MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU.

IT'S NOT FOR YOU, MAN.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU DIE, MAN.

YOU BETTER--

MATTER OF FACT, I'M GONNA WATCH

YOUR DOG.

YOU KNOW, GO--"

I LOVE ANIMALS, MAN.

HOW CAN YOU JUST DO SOMETHING

WRONG TO-- YOU KNOW?

THAT'S WHY SOME OF THESE

COUNTRIES, MAN, THE FOOD THEY

EAT.

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M GONNA SAY CHINA, BUT I DON'T

MEAN CHINA.

I JUST MEAN LIKE COUNTRIES

THAT CHINESE PEOPLE COME FROM.

LIKE--

(LAUGHTER)

WHATEVER.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YOU KNOW THEY EAT OUR PETS, MAN.

YOU KNOW?

THAT'S WHAT THEY EAT.

OUR PETS.

THE THINGS WE LOVE.

(KISSING SOUNDS)

THEY EAT.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW CAN YOU EAT A PUPPY, MAN?

I'D BE SKINNY IF I HAD TO KILL

MY OWN FOOD, MAN.

I'M REALLY GLAD MY FOOD COMES

MURDERED FOR ME.

IF I HAD TO SHOOT A COW

IN THE FACE FOR MY HAMBURGER,

YOU KNOW, YOU STICK A GUN--

YOU KNOW HOW DEAD YOU ARE,

COW (BLEEP)?

I MEAN I'M READY TO EAT A--

AND THE COW'S JUST LOOKING

AT ME.

YOU'D BE LIKE, "DAMN, I CAN'T

KILL THE COW."

I COULD KILL FISH, THOUGH,

'CAUSE FISH DON'T HAVE ANY

EYEBROWS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE DO A LOT OF STUFF TO FISH

THAT AIN'T RIGHT, 'CAUSE AS SOON

AS YOU CATCH IT IT'S SUFFOCATING

BUT THE EYES DON'T--

SO IT DON'T--

SO IT CAN'T SCREAM, YOU KNOW.

SO, YOU JUST WANNA HURT A FISH.

THAT'S THE SAME FOR A DUDE.

IF YOU WERE STABBING A DUDE,

AND HE JUST WAS STANDING THERE

NOT BLINKING AND--

AND NOT SAYING--

BUT HE CAN'T BREATH AND HIS EYES

AIN'T--

AND HE JUST--

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, HE REALLY DYIN'.

YOU LIKE, "YOU BETTER BLINK!"

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KILL HIM.

SO, POOR FISH.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

AH, I JUST STARTED REALIZING

I NEVER THOUGHT I WAS AMERICAN,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, TILL I

LEFT.

YOU KNOW?

OR TO YOUR TAX, MAN.

I DIDN'T LIKE AMERICA.

NOBODY--

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T LIKE AMERICA,

BUT NOW I DO BECAUSE I TRAVEL.

THEY HATE US IN OTHER COUNTRIES,

MAN.

WHEN I GO TO OTHER COUNTRIES,

MAN, I LOOK FOR PEOPLE--

I DON'T CARE IF YOU GOT KKK ON

YOUR KNUCKLE, BIG TIME REDNECK,

MAN.

IF I SEE YOU IN ANOTHER COUNTRY,

YOU'RE MY BROTHER, 'CAUSE THEY

HATE US, MAN, THE SAME--

CALL YOU "YANK."

YANK.

AND THEY SAY IT WITH THAT--

YANK, THAT REAL EVIL,

'CAUSE WE'RE ARROGANT.

THAT'S WHY THEY HATE US,

'CAUSE WE'RE ARROGANT.

OUR ARROGANCE IS FAR SUPERIOR

THAN ANYONE ELSE, 'CAUSE WE

DON'T CARE WHAT OUR AR--

WE DON'T--

'CAUSE WE'RE NOT NUMBER ONE

IN ANYTHING, I DON'T THINK.

BASKETBALL.

WHATEVER, SPORTS.

BUT WE'RE NOT EVEN NUMBER ONE

IN THAT REALLY, AND WE'RE JUST

ARROGANT.

WE DON'T CARE.

WE DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF NOBODY

ELSE'S PRESIDENT.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY KNOW G.W.

THEY KNOW HIM.

EVERY COUNTRY KNOWS G.W.

YOU ASK SOMEBODY--

BUT THE THING IS WHY THEY

HATE US IS 'CAUSE WE DON'T KNOW

AND WE DON'T CARE.

'CAUSE YOU BE LIKE, "WHAT, SAY,

DO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF

MY COUNTRY'S LEADER?"

YOU BE LIKE, "NO."

AND THEY BE LIKE, "WELL,

HIS NAME--"

"DON'T TELL ME THAT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"I DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

WE REFER TO OUR SPORTS CHAMPIONS

AS WORLD CHAMPS, AND WE DON'T

PLAY NOBODY ELSE IN THE WHOLE

WORLD.

WE JUST PLAY PEOPLE FROM OTHER

CITIES, MAN.

"THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS ARE

THE WORLD CHAMPS OF LOS ANGELES

AND REST OF THE WORLD,

'CAUSE NOBODY CAN STOP SHAQ

ANYWAY, SO WE'RE WORLD CHAMPS."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SO ARROGANT THAT WHEN

I TRAVEL TO OTHER PEOPLE'S

COUNTRIES, I REFER TO THEM

IN THEIR COUNTRY AS "FOREIGNER."

I ACT LIKE THEY VISITIN' ME.

I LOOK AT 'EM LIKE, "OH, WHERE

ARE YOU FROM, MAN?

WHERE ARE YOU FROM!"

(LAUGHTER)

"AND THE CLOTHES YOU GOT ON,

FOREIGNERS.

AH, WHO THE--

WHAT IS THIS LANGUAGE YOU'RE

SPEAKING HERE IN TURKEY?

SPEAK ENGLISH!"

DON'T WE?

YEAH, G.W.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE G.W.

I LIKE HIM, 'CAUSE I FEEL SAFE

WITH HIM.

IN TIMES OF WAR, THIS IS GREAT.

HE A CRAZY CRACKER.

OUR PRESIDENT IS A CRAZY

CRACKER.

(LAUGHTER)

CHEW TOBACCO AND ALL TYPE

OF STUFF.

KILL YOU IN A MINUTE, MAN.

WE JUST FEEL SAFE.

WE FEEL COMFORTABLE.

WE LIKE CLINTON, 'CAUSE ALL--

"HEY, I GOT A (BLEEP)."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT IF HE WAS IN OFFICE, MAN,

"OH, YOU KNOW--"

BUT G.W., YOU SEE WHAT

HE'S DOING TO SADDAM.

SADDAM DON'T WANT NONE OF US.

HE DON'T, MAN.

HE'S TRYING HIS BEST TO--

"PLEASE, GO IN MY COUNTRY.

PLEASE, CHECK EVERYTHING."

AND G.W.'S LIKE, "DID HE JUST

CALLED ME A PUSSY, DIDN'T HE?

DIDN'T HE?

DIDN'T HE?"

"NO, MY FRIEND."

HE SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THEM DUDES

SELLING YOU A COAT.

"MY FRIEND, MY FRIEND, PLEASE.

MY FRIEND, I GIVE YOU GOOD

PRICE.

PLEASE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"DON'T DO THIS, MY FRIEND."

"OH, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

WHAT HE SAY?"

THAT'S GEORGE W., MAN.

THEY DON'T WANT NONE--

HE'S CRAZY.

HE CRAZY AND WE DON'T CARE.

HE DONE RIPPED OFF THE

PRESIDENCY ON SOME MOB STUFF.

HE STOLE IT ON SOME GANGSTA

(BLEEP).

AND BUT WE DON'T EVEN CARE.

WE'RE LIKE, "AH, WHATEVER, MAN."

HE WAS LIKE AL GORE WON FLORIDA,

AND DADDY BUSH JUST WENT

"NO, HE DIDN'T."

HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY HOW HE KNEW.

HE JUST SAID, "NO, HE DIDN'T."

WE DON'T CARE!

IF THAT CRAZY CRACKER GOT

HIS HAND ON THE BUTTON, "WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

HUH?

WHAT?

EXCUSE ME?

WHAT DID HE SAY?

(BLEEP) JUST SAID MY MOMMA,

DIDN'T HE, DIDN'T HE?"

"NO, GEORGE, DON'T!"

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEY NOT GONNA BUILD

THE WORLD TRADE CENTER SHORTER.

IT CAN'T HAPPEN.

THEY WIN.

IF THEY BUILD IT SHORTER,

THEY MIGHT BUILD IT 60 STORIES,

BUT THEN THEY'LL PUT ANOTHER

80 STORIES OF CARDBOARD ON IT

AND MAKE IT LOOK TALLER.

SHAPED LIKE MIDDLE FINGERS.

THE LIGHTS BLINKING OFF AND ON.

(ZAPPING SOUND EFFECTS)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WE DON'T CARE.

AFTER THEY BLOW UP NEW YORK,

THEY GONNA MOVE TO CHICAGO.

BLOW UP CHICAGO.

THEN BLOW UP LOS ANGELES.

AND THEN IT'LL BE ALL FINISHED.

WE BE FINISHED.

I MEAN NOT FINISHED, BUT THEY'LL

BE DONE.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "HEY,

ALL RIGHT, COOL.

IT'LL BE THREE STATES."

THEN THEY DON'T HOW CRAZY

WE ARE.

WE'LL JUST GO PUNK CANADA

INTO BEING A NEW NEW YORK.

WE'LL JUST BE LIKE,

"COME HERE, CANADA, COME HERE,

AND SHUT THE (BLEEP)--

COME HERE!

"COME HERE, CANADA."

AND THEY BE LIKE, "HEY,

WHAT DO YOU WANT, EH?"

I MEAN, "EH, MY ASS.

COME HERE, (BLEEP), COME HERE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'RE THE NEW NEW YORK.

TORONTO IS THE BRONX.

(LAUGHTER)

MONTREAL IS HARLEM.

I'M WAITING FOR 'EM TO ATTACK

ANOTHER STATE.

THAT'D BE NICE, RIGHT?

JUST TO--

IT'D BE LIKE, "WHOA."

YOU KNOW, LIKE NEBRASKA OR

WHATEVER.

NEBRA-- YOU KNOW?

BUT THEY NOT.

BUT PEOPLE IN NEBRASKA NERVOUS.

"OH, THEY GONNA COME GET

THE CORN.

WE GOTTA BE CAREFUL."

THEY NOT--

PEOPLE IN IOWA WORRIED ABOUT ALL

THE CEREAL FACTORIES BEING UNDER

ATTACK.

IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

"SIX TRACTORS WERE HIJACKED

TODAY AND DRIVEN INTO A CEREAL

FACTORY IN IOWA.

IT'S A TERRIBLE SIGHT HERE, JIM.

WE'RE LIVE AT THE RAISIN BRAN

FACTORY.

RAISIN SILO NUMBER ONE IS

COMPLETELY ENGULFED IN FLAMES.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK NEXT YEAR THERE'S ONLY

GONNA BE ONE SCOOP OF

RAISINS..."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEN RIGHT AFTER THAT,

WE'LL HAVE THE COMMEMORATIVE,

SAD CEREAL BOXES AND TONY

THE TIGER WILL BE LIKE--

(LAUGHTER)

"IT'S NOT SO GREAT RIGHT NOW."

AND HE'S--

THE MOMENT OF SILENCE OF

KRISPIES.

YOU PUT THE MILK IN IT, IT DON'T

DO (BLEEP) FOR FIVE MINUTES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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