RETURN OCTOBER 3
Trevor Noah's parents were South African mavericks, and Dov Davidoff proposes a screening process for would-be parents.
My dream was to come to America,you know.
Not for a job or moneyor anything.
I've got a great life back home.
I always came here'cause I wanted one thing,
and that isI always wanted to be black.
Um, I grew up in South Africa
during a timeknown as Apartheid.
And for those who don't know,Apartheid was a law
in the countrythat made it illegal for
black and white people to mix,
which was awkward for me becauseI grew up in a mixed family.
Uh, well, with me beingthe mixed one in the family.
Uh, my mother's a black woman,South African,
and my father's Swiss,from Switzerland,
uh, so, he was a white man,and-- Well, he still is.
It's not like he changed.
I-I say that like
through hard work anddetermination, he became black.
No, that did not happen.
And, sir, you're fine.
I see the white guy going,"Is that po..."
No, it's not possible.
You are fine, sir.
He's still very white.
And so they got together, myparents-- black mom, white dad,
which was against the law,but they didn't care.
They were mavericks, you know.
Yeah, my mom was like,
"Whoo, I don't care!
I want a white man! Whoo!"
And my dad was also--
well, you knowhow the Swiss love chocolate.
You know, so he was just...
He was in there.
And so they got together, thenthey had me, which was illegal.
So, I was born a crime.
Um, which was somethingthey never thought through.
'Cause as a family, we didn'tlive together normally.
Like, in the streets,my father had to walk
on the other side of the road.
And he could justwave at me from far.
Like a creepy pedophile.
My mom could walk with me,but if the police showed up,
she had to let goand act like I wasn't hers.
Every time, like...
(imitates a siren)
"It's not mine, it's not mine."
Felt like a bag of weed.
And one-one fateful day, uh,
you know, because I wasnever given a race--
I was never called black,never called white--
I-I had the privilege of meetingan American and he said to me,
said, "Well, you know, Trevor,it's funny you say that,
"'cause if youcome out to America,
they'll label you as black."
I said, "Really?"
He said, "Hell yeah.
Everybody's black out there."
I was like, "Well, I wantto be black, yeah."
I bought myself a plane ticket'cause I found out it's true.
Mixed race people arecategorized as black in America.
Yeah, the only catch isyou have to be successful first.
Before that,they call you mixed.
Achieve successand you get upgraded to black.
All the famous mixed peoplehave done it.
Singers like Alicia Keysand Mariah Carey:
mixed, but they say "black,"right?
Tiger Woods: mixed,but they say "black golfer."
The most famous mixed personon the planet's Barack Obama:
mixed, half and half,
but you say your first"black president."
When he was running,he was the mixed candidate.
Back then, nobody believedhe would win.
I remember comediansdissing him.
They'd come out and be like,"How many y'all seen
"that mixed-race foolrunning for president?
"Y'all seen thatcrazy-ass mixed fool?
"How some mixed foolgonna come in--
"Even a black man can't win,
"this mixed foolthink he gonna win.
"He gonna win (bleep).
"Ain't no mixed fool--I ain't seen no mixed fool
"come out herewinning the United States--
that mixed fool,that mixed fool."
And then he wonand then all of a sudden,
they were like, "My (bleep)!"
So, I see.
And I wanted black.
So, I bought myselfa plane ticket, yeah.
18 hours of flying-- that's whatI had to sit through.
18 hours of non-stop flying.
I didn't sleep a wink.
I sat on that planeand I watched every single
black American movieand TV show I could find,
just so I could practicebeing black.
I was not going to mess upthat black-ortunity.
I just sat therelike a madman in my chair,
just like watching movies,practicing,
"Yeah, yeah, you know I mean?You know I mean?
Oh, you laugh, but I landed,I landed in Miami,
and I was fluentin my black American.
For shizzle, my nizzle,I was just...
I was so black.
I was even laughing black.
I was like, "Ha, ha, ha!
Yeah! My man!"
I was super black.
Till some guy came up to meand was like, "Oh, yeah, papi!"
18 hours of flying,and I still wasn't black.
I was Puerto Rican.
we're shooting thisright next door
to the Seminole IndianHard Rock Casino,
and I've been staying therefor the last day and, uh,
I haven't seen a single Indian.
I haven't seen one Indian there.
And then you realize,the government grants
the American Indiangaming permits
as reparationsfor past wrongs.
Just seemed like a funny way tosay sorry to somebody, you know?
The government was like,"Hey, Indians, gather round.
"You know howwe raped and murdered
"and obliterated your culture?
"Do you guys like blackjack?
You gonna lovethis game, fellas."
Stop lying to me.Stop lying.
I was wa... I wasjust watching a special
on-on Christopher Columbus.
And I'm, like,after awhile, I'm like,
we're still celebratingColumbus-- what did Columbus do?
What did he do?
He discovered America?
How do you discover something
that already had seven millionIndians living there?
How is that a discovery?
That's like I take your drinkand you're like, "What the...?"
And I'm like, "Look at whatI just discovered, man."
It's not a discovery.
It's a discoveryfor white people,
but that doesn'tmake it a discovery.
Did the first black guywho banged a white chick
run back to the village like,"Fellas!
"You knowthey make this in white?
This is my discovery."
You see that?
Those are white!
I don't know, you know,
I was walking aroundthe casino earlier
and I saw, I saw...I saw people with kids.
See all these kids walkingthrough, I'm like...
Could people cool itwith the kids?
Not everybody has to have a kid.
Can't we havea screening process?
Just some sort ofbasic questionnaire.
You want to have a baby?Fill it out.
Do you have...Are you a complete screw-up?
No babies for you, man.
And then everybody's like,
they're like, "How do we definewho's a screw-up and who's not?"
Let's start here.
Are you in and out of prison
You are?No babies for you.
And by the way,if you take the Bible
or the Koran literally,word for word,
no babies for you either.
And you know who else?
If you think Red Lobster is alegitimately good restaurant...
I like it, too,but no babies for you.
Now, I have a friend of minenamed Rick Gutierrez,
who's also a comic,who was on last season,
who lives in San Antonio, Texas,
which is about an houror so away from Eagle Pass.
He bought a new car and he drovefrom Eagle Pass-- or, I'm sorry,
from San Antonio to Eagle Pass
to meet upwith us for a show that night.
After the show was over,he says,
"Hey, man," he goes,
"You wantto leave a little bit early,
"and, uh, we'll take my carand you can drive it
and the guys can catch up withus tomorrow in the tour bus."
So, I'm like,"Cool, let's take off."
So, I tell Martin and Trevorand the rest of the guys,
"I'll see you guys tomorrownight, I'm leaving with Rick."
So, we get in Rick's carand I get to drive.
(imitates car doors closing,engine revving)
We head to San Antonio.
About 30 minutesinto the drive,
we start seeing flashing lightson the side of the freeway.
And then a big signthat comes up and it says,
"Immigration checkpoint ahead."
Don't worry, this storyends differently.
So, anyways, I still getnervous, you know.
I'm driving and I pullup to the line.
(imitating car's engine slowing,tires screeching)
And I'm sitting thereand I'm just waiting
for the officer to say something
that's gonna annoythe hell out of me.
So I'm just waiting.
And here comes the officerand when he saw me, he said,
And when I heard that,in my mind,
I was like,"I'm not going to jail."
So, he's like,"Dude, what are you doing here?"
I said, "Well, we have a showtomorrow night in San Antonio
"and we'rejust passing through."
"Where's your tour bus?"
I said,"Well, my tour bus is back
in Eagle Passwith the other guys."
He goes,"Can we take a picture?"
I go, "What about, you know,cars coming?"
He goes, "There hasn'tbeen a car here in hours."
So we get out of the car,we take some pictures
with the immigration officerand the dog, you know.
(imitates dog barking,then laughs)
We get back inside, he says,
"Thank you so muchfor taking the picture with me.
"I really appreciate it, man.
We're just bored right now."
I go,"Really? You guys are bored?"
"Yeah, we're bored."
I said, "Well,my tour bus is gonna be
passing through herein about two hours."
And I says, "We have a new guyon the bus
"who's from South Africaand he's, uh, he's been bragging
"about his immigration status
"and how he never has problemswith customs or immigration
"'cause all of his paperworkis always in order.
I'm just saying,you know, if you're bored."
Next morning, you guys,I get a text from Trevor, okay?
You see how cool and calmhe is-- that text sounded mad.
I just look at it and it said,"You're a dick."
I couldn't get to Trevor fastenough to hear the story, right?
So, Martin and I,we pull up to the theater
(laughing):and, uh, we see Trevor
and he already told me inthe car, "Dude, Trevor's mad."
I'm like, I see Trevor, I'mlike, "Trevor, are you okay?"
And he just went off.
(in Trevor's accent):"Gabriel, it was insanity,I tell you.
It was insanity."
"They pulled me off the tour buslike I was a common criminal.
"I wasn't wearing any pants.
"They took away my passport,my cell phone, all of my money.
"They stuck me in a jail cellwith other criminals.
Don't you haveanything to say?"
I said, "Dude, you saidyou wanted to be black."