Wednesday, January 21, 2015

  • 01/21/2015

Emily Heller, Rene Gube and Rory Scovel of "Ground Floor" guess which inappropriate teddy bear is real, list #ToughGuyRomComs and come up with awful "Star Wars" storylines.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: VERMONT TEDDY BEARCOMPANY, AKA A LAZY MAN'S BUILD-

A-BEAR, THEY ARE COMING UNDERFIRE THIS WEEK FOR WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING MOVIE-THEMED BEARS.

A, AN AMERICAN SMIPER BEARWAY SNIPER RIFLE.

B, A 50 SHADES OF GREY BEARIN A SUIT AND HANDCUFFS.

C, A SELMA MARCHING MARTINLUTHER KING, JR. BEAR.

WELL, DON'T CLAP YET BUTJUST KNOW THAT ONE OF THOSE

IS REAL.

EMILY HELLER.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY, I HOPEIT'S B.

IF ONLY BECAUSE THAT'S NOTBASED ON REAL PEOPLE.

>> Chris: OKAY.

LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS B, 50SHADES OF GREY BEAR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THAT WAS BASED ON REALPEOPLE.

>> Chris: FIRST OF ALL, THE BEARLACKS SUPERSURPRISED TO BE

CHRISTIAN GREY.

ME?

SO COMEDIANS, GIVE US A BETTERLINE TO SELL THE 50 SHADES

OF GREY BEAR TO ITS INTENDEDAUDIENCE.

EMILY HELLER.

>> THE SEX WILL BE BEARLYCONSENUAL

>> Chris: POINTS. OH, THAT'SPERFECT.

>> GOD DAMN.

>> Chris: EMILY IS OUT FORBLOOD, RORY, YOU BETTER SAY

GOOD-BYE TO YOUR FAMILY RIGHT[BLEEP]ING NOW.

>> BYE, FAMILY.

I LOVE YOU.

I DID, I DID LOVE YOU.

>> Chris: RENE.

>> YOU'VE READ THE BOOKS,NOW [BLEEP] THE BEAR.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> [BLEEP] THAT BEAR.

>> Chris: I FEEL LIKE YOU --THAT NEEDS LIKE A TV ANNOUNCER

VOICE, LIKE YOU'VE READ THEBOOKS, NOW [BLEEP] THE BEAR.

IN THE OLD DAYS WE [BLEEP]REAL BEARS.

YOU GODDAMN KIDS TODAY[BLEEP] YOUR FAKE BEARS IN

SUITS.

BACK IN THE OLD DAY, WE HAD TOMAKE A BEAR FOR A SUIT, PUT IT

ON HIM, TAKE HIS PANTS OFF, ANDTHEN [BLEEP] HIM.

IT WAS A PROCESS.

THINGS WERE BETTER BACK THEN.

RORY.

>> COME ON, SHERYL, TREATYOURSELF.

>> Chris: POINTS, YEAH.

BY THE WAY, RORY, YOU LOOK LIKE50 SHADES OF GREY BEAR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WELL DONE. THAT THEEND OF RAPID REFRESH.

IT'S NEW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

>> Chris: GETTING INSIDE YOUROPPONENT'S HEAD IS AN IMPORTANT

PART OF COMPETITION, WHICHEXPLAINS WHY BEFORE THE SHOW I

SAW EMILY HELLER FORCE RORYSCOVEL TO EAT A HANDFUL OF

PARKING LOT DIRT.

WE FOUND THIS GIF ON REDDITOF TWO MMA FIGHTERS

MADDOGGING EACH OTHER.

OH. THERE IT IS. OH, RIGHT?

AND HERE IT COMES, HERECOMES -- MWAH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> DO I HAVE TO START WATCHINGMMA NOW?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: FLY LIKE A BUTTERFLY,STING LIKE A BAE.

I THINK THIS IS THE BEGINNING OFA REALLY GREAT LOVE STORY

BETWEEN THESE GENTLEMEN.

SO IN HONOR OF THEIR BROMANCE,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#ToughGuyRomComs.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE WHEN DIRTYHARRY MET SALLY.

THE SEX-PENDABLES.

OR THIS ONE, YOU'VE GOT MALE.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

EMILY HELLER.

>> SLEEVELESS IN SEATTLE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

PERFECT. SO, GOOD.

>> PUNCH PUNCH LOVE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

EMILY.

>> CHASING AMY WITH AMACHINE GUN.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

RORY.

>> SAY ANYTHING, JUST NOTDURING THE GAME.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

RENE.

>> THE NOTEBOOK IN WHICH IJOT DOWN THE NAMES OF THOSE

WHO KILLED MY FATHER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RORY.

>> WHEN HARRY MET SALLIE HE[BLEEP] THAT GOOD.

(APPLAUSE)

>> I LOVE YOU, FAMILY.

I LOVE YOU.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> LOVE ACTUALLY, NEVER MIND,NOT LOVE, GUNS.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY I,ALSO-BOT.

I, ALSO-BOT.

NOW WHEN YOU BUY THINGS ONAMAZON YOU MAY NOTICE THEY

SHOW YOU OTHER ITEMSCUSTOMERS HAVE ALSO BOT

BOUGHT, AND IF YOU EVERLOOKED VERY CLOSELY IT KIND

OF MAKES YOU WONDER WHATTHEY ARE BUILDING IN THEIR

GARAGES.

A LOT OF THINGS DON'TNECESSARILY MAKE SENSE.

SO I WILL SHOW YOU AN AT WHYAMAZON AND THEN I'M GONNA SHOW

YOU TWO MORE ITEMS CUSTOMERSALSO BOUGHT, AND FOR 250 POINTS,

I WANT TO YOU TELL ME WHAT ARETHEY PLANNING TO DO WITH THOSE

THINGS.

ALL RIGHT.

THIS WILL BE A SOCIALEXPERIMENT.

FIRST ONE, CUSTOMERS WHOBOUGHT THIS TURTLE TANK ALSO

BOUGHT A PORTABLE LIPSTICKSIZED BATTERY PACK AND A BOX

OF 13 GALLON DRAW STRINGGARBAGE BAGS.

WHAT ARE THEY PLANNING ONDOING WITH THESE THINGS?

RORY SCOVEL.

>> THAT PERSON IS MURDERINGTURTLES.

>> Chris: IS HE --

WHAT IS HE DOING WITH THE LIGHTLIPSTICK --

>> YOU WOULD ELECTROCUTETHEM IN THE WATER.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

NEXT ONE, CUSTOMERS WHOBOUGHT THESE DOG DIAPERS --

THAT POOR GODDAMN DOG --

ALSO BOUGHT A HUNDRED PACK OFSLIM JIMS AND CONG SQUEEZEY

CHEESE.

EMILY.

>> TWO WORDS, ROAD TRIP!

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> I KNOW SHE LEFT SPARKYAND SHE TOOK EVERYTHING BUT

WE'RE JUST GOING GET IN THECAR AND START DRIVING.

WE'LL EAT SLIM JIMS AND [BLEEP]TOGETHER IN THE CAR.

LAST ONE: CUSTOMERS WHOBOUGHT THIS PINOCCHIO NOSE

ALSO BOUGHT THIS 3DINFLATABLE DEER AND --

THIS PINK AFRO WIG.

RORY.

>> LOOKS TO ME LIKE SHERYLIS FINALLY STARTING TO TREAT

HERSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> GIVE ME BACK MY FAMILY!

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,TAIWANESE INFORMATION

GOOD TIME SHOW.

>> Chris: CALL ME HIPSTER BUT IDON'T LIKE TO GET MY NEWS

FROM AMERICAN SOURCES.

FOR INFORMATION THAT'SENTERTAINING AS WELL AS

ENLIGHTENING, I TURN TO TAIWAN,WHERE THEY ANIMATE AMERICAN

NEWS STORIES WITH GRAPHICS SOSOPHISTICATED YOU COULD SWEAR

YOU WERE WATCHING A SEGA GENESISGAME.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A NEWS STORYFROM THE PAST FEW YEARS AND

FOR 250 POINTS YOU'RE GONAN HAVETO GUESS WHAT ACTUALLY APPEARS

IN THE TAIWANESE NEWS REPORTABOUT IT, OKAY.

FIRST ONE: SO, KIM KARDASHIAN'SNUDE PHOTO SHOOT.

DOES KIM VAGINA TURN INTO A CLAMAND EAT THE CAMERA --

OR, KIM CHUGS A BEER AND SLAPS AGHOST.

EMILY.

>> I DON'T KNOW, JUST SHOWME.

>>SHOW ME BOTH OPTIONS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I GET IT.

BUT WHICH ONE DO YOU THINKIT IS?

>> CHUGS BEER AND SLAPS AGHOST.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I AM SORRY TO REPORT, IT'SACTUALLY THE FIRST

ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, NO. IT GOTBIGGER.

>> I THINK IT'S INTERESTINGTHAT HER VAGINA DOES ALL THE

EATING BECAUSE HER BUTT DOESALL THE TALKING, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M SAYING.

>> Chris: POINTS. 100 POINTS TOTHAT.

LAST ONE: MICHELLE OBAMA'S WARON OBESITY. MICHELLE OBAMA

ARM WRESTLES ARNOLDSCHWARZENEGGER ON A SPACE

STATION OR MICHELLE OBAMAFLIPS OVER A TERRORIST AND

SHOOTS A CUPCAKE WITH HEATVISION.

>> WHAT ARE YOU CHEERING -->> Chris: RORY.

>> SEEMS LIKE THE AUDIENCEREALLY FAVORED THAT SECOND

ONE SO -- I'M GOING TO GO WITHTHE SECOND ONE FOR THE SAKE

OF MY FAMILY.

>> Chris: IT'S DAYS LIKE TODAYTHAT MAKE THIS JOB WORTH IT WHEN

I GIVE YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOUWANT.

THE SECOND ONE.

(APPLAUSE)

SHE'S RIGHT ABOUT THE DIET.

(APPLAUSE)

AND LASER EYES, OR WHATEVERSHE JSUT DID, IS THE ONLY WAY

TO GET IT.

>> Chris: -- THE ONLY WAY TOHELP THE KIDS.

AS WE GO TOYOU ARE NEXT GAME, I'VE GOT A

BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.

HOWEVER -- GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE,IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT WHICH

MEANS ONLY 329 DAYS UNTILSTAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

OPENS, AND TRIES TO LIVE UP TOOUR IMPOSSIBLY HIGH EXPECTIONS.

IN RELATED NEWS OF THE WARS,CNET IS REPORTING THAT DISNEY

DECIDED TO NOT USE GEORGELUCAS'S IDEA FOR THE NEW

TRIOLOGY.

-- LEAVING A MAN WHO SOLD HISINTELLECTUAL PROPERTY FOR OVER

4 BILLION DOLLARS TO FEELKIND OF BUMMED OUT ABOUT IT.

WITH GEORGE'S TRACK RECORD WITHEPISODES ONE THROUGH THREE IN

MIND, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVEME AS MANY OTHER REJECTED

GEORGE LUCAS IDEAS.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

RENE.

>> LUKE AND LEIA ARE ZAPPEDWITH A FORGET RAY AND --

>> Chrs: AND FINALLY CLOSE THEDEAL.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

RORY.

>> FOUR MORE SONS ON TATWIN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> ONE WHOLE MOVIE DEDICATEDTO CP 3 O'S ONE MAN SHOW.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> FULL FRONTAL CHEWBACCA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RORY.

>> TWO WORDS, RAPPING YODA.

>> Chris: I AGREE WITH YOU.

RENE.

>> JUST A LOT MORE ON THE TRADEEMBARGO STUFF.

>> Chris: YES, ABSOLUTELY. OFCOURSE.

POINTS.