Comedy Central Presents
Season 14

CC Presents: Shane Mauss

  • Season 14, Ep 8
  • 01/11/2010

HERE'S SOME ADVICEFOR YOU, THOUGH.

IF YOU'RE EVER TRAVELINGTO A FOREIGN COUNTRY,

REMEMBER TO PACKTHE LUBRICANT, OKAY?

BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHINGMORE EMBARRASSING

THAN BEING IN A PHARMACYIN A FOREIGN LAND

AND TRYING TO CONVEY TO THEM...

THAT YOU NEED LUBE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,"UH...LUBERITOSKI.

"UH...

ME NO MAKE GIRL SLIPPERY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHOOSH."

[ IMITATES CREAKING ]

THE ONLY THING MORE EMBARRASSINGIS DOING ALL THAT

AND THEN REALIZING THAT THEYSPEAK ENGLISH IN ENGLAND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAGGIE -- SHE HAS KIND OFA PESSIMISTIC ATTITUDE

IN THE BEDROOM, YOU KNOW?

THE VAGINA'S ALWAYS HALF-EMPTY.

AND BEFORE WE JUMPTO CONCLUSIONS,

THAT IS A LARGE-VAGINA JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE, UH...

SHE DOESN'T LET MEDO ANYTHING WITH HER

WHEN SHE GETSHER MONTHLY VISITOR.

IT'S LIKE SHE CLOSES UPSHOP, RIGHT?

GREAT THING IS,THE WEEK BEFORE,

IT'S LIKEA GOING-OUT-OF-BUSINESS SALE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M CRAZY MAGGIE,AND I'M GIVING IT AWAY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SIGHS ]

AND THAT'S THE MOST ENERGY

YOU'RE GETTING OUTOF ME TONIGHT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I, UM...

I TOLD MAGGIE I WANTEDTO GO TO A STRIP CLUB.

SHE SAID THIS TO ME -- SHE GOES,

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO GOTO A STRIP CLUB FOR?

I'LL STRIP FOR YOU."

I WAS LIKE,"HOW GREAT IS THAT, HUH?

I GUESS I'LL JUST TELLMY FRIENDS TO COME OVER HERE."

THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I BOUGHT IT ONLINE,AND I WANTED TO WEAR IT TONIGHT

TO SHOW YOU WHY I'M NEVER BUYINGCLOTHES ONLINE AGAIN.

I'M A LANKY GUY.

I'VE BEEN FREAKISHLY SKINNYMY ENTIRE LIFE

BECAUSE THERE'S A HOLEIN MY BUTT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.IT'S A SERIOUS CONDITION.

I TRIED TAKING STEROIDS.WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP THAT IS.

DID YOU GUYS KNOWTHAT YOU HAVE TO EXERCISE

FOR STEROIDS TO WORK?

WHAT?

NOW I JUST SIT AROUNDON MY COUCH ANGRY...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...ABOUT MY SHRUNKEN TESTICLES.

HAD A LITTLE BITOF AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION

A COUPLE WEEKS AGO AFTER A SHOW.

THIS DRUNK GIRL, SHE CAME UPTO ME AND STARTED HITTING ON ME.

AT ONE POINT, SHE ACTUALLYSTARTED TALKING DIRTY TO ME,

BUT I'M NOT REAL GOODWITH WOMEN.

I DIDN'T REALIZESHE WAS TALKING DIRTY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU WOULDN'T EVENKNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME."

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN,HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

KIND OF NAIVE.

I'M NOT A TOUGH GUY.

THERE WAS THIS NEW RIDE THERE.

I HAD TO WAIT IN LINE FOR LIKEFOUR HOURS TO GET ON THIS THING.

FINALLY GOT ON IT.IT WAS FINE ENOUGH.

BUT THEN I SEE A COUPLE WEEKSLATER IN THE NEWS,

THIS GIRL GOESON THE EXACT SAME RIDE,

AND IN SOME FREAK ACCIDENT,

HER LEGS GOT LOPPED OFFAT THE KNEES.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT A TERRIBLETHING TO HAPPEN

TO ALL OF THOSE PEOPLEWAITING IN LINE."

"OH, WE GET IT.YOUR LEGS ARE GONE.

"I GOT A FLASH PASS HERE.

LET'S KEEP IT MOVING, HUH?"

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE FRUSTRATION,UNCOMFORTABLE AUDIENCE?

OHH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I MEAN, YOU'RE WAITING IN LINEFOR FOUR HOURS!

YOU'RE THE NEXT ONE TO GO.YOU'RE RIGHT UP TO THE GATE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, A WAVE OF BLOODCOMES SPLASHING DOWN ON YOU.

YOU GET KICKED IN THE HEAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

I DON'T MEAN TO BE INSENSITIVE.HOLY SMOKES.

POOR GIRL -- SAYSSHE'S NEVER GONNA RIDE

ANOTHER ROLLER COASTER AGAIN.

YEAH. DOESN'T MEETTHE HEIGHT REQUIREMENT.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, MY GIRLFRIEND, MAGGIE,SHE'S A VERY DRAMATIC PERSON.

SHE PUT AN ELECTRIC BLANKETON OUR BED FOR THE WINTER,

AND I LEFT IT ON ONE DAYBY ACCIDENT.

SHE GOT HOME FROM WORK.SHE WAS IRATE.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

"YOU LEFT THE ELECTRIC BLANKETON ALL DAY!

YOU COULD HAVE BURNT DOWNTHE HOUSE."

I WAS LIKE, "WHOA.

"UM, WE'VE BEEN SLEEPINGIN A BLANKET

THAT JUST RANDOMLY BURSTSINTO FLAMES?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SURE.

LAST WEEK, I HEARD MAGGIE FARTFOR THE FIRST TIME.

YEAH, WE WERE ON THE PHONEAT THE TIME.

SHE WAS LIKE, "LISTEN TO THIS."

ERR.

NO, THAT'S NOT AT ALLWHAT HAPPENED.

UH...

WE...

WE WERE JUST AT HOME,AND SHE LET ONE SLIP,

JUST A LITTLE BUTT QUACK.

AND, OH, NOTHING SEXIERTHAN THAT, HUH, FELLAS?

"EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU AN ANGEL?

'CAUSE IT SMELLS LIKESOMEBODY DIED."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?'CAUSE I DO.

OH! HA HA."

THAT'S GOOD FOR HIM,

BUT HE'S ALWAYS TRYING TO PUSHHIS VEGAN PROPAGANDA ON ME.

HE'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, SHANE,YOU SHOULD TRY THIS TOFU.

IT TASTES JUST LIKE CHICKEN."

I TRIED.I'M LIKE, "OH, WOW!

YOU FORGOT WHAT CHICKENTASTES LIKE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"IN FACT, EVERYTHING TASTES LIKECHICKEN, EXCEPT FOR THIS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'S A SNEAKY BASTARD, TOO.

ONE DAY,HE MADE ME A CUP OF COFFEE.

AFTERWARDS, HE'S LIKE,"OH, DID YOU LIKE THAT COFFEE?

"WELL, GUESS WHAT.I PUT SOY MILK IN IT.

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOWTHE DIFFERENCE.

GOTCHA."

I WAS LIKE, "SON OF A BITCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

FELT ALL GROSS,YOU KNOW, LIKE A HIPPIE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THE NEXT WEEK,I MADE HIM A CUP OF COFFEE.

YEAH.

AFTERWARDS, I WAS LIKE,"DID YOU ENJOY THAT COFFEE?

"OH, YOU DID.

"WELL, I HAVE SOME NEWSFOR YOU.

I [BLEEP] YOUR WIFE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"OH, BY THE WAY,SHE TASTES LIKE CHICKEN."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"AND APPARENTLY,SHE DOES EAT MEAT.

HEY-OH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAUSS IS SPELLED A LITTLE ODD.

IT'S M-A-U-S-S.

PEOPLE HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLESPELLING IT

WHEN I TELL THEM IT'S "MAUSS,"MOSTLY BECAUSE I MESS WITH THEM.

AND I'M LIKE,"YOU KNOW, IT'S 'MAUSS.'

"IT'S LIKE 'MOUSE,'

"EXCEPT THE 'O' IS AN 'A'AND THE 'E' IS AN 'S.'

"'MAUSS.' I MEAN...

"HOW EASY DO I HAVE TO MAKE ITFOR YOU?

"'MAUSS.'IT'S LIKE 'HIPPOPOTAMUS.'

"YOU JUST FLIP THE 'M'AND THE 'A' AROUND,

"TAKE THE 'HIPPOPOT' --THAT'S AN 'S.'

"NOW WE'RE GONNA SCOOT THAT OVERTO THE END.

"'MAUSS.'

EASY PEASY."

YEAH.

I DON'T LIKE WHEN I ASK SOMEONEFOR DIRECTIONS,

AND THEY GIVE ME IMAGINARYINCREMENTS OF DISTANCE.

LIKE, "OH, YEAH,IT'S JUST A HOP AND A SKIP."

"UH, I'M SORRY, I'M NOT FAMILIARWITH THE METRIC SYSTEM.

HOW MANY CARTWHEELS IS THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

EXPRESSIONS ARE CRAZY.

HOW ABOUT THE ONE "WHAT CRAWLEDUP YOUR ASS AND DIED?"

THAT'S A STRANGE ONE.

IT MEANS A PERSON'SIN A BAD MOOD OR WHATEVER.

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

I THINK THAT ONE WOULD BEIN A WORSE MOOD

IF SAID THING WERE STILL ALIVE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK THE EXPRESSIONSHOULD MEAN THE OPPOSITE, YEAH?

LIKE, "SHANE, YOU SEEMAWFULLY CHIPPER TODAY."

"OH, YEAH. YOU KNOW THAT THINGTHAT CRAWLED UP MY ASS?

IT FINALLY DIED."

WHEW!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T HAVE ANY GUNS,NO WEAPONS.

SOMERSAULTS --THAT'S HOW I ROLL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S A REALLY DUMB JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GUESS I HAVE NO WAYOF DEFENDING MYSELF, RIGHT?

SO I WAS THINKING THE OTHER DAY

THAT IF I EVER HEARD SOMEONEBREAKING INTO MY HOUSE,

I WOULD JUST TRY TO PRETEND

LIKE I WAS ALSO BREAKINGINTO MY HOUSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, AND WE WOULD LAUGH

ABOUT THAT COINCIDENCEFOR A WHILE, HUH?

BE LIKE, "CAN YOU BELIEVETHIS LOSER'S PLACE?

NOTHING OF VALUE."

[ CHUCKLES LIGHTLY ]

"EXCEPT FORTHESE SWEET PAJAMAS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'D JUST TRY TO MAKE HIM REALLYUNCOMFORTABLE TILL HE LEFT.

LIKE, "OH, CAN'T WAITTILL THIS DUDE GETS HOME.

I'M GONNA GET MY RAPE ON.YEAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT?

"I JUST WANTED TO STEALSOME [BLEEP] YOU PERVERT.

I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE."

[ CHUCKLES ]

NOW WHAT I DO FOR SELF-DEFENSE

IS I CARRY A BABY AROUNDWITH ME.

SO, I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT.

I WAS LIKE,"WHAT KIND OF A PERSON --

"NO, WHAT KIND OF A MONSTER

WOULD ATTACK SOMEONE THAT WILLHIT THEM WITH A BABY?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOBODY.

I, UH...

I TOOK MAGIC MUSHROOMSONE TIME,

MAGIC MUSHROOMS ONE TIMEAND, UH...

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, SOME FANS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I TOOK THEM ONE TIME.

APPARENTLY, I HAD WAY TOO MANY.I WAS WALKING AROUND OUTSIDE.

I ENDED UP WANDERINGINTO A BEST BUY

BECAUSE I THOUGHTIT WAS THE FUTURE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND THEN I UNKNOWINGLY ENDED UPIN THE CAMCORDER DEPARTMENT.

AND I SAW IN ONE OF THE TVs

WHAT I THOUGHT TO BEA MOVIE ABOUT ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, FOR ABOUT AN HOUR,

I WATCHED A MOVIE

ABOUT ME

WATCHING A MOVIE ABOUT ME.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT IS, UNTIL ONEOF THE BLUE PEOPLE CAME OVER.

AND...

...AND HE WAS LIKE,"CAN I HELP YOU?"

I WAS LIKE, "WELL,NOT UNLESS YOU CAN TELL ME

WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON RIGHT NOW."

I WAS LIKE, "WHO ISTHIS ACTOR PLAYING ME?

"THIS IS TERRIBLE.

"HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE TRIPPIN'?THAT'S NOT BELIEVABLE AT ALL.

"WHY IS HE MASTURBATING?HUH?

I DON'T GET THAT."

WHO'S A MEDICAL STUDENT --

A GREAT THING TO GET INTO,BUT HE'S VERY ARROGANT ABOUT IT.

ALWAYS BRAGGINGABOUT HOW SMART HE IS,

HOW MUCH MONEY HE'S GONNA MAKE.

HE WON'T SHUT UP.

I LIKE TO KNOCK HIM OFFHIS HIGH HORSE ONCE IN A WHILE.

WE'LL BE HANGING OUT.

I'LL BE LIKE, "HEY,WHY DON'T YOU GIVE MY TESTES

"A LITTLE SQUEEZE QUICK, HUH?

"THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, RIGHT?

HOW ABOUT A PROSTATE EXAM,SOMETHING?"

HE'S LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE GAY.YOU'RE GAY."

"NAME-CALLING. [ SCOFFS ]LIKE WE'RE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL."

"WHAT?"

"HOW ABOUT BEINGA PROFESSIONAL, RIGHT?

"WE'RE JUST A COUPLE DUDESHANGING OUT, HAVING SOME BEERS,

AND I WANT YOU TO ROOT AROUNDIN MY BUTT FOR A WHILE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'S LIKE [ Singsong voice ]"OH, I'M AN EYE DOCTOR."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] "YEAH.

THEN LOOK IN MY BUTT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I DRINK QUITE A BIT.I LIKE THE ALCOHOL.

MY BIGGEST PROBLEMWITH DRINKING --

I SOMETIMES HAVE A HARD TIMETELLING THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN WHEN I'M DRUNKAND WHEN I'M WASTED.

YEAH. KIND OF GOT TO LOOKFOR CLUES A LITTLE BIT.

LIKE, WHEN I'M DRUNK AND RIDINGA BICYCLE, I MIGHT FALL OVER.

AND WHEN I'M WASTED,I'LL STILL BE PEDALING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

A COUPLE YEARS AGO,SOME FRIENDS OF MINE --

THEY WANTED ME TO SLOW DOWNON THE DRINKING A LITTLE BIT.

ONE OF THEIR BIG IDEAS WAS TOVIDEOTAPE ME DURING A BLACKOUT

AND THEN SHOW IT TO ME LATER

SO I COULD SEE WHAT I WASREALLY ACTING LIKE.

AND I WATCHED THE TAPE.I WAS JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

I MEAN, I KNEW I WAS FUNNY..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"BUT THAT'S HILARIOUS.

GIVING MYSELF A WEDGIE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHTOF THAT ONE SOBER.

"HOW AM I GONNA TOP THAT?

"OOH, DRY-HUMPINGTHE POLICE OFFICER.

OF COURSE."

YOU KNOW HOW YOU DRINK TOO MUCHWHEN YOU PUKE,

AND THEN AFTERWARDS,YOU JUST KIND OF KEEP DRINKING?

INSTEAD OF CALLING IT A NIGHT,YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "DO-OVER!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S JUST WHAT I DO.

ONCE, I WAS HAMMERED,

AND I HAD TO PUKE AND [BLEEP]AT THE SAME TIME.

YEAH, DON'T KNOWHOW IT HAPPENED,

BUT THERE WAS NOT ONE THAT WASGOING TO WAIT FOR THE OTHER.

FORTUNATELY, IN THE BATHROOMTHAT I WAS IN,

THERE WAS A TOILET THAT WASRIGHT NEXT TO THE WINDOW.

YEAH.

SO I JUST HUNG MY ASSOUT THERE AND...

[ LAUGHTER ]

DUMBEST INVENTION I EVER SAW

IS THIS PHEROMONE PERFUMETHEY CAME OUT WITH.

WHAT IT IS -- THESE SCIENTISTS,THEY GOT PAID A BUNDLE OF MONEY

TO TAKE A REGULAR OLD PERFUME

AND THEN PUTFEMALE PHEROMONES IN IT

THAT HAVE BEEN PROVENTO ATTRACT MEN.

FINALLY, HUH?

THEY'VE DISCOVERED A WAYTO MAKE GUYS HORNY!

WHAT A BREAKTHROUGH, HUH?

HEY, MAYBE NEXT,

THEY'LL THINK OF A WAYTO GET WOMEN TO TALK MORE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH. YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WOULDN'T THAT BE SOMETHING?

PHEROMONE PERFUME --THAT'S TERRIFIC.

NOW I GET TO BE EVEN HORNIER.THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED.

I ALREADY PLAY WITH MYSELFSO MUCH IN THE SHOWER

THAT NOW I GET AROUSEDWHEN IT RAINS.

ANYBODY ELSE?

THERE'S ABOUT A 30% CHANCEOF ERECTION TONIGHT,

SO, ALREADY WEARING MY RAINCOATJUST IN CASE.

I, UH...

GET A LOT OF E-MAIL SPAM --EVERYONE DOES.

THEY STILL USE THAT TRICKEVERY TIME,

WHERE THEY'LL TRY TO ACT LIKEMAYBE IT'S ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS

E-MAILING YOUSO YOU'LL OPEN IT UP.

THEY ALWAYS USE, LIKE,A VERY COMMON NAME LIKE TOM,

GENERIC SUBJECT LIKE"BEEN A WHILE,"

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I'M LIKE, "WELL,THIS LOOKS SUSPICIOUS,

"BUT I DO KNOW A COUPLE TOMS.

I GUESS I'LL CHECK IT OUT."

OPEN IT UP -- IT'S LIKE,"DO YOU WANT FREE PORN?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL, ONLYA DEAR, DEAR FRIEND OF MINE

WOULD KNOW HOW MUCH I ENJOYFREE PORN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

CLICK.

MY COMPUTER JUST EXPLODES.

I HAVE TO GO BUY A NEW ONE.I E-MAIL HIM BACK.

I'M LIKE, "DEAR TOM,

"THANKS SO MUCH FOR TRYINGTO SEND ME THE FREE PORN.

"DAMNDEST THING --MY COMPUTER EXPLODED.

COULD YOU PLEASE RE-SEND?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

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