Comedy Central Presents
Season 8

CC Presents: Cory Kahaney

  • Season 8, Ep 27
  • 06/10/2004

OH, THANK YOU.

THAT YOU SO MUCH.

WELL, I--

I AM HAVING A REALLY

GOOD YEAR I WILL TELL YOU.

I, AH-- YOU KNOW, LAST COMIC

STANDING, I'M TAPING MY OWN

HALF-HOUR SPECIAL AND MY

DAUGHTER GOT INTO A GREAT

COLLEGE.

AND TODAY IS MY ONE-YEAR

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BUT THAT'S NOTHING.

I HAVE EVEN BETTER NEWS.

YES, I DO.

'CAUSE I JUST SAVED A BUNCH

ON MY CAR INSURANCE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALRIGHT, SO ENOUGH WITH THE

HAPPY TALK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M FED UP WITH?

ANYBODY ELSE-- MAPQUEST, OKAY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW MUCH DOES MAPQUEST SUCK?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I GOT SO

BURNED BY MAPQUEST LAST WEEKEND

THAT JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT

I TYPED IN MY ADDRESS, 76th

STREET AND THAT I WANTED TO GO

TO 77th STREET.

MAPQUEST TOLD ME TO GET ON THE

GARDEN STATE PARKWAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD TO GO TO STATEN ISLAND

FROM MY HOUSE, THE UPPER WEST

SIDE.

MAPQUEST TOLD ME IT WOULD TAKE

11 MINUTES.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, IF I WAS A HOLOGRAM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW I'M MARRIED ONE YEAR

AND PEOPLE SAY TO ME, YOU KNOW,

"IS IT STILL HOT?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH."

BUT THEN AGAIN, I'VE ONLY BEEN

HOME FOUR DAYS THIS YEAR, SO,

AH...

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T USUALLY MENTION THIS,

BUT I MARRIED A LAWYER, WHICH

I KNOW SOUNDS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

EVERY GIRL DREAMS WHEN THEY

GROW UP THEY'RE GONNA MARRY

A DOCTOR, MARRY A LAWYER.

BUT ME, I HAD TO MARRY THE ONLY

LAWYER IN AMERICA WITH A

CONSCIENCE.

YES.

NO, NO.

I DIDN'T MARRY THE CUTTHROAT,

RUTHLESS, GIVE-ME-ALL-YOUR

MONEY LAWYER.

NO, I MARRIED THE PAY-ME-WHAT

YOU-CAN WHENEVER-YOU-CAN I-JUST

WANT-TO-SEE-JUSTICE-SERVED

LAWYER.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT SO RIPPED OFF, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE?

IT'S LIKE I FINALLY BANGED

A ROCK STAR BUT HE'S WITH

A CHRISTIAN BAND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A GAY SISTER.

I DO, I HAVE A GAY SISTER,

WHICH HAS BEEN GREAT FOR ME

'CAUSE MY PARENTS HAVE NOW

FORGIVEN ME EVERYTHING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT KIDDING.

AT THIS POINT IF I BROUGHT HOME

A DWARF WITH A MOHAWK,

SIX TATTOOS AND A NOSE RING,

AS LONG AS HE HAS A PENIS,

HE CAN STAY FOR DINNER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY'LL CALL HIM SON,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

MY SISTER HAS A GREAT JO--

MY SISTER WORKS FOR AMNESTY

INTERNATIONAL.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF IT?

OKAY.

I'M SUCH A MOR--

I DIDN'T REALLY GET IT AT FIRST.

SO I WAS LIKE, "ALRIGHT,

SO WHAT DO THEY DO EXACTLY?"

SHE SAYS, "WELL, THEY GET PEOPLE

OUT OF BURMA."

I SAID, "PEOPLE ARE GOIN'

TO BURMA?

[LAUGHTER]

WHO'S GOIN' TO BURMA?"

SHE SAID, "PEOPLE GO."

I SAID, "WHAT HAPPENED?"

SHE SAID, "THEY GET STUCK

THERE."

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, "YOU GET 'EM OUT?"

SHE SAID, "YEAH."

I SAID, "WELL, WHY DON'T YOU

JUST SEND OUT A MEMO.

'HEY, DON'T GO TO BURMA!'?"

[LAUGHTER]

SEE HOW I SOLVED THAT CRISIS?

I LEARN SO MUCH FROM MY SISTER,

I DO.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, LAST WEEK

I GET IN MY ELEVATOR, RIGHT?

AND THERE'S MY NEIGHBOR.

AND HE'S GOT A THREE-BEDROOM

APARTMENT, AND I'M WAITIN' FOR

HIM TO DIE, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE'S GOT LUGGAGE.

I'M LIKE, "WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?"

HE SAID FLORIDA.

I SAID, "FLORIDA?

MAN.

YOU SHOULD GO TO BURMA.

NOW THAT'S A LOVELY VACATION

SPOT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TRYIN' TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I WANNA GET

A SITCOM.

AND YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A

25-POUND MAX TO BE ON

TELEVISION, SO I GOT A FEW MORE

TO GO.

AND I'M GETTING TO THAT AGE

WHERE, YOU KNOW, DIETING

DOESN'T WORK, YOU GOTTA

EXERCISE.

AND I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING

I LIKE, YOU KNOW?

I READ AN ARTICLE THAT SAID,

"GO BACK TO WHEN YOU WERE

A CHILD AND DO WHATEVER YOU DID

THEN NOW."

I MEAN, THAT'S--

THAT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOT A

SINGLE GYM IN AMERICA THAT HAS

DODGE BALL, I'LL TELL YA THAT

RIGHT NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I SIGNED UP FOR YOGA, ANYONE,

YOGA?

'CAUSE-- RIGHT?

[APPLAUSE]

WELL, I HEARD YOU GET TO DO THE

EXERCISES LAYING DOWN, SO I

SIGNED RIGHT UP FOR THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT A RIP-OFF THAT WAS.

FIRST OF ALL, IT'S HARD.

SECOND OF ALL, VERY SPIRITUAL.

DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GONNA BE

SO SPIRITUAL.

OH, MY GOD.

THEY WANT YOU TO MEDITATE.

UGH!

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TOO

SPIRITUAL.

SOON AS IT GETS SPIRITUAL,

I THINK THERE'S GONNA BE

COOL-AID AT THE END AND WE'RE

ALL GONNA DIE.

I DON'T LIKE SPIRITUAL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THEY DON'T GIVE YOU A

CHOICE!

YOU GET NO CHOICE.

THEY TALK YOU THROUGH THE

MEDITATION.

IT'S LIKE A GUIDED MEDITATION.

THE LADY'S LIKE, "CLEAR YOUR

MIND....

OF ALL THOUGHTS."

AND THE SECOND SHE SAYS THAT,

ALL THESE CRAZY THOUGHTS COME

POURING IN.

YOU KNOW LIKE, "WHAT TIME DOES

THE POST OFFICE CLOSE?

WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG FOR

AN OUT-OF-STATE CHECK TO CLEAR?

IS IT WRONG TO USE THOSE RETURN

ADDRESS LABELS WITHOUT DONATING

TO THE CHARITIES?"

[LAUGHTER]

Cory Kahaney: YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT OCCURRED TO ME, I'M GETTING

TO BE A LITTLE BIT OF A

CELEBRITY.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANNA BRAG--

A LITTLE BIT OF A CELEBRITY.

AND I WAS THINKING, IT'S TIME

FOR ME TO GET A CAUSE.

I GOTTA GET BEHIND A CA--

ALL CELEBRITIES HAVE A CAUSE.

AND I HAVEN'T FOUND THE RIGHT

ONE YET.

MY SISTER TOOK ME TO A

PRO-CHOICE RALLY, AND I THOUGHT

THIS WOULD BE GOOD.

PRO-CHOICE, YOU KNOW, MARCHING

FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS.

THAT SEEM-- I'M A WOMAN,

IT WORKED OUT.

AND SO I GAVE--

I'M THE ONLY WOMAN I'VE EVER

HEARD OF WHO GOT THROWN OUT OF

A PRO-CHOICE RALLY-- ME--

I GOT THROWN OUT.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I WAS, YOU KNOW, MARCHING,

"WOMEN'S RIGHTS," YOU KNOW,

MARCHING.

AND-- I WAS LOOKIN'-- YOU KNOW,

I'M ON THE PRO-CHOICE SIDE.

AND THE RIGHT-TO-LIFERS WERE ON

THE OTHER SIDE.

NOT THE MOST ATTRACTIVE WOMEN

IN AMERICA, COULD I POINT THIS

OUT?

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, REALLY WHAT ARE THE

CHANCES THEY'RE GONNA EVER

CONTEND WITH AN UNPLANNED

PREGNANCY?

I'M JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT--

[APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, I'M--

I'M NOT SAYING THEY'RE NOT

GONNA GET PREGNANT.

BUT IT'S NOT GONNA COME FROM

THROW-CAUTION-TO-THE-WIND.

AND...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO I'M MAKING MY LITTLE JOKES.

AND THE RIGHT-TO-LIFERS DIDN'T

APPRECIATE IT, I'LL TELL YA.

ONE OF THE RIGHT-TO-LIFERS GOT

VERY NASTY.

SHE ACTUALLY GRABBED MY SLEEVE.

SHE WAS LIKE, "LOOK, LADY.

IF I WAS PREGNANT," I SAID,

"WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, MA'AM.

MA'AM.

OKAY.

IF YOU WERE PREGNANT, YEAH,

THERE WOULD BE A STAR OVER

BETHLEHEM."

SO...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS OUTTA THERE.

THEY DIDN'T LIKE MY ATTITUDE.

I THINK I GOT MY CAUSE WORKED

OUT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?

I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD HEAD UP

THE ORGANIZATION THAT MONITORS

THE NUMBER OF HANDICAP PARKING

SPACES IN AMERICA.

I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A GOOD

THING.

YES.

OH, I KNOW IT SOUNDS

CONTROVERSIAL.

AND DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA,

I'M ALL FOR HANDICAP PARKING.

I JUST THINK IN CERTAIN CASES,

WE MAY HAVE GONE A LITTLE

OVERBOARD.

ARE YOU WITH ME?

IF YOU'RE NOT, IT'S OKAY.

IF YOU'RE NOT WITH ME,

THEN JUST EXPLAIN ONE THING,

OKAY.

WHY DO WE NEED 24 HANDICAP

PARKING SPACES AT HOME DEPOT?

COULD WE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS?

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON!

IF A GUY CAN SPACKLE HIS

BATHROOM, LAY PIPE AND PUT UP

GUTTERS, DON'T YOU THINK HE CAN

WALK THE EXTRA 30 FEET TO THE

PARKING LOT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MARRIAGE, AND I HAVE A KID

FROM MY FIRST MARRIAGE 'CAUSE

I LIKE SOUVENIRS.

AND, UM...

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS MY SECOND MARRIAGE AND

I DEFINITELY MADE A BETTER

CHOICE THIS TIME.

BUT I GOTTA BE HONEST, IN SOME

WAYS ALL MEN ARE THE SAME.

LIKE FOR EXAMPLE, WHY DO YOU ALL

LIKE TO HAVE SEX FIRST THING IN

THE MORNING?

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS FOR A

SECOND?

'CAUSE DO WE SMELL GOOD FIRST

THING IN THE MORNING?

YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T.

[LAUGHTER]

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE I'M

STUPID.

I UNDERSTAND YOU GOT A NATURAL

PHYSIOLOGICAL STATE OF AROUSAL

THING, RIGHT?

I UNDERSTAND.

BUT WHY ARE YOU SO PROUD OF IT?

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE LIKE,

[DEEP VOICE] "LOOK AT ME!

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK AT ME!

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!

"WILL YOU LOOK AT IT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OR MY FAVORITE,

"THIS IS FOR YOU!"

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE YOU THINK WE'RE STUPID.

HEY, WE KNOW YOU WAKE UP THAT

WAY WHETHER WE'RE THERE OR NOT.

IT'S NOT THAT FLATTERING.

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS IF WE

IGNORE IT?

THEN YOU START THE WHOLE

TAPPING THING.

WHAT IS THIS?

[TAPPING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SORRY, FOR THE GIRLS.

WHAT-- WHAT IS THIS?

[TAPPING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT A DOORBELL BACK THERE?

[TAPPING CONTINUES]

WHO CAME UP WITH THIS PENIS

ACUPUNCTURE MOVE?

I JUST--

WHAT IS THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?

I LOVE WHEN YOU'RE GONNA

CUDDLE.

YOU'RE NOT

[TAPPING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU KNOW, SIR, I GOTTA BE

NICE.

THIS IS A NEW MARRIAGE.

I CAN'T BE NASTY, RIGHT, 'CAUSE

I STILL WANT HIM TO BUY ME

STUFF.

SO...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I WORK NIGHTS, HE WORKS

DAYS.

IT'S VERY HARD TO FIND A

SCHEDULE THAT FITS US.

AND, YOU KNOW, THE OTHER DAY

I WAS SO TIRED.

I SAID TO HIM, "HEY, YOU WANNA

TRY SOMETHING REALLY KINKY?"

AND HE GOES, "OKAY."

I SAID, "ALRIGHT.

NO, NO, THIS REALLY TURNS ME

ON," YOU KNOW.

AND HE'S BUYIN' IT 'CAUSE HE'S

A GUY.

I'M LIKE, "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA

PRETEND I'M SLEEPING, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

WHILE YOU PLEASURE YOURSELF.

BUT YOU HAVE TO BE REALLY

QUIET."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WORKED!

IT WORKED!

I HAVE AN 18 YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

I HAD HER WHEN I WAS FIVE.

AND--

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE MUSIC--

AND THE MALE HIP-HOP ARTISTS

ARE THE WORST 'CAUSE THEY'RE--

I DON'T EVEN THINK THEY REALIZE

HOW DEGRADING THE SONGS ARE

TO WOMEN, RIGHT?

EVERY MALE HIP-HOP ARTIST IS

LIKE, "BITCH, WHAT?

GET IN MY CAR.

SLAP YOUR ASS!

WHERE MY MONEY?"

RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS FINE, BUT THE GIRLS

ARE LIKE, "I LOVE THAT SONG!

OH, MY GOD, TURN IT UP!

I LOVE THAT SONG!

OH, MY GOD!"

[LAUGHTER]

THEY-- YOU KNOW, THEY ALL

WANNA BE EMINEM.

ALL WHITE TEENAGERS IN NEW YORK

CITY WANT TO BE EMINEM.

IT'S RIDI--

SHE EVEN HAS HER TEACHERS

FOOLED.

MY DAUGHTER GOT ONE A LAST YEAR.

SHE WROTE AN ESSAY CALLED

"THE SOUNDS OF THE GHETTO".

[LAUGHTER]

GOT IT?

"THE SOUNDS OF THE GHE--"

WE LIVE ON 76th AND CENTRAL

PARK WEST.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M READING THIS, "THE SOUNDS

OF THE GHETTO.

EVERY DAY I WAKE TO THE NOISE

OF HUNGRY DOGS FIGHTING OUTSIDE

MY WINDOW."

[LAUGHTER]

OH!

THAT'S THE SHITZU AND THE

BICHON FRISE.

AH!

HE'S SO CUTE.

[APPLAUSE]

IF YOU HAVE A TEENAGER, YOU HAVE

TO HAVE NOTICED THE MEDIA IS

ALWAYS TELLING US HOW TO RAISE

OUR KIDS NOW, LIKE WE'RE STUPID.

LIKE WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO RAISE

OUR CHILDREN.

THEY HAVE ALL THESE CAMPAIGNS,

YOU KNOW.

"THEY DON'T NEED YOU TO BE

THEIR FRIEND."

YEAH.

NO, KIDDING.

HEY, I KNOW WHO MY FRIENDS ARE,

AND THEY DON'T STEAL MONEY OUT

OF MY PURSE IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S THE OTHER ONE?

"YOU GOTTA KNOW WHO THEY'RE

WITH AND WHERE THEY ARE AT ALL

TIMES."

OH, YEAH, THAT'S WORKS.

YEAH!

I KNOW WHERE MY DAUGHTER IS

EVERY NIGHT.

SHE'S WITH HER FRIENDS.

THEY COME TO MY HOUSE.

THEY GO IN HER ROOM.

THEY CLOSE THE DOOR AND THEY

LIGHT INCENSE.

HA-HA.

YES.

LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING

ON IN THERE.

LIKE I THINK THERE'S A

ZEN BUDDHIST MEETING IN MY

APARTMENT.

ONE NIGHT I'M WATCHING TV,

I SEE THAT PUBLIC SERVICE

ANNOUNCEMENT.

"IT'S 10PM, DO YOU KNOW WHERE

YOUR CHILDREN ARE?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, THEY'RE ALL AT

MY HOUSE GETTING 'ENLIGHTENED'."

[LAUGHTER]

AND AT 11PM THEY'RE GONNA

COME OUT AND MAKE RICE-A-RONI.

[LAUGHTER]

AND MAKE FUN OF THE WORD "RONI"

FOR TWO HOURS.

[APPLAUSE]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY'RE

TEACHING THEM IN SCHOOL ANYMORE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY KID SAID

TO ME THE OTHER DAY?

"MOM, WERE YOU ALIVE IN THE

TIME OF THE BEATLES?"

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY.

WELL, LET'S REVIEW, SHALL WE?

FIRST THE EARTH COOLED.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN WE HAD DINOSAURS.

AND THEN I WAS BORN.

SHE GOES, "NO, SERIOUSLY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BEATLES?"

SAID, "AH, YES, THE BEATLES.

WELL, YOU KNOW THE BEATLES,

LIKE MANY ANCIENT CULTURES,

[LAUGHTER]

THEY WERE WIPED OUT BY A

TERRIBLE PLAGUE.

SORT OF LIKE SARS, BUT BACK

THEN WE CALLED IT YOKO ONO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE EITHER STONERS OR SLUTS.

STONERS OR SLUTS, THAT'S WHAT

COMES OVER TO MY HOUSE.

YEAH.

I LIKE THE SLUTS.

THEY ALWAYS GIVE ME A GOOD

LAUGH.

ONE MY DAUGHTER'S FRIENDS SAID

TO ME, SHE GOES, "COULD I ASK

YOU A QUESTION 'CAUSE YOU KNOW A

LOT ABOUT SEX RIGHT?

ALRIGHT.

AND ALRIGHT, IT'S REALLY

EMBARRASSING BUT I JUST WANNA

ASK YOU.

UM, ALRIGHT, SO HAVE YOU EVER

TRIED 69?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, LIKE IN

'89."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT BIG ON THE 69.

CAN I JUST SAY THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT.

I REALLY--

69, OVERRATED.

IT IS.

I DON'T REALLY THINK ANYBODY

GETS OFF PROPERLY IN 69.

[LAUGHTER]

MATTER OF FACT, I THINK 69

IS RUDE.

IT'S RUDE, IT IS.

IT'S LIKE SAYING TO SOMEONE,

"OKAY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX,

RIGHT?

BUT WE'RE GONNA GO DUTCH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY HUSBAND SAID THE FUNNIEST

THING TO ME THE OTHER DAY.

HE SAID THAT WHEN MY DAUGHTER

GOES OFF TO COLLEGE, WE SHOULD

START WORKIN' ON US HAVIN' OUR

OWN BABY.

YOU LIKED THE 69 JOKE, BUT THAT

WAS REAL COMEDY TO ME.

OH, THAT WAS FUNNY!

YEAH.

I SAID, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT

THAT'S LIKE?

THAT'S LIKE ASKING SOMEBODY

WHO JUST GOT OVER FOOD POISONING

IF THEY WANT A BURRITO."

[LAUGHTER]

I MAY DO IT.

I MAY DO IT, ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW.

I NEED THE MATERIAL.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS?

I MISS ONE THING ABOUT HAVING

A LITTLE KID.

I MISS HALLOWEEN, YOU KNOW?

I REALLY DO.

HALLOWEEN, PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE,

BUT HALLOWEEN IS MOTHER'S DAY,

OKAY?

MOTHER'S DAY SUCKS.

WHAT DO YOU GET FOR MOTHER'S

DAY?

YOU GET A CARD WITH PASTED

KIDNEY BEANS AND MACARONI

AND GLITTER AND IT'S ALL OVER

THE APARTMENT?

IT'S NOT A GREAT DAY FOR US.

HALLOWEEN IS PAYDAY, FOLKS.

AND A LOT OF PARENTS ARE

STRANGE.

THEY SAY RATION THE CANDY.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THAT?

RATION THE CANDY.

I SAY LET 'EM EAT AS MUCH AS

THEY WANT, THEY THROW UP,

THE REST IS MINE.

THAT'S HOW I HANDLE HALLOWEEN.

[APPLAUSE]

AND--

AND PEOPLE USED TO FEEL SORRY

ME.

THEY'D SAY, "OH, YOU CAN'T GO

TRICK-OR-TREATING FROM HOUSE

TO HOUSE," YOU KNOW 'CAUSE WE

LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

WE GO TO A BUILDING ON THE

CORNER WITH 37 FLOORS, I SIT

IN THE LOBBY, READ A MAGAZINE.

SHE COMES DOWN WITH FOUR BAGS

OF CANDY.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE TOO

TIRED TO GO ACROSS THE STREET?

NO, YOU WORK FOR ME TODAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Cory Kahaney: NOW I HAVE A

TEENAGER.

EVERY TIME MY DAUGHTER GETS

IN TROUBLE, I GET IN BIGGER

TROUBLE.

IT'S THE WORST.

I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM

DAUGHTER'S SCHOOL, IT WAS AT

THE BEGINNING OF THE SCHOOL

YEAR LAST YEAR.

PICKED UP THE PHONE.

THE WOMAN GOES, "YES, HELLO.

THIS IS MRS. SHRON."

SO I WAS LIKE, "MRS. SHLONG?"

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT.

SO WE START OFF ON A BAD NOTE,

THAT WAS MY FAULT.

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, "WELL, CAN I HELP YOU?"

SHE SAID, "YES, THERE WAS

AN INCIDENT WITH YOUR DAUGHTER

TODAY.

SHE SAID F."

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW THAT

WAS PART OF THE ALPHABET WHEN

I WAS IN SCHOOL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

PRETTY SURE SESAME STREET

DEDICATES A WHOLE DAY TO IT,

ACTUALLY."

SHE DIDN'T TAKE TOO KINDLY

TO THE COMEDY, NO.

SHE SAID, "WELL, THAT'S WHY

I'M CALLING, YOU SEE.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE A COMEDIAN.

AND I HOPE THAT'S NOT THE WAY

YOU TALK AT HOME."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I WAS LIKE, "ALRIGHT,

LISTEN-- MRS. SHLONG.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU DON'T

THINK I'M AN A...

[LAUGHTER]

OR A B...

OR GOD FORBID A C.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED

TO LIGHTEN UP SOME, YEAH.

SOUNDS LIKE MAYBE YOU NEED

TO GET F-ED."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ABOUT THIS SET HERE, YOU KNOW.

BEFORE I DID COMEDY, I WAS A

CATERING MANAGER, WHICH MEANT

THAT I DID WEDDINGS FOR A

LIVING.

ME, THE BITTER DIVORCED SINGLE

MOTHER DOING WEDDINGS FOR A

LIVING.

AND I WOULD PROBABLY STILL BE

DOING WEDDINGS FOR A LIVING

IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS ONE BRIDE.

I'LL NEVER FORGET HER.

HER WEDDING WAS IN JUNE OF 2014.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE WOULD CALL BE EVERY DAY.

WE CALLED HER THE STALKER BRIDE.

AND THE LAST STRAW WAS--

ONE DAY SHE CAME IN, IT WAS

LIKE A SATURDAY AT 5:30 AND

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF ANOTHER

WEDDING.

AND SHE BURST INTO MY OFFICE.

SHE WAS LIKE, "CORY, WE HAVE TO

MAKE SOME CHANGES ON THE MENU."

AND I'M LIKE, "ALRIGHT, WELL,

CALM DOWN, OKAY.

YOUR WEDDING'S AFTER ARMAGEDDON,

WE HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE GOES, "NO, IT'S VERY

SERIOUS, CORY.

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT BRIAN,

MY FIANCE, IS ALLERGIC TO NUTS."

AND I SAID, "AND HE STILL WANTS

TO MARRY YOU?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALRIGHT.

ALRIGHT.

TO MYSELF I SAID THAT,

TO MYSELF I SAID THAT.

AND I SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW,

WHY DON'T YOU CALM DOWN.

CALL ME BACK ON MONDAY AND

WE'LL GO OVER THE MENU."

SHE GOES, "NO.

WE HAVE TO DECIDE NOW BECAUSE

I WANT TO ENVISION MY WEDDING."

I SAID, "YOU WANNA ENVISION

YOUR WEDDING?

ALRIGHT, I'LL HELP YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA PUT ON A DRESS,

SEE.

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA WALK DOWN

AN AISLE AND KISS SOME GUY

YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH FOR

THREE YEARS.

THEN YOUR WHOLE FAMILY'S GONNA

DIVE INTO A SHRIMP BOAT LIKE

IT'S FEEDING TIME AT SEAWORLD.

OLD LADIES ARE GONNA CALL DIBS

ON THE CENTERPIECES BEFORE THE

FIRST COURSE GOES DOWN.

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA DANCE

THE NIGHT AWAY TO SUCH WONDERFUL

HITS AS "HOT, HOT, HOT,

THE ELECTRIC SLIDE",

"CELEBRATE" BY KOOL AND THE

GANG, "LA BAMBA",

AND "PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC,

WHITE BOY".

AND WHEN IT'S ALL OVER AND YOU

GO BACK TO THE HONEYMOON SUITE,

YOU AND YOUR NEW HUSBAND WILL

OPEN UP THE ENVELOPES AND FIND

OUT JUST HOW CHEAP EVERYONE IN

YOUR FAMILY REALLY IS.

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

IS YOU'RE MARRIED NOW, AND THE

NEXT MORNING WHEN YOU WAKE UP,

THE VERY FIRST THING THAT YOU'RE

GONNA FEEL IS."

[TAPPING NOISE]

THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

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