CC Presents: Nick Thune

  • Season 12, Ep 9
  • 01/11/2008

[APPLAUSE]THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M-- MA'AM?I'M-- WHERE YOU GOIN'?

BATHROOM?

- CAN YOU HOLD IT?- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK I GOT,MAYBE, FIVE MORE MINUTES.CAN WE JUST HOLD IT OUT?

THANK YOU. APPRECIATE IT.GIVE HER A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

- THAT'S SO NICE OF HER.- [APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES]

I WAS AT STARBUCKS RECENTLYAND THERE WAS THIS GIRL

IN FRONT OF ME IN LINEWHO WAS INCREDIBLY GOOD LOOKING.

AND SHE TOOK HERPASTRY AND HER DRINK ANDTHEN SHE WALKED OUT OF

MY LIFE FOREVER.AND I WENT HOME TO MY ROOMMATEAND I SAID, "IT'S OVER WITH.

I'M NEVER GONNASEE THIS GIRL AGAIN."

AND HE SAID, "NICK,IT'S NOT OVER WITH YET,

YOU NEED TO GET ONTOCRAIGSLIST.ORG."

I SAID, "BUT I DON'T WANTTO BUY, SELL OR TRADE ANYTHING.

HE SAID, "IT DOESN'T MATTER.YOU NEED TO GET INTO

'MISSED CONNECTIONS.'IT'S ON THE WEB SITE."

AND SO I GO INTO THISSECTION AND PEOPLE ARE POSTINGTHESE MISSED CONNECTIONS.

LIKE, "HEY, I SAW YOU HERE.

"YOU WERE WEARING THIS.I WAS WEARING THIS.

"I HOPE YOU FIND THISRANDOM POSTING

- ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB, POST."- [LAUGHTER]

AND THEY JUSTLEAVE IT THERE FOR FATE.

AND THEY HOPE THATTHAT PERSON'S GONNA GO ONTOCRAIGSLIST.ORG THAT DAY

OR THE NEXT DAYOR WITHIN A WEEK, OR TWO WEEKS,

WHICH IS WHENTHEY'RE JUST GONNA DELETE IT.

AND THEY GOT TO PRAY THATTHEY'RE GONNA GO INTO THAT CITY

AND THEY'RE GONNA GOINTO MISSED CONNECTIONS.

AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA RECOGNIZETHE SUBJECT LINE ENOUGH

AND IT HASN'T BEEN BOGGED DOWNBY TOO MANY OTHER POSTINGS.

AND THEY'LL OPEN THE LINKAND THEN READ WHAT WAS WRITTENAND REMEMBER THAT SITUATION.

AND THEN RESPOND TO THEEMAIL ADDRESS THAT'S IN THERE.AND, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

JUST-- AH. PLEASE.

AND IT HAPPENS TO MEDAY IN AND DAY OUT.

AND I'D LIKE TO AH-- YOU KNOW,

I'D LIKE TO INVITEA FRIEND ONSTAGE RIGHT NOW.

HE'S A PROFESSIONALBACKGROUND SINGER.

PLEASE GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSEFOR PETER STEVENS.

- HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, PETER.

- YOU GOOD?- I'M GOOD.

ALL RIGHT. THIS IS CALLED"MISSED CONNECTIONS."

"STARBUCKS, SATURDAY.

"YOU, BANANA NUT MUFFIN,TALL SOY LATTE.

I WAS THE GUYBEHIND YOU IN LINE

WITH THE RED SPANDEX AND THEBLACK GIRLS KICK ASS T-SHIRT.

IT'S A BLACK T-SHIRT THAT SAID,'GIRLS KICK ASS.'

IT'S A GENERAL STATEMENT.

WHEN YOU WALKED OUT OF STARBUCKSTHAT DAY, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF

'I'M NEVER GONNA SEE THIS GIRL AGAIN.'

BUT THEN I GOT ON THE INTERNET.

DO I REMEMBERWHAT YOU WERE WEARING? NO.

DO I REMEMBER ANY FACTS THATMIGHT HELP YOU REMEMBER ME? NO.

BUT I HOPE YOU FIND THIS.AND IF YOU DO,

PLEASE EMAIL ME ATPLAYA5000@YAHOO."

♪ THAT'S A MISSED CONNECTION

♪ I MISSED YOUIN THE REAL WORLD ♪

♪ SO I CONNECT TO YOUVIA THE WEB ♪

AH, I JUST WALKED IN THIS--I THINK IT'S STICKY ON MY FACE!

IT'S SPIDERS IN MY HAIR!AH-- SPIDERS!"

♪ IT'S NOT A SPIDER WEBIT'S A WORLD WIDE WEB ♪

♪ OH

♪ IT'S NOT CONNECTEDBY BRANCHES ♪

♪ RIGHT

"BURBANK, CALIFORNIA.GROCERY STORE, SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

"YOU, BLACK GIRL, WHITE SHORTS.ME, WHITE GUY,

- "BABY BLUE FUBU SUIT.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"LISTEN, SHORTY,I WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

"I FOLLOWED YOU INTOTHE TOILET PAPER AISLE.

"GROSSED ME OUT.I DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT STUFF.

"BUT I KEPT FOLLOWING.FOLLOWED YOU OVER TO THECOLD AND FLU SECTION.

- "ARE YOU OKAY?- [LAUGHTER]

"LISTEN, I WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN.SO IF YOU GET THIS,

"PLAYA5000@YAHOO.COM.

♪ THAT'S A MISSED CONNECTION

♪ I MISSED YOUIN THE REAL WORLD ♪

♪ SO I CONNECT TO YOUVIA THE WEB ♪

♪ WAIT A MINUTE, NICK,I'M NOT SEEING THIS WEB THING ♪

♪ YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

♪ I CAN'T SEE IT ANYWHEREI CAN'T SEE IT ANYWHERE ♪

♪ CAN YOU SEE THE WIND?CAN YOU SEE THE WIND? ♪

♪ BUT IS IT STILL THERE?

♪ IS THE WIND STILL BLOWINGIN YOUR HAIR? ♪

♪ I CAN SEE THE WINDI CAN SEE THE WIND ♪

♪ I BELIEVE IN WIND

♪ THEN YOU BELIEVE IN THE WEB

♪ THEN YOU BELIEVE IN THE WEB

♪ I BELIEVE

♪ RIGHT NOWYOU'RE BREATHING IN THE WEB ♪

♪ AH!

♪ YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE WEB

♪ I BELIEVE

"HUDSON THEATRE,

"COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS TAPING NICK THUNE'S SHOW.

"I WAS THE GIRL THATTRIED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU WERE THE BATHROOM.I MISS YOU SO BAD RIGHT NOW.

"I WANT TO GET INSIDE YOURIGHT NOW.

"I WANTED TO GET TO YOU BEFOREEVERYBODY ELSE GOT OUT THERE

"AND ALL THESE GIRLSI DON'T EVEN KNOW

"ARE JUST IN THEREPEEING IN YOU.

"I WANTED TOGET IN THERE ALONE.

"I'M GONNA BE HONEST,I WAS JUST GONNA GO NUMBER ONE.

"WHILE I WAS SITTING THERE,I DON'T KNOW,

"MAYBE KILL TWO BIRDSWITH ONE STONE.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

♪ THAT'S A MISSED CONNECTION

THANK YOU GUYS VERY, VERY MUCH.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I WAS RECENTLY ASKED TO PERFORMON A SHOW IN LOS ANGELES

WHERE I LIVE CURRENTLY,AND THIS SHOW WAS PUT ON

BY A COMPANY BY THE NAME OF HIGH TIMES MAGAZINE,

AND SOME OF YOU GUYSMAY KNOW WHO THEY ARE,

SOME OF YOU GUYS MAY NOT.AND IF YOU DON'T, YOU KNOW

IT'S A PUBLICATION THAT DEALSMOSTLY WITH CURRENT EVENTS.

[LAUGHTER]

MOSTLY WEED CURRENT EVENTS.

JUST STUFF THAT'S HAPPENINGWITH WEED. AND AH...

AND I FELT GUILTYPERFORMING ON THE SHOW

BECAUSE I HAVEZERO JOKES ABOUT WEED.

AND I STILL WANTED TO PERFORM,SO THE NIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW

I THOUGHT I WOULDDO SOMETHING SPECIAL

AND I INVITED A FRIEND OF MINEOVER TO MY HOUSE WHO SMOKES

A TON OF POT.AND I SAID, "LISTEN,

"SMOKE AS MUCH WEEDAS YOU NEED TO.

"ALL I WANT TO DO IS JUSTKIND OF FOLLOW YOU AROUND

AND KEEP TRACK OFWHAT YOU'RE DOING."

AND I'M GONNA GO OVERTHAT TIME LINE WITH YOU GUYS,

UM-- RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS THE TIME LINEOF MY FRIEND SMOKING POT.

8:42 PM, SMOKED POTOUT OF A PIPE.

8:52 PM, CHANGED HISOUTGOING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE.

AFTER 16 TRIES,HE FINALLY WENT WITH,

"YOU'VE GOT DANNY'S PHONE.LEAVE A MESSAGES."

[LAUGHTER]

9:15, DECIDED THATHIS LEFT LEG IS DEFINITELYSHORTER THAN HIS RIGHT LEG.

[LAUGHTER]

- 9:16, MEASURED HIS LEGS.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

9:37, STARTED ATHREE-COURSE MEAL.

FIRST COURSE, EGGO WAFFLE,PEANUT AND JELLY SANDWICH.

IT'S PRETTY STANDARD,FROM WHAT I HEAR.

SECOND COURSE, UNCOOKEDSPAGHETTI NOODLES-- SANDWICH.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

THIRD COURSE,OLD BAG OF CANDY CANES.

TO BE HONEST,WE DON'T EVEN KNOWWHERE HE GOT 'EM.

DEFINITELY DIDN'TWALK IN THE HOUSE WITH THEM.

AND, YOU KNOW WE DIDN'THAVE 'EM THEREBEFORE HE GOT THERE.

SO STILL TRYINGTO FIGURE THAT OUT.

11:30, HE GOT A LITTLE ACTIVE.HE WENT OUT TO HIS CAR

TO GET A MIXED CD THAT HEWANTED ME TO LISTEN TO SO BAD.

HE CAME BACK 20 MINUTES LATERVERY CONFUSED...WITHOUT THE CD.

I REMINDED HIMTHAT HE DOES NOT OWN A CAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN FINALLY,RIGHT AROUND MIDNIGHT,

HE GOT HUNGRY AGAINAND HE FISHED COOKIE DOUGH BALLS

OUT OF BEN AND JERRY'SCOOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM.

HE THEN PUT THECOOKIE DOUGH BALLS ON A PAN

- AND ATTEMPTED TO BAKE COOKIES.- [LAUGHTER OH'S & APPLAUSE]

I WOULD LOVE TO SHARE ALOVE STORY WITH YOU GUYS.

UM...

THIS IS A LOVE STORYTHAT ACTUALLY DOCUMENTS

MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH LOVEGROWING UP IN

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON.

I WAS 14 YEARS OLD AND IT'STITLED "INSTANT MESSENGER."

[TUNING GUITAR]

THE YEAR WAS 1994AND MY DAD BROUGHT HOME

THE FIRST FAMILY COMPUTER.IT WAS AN APPLE,

- THANKS, DAD.- [LAUGHTER]

HE BROUGHT IT INSIDEAND HE PUT IT ONTHE TABLE AND HE SAID,

"NICK, I CAN'T SET THIS UP.I'M TOO OLD."

I GRABBED HIS HAND,I SAID, "I CAN DO IT, ERIC."HE SAID, "CALL ME DAD."

- I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, DAD."- [LAUGHTER]

I HAD 1250 FREE MINUTES OF AOLBURNING IN MY BACK POCKET.

MY DAD SAID,"NICK, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

"YOU CAN'T HAVEYOUR OWN SCREEN NAME YET.BUT YOU CAN USE MINE."

IT WAS "SALMON" WITH AN "ERD"AT THE END OF IT. "SALMONERD."

SO I GOT ONLINE AS "SALMONERD"

FOUND OUT ABOUT CHATTINGPRETTY QUICK.

AND THAT'S WHERE I MET HER,INSYNC-HOTTIE-503.

♪ INSYNC-HOTTIE-503

♪ I HEART HER AND SHESMILEY FACED ALL OVER ME ♪

♪ SMILEY FACED ON ME

SOMETIMES INSYNC-HOTTIE-503WOULD SAY STUFF

AND I'D BE LIKE, "WHAT?"AND SHE'D BE, LIKE, "JK"AND I'D BE, LIKE, "LOL."

BECAUSE YOU GUYS,I KNEW SHE WAS JUST KIDDING.

BUT I WAS LITERALLYLAUGHING OUT LOUD.

AND IF YOU'REDOING THAT WHILE TALKING TOSOMEBODY ON THE INTERNET,

YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

I SPENT MOST OFTHE DAY MINIMIZING WHENMY DAD WALKED BY.

INSYNC-HOTTIE-503 TOLD MESHE WAS A 22 YEAR-OLD ACTRESS,

JUST MOVED TO HOLLYWOODTWO MONTHS AGO.

SHE WAS NERVOUSBECAUSE THE NEXT DAY,

WHICH WAS TOMORROW BACK THEN,

SHE WAS GONNA BE ON TVFOR THE FIRST TIME,

FULL HOUSE, TGIF. SHE WAS AN EXTRA.

TOLD HER, "HEY,I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKETO BE NERVOUS.

"I HAVE A PRETTY BIGNEXT DAY MYSELF

"'CAUSE I'M GOING OUT TO SEAFOR SIX MONTHS.

"I'M A 25 YEAR-OLDFISHERMAN IN ALASKA,

DEADLIEST SALMON RUNKNOWN TO MAN."

I WASN'T SCAREDBECAUSE THEY CALL ME

- "SALMONERD" FOR A REASON.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AT ONE POINT,I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOMSO I WROTE "BRB".

AND I CAME BACK A FEW MINUTESLATER AND INSYNC-HOTTIE-503

HAD WRITTEN"QUESTION MARK, QUESTION MARK,FROWNIE FACE."

AND I SAID, "LISTEN, I'M SORRY,INSYNC-HOTTIE-503, BUT 'BRB'

MEANS 'BE RIGHT BACK.'"SHE SAID, "NO, SALMONERD,I KNOW WHAT 'BRB' MEANS.

"BUT I DON'T KNOWIF YOU ARE GOING TO BE 'BRB'FROM THAT SALMON RUN."

AND THAT'S WHEN I SAID--CAPS LOCK--

"DON'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW!""JUST STOP YELLING AT ME!"

I SAID, "sorry," IN LOWER CASE.

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, "LISTEN,I CAN'T LIE TO YOU ANYMORE.

I'M A 14 YEAR OLD KIDIN CATTLE AND I'M SCARED."

SHE SAID, "WHERE'S CATTLE?"AND I WAS, LIKE,

"YOU KNOW, THAT'S ASTUPID ABBREVIATION ON MY PART.

IT'S A C-ATTLE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A FEW MINUTES WENT BY,NO RESPONSE.

SIGN OFF. SIGN ON.SIGN OFF. SIGN ON.

FINALLY, SHE SAID,"SALMONERD QUESTION MARK"

AND I SAID,"YES, INSYNC-HOTTIE-503,DOT, DOT, DOT"

SHE SAID, "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE

BECAUSE I'M YOUR57 YEAR OLD NEIGHBOR JIM."

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

♪ INSYNC-HOTTIE-503

♪ I CRY FACED HER RIGHT AFTERSHE WINKY FACED ♪

♪ ALL OVER ME

♪ WINKY FACED ON ME

SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY DOA REGULAR WINKY FACE.

SHE DID A SEMICOLON,BEGINNING PARENTHESIS.

WHICH IS A WINKY/FROWNY FACE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF THAT'S A REAL EMOTION.

I MEAN, I GUESSIT'S KIND OF LIKE SAYING,

"HEY, I'M UNHAPPY BUTYOU GET IT, RIGHT?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

RECENTLY, MY ROOMMATEWALKED IN ON MEWHILE I WAS MASTURBATING.

- [LAUGHTER]- NO, I'M, I'M SORRY.

I SAID THAT WRONG.

RECENTLY, I WALKED INON MY ROOMMATEWHILE I WAS MASTURBATING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, CAN I BORROW THAT SOCK?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

LET ME TELL YOU GUYSTHE MOST AWKWARD PLACE

TO RUN INTO A HOMELESS PERSON.

IT'S ON YOUR WAYTO THE COIN STAR.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"AH, NO, SIR, I DON'T HAVE ANYSPARE CHANGE. AH...

"I WAS JUST GONNA TRY ANDFLIP THIS INTO REGULAR MONEY

- BUT THANK YOU."- [LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT GONNA LIE, GUYS,I LOVE--

I LOVE TAKING PICTURES OF PEOPLEWITH MY CELL PHONE.

THERE'S NO CAMERA ON IT,BUT MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S USUALLY ABOUTFORTY-FIVE AWKWARD SECONDS

OF FRIENDS POSING FOR PICTURESWHILE I CHECK TEXT MESSAGES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOOKED UP "BISEXUAL"IN THE DICTIONARY

AND IT JUST SAID "SEE GAY."

UNLESS YOU'RE A CHICK,THEN IT'S COOL.

DO YOU GUYS THINKBIRDS EVER SAY,

"HEY, I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY,BUT HEAR ME OUT, UM--

"TOMORROW, I'M GONNA TRY ANDKILL TWO PEOPLE WITH ONE STONE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE THE GUY WHO ACTUALLYWROTE THAT SAYING,

"KILLING TWO BIRDSWITH ONE STONE."

WHEN IN HISTORY WAS THEREAN ABUNDANCE OF BIRDS

AND A SHORTAGE OF STONES?

LIKE WHEN WAS SOME GUYJUST LIKE AH--

"OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?

"CAN YOU JUST USE ONEFROM NOW ON?

"NO, NO, NO, WELL, ACTUALLYWE'RE TRYING TO CONSERVE ROCKS,

"BUT AH-- THANKS FORQUESTIONING THE AUTHORITY.

"YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH,TRY AND GET TWO WITH THAT ONE.

"YEAH, THERE'S A[BLEEP] LOAD OF BIRDS.

"APPRECIATE IT.YOU KNOW WHAT?

REMEMBER THATAND TELL EVERYONE FOREVER."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MY INTERNET IS DOWN AT HOMERIGHT NOW.

I GUESS MY NEIGHBORSFORGOT TO PAY THEIR BILL AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE PRETTY IRRESPONSIBLESO IT DIDN'T SURPRISE ME.

I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD OPEN UPA RESTAURANT AND NAME IT

"I DON'T CARE" SO I COULDFINALLY GO TO THE PLACE

THAT MY GIRLFRIEND'SALWAYS TALKING ABOUT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHEN I WAS 13 YEARS OLD,

ARBY'S STARTED AFIVE FOR FIVE DEAL.

IT WAS FIVEBEEF 'N CHEDDARS FOR $5.BRILLIANT.

14 YEARS LATER, THANK THE LORD,

THEY HAVE THE EXACT SAME DEAL.

SO EITHER INFLATIONHAS NEVER HIT ARBY'S

OR THEY'VE BEEN HIGHBALL MEFOR 14 YEARS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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