CC Presents: Dan Naturman

  • Season 9, Ep 11
  • 04/14/2005

FROM THE FLORIDA AREA?

[CHEERING]

ALL RIGHT, FLORIDA THERE.

ALREADY GOT MY AIRLINE TICKETS

BOOKED.

I'M GOING JET BLUE AIRLINES

WHICH I ALWAYS DO.

AND UH, MY FEELING IS IF

JET BLUE DOESN'T GO THERE,

I DON'T GO THERE.

I'M VERY LOYAL TO JET BLUE

THAT'S A GOOD AIRLINE,

GOOD SERVICE, GOOD AIRFARE

PLUS I'M THINKING MAYBE THE

TERRORISTS HAVEN'T HEARD OF

JET BLUE, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE A NEWER AIRLINE.

I'M WONDERING WHETHER AL QUIDA

HAS CAUGHT ON TO THE ALL LEATHER

SEATING AND THE LOW AIRFARES.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT LAST TIME I WAS ON JET BLUE

THERE'S A DUDE SITTING NEXT

TO ME, HE LOOKS SUSPICIOUS,

I WAS A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS.

BUT, UH, HE WAS WATCHING A MOVIE

THOUGH SO I'M THINKING, WELL,

WOULD A HIJACKER WATCH A MOVIE?

PROBABLY NOT, RIGHT, DOESN'T

MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.

BUT YOU'D KNOW IT WAS A GOOD

MOVIE THOUGH IF YOU LAND

AND HE'S LIKE "OH MY GOD,

I FORGOT TO HIJACK THE PLANE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.

IT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT IS THE THIRD TIME THIS

WEEK.

IT IS TOO MUCH."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY SISTER JUST MOVED TO CHICAGO.

I WENT TO VISIT HER.

I HAD NEVER BEEN BEFORE.

NOW THAT'S A CRAZY TOWN.

THEY'VE GOT LIKE THEIR OWN LINGO

FOR STUFF.

LIKE WHAT WE CALL SODA ON THE

EAST COAST LIKE DECENT

HUMAN BEINGS THEY DON'T CALL

SODA IN CHICAGO, RIGHT?

WHAT DO THEY CALL IT?

Audience: POP.

Dan Naturman: YEAH, POP, EXCEPT

NO ONE TOLD ME THAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I GO TO A VARIETY STORE

THE GUY'S LIKE "WE GOT POP

IN THE BACK."

NOW I THOUGHT HE SAID, "POT".

SO, UH...

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE "IN THE BACK,

YOU'RE KIDDING, OVER HERE?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THIS WAY, REALLY?"

HE'S LIKE "OH, YEAH WE GOT

EVERYTHING, WE'VE GOT COKE."

I'M LIKE "WHOA, EASY, EASY."

IT'S LIKE KEEP IT DOWN, MAN.

YOU'RE THE WORST DRUG DEALER

I'VE EVER SEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE HAD A LOT OF CRAPPY

DRUG DEALERS IN MY DAY BUT

YOU ARE THE WORST.

EVERY TIME I DRIVE SOMEWHERE

I GET A SPEEDING TICKET,

I THINK, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT MARYLAND IS THE WORST.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER

DRIVEN THROUGH MARYLAND BEFORE

THEY ARE NASTY DOWN THERE.

THEY WILL TICKET YOU--

WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE,

THEY WILL TICKET YOU SOON AS

LOOK AT YOU.

AND DON'T THINK A GOOD RADAR

DETECTOR IS GOING TO HELP YOU

EITHER 'CAUSE THEY HAVE LIKE

INSTANT ON RADAR GUNS THAT

THE RADAR DETECTOR'S NOT GONNA

PICK UP, LASER SPEED DETECTION

EQUIPMENT, RIGHT?

THEY EVEN USE SMALL PLANES

DOWN THERE THEY CLOCK YOU FROM

OVERHEAD.

MATTER FACT ONE TIME I WAS

PULLED OVER IN MARYLAND BY

MY FRIEND IN THE PASSENGER SEAT

WHO WAS WORKING UNDERCOVER

FOR THE MARYLAND STATE POLICE.

THAT'S HOW FAR THEY'LL GO.

THEY'LL STOP AT NOTHING.

HE'S LIKE, "DAN, PULL OVER,

YOU'RE SPEEDING."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE, "TIM, WHAT THE HELL

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

IT'S LIKE "THE NAME'S NOT TIM.

IT'S SHAWN McWILLIAMS,

MARYLAND STATE POLICE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"LIKE I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR

TEN YEARS, THIS WAS A STING?

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL."

[LAUGHTER]

ADDING UP.

PLUS DATING IS EXPENSIVE,

ESPECIALLY IN THIS TOWN.

YOU NEW YORK CHICKS, YOU KNOW

YOU'RE HIGH MAINTENANCE,

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T DENY IT,

DON'T DENY IT NEW YORK CHICKS,

I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE NOT

WORTH IT BY THE WAY,

I DIDN'T SAY YOU'RE NOT

WORTH IT.

I'M SAYING I AIN'T GOT IT,

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

WELL, YOU TAKE A NEW YORK CHICK

OUT TO DINNER FIRST OF ALL

YOU KNOW SHE IS GOING TO ORDER

THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING ON THE

MENU.

THAT HAPPENED TO ME JUST

LAST WEEK, THE GIRL ORDERS

A BIG MAC, RIGHT, WHICH IS A...

[LAUGHTER]

A LITTLE PRESUMPTUOUS ON THE

FIRST DATE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

ANYWAYS...

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN YOUR 30s

WHEN YOU STOP LOOKING FORWARD

TO BIRTHDAYS.

THEY DON'T GET ME EXCITED

ANYMORE AND PLUS THE FACT THAT I

NEVER GET ANYTHING GOOD ANYWAY.

EVERYONE'S ALWAYS GIVING ME

GIFT CERTIFICATES.

ON MY LAST BIRTHDAY, MY FRIEND

GIVES ME A $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE

TO TOWER RECORDS.

YOU KNOW THE BIG RECORD STORE

CHAIN.

SO IT WAS NICE THAT

HE REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY

BUT QUITE HONESTLY I NEVER

UNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT OF THE

GIFT CERTIFICATE.

'CAUSE I'M THINKING, FOR THE

SAME 50 BUCKS HE COULD'VE JUST

GOTTEN ME 50 BUCKS, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

AND MAYBE SLIPPED A NOTE IN

THERE SAYING "IF YOU'RE IN THE

AREA CHECK OUT TOWER RECORDS".

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT DON'T CONFINE ME TO THE

RECORD STORE.

GIVE ME THE OPTION OF SPENDING

IT ON PORNOGRAPHY.

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL PROBABLY GO TO THE

RECORD STORE ANYWAY PICK-UP SOME

CYNDI LAUPER CD'S BUT LET ME

MAKE THE DECISION.

'CAUSE HE HANDS ME THE ENVELOPE

WITH THE GIFT CERTIFICATE IN IT,

I ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS CASH

AND I JOKINGLY SAID "I'LL TRY

NOT TO SPEND IT ALL IN ONE

PLACE."

WHICH TURNS OUT I GOT NO CHOICE.

IT'S THE RECORD STORE OR

NOTHING.

I COULD USE A NEW WATCH.

YOU SEE I DON'T HAVE A WATCH.

I LOST MY WATCH.

SO, IF YOU REMEMBER THIS YEAR,

YOU WANT TO GET ME A WATCH

BUT SOMETHING NICE LIKE A ROLEX

WOULD BE NICE.

THAT'D RUN YOU A LOT,

THAT'S LIKE TEN GRAND BUT

YOU KNOW IT'S A NICE WATCH.

NOW YOU CAN GET IT FOR $30

ON THE STREET BUT THEY'RE NOT

REAL SO BE CAREFUL.

'CAUSE MY FRIEND BOUGHT ONE,

HE'S LIKE "DAN, CAN YOU TELL

THIS ROLEX IS FAKE?"

I'M LIKE "OF COURSE YOU CAN TELL

IT'S FAKE."

HE'S LIKE "HOW CAN YOU TELL,

IS IT THE BAND?"

I'M LIKE "NO, IT'S THE PERSON

WEARING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETHING ABOUT THAT AC/DC

T-SHIRT YOU GOT ON...

[LAUGHTER]

WITH ALL THE MUSTARD AND

KETCHUP STAINS THAT MAKES

ONE WONDER WHETHER THE WATCH IS

REAL."

BUT IF YOU CAN AFFORD A ROLEX

FELLAS, I SAY GET ONE,

IT'S WORTH IT, 'CAUSE A LOT OF

WOMEN, THEY'LL LOOK AT A ROLEX

WATCH AND KNOW YOU'RE SUCCESSFUL

AND THAT'S SEXY TO A LOT OF

WOMEN, RIGHT, A ROLEX WATCH

IS VERY SEXY.

NOW A CALCULATOR WATCH,

NOT VERY SEXY.

I DON'T KNOW IF THEY STILL MAKE

THOSE OR NOT BUT NOTHING SAID

FRIDAY NIGHT AT HOME ALONE LIKE

A CALCULATOR WATCH.

YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE "HOW LONG SINCE I HAVE

GOTTEN LAID, LET ME CALCULATE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE HERE."

WOW, THAT WAS A LONG TIME.

THEY LOOK AT THE TRAPPINGS,

LIKE THEY LOOK AT THE WATCH

OR MAYBE THE CAR, RIGHT?

LIKE A NICE CAR IS ATTRACTIVE

TO A LOT OF WOMEN.

I FOUND WITH, A 96' GEO YOU'RE

NOT GETTING THE TOP QUALITY

BOOTY.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, MAYBE IT'S ME I DON'T KNOW

BUT YOU GET NO RESPECT DRIVING

THAT THING.

JUST LAST WEEK SOME TOLLBOOTH

COLLECTOR STARTED GIVING ME

ATTITUDE.

HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH,

THAT'D BE 1.25.

YOU THINK YOU CAN SWING IT,

GEO MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

BY THE WAY, THAT'S A NICE RADAR

DETECTOR YOU'VE GOT IN THERE,

I'M SURE IT COMES IN HANDY

WITH YOUR TWO HORSEPOWER PIECE

OF JUNK."

NO RESPECT AT ALL.

I'LL TELL YOU, THERE ARE SO MANY

HOT WOMEN IN NEW YORK CITY

IT'S TOO MUCH, IT REALLY IS.

THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE,

THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE,

THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND NOT THAT LOOK'S ARE

EVERYTHING.

I JUST WANT TO MENTION THAT

LOOKS ARE NOT EVERYTHING,

ALL RIGHT?

AND I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT.

I BELIEVE THAT INNER BEAUTY

IS ACTUALLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN

PHYSICAL BEAUTY.

LIKE IF A WOMAN IS A LITTLE

OVERWEIGHT FOR EXAMPLE THAT

DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

NOW, NOT TOO OVERWEIGHT 'CAUSE

A GEO IS A SMALL CAR ALL RIGHT?

AND I'VE GOT TO FIT HER IN THE

THING OTHERWISE I'VE GOT

TO LEAVE HER AT HOME AND THAT'S

NOT GOOD FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK I'M JOKING SIR,

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND, LARGE WOMAN

SIR, WE MET HERE IN NEW YORK

CITY AND THE WAY WE MET,

WE LIVED IN THE SAME BUILDING,

THAT'S HOW WE MET.

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THE DAY

WE MET EITHER.

I'M IN THE ELEVATOR AND THE

DOOR OPENS, SHE'S STANDING

THERE, SHE SAYS GOING DOWN,

I SAYS WE ARE IF YOU GET IN

AND UH...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY.

[APPLAUSE]

I TRIED TO GET LIKE A

CORPORATE JOB BUT YOU KNOW WHAT

ALWAYS MESSED ME UP WAS THE

INTERVIEW PART.

I SEE A LOT OF CORPORATE PEOPLE

HERE TONIGHT.

I TRIED TO BE IN THE

CORPORATE WORLD BUT THE

INTERVIEW ALWAYS MESSED ME UP.

LIKE ONE TIME I WAS AT A

JOB INTERVIEW AND THE GUY'S

GIVING ME FLACK, TELLS ME

I'M NOT DRESSED APPROPRIATELY.

AND I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM

THAT MY KARATE CLASS RAN LATE.

AND I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO

CHANGE.

PLUS, I'D ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG

THING AT JOB INTERVIEWS, TOO.

FOR EXAMPLE, HERE'S SOMETHING

YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY AT A JOB

INTERVIEW, "UH, CAN I HAVE MY

RESUME BACK, IT'S MY ONLY COPY."

SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY.

[LAUGHTER]

PLUS ANOTHER THING YOU SHOULD

NEVER SAY AT A JOB INTERVIEW,

"NOW ABOUT THE MEDICAL BENEFITS,

HOW'S THE PSYCHIATRIC COVERAGE?"

WHICH IT'S NEVER GOOD ANYWAY,

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED

THAT BUT IT'S ALWAYS TERRIBLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WORKED IN AN ICE CREAM PARLOR

ONE SUMMER AND THAT'S A

STRESSFUL JOB.

YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT, BUT THE

CUSTOMERS ARE VERY DEMANDING AND

ONCE IN A WHILE I GOT TO ADMIT,

I WOULD SNAP ON THE CUSTOMERS.

I HATE TO SAY IT BUT ONE TIME

AFTER A LONG HARD DAY,

WOMAN COMES IN AND ASKS ME

"WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?"

I SAY, "WHAT DO I RECOMMEND?

BEN AND JERRY'S DOWN THE STREET,

NOW GET HELL OUT OF HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU'VE EVER WORKED IN

A STORE TO, YOU'VE NOTICED THAT

YOU'LL SAY SOMETHING RUDE

TO A CUSTOMER, THEY ALWAYS SAY

THE SAME THING, DON'T THEY?

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE "WELL,

I'M NOT COMING BACK HERE AGAIN,

YOU JUST LOST A CUSTOMER."

I'D BE LIKE "NO, I DIDN'T LOSE

A CUSTOMER THE STORE LOST A

CUSTOMER.

I GAINED A BREAK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT HERE'S THE FUNNY THING.

NO MATTER HOW MESSED UP YOUR

FAMILY IS, WHEN YOU'RE A

LITTLE KID YOU DON'T REALIZE

YOUR FAMILY IS WEIRD 'CAUSE

ALL YOU KNOW IS YOUR FAMILY.

YOU'RE THINKING, "WELL, I GUESS

THAT IS HOW EVERY FAMILY IS."

LIKE I REMEMBER ONE TIME WHEN

I WAS LITTLE, I WAS AT MY FRIEND

MIKE'S HOUSE FOR DINNER, RIGHT,

AND IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER

I TURNED TO HIM AND I SAID,

"HEY MIKE, THESE POTATOES ARE

UNDERCOOKED, YOU'RE MOTHER'S

IN FOR A BEATING LATER, HUH?"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I FIGURED THEY WERE JUST

LIKE US.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, AND THEN MIKE SPILLS HIS

SODA AND I'M LIKE "RUN,

IT COULD GET UGLY."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND WE DIDN'T HAVE TELEVISION

GROWING UP.

MY FATHER THOUGHT TV WAS BAD

FOR YA.

SO WE PLAYED BOARD GAMES INSTEAD

LIKE TRIVIAL PURSUIT,

YOU REMEMBER THAT RIGHT?

MY WHOLE FAMILY WOULD GATHER

AROUND AND PLAY TRIVIAL PURSUIT.

TILL WE DISCOVERED THAT NOBODY

IN MY FAMILY COULD ANSWER ANY OF

THOSE QUESTIONS.

AND THEN WE HAD TO CHANGE

THE RULES TO SOMETHING WE COULD

HANDLE AND IT JUST BECAME

WHO COULD THROW THE PIECES THE

FARTHEST.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR THE BONUS ROUND EAT THE

PIECES.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY FATHER NEVER TALKED TO ME

ABOUT SEX.

WHO HERE HAD THEIR FATHER TALK

TO THEM ABOUT SEX, ANYBODY?

IT WAS NEVER DISCUSSED IN OUR

HOUSE.

EXCEPT BEFORE I WENT OFF TO

COLLEGE.

IT WAS THE ONLY TIME MY FATHER

TALKED TO ME ABOUT SEX.

HE SAT ME DOWN AND HE'S LIKE

"OKAY DAN, NOW YOU'RE GOING OFF

TO COLLEGE.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIVING AWAY

FROM HOME IN A DORM SURROUNDED

BY A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

SO ANYWAY I GOT YOU SOMETHING

FROM THE DRUGSTORE.

I'M LIKE "NO, I KNOW ABOUT

CONDOMS" AND HE'S LIKE "NO,

NO ANTIDEPRESSANTS 'CAUSE, AH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT COULD BE FRUSTRATING, YEAH,

ALL THOSE...

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

ALL RIGHT, KEEP IT GOING.

NOW, YOU KNOW I'LL TELL YOU

ONE THING ABOUT MY COLLEGE.

THEY GOT THE NERVE TO CALL ME UP

ASKING FOR MONEY.

ALL THESE YEARS LATER,

THAT'S THE MESSED UP THING

ABOUT COLLEGE, YOU SPEND ALL

THAT MONEY, YOU SPEND LIKE A

100,000 IN TUITION, YOU THINK

YOU'RE DONE WITH THEM, THEN FOR

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE THEY'RE

CALLING UP ASKING FOR MONEY.

NO ONE ELSE DOES THAT.

I SEE A MOVIE I DON'T GET A CALL

FROM THE THEATER THE NEXT DAY

YEAH, LIKE "WE'RE BUYING A NEW

PROJECTOR CAN YOU KICK IN A FEW

BUCKS?"

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE CALLING ALL THE

SPIDERMAN 2 ALUMNI TO SEE IF

THEY CAN...

AND THE MESSED UP THING IS

YOU NEVER USE ANY OF THAT CRAP

YOU LEARNED IN COLLEGE.

THEY TEACH YOU ALL KINDS OF

NONSENSE.

YOU NEVER USE ANY OF IT.

MY FRIEND WAS A SPANISH MAJOR

IN COLLEGE.

HE SPENT 20 GRAND A YEAR

TUITION, FOUR YEARS LEARNING

HOW TO SPEAK SPANISH.

THAT IS A WASTE OF MONEY 'CAUSE

ONE YEAR IN A MEXICAN PRISON

AND YOU'RE FLUENT.

ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT DON'T COST YOU A CENT

EITHER AND YOU'RE GONNA STUDY

IN PRISON.

IT'S NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW THESE

COLLEGE STUDENTS DON'T STUDY.

YOU'RE IN A MEXICAN PRISON

AND YOU'RE GONNA HIT THE BOOKS

LEARNING SOME SPANISH 'CAUSE

SHOWER TIME IS COMING UP,

ALL RIGHT?

AND YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO KNOW

A FEW PHRASES AT LEAST,

YOU KNOW, LIKE "DON'T PUT THAT

IN THERE PLEASE, PLEASE".

[LAUGHTER]

JACKSON?

ANY NEWS, ANY NEWS ON THE

MICHAEL JACKSON FRONT?

DO YOU THINK HE'S GUILTY?

DO YOU?

DO YOU THINK MICHAEL JACKSON--

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE SOME APPLAUSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT APPLAUSE

MEANS.

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE THE JURORS DON'T APPLAUD

WHEN THEY ASK THEM TO PRONOUNCE

THE VERDICT 'CAUSE THAT'S

NEITHER A YES NOR A NO.

I'M A LITTLE ON THE FENCE

MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S GUILTY

OR NOT.

HE'S SO WEIRD WHO CAN TELL WITH

THAT GUY.

BUT I TELL YOU THIS, IF HE IS

GUILTY, HE'S CERTAINLY NOT YOUR

AVERAGE CHILD MOLESTER.

THAT WE KNOW FOR SURE, RIGHT,

MOSTLY 'CAUSE WHEN YOU GET TO

MICHAEL'S HOUSE, THERE REALLY

ARE RIDES THERE, THAT'S THE

DIFFERENCE YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, 'CAUSE THEY ALL TELL YOU

THEY GOT RIDES.

AND HOW MANY TIMES DID I FALL

FOR THAT ONE GROWING UP?

AND THEN YOU GET TO THE GUY'S

HOUSE, YOU'RE LIKE "WHERE ARE

THE RIDES?

OH, NO NOT AGAIN.

NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

OH APPARENTLY, I'M THE RIDE.

APPARENTLY, I'M THE RIDE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UH, SOME GIRL THE OTHER DAY,

SHE GAVE ME A FAKE PHONE NUMBER.

NOW LADIES COME ON NOW,

YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.

THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE A GUY

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

JUST SAY, "I GOT A BOYFRIEND".

THAT WAY NOBODY GETS INSULTED.

BUT DON'T GET ME ALL EXCITED

WITH A PHONE NUMBER AND THEN

I CALL UP AND IT'S A CHINESE

RESTAURANT, ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW ANNOYING

THAT IS AND YOU CALL UP, "AH,

HUNAN GARDEN."

"I DON'T SUPPOSE LISA'S THERE?

NO, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I GUESS I'LL HAVE THE

CHICKEN WITH BROCCOLI THEN.

AS LONG AS I HAVE GOT YOU ON

THE PHONE, CHICKEN WITH BROCCOLI

IN A LIGHT BROWN SAUCE."

SOME NIGHT YOU ASK A WOMAN FOR

HER NUMBER AND WE'VE ALL GOT

AN ISSUE, SHE'LL BE LIKE

"I DON'T GIVE MY NUMBER OUT."

YOU LADIES ARE LYING BY THE WAY.

YOU TELL ME BRAD PITT WALKS IN

YOU'RE NOT GIVING YOUR NUMBER

OUT?

YOU'RE GONNA WRITE YOUR NUMBER

ON YOUR BOOBS AND SHAKE THEM

IN HIS FACE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

AND THEN I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE "NO BRAD,

DON'T BOTHER, SHE DOESN'T GIVE

HER NUMBER OUT.

ALL RIGHT, I ALREADY ASKED.

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN DUDE."

[LAUGHTER]

TRY AGAIN, I DON'T CARE IF YOU

WERE IN TROY.

WHAT PART OF "SHE DOESN'T GIVE

HER NUMBER OUT" DON'T YOU

UNDERSTAND?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Dan Naturman: I GO TO THE MOVIES

A LOT, I'M A BIG MOVIE BUFF.

BUT I GO TO THE MOVIES BY MYSELF

WHICH SOUNDS A LITTLE WEIRD

TO SOME OF YA BUT I'LL TELL YOU

THIS, THAT'S ACTUALLY THE BEST

WAY TO IF YOU'RE A REAL MOVIE

FAN, YOU GO TO A MOVIE ALONE

YOU CAN CONCENTRATE ON THE

MOVIE.

THERE'S NOTHING WORSE, YOU GO TO

A MOVIE WITH SOMEBODY AND

THEY'RE CHATTERING THE WHOLE

TIME, THAT IS ANNOYING, I HATE

THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORSE IS?

YOU EVER GO TO A MOVIE

AND YOU'RE FRIEND GOES TO THE

BATHROOM AND COMES BACK AND SAYS

"WHAT DID I MISS?"

THAT'S ANNOYING.

I'LL BE LIKE, "WHAT'D YOU MISS?

NOTHING.

THERE WAS A COMMERCIAL.

NOW SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW WHAT DID I MISS?

DID YOU GO NUMBER ONE OR

NUMBER TWO?

YOU KNOW, TRY TO TURN IT AROUND

ON 'EM.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I THINK TECHNOLOGY IS A

DOUBLE EDGE SWORD BECAUSE, UH,

LIKE WE HAVE A LOT OF TECHNOLOGY

NOW WHICH IS A GOOD THING

IN SOME WAYS BUT IN OTHER WAYS

IS A BAD THING.

LIKE FOR EXAMPLE, NOWADAYS

YOU CANNOT GET A MOMENT'S PEACE.

YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM PEOPLE.

YOU TRYING TO AVOID PEOPLE,

YOU CAN'T AVOID 'EM.

LIKE THE OTHER DAY THIS

HAPPENED TO ME, I DON'T IF IT'S

HAPPENED TO YOU, MY HOME PHONE

RINGS, I DON'T ANSWER IT,

ALL RIGHT.

HALF A SECOND LATER MY

CELL PHONE GOES OFF, IT'S LIKE

"WHAT PART OF I'M MASTURBATING

DON'T YOU GET?

[LAUGHTER]

LEAVE ME ALONE."

AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL PEOPLE

"I DIDN'T GET YOUR MESSAGE"

ANYMORE, THOSE DAYS ARE GONE.

AIN'T NOBODY BUYING THAT EXCUSE.

NOT ANYMORE THEY'RE NOT.

YOU JUST GOT TO BE HONEST WITH

PEOPLE.

IT'S LIKE, "WHY DIDN'T YOU GET

BACK TO ME?"

"EH, I DON'T LIKE YA.

I DON'T LIKE YA.

THAT'S ALL I REALLY GOT FOR YA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE IS A LOT OF CRAZY SEX

GOING ON NOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN

SOME OF THESE VIDEOS THEY SELL

LATE NIGHT ON TELEVISION

BUT IT'S CRAZY.

EVERYBODY'S GOING CRAZY AND A

LOT OF PEOPLE ARE TAPING

THEMSELVES HAVING SEX.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF YOU HAVE

EVER DONE THAT BUT I KNOW A GUY

WHO TAPED HIMSELF HAVING SEX

AND HE DIDN'T TELL THE GIRL HE

WAS TAPING, WHICH IS NOT RIGHT.

SO FELLAS, DON'T DO THAT

BUT LADIES, BE CAREFUL THE GUY

MIGHT BE TAPING AND NOT TELLING

YOU, SO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR

CLUES, RIGHT?

LIKE FOR EXAMPLE, IF HE INSISTS

ON LEAVING THE LIGHTS ON, RIGHT,

AND THEY'RE STAGE LIGHTS,

YA KNOW, THEN THE TAPE MIGHT BE

ROLLING.

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT TO TRY GROUP SEX.

THAT WHAT I WANT TO DO.

I'VE NEVER HAD THAT BEFORE.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

NOW I KNOW SOME OF YOU HAVE

DONE IT.

I'M NOT GOING TO POINT YOU OUT

BUT I CAN TELL SOME OF YOU HAVE

DONE IT.

NOW HOW DOES IT WORK THOUGH?

IS IT LIKE FOOTBALL?

DO YOU HAVE A HUDDLE BEFOREHAND?

KINDA PLAN EVERYTHING OUT,

RIGHT?

YOU'RE LIKE, "OKAY, YOU TAKE

RACHEL FROM BEHIND, UH, I'LL

COVER SARAH, UH MURPHY GO LONG,

MASTURBATE IN THE CORNER.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR NOW, WE'LL TRY TO SQUEEZE

YOU IN THE SECOND HALF."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S THE PROBLEM, THERE'S

ALWAYS TOO MANY GUYS SHOWING UP

FOR THOSE THINGS.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE IS STILL RACISM IN

AMERICA PEOPLE.

I HATE TO SAY IT.

RACISM IS ALIVE AND WELL.

AND, ACTUALLY, IT'S MOSTLY GONE

BUT IT'S STILL OUT THERE IN

SMALL AMOUNTS 'CAUSE I WAS

TALKING TO A GIRL RECENTLY SIR,

GET THIS, SHE WAS LOOKING GOOD,

I'M THINKING "WHAT THE HELL,

I'M GOING FOR IT".

I'M TALKING TO HER AND IT'S

GOING GOOD.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW SHE SEEMS LIKE

SHE'S INTO IT AND ALL THAT BUT

THEN SHE'S TELLING ME 'CAUSE

SHE'D BEEN DRINKING, YOU KNOW

PEOPLE DRINK THEY SAY WHAT'S ON

THEIR MIND.

SHE'S TELLING ME SHE DON'T LIKE

BLACK PEOPLE, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT

IN THIS DAY AND AGE, SIR?

I WAS HORRIFIED, TOO.

ON THE OTHER HAND I WAS ALSO

HORNY SO I PLAYED ALONG, RIGHT?

PRETENDED TO AGREE WITH HER.

SO I FINALLY TALK HER INTO

COMING HOME WITH ME, OF COURSE

I HAD TO CALL UP MY ROOMMATE

DARNELL AND TELL HIM TO GET

THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE "DUDE, NO TIME TO

EXPLAIN JUST GO.

AND YOU KNOW THAT POSTER OF

MARTIN LUTHER KING IN THE

LIVING ROOM?

TAKE IT WITH YOU,

YOU UNDERSTAND, 'CAUSE I HAVE

A DREAM OF MY OWN, ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

'CAUSE I WILL SELL OUT THE

BLACK MAN FOR A PIECE OF ASS,

I HATE TO SAY IT.

AND I KNOW IT'S WRONG, SIR.

BY THE WAY, DON'T LOOK AT ME

LIKE THAT SIR, DON'T LOOK AT ME,

I KNOW IT, DON'T BLAME ME.

BLAME THESE BITCHES SIR,

THE BITCHES, YOU KNOW HOW

THEY'RE NOT GIVING THE BOOTY

AWAY AND YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE

LADIES, YOU'RE VERY STINGY.

YOU'RE VERY STINGY.

'CAUSE IF COMES DOWN TO

CIVIL RIGHTS VS. ME GETTING

LAID, SOMEONE'S GOING TO THE

BACK OF THAT BUS THAT'S ALL

I GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

SOMEONE'S GOING STRAIGHT TO

THE BACK OF YE OLD BUS AND AH...

LOOK I DON'T MAKE THE RULES,

I JUST PLAY BY 'EM, PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE IT'S HARD,

IT'S HARD, YOU WOMEN MAKE IT

DIFFICULT AND GUYS, I MEET

A LOT OF GUYS FROM OUT OF TOWN

THEY ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW,

THEY THINK I KNOW ALL THE COOL

SPOTS.

THEY'RE LIKE "DAN, WHAT'S A

HOT BAR WE CAN GO TO, YOU KNOW

GET SOME ACTION?"

I'M LIKE, "OH, YOU WANT A BAR

WHERE YOU GONNA GET SOME ACTION?

ALL RIGHT, YOU GO TO THE END

OF THE BLOCK, RIGHT?

AND THEN YOU TURN GAY AND IT'S

RIGHT THERE, IT'S RIGHT THERE,

THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE GONNA GET

SOME ACTION 'CAUSE...

TO SAY OR HOMOPHOBIC THAT

GAY MEN ARE HAVING MORE SEX

THAN STRAIGHT MEN, IT JUST

MAKES SENSE, IT'S JUST TWO DUDES

DOING WHAT DUDES ENJOY DOING

WHICH IS BEING NASTY.

BUT, YOU, RIGHT?

YEAH, NOW, ME I DON'T GO

THAT WAY, I WISH I COULD GO

THAT WAY BUT ME, MY BUTT IS

EXIT ONLY.

JUST ME, I DON'T...

IT'S NOT A VALUE JUDGMENT,

IT'S JUST I'VE NEVER HAD

ANYTHING GO UP THERE,

THAT'S ALL.

WELL, WELL MAYBE WHEN I WAS

LITTLE A THERMOMETER OR TWO,

AND UH, ONE TIME A SOFTBALL,

YES, ONE TIME A SOFTBALL.

IT'S A LONG STORY BUT THE

GOOD NEWS IS I GOT INTO THE

FRATERNITY THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.

THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT YOU WOMEN HAVE IT SO EASY

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT 'CAUSE

WOMEN CAN GET LAID WHENEVER

THEY WANT.

AM I RIGHT LADIES?

AM I RIGHT LADIES?

AM I RIGHT, MISS?

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

I'LL DO YOU RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT NOW I'LL DO YOU,

RIGHT NOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE

GONNA GET TOP QUALITY.

I DIDN'T SAY YOU'RE GONNA GET

TOP QUALITY, YOU WEREN'T

LISTENING.

WHAT I SAID WAS "I'LL BE DONE

IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES, I CAN

MEET YOU BACKSTAGE",

THAT'S WHAT I SAID, THAT WAS

THE SUBTEXT ANYWAY.

SO LISTEN BETTER NEXT TIME.

IT'S GOING PRETTY GOOD.

MEDICAL SCHOOL AND I'M GLAD

I DIDN'T THOUGH BECAUSE THESE

DOCTORS I GOT A BIG PROBLEM

WITH DOCTORS.

I DO, I GOT A PROBLEM.

I DON'T THINK THEY KNOW WHAT

THEY ARE DOING AND PLUS THE FACT

THEY CHARGE TOO MUCH MONEY.

I WAS AT THE DOCTOR'S

A FEW MONTHS BACK, I HAD SOME

ANKLE PROBLEMS, SO I GO THERE,

HE DOESN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING,

HE JUST SENT ME TO ANOTHER

DOCTOR.

SO THEN I GOT A BILL FOR $500.

SO I CALL UP BLUE CROSS AND

THEY REFUSE TO PAY IT.

NOW, UH, GRANTED I'M NOT INSURED

WITH BLUE CROSS, THAT'S TRUE.

THAT IS TRUE BUT STILL I THINK

IT IS A LITTLE WEASELY OF THEM

TO WEASEL OUT LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT DOCTORS MAKE--

THEY ONLY GOOD THING YOU SAY

WELL BEING A DOCTOR IS COOL

'CAUSE YOU MAKE A LOT OF MONEY

SO THAT'S GOOD BUT THAT'S NOT

EVEN THE BEST PART.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK THEY BEST

PART OF BEING A DOCTOR IS?

WHEN YOU'RE A DOCTOR AND YOU

INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO SOMEBODY

YOU CAN SAY, HI, MY NAME IS

DOCTOR, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.

IN OTHER WORDS YOU CAN TELL

EVERYBODY WHAT YOUR CREDENTIALS

ARE UP-FRONT AND IT'S NOT

CONSIDERED BRAGGING BUT

NO ONE ELSE CAN DO THAT.

I CAN'T SAY "HI, I'M

EIGHT AND A HALF INCHES

NATURMAN, HOW ARE YOU?"

ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE THOSE ARE

MY CREDENTIALS.

I GOT TO SLIP THAT INTO

CONVERSATION CASUALLY WHICH IS

HARD TO DO 'CAUSE IT NEVER

COMES UP.

IT IS ALWAYS AWKWARD.

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE "OH, SPEAKING

OF THE STOCK MARKET,

EIGHT AND A HALF."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT KIND OF CAME OUT OF

NOWHERE.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT DOCTORS

DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE DOING

BUT I GOT PROOF NOW.

BECAUSE IF YOU HAVE BEEN

WATCHING TV LATELY YOU HAVE

CERTAINLY NOTICED THAT EVERY

OTHER COMMERCIAL ON TV IS ONE

OF THOSE PRESCRIPTION DRUG ADS,

RIGHT?

APPARENTLY WE'RE SUPPOSED

TO TELL OUR DOCTORS WHAT TO

PRESCRIBE FOR US.

LIKE THAT PREVACID COMMERCIAL,

THEY'RE LIKE "ASK YOUR DOCTOR

ABOUT PREVACID".

NOW SHOULDN'T YOUR DOCTOR KNOW

ABOUT PREVACID?

ISN'T THAT THE GUY'S JOB?

IT'S LIKE "THERE'S NOTHING

WE CAN DO FOR YOU."

"OH, WHAT ABOUT PREVACID?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

"HEY, YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT,

THAT'S A GOOD POINT, I HADN'T

THOUGHT OF THAT.

NOW HOW MANY MILLIGRAMS IS GOOD,

DID IT SAY IN THE COMMERCIAL?

'CAUSE I DIDN'T SEE THE

COMMERCIAL."

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