Thursday, March 6, 2014

  • 03/06/2014

Will Ferrell stops by to judge animal cuteness with Rob Huebel, Michaela Watkins and Doug Benson before the comedians take on bro pics and Groupon.

FROM TODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES,

IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I JUST WANT TO SAY

THANK YOU GUYS FOR SUPPORTING

@MIDNIGHT.

THE SHOW IS DOING VERY WELL, AND

THAT IS THANKS TO YOU GUYS.

WE APPRECIATE IT.

AND WHEN A NETWORK DOES REALLY

WELL...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

...AND WHEN A SHOW DOES REALLY

WELL, IT CAN LEAD TO A SPINOFF.

AND TONIGHT I AM VERY EXCITED TO

ANNOUNCE-- THIS IS BIG NEWS--

THAT @MIDNIGHT WILL NOW HAVE A

SPINOFF OF ITS OWN.

WE FEEL LIKE WE'VE BEEN KIND OF

OWNING LATE NIGHT, SO WE

DECIDED, WHY NOT BRANCH OFF INTO

DAYTIME?

SO THIS IS A DAYTIME SHOW THAT

WILL BE PREMIERING NEXT MONDAY

AT NOON ON THE OWN NETWORK

CALLED @MIDDAY.

AND I AM EXTREMELY PROUD TO

INTRODUCE ITS HOST, CHAD

SOFTWICK!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CHAD, HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD TO SEE YOU, CHAD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NICE TO SEE YOU.

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT @MIDDAY.

I MEAN, THE STAFF, WE'VE BEEN

TALKING ABOUT IT.

>> YES.

>> Chris: BUT JUST TO LET

EVERYONE KNOW, CAN YOU TELL US A

LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHAT WE CAN

EXPECT?

>> @MIDDA WILL BE A LOT LIKE

@MIDNIGHT, BUT WITH A TWIST.

WE DON'T WANT TO OFFEND ANYONE,

AND EVERYTHING WE DO WILL HAVE

AN INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGE.

>> Chris: OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

>> I LIKE THAT.

>> Chris: ON THAT NOTE, CAN I

SAY THAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN

HERE IS A HERO?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> JUST FOR GETTING OUT OF BED

AND TAKING THE DAY ON!

>> Chris: GOOD.

GOOD, THAT IS... THIS IS VERY...

I FEEL GOOD.

THIS IS VERY SWEET, CHAD.

WOULD YOU MIND GIVING US A

LITTLE PREVIEW GAME?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> I CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY THIS

GAME.

>> AND I LIKE HEARING THAT.

>> Chris: SAYS THE GUY WHO'S

NEVER UP AT MIDDAY.

>> THERE'S ALWAYS A FRESH START

FOR EVERYONE.

>> Chris: YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S

GOOD.

>> BEFORE THAT, THOUGH, I JUST

WANT TO SAY TO THE COMEDIANS, I

DON'T KNOW WHO ANY OF YOU ARE.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I CONSIDER YOU DEAR, DEAR

FRIENDS.

I LOVE YOU.

OKAY.

IT IS TIME FOR A GAME CALLED

CUTE OR TOO CUTE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A

PICTURE, AND THE COMEDIANS WILL

HAVE TO TELL ME IF THE PICTURE

IS CUTE OR TOO CUTE.

AND REMEMBER, THERE ARE NO WRONG

ANSWERS.

>> Chris: WELL, I DON'T... IF

THERE AREN'T ANY... I DON'T KNOW

IF THE GAME REALLY WORKS, THEN,

IF THERE'S NOT WRONG ANSWERS.

>> I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO

AGREE TO DISAGREE ABOUT THAT.

>> Chris: OKAY.

>> OKAY, HERE'S A PUP IN A CUP!

(LAUGHTER)

CUTE OR TOO CUTE?

>> Chris: I THINK THAT WAS DOUG.

>> TOO CUTE!

>> HOINTS!

HOINTS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT

IS... WHAT ARE HOINTS?

>> WE THOUGHT THE WORD POINTS

WAS A LITTLE NEGATIVE, BECAUSE

IT'S RUDE TO POINT AT PEOPLE.

SO WE CAME UP WITH HOINTS, WHICH

COMBINES THE WORD HUG WITH THE

WORD POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)

CHRIS, YOU DESERVE SOME HOINTS.

>> Chris: OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR MY HOINTS.

>> NEXT PICTURE.

HOW ABOUT A KITTEN IN THIS

LITTLE MITTEN?

>> Chris: ROB?

>> ACTUALLY, PASS.

I DON'T...

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, MICHAELA?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH TOO

CUTE.

TOO... BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

>> HOINTS!

>> CHRIS: HOINTS FOR MICHAELA.

>> HOINTS.

NEXT PICTURE, HOW ABOUT SEVEN

PUPPIES ON A PINK BRIDGE?

>> Chris: DOUG?

>> CUTE.

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY THE

OPPOSITE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

HOINTS!

AND THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME.

EVERYONE GETS AN EXTRA 1,000

HOINTS, AND THREE HUGS EACH!

>> OH, GOOD!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WONDERFUL.

GO ON.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HUG EACH OTHER.

GO AHEAD.

>> YES!

>> Chris: OH, THAT'S NICE.

I MEAN, LOOK.

THIS IS FUN.

THE SHOW LOOKS GREAT.

I'M EXCITED ABOUT IT.

IT IS... IT'S INTERESTING.

IT'S A DIFFERENT TAKE ON THIS.

I'M NOT QUITE SURE IT'S FOR OUR

AUDIENCE.

>> OH, IT'S FOR EVERYONE, YEAH.

>> Chris: WELL, NO.

I'M JUST SAYING I THINK... YOU

KNOW, I THINK OUR AUDIENCE HAS A

LITTLE BIT MORE OF AN EDGE TO

IT.

>> HOW DARE YOU?

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL SHOW YOU AN EDGE-- OF MY

BELT!

I'M GOING TO WHOOP YOU, BOY!

>> Chris: OH, I'M SORRY.

>> THAT'S HOW I REALLY TALK!

>> Chris: THAT'S FRIGHTENING.

>> BECAUSE I WORKED TOO GODDAMN

HARD ON THIS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

WORKING FOR OWN, THE OWN

NETWORK?

>> Chris: NO.

>> OPRAH'S ONE TOUGH SON OF A

BITCH, OKAY?

JUST GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

>> WON'T LET SOME NERD HIPSTER

TELL ME WHAT'S WHAT.

I FOUGHT IN 'NAM.

>> Chris: YOU LOOK WAY TOO

YOUNG.

>> I WAS, I WAS WAY TOO YOUNG.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS 11.

>> Chris: THAT'S NOT CUTE.

>> FIFTH GRADE.

SAW SOME (BLEEP) THERE I

WOULDN'T WISH ON MY GREATEST

ENEMY.

ANYWAY, CHECK OUT @MIDDAY,

MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY AT NOON ON

THE OWN NETWORK.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

>> AND NOW A WORD FROM YOUR

SPONSORS.

>> Chris: WELL, WE DON'T DO THAT

PART NOW.

>> OKAY, WELL, WHATEVER.

>> Chris: OH, OKAY.

>> I'M OUT OF HERE.

>> Chris: THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: CHAD SOFTWICK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> 300: RISE OF AN EMPIR HIT

THEATERS THIS WEEKEND, AND IT

LOOKS LIKE IT'S CHOCK FULL OF

ALL THE SLO-MO EROTIC

SHIRTLESS FUN OF THE FIRST

MOVIE.

WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS EROTIC HISTORY,

EROTIC HISTORY.

EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BE BOSTON

KEY PARTY, OR JOHN DTF KENNEDY.

OR THE TROJAN HORSE, RIBBED FOR

HER PLEASURE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK STARTING NOW.

AND GO.

DOUG BENSON?

>> WORLD WAR II GIRLS ONE CUP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

ROB HUEBEL?

>> ONE SMALL STEP ON MY BALLS

FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP ON MY

BALLS FOR MANKIND.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHAELA?

>> MONEY SHOT HEARD AROUND THE

WORLD.

>> Chris: POINTS!

ROB?

>> TIANA-MAN-ON-MAN SQUARE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ARE THEY FORMING A

SQUARE?

>> YES.

>> Chris: THEN DEFINITELY

POINTS.

>> YES.

>> Chris: DOUG BENSON?

>> BAY OF SQUEAL LIKE A PIG.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHAELA?

>> THE BRITISH ARE COMING ON MY

NICE CURTAINS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

(LAUGHTER)

WAIT A MINUTE!

NOT THE NICE CURTAINS!

>> THE NICE ONES.

>> Chris: DAMN YOU, BRITISH!

POINTS.

THAT IS THE END OF TONIGHT'S

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU BROS SOME

BROSEPHS THAT ARE SO BRO'D OUT

FROM BROPICS FROM BROSTAGRAM...

(LAUGHTER)

...THAT THEY USED THE HASHTAG

#FRATLIFE.

YOU HAVE TO BUZZ IN WITH A MORE

APPROPRIATE HASHTAG, AND I'LL

GIVE YOU 250 POINTS.

LET US START WITH THESE

SHIRTLESS DUDES JUST BRO-ING

OUT.

YES, ROB HUEBEL?

>> HASHTAG ORANGE IS THE NEW

WACK.

>> Chris: POINTS!

>> HASHTAG I JUST DRANK HIS PEE.

>> Chris: POINTS, MICHAELA

WATKINS.

THAT'S WHY HE'S DOING THE...

>> THEY ARE DRINKING PEE.

>> HASHTAG JUST MARRIED!

>> Chris: HEY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ON THEIR HONEYMOON.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT, THIS UNLIKELY

THREESOME.

WHAT IS...

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: HE'S DOING YOGA.

YEAH, ROB?

>> HASHTAG ASIAN GUYS ARE

HILARIOUS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, I DON'T KNOW.

NO POINTS FROM THE CROWD,

REALLY.

>> OH.

OH, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL ASIAN.

LOOK AT THEM!

(LAUGHTER)

OF COURSE!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS TO

ROB HUEBEL FOR ATTACKING THE

AUDIENCE FOR BEING ASIAN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, THAT IS THE

UNBOXING DAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> I'M SURE YOU GUYS KNOW THIS,

BUT UNBOXING VIDEOS ARE VIDEOS

WHERE PEOPLE FILM THEMSELVES

OPENING UP ITEMS THEY'VE JUST

PURCHASED ONLINE, WHICH IS

REALLY FUN.

YOU GET TO SMELL THE NEWNESS OF

THE ITEM RIGHT AS IT'S

HAPPENING, AND EXPERIENCE IT,

AND SAVE IT ON VIDEO FOREVER.

SO WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU THE

START OF ONE OF THESE VIDEOS,

AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHAT KIND

OF PRODUCT IS BEING UNBOXED, ALL

RIGHT?

LET'S START.

THESE TWO FELLOWS HANGING ON THE

COUCH JUST UNBOXING STUFF.

>> WHY THE (BLEEP) DO YOU THINK

I HAVE A KNIFE HERE?

>> UM... I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO

CUT SOMETHING OPEN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: MAYBE HE'S GOING TO

UNBOX THAT GUY'S HEART.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT ARE THEY UNBOXING WWE

WRESTLEMANIA 30 SERIES FIGURES,

OR A LIVE SNAKE?

ROB?

>> I HOPE IT'S A LIVE SNAKE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> RIGHT RIGHT HERE I HAVE THE

WRESTLE MANIA XXX, OR SHOULD I

SAY... WOW.

>> Chris: SORRY, ROB, NO POINTS

FOR UNBOXED THAT TIME.

>> WHAT IS... I HATE THOSE GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> HE TOOK A THING OUT OF A BOX

THAT HE'S NEVER GOING TO TAKE

OUT OF A BOX.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: 100 POINTS TO DOUG

BENSON.

I THINK WITH THAT, THAT GUY'S

NEVER GOING TO GO INTO A BOX

EITHER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> HOW ABOUT THIS?

ANOTHER KNIFE WIELDING GUY.

>> SO THIS IS THE BIG BOX.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IS HE UNBOXING A FURRY

SUIT, OR A SEX IN THE CITY SEX

DOLL?

CAN I SAY THAT EITHER WAY, WE

WIN?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CAN I SAY, WHAT IS THE

DIFFERENCE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU

100 POINTS FOR THAT, ROB HUEBEL.

DOUG BENSON BUZZED IN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS, DOUG?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH... I

DON'T THINK YOU OPEN UP A SEX

DOLL WITH A KNIFE.

UNLESS IT DOESN'T COME FINISHED.

(LAUGHTER)

SO... POINTS, POINTS.

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> POINTS.

>> Chris: YOU WANT POINTS FOR

THAT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> UNLESS IT'S MIRANDA AND,

LIKE, HE KIND OF HATES MIRANDA.

>> YEAH, WHO DOESN'T KIND OF

HATE MIRANDA?

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, DOUG, I

WILL BEGRUDGINGLY GIVE YOU 100

POINTS FOR YOUR, "THE GUY IS

GOING TO CUT HOLES IN THE SEX

DOLL."

>> I'LL PROBABLY GET THE ANSWER

WRONG.

I'M GOING SAY FURRY SUIT.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIND

OUT.

>> OH, IT'S SO SOFT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> WHO'S THE DJ IN THAT LIVING

ROOM?

(LAUGHTER)

>> I LOVE THAT IT GOES WITH HIS

CARPET, SO HE CAN JUST SURPRISE

SOMEONE WHEN THEY COME HOME.

>> "I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE

TIME!"

>> Chris: WHAT THE (BLEEP)

HAPPENED?

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

>> I WAS HERE.

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> THE WHOLE TIME.

>> Chris: I DIDN'T SEE YOU!

YOU'RE DISAPPEARING INTO THE

FLOORSCAPE!

GROUPONS.

NOW, YOU CAN GET GROUPONS FOR

ALMOST ANYTHING, FROM DINNER AT

A FIVE-STAR RESTAURANT TO

DISCOUNT BOTOX AND LIPOSUCTION.

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO COME UP WITH GROUPONS MORE

RIDICULOUS THAN THE REAL ONES

THAT THE WEB SITE OFFERS.

AND FOR EACH FUNNY GROUPON, YOU

WILL GET 250 POINTS.

LET US PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND GO!

DOUG?

>> 50 PERCENT OFF BIKINI WAX AT

SUPERCUTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHAELA?

>> 40 PERCENT OFF THE CHEESECAKE

FACTORY.

NOT THE RESTAURANT-- THE ACTUAL

FACTORY.

AND ALSO HELP, WE'RE SEVEN YEARS

OLD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

DOUG?

>> YOU AND A FRIEND HANG OUT

WITH DOUG BENSON NEAR A

DUMPSTER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT

THAN AFTER EVERY SHOW YOU DO?

(LAUGHTER)

POINTS.

ROB HUEBEL?

>> BUY ONE ROLLERBLADE, WE'LL

GIVE YOU THE SECOND ONE IF WE

CAN FIND IT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHAELA?

>> TEN PERCENT OFF YOUR

COLLECTIVE (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: PLEASE TELL ME THAT I

HEARD YOU CORRECTLY AND YOU SAID

COLLECTIVE (BLEEP).

>> MAYBE.

>> Chris: POINTS!

ROB HUEBEL?

>> TWO FOR ONE SLEEPOVER AT

TODD'S HOUSE.

>> Chris: WHO'S TODD?

>> IT DOESN'T MATTER.

ANY TODD.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

POINTS.

DOUG?

>> YOU AND A FRIEND HANG OUT

WITH ROB HUEBEL WHILE HE TALKS

ABOUT THE TIME HE HUNG OUT WITH

GEORGE CLOONEY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

IS THIS TRUE?

IS THIS A REAL GROUPON?

>> YEAH.

AND I HAVE GOTTEN ZERO TAKERS SO

FAR.

>> Chris: WHAT?

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