Noah Gardenswartz

  • Season 5, Ep 1
  • 08/26/2016

Noah Gardenswartz talks about a recent jewelry-based life change, explains why he likes drugs and gambling, and discusses the challenges of being a teacher.

I tried aci last year for thefirst time

(scattered whooping)


I've about eight minutesleft up here,

and then I'll talkto all of you.


But I'd always heard acidwas a good drug

to do outdoors in nature.

I live in New York City.

Not a lot of places to go.

So I ate the acid,and I went to Central Park.

And I found the big lakein the middle of Central Park.

I found a nice little rockby the side of the lake.

And I was just sitting there,minding my business,

watching the ducksfloat on the water.

About ten minutes go by,I turn to my right,

and there's a young little girlsitting next to me on the rock.

And she looks up at meand she goes,

"Hey, mister,you want to hear a riddle?"

And I was like,"Absolutely.

"I've never wantedto hear a riddle

"so badly before in my life.

What you got, kid?"

And she goes,"What's the beginning of end,

"the end of time,

and the beginning and endof everywhere?"

And I was like, "Whoa..."

Like, does she knowI'm on acid right now?

I'm expecting how much woodwould a woodchuck chuck

if a woodchuckcould chuck wood?

She's coming at meabout space and time.

Wasn't ready for it,so I asked her to repeat it.

She said,"What's the beginning of end,

the end of time, beginningand end of everywhere?"

Does anyone know?WOMAN:E!

The letter E.

Some shit she read on the backof a Laffy Taffy wrapper

almost altered my existence.


The point is, though,if you're ever in the park,

and you see a grown man

intensely talkingto a young girl,

don't assume the worst, okay?

He could just be on acid.

I ate the acid

as an artist, hoping for somekind of creative epiphany.

The next day,I checked the notepad

that I brought with meto the park.

The only thingI had written down was:

"Can ducks evertruly enjoy a Saturday,

or are they alwaysjust trying to survive?"


guess it waspretty good acid.

I actually do find itamusing, though,

when people usea completely wrong word

and have no idea they're usingthe wrong word.

Like, just with full confidence.

Like, I've dated a lot ofblack women in my life.

And one time one of my friendscame up to me and was like,

"Man, you like your girlswith extra melatonin."



I was like,"I think you mean melanin.

I like 'em dark, not sleepy."

I will say, I do supportinterracial dating.

I live in a very diverseneighborhood in Brooklyn.

And several weeks ago

I saw an interracial couplehaving a horrible breakup

right inthe middle of the street.

Just saying theworst things to each other.

And that made me realize

interracial relationshipsare interesting

because they start as the leastracist thing you can do...

...but end as the reason why

you're the most racistyou could possibly become.

Because there's ignorant racism,

and there's heartbroken racism.

And heartbroken racismis way more vitriolic, okay?

Ignorant racism is like,

"All Mexicans are lazy."

Heartbroken racism is like,

"All Mexicans (bleep) thebartender from TGI Friday's."