Must CC: The Half Hour 2014

[upbeat music]

- HOUSE LIGHTS GO.- COPY THAT.

- TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT.

♪

- STAGE IS READY.

- WHAT'S GOING ON, BOSTON?

♪

- WELCOME TO COMEDY CENTRAL'S THE HALF HOUR.

♪

- I HAD TO EXPLAIN iTUNESTO MY MOM ON THE PHONE RECENTLY,

AND THAT MAY BE THE LAST PHONECALL WE EVER HAVE TOGETHER.

SHE--SHE WANTED iTUNES.

I SAID, "IT'S EASY.JUST GO ONLINE.

"FIND iTUNES.DOWNLOAD IT.

"CREATE A USERNAMEAND A PASSWORD,

AND YOU HAVE iTUNES."

AND SHE SAID,"ARE THERE SPACES IN THAT?"

SHE ASKED IF THERE WERE SPACESIN A SENTENCE I SAID OUT LOUD

TO HER BECAUSE SHEWAS TYPING IT ALL

INTO THE BROWSER BARAS I SPOKE.

JUST"WWW.GO-ONLINE-FIND-ITUNES-

DOWNLOAD-IT-CREATE-A-USERNAME-AND-A-PASSWORD"

AND WAS GONNA HIT ".COM,"

AND JUST FLING ALL OF THATINTO THE INTERNET.

JUST THERE'SALL THE INFORMATION.

BRING ME iTUNES BY TOMORROW.

THEN SHE HANGS A LANTERNON HER DOOR.

AT ONE POINT,SHE ASKED THE QUESTION,

"IS THERE INTERNETON iTUNES?"

"WELL, I'M GONNAHANG UP NOW, MOM.

I'LL CALL YOUON YOUR BIRTHDAY."

I SAID, "NO, THERE'SNOT INTERNET ON iTUNES."

AND SHE SAID, "SO SHOULD ICANCEL MY INTERNET?"

THAT'S ACTUALLYTHE BEST IDEA YOU'VE EVER HAD.

YOU SHOULD CANCELYOUR INTERNET,

THEN THROW YOUR COMPUTEROUT OF A WINDOW,

AND BEAT IT WITH A STICK.

I WOULD RATHER PAY A BANDTO PLAY FOR MY MOM

EVERY NIGHT OF HER LIFETHAN TO EXPLAIN iTUNES

TO THIS WOMAN ONE MORE TIME.

- NOW, YOU KNOW, WITH THAT,I CAN'T HIDE IT, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S NOTHINGI COULD EVER DO.

IT GETS, LIKE, BAD.

WE DON'T PRONOUNCE THE "R"s,YOU KNOW?

THAT'S WHAT I'VE NOTICED.IT'S NOT "NEW YORK."

IT'S "NEW YOK."SKIP THE "R" ALWAYS.

BUT MY DAD NOW--LIKE I SAID,HE'S GETTING OLDER--

HE'S ADDING "R"s INTO WORDSTHAT DON'T NEED "R"s.

THERE'S NO "R" BALANCEIN THIS GUY'S LIFE AT ALL.

HE NEVER FIGURED OUT.FIRST IT WAS NO "R"s.

NOW IT'S TOO MANY "R"s.

LIKE, HE GOES TO THE DOCTORTHE OTHER DAY.

I WAS LIKE, "HOW WAS IT?"HE WAS LIKE, "HOW WAS IT?

"TOLD ME I GOTFULL-BLOWN DIABETRESE.

"I SAID, 'DOC, SCIENTRIFICLY,WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

'YOU NEED ME TO GETON GROOGLE?

'I KNOW GROOGLE.

'GROOGLE.CROM.WHAT AM I, DUMB?

I KNOW GROOGLE.CROM.'"

AND HE ALWAYS HAS THE WRONG WORDFOR WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

LIKE, IT'S CLOSE.IT'S CLOSE.

BUT IT'S 100% THE WRONG WORD

THAT MEANS SOMETHINGTOTALLY DIFFERENT.

"YEAH, THE DOC SAIDTHE CARTRIDGE IN MY KNEE,

"IT'S NO GOOD.

YOU KNOW THE CARTRIDGEIN YOUR KNEE?"

"YOU MEAN CARTILAGE?

"WHAT, YOU NEEDA FREAKING PRINTER?

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DOES YOUR KNEE INK?"

"IT'S A CARTRIDGE.IT'S IN THE KNEE.

"IT'S GONNA GET STAPLES.IT'S NO GOOD.

"IT DON'T PRINT.THE KNEE DON'T PRINT.

"DOC SAID I GOT TO GETON THAT EUCALYPTUS MACHINE.

YOU EVER DO EUCALYPTUS?"

"YOU MEAN ELLIPTICAL?

"WHAT, ARE YOU WORKINGWITH KOALA BEARS?

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IS THIS AUSTRALIA?"

"ROTARY CUFF TOO,IN THE SHOULDER.

"THE ROTARY CUFF, IT CLICKS.

IT'S IN THE SHOULDER?"

"WHAT, IS YOUR SHOULDERA PHONE FROM 1968?

IT'S ROTATOR."

YOU GUYS JUST LEARNED THAT TOO.HOLY [bleep].

OKAY.THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED THERE.

- I DON'T LIKE THE COLDAT ALL.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

LIKE, I'M SO TOUGH,I DON'T LIKE WINTER AT ALL.

IT'S TOO ROUGH.

I'M A SUMMERTIME BOY.

I LOVE THE SUMMER.

IT'S MY FAVORITE TIMETO JUST RELAX,

SMOKE A LITTLE POT.

THAT'S MY SUMMER THING.

IT'S ALSO MY WINTER THING.

AND IT'S CREEPING IN ON FALL.

IT'S FUN.YOU GUYS ARE REAL FUN.

I LIKE HANGING OUTWITH YOU GUYS.

I'D RATHER BE HANGING OUTWITH MY SON RIGHT NOW

'CAUSE HE'S COOLERTHAN ALL OF YOU.

I'M JUST PRETTY SUREABOUT THAT.

HE'S REAL HANDSOME.

HE'S GOT A NICE VIBEABOUT HIM.

HE'S JUST REAL CHILL.

LIKE, HE COULD BE GETTINGSO MUCH [bleep]

IF HE WASN'T TEN YEARS OLD.

BUT THAT'S THE ONLY THINGHOLDING HIM BACK.

WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT CITIES,

WHICH CAN MAKE THE RELATIONSHIPA LITTLE STRAINED.

IT CAN MAKE DISCIPLINEDIFFICULT.

I JUST GET A LOT OF WEIRDPHONE CALLS FROM HIS MOM

WHERE I HAVE TO BE LIKE,

"WELL, WHAT DID HE DO THIS TIME?

[giggles]

"HE PUT HIS TESTICLESON THE BACK OF YOUR NECK?

WELL, LIKE FATHER,LIKE SON, I GUESS."

- I LOVE THE GAYS.

I'M A BIG FAN.GAY GUYS ARE THE BEST.

THEY'RE NOTHING BUT PERKS,YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE NONVIOLENT,THEY FIX UP NEIGHBORHOODS,

AND THEY'RE GENERALLYSMART PEOPLE.

YOU NEVER REALLY MEETAN IGNORANT GAY GUY.

LIKE, YOU NEVER MEETA GAY GUY WHO'S LIKE, "[spits]

I ONLY LOVE THREE THINGS:MY TRUCK, MY GUN, AND DICK."

YOU NEVER HEAR THAT,YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I HAD A GUYSAY TO ME ONCE,

"HEY, MARK,YOU LIKE GAYS SO MUCH,

BUT WHAT IF YOU HADA GAY SON?"

I WOULDN'T MIND HAVINGA GAY SON.

HAVING A GAY SON'SLIKE FINDING A FRENCH FRY

IN YOUR ONION RINGS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LIKE,"WELL, IT'S NOT WHAT I EXPECTED,

BUT I LIKE THESE TOO."

I DON'T GET THE WHOLEHOMOPHOBIA THING.

THAT'S A WEIRD ONE.ANY HOMOPHOBES HERE?

I, UM--I DID SOME SHOWSIN THE SOUTH RECENTLY.

I WAS TALKING TO THIS GUYAFTER THE SHOW.

I TOLD HIM I HAD A FRIENDOF MINE WHO'S GAY.

THIS GUY GOES,"YOU HAVE A GAY FRIEND?

I WOULDN'T EVENSHAKE A GAY MAN'S HAND."

I WAS LIKE, "JESUS CHRIST,WHY NOT?"

HE GOES, "YOU KNOW HOW MANYDICKS WERE ON THAT HAND?"

I WAS LIKE,"WELL, YOU SHOOK MY HAND.

"YOU OKAY WITH MY [bleep]?

"'CAUSE THERE'S A LOTOF INTERACTION

BETWEEN THE TWO, ALL RIGHT?"

YEAH.WOW, THAT IS TERRIBLE LOGIC.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE TOUCHESA LOT OF [bleep]?

WOMEN.

YEAH, MAN.THEY PUT THEM ALL OVER.

YOU'RE SCREWED.

- MY FAVORITE PLAYER GROWING UPWAS DIKEMBE MUTOMBO.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHO THAT IS?

YEAH, YEAH.YEAH, HE DID THE FINGER WAG.

THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH.

EVERY TIME HE BLOCKED A SHOT,HE'D WAVE HIS FINGER

IN THE OPPONENT'S FACE.

IT WAS REALLY COOLWHEN HE DID IT.

I REALIZE IT'S WEIRDLYEFFEMINATE WHEN I DO IT.

MM-MM-MM-MM!

IT'S NOT NEARLY AS COOLWHEN I DO IT.

IF YOU KNOW NOTHINGABOUT BASKETBALL THOUGH,

DIKEMBE MUTOMBOIS MY FAVORITE PLAYER

BASED ON NAME ALONE, OKAY?

HIS FULL NAME ISDIKEMBE MUTOMBO MPOLONDO MUKAMBA

JEAN-JACQUES WAMUTOMBO.

THAT'S HIS FULL NAME.

SURE, IT'S FUNNY'CAUSE IT'S DIFFERENT.

AND HE'S GOT--HE'S GOT TWO SONS.

HE NAMED HIS FIRST SON

DIKEMBE MUTOMBO MPOLONDO MUKAMBAJEAN-JACQUES MUTOMBO JR.

ALL RIGHT?

AND I'LL TRY TO PRONOUNCEHIS SECOND SON'S NAME

FOR YOUAND NOT STUMBLE OVER IT.

AHEM.

RYAN.

I FEEL LIKEHE'S PLAYING FAVORITES.

FAMILY NAME IS SKEWEDWAY OVER TO THE FIRST KID.

I FEEL SORRY FOR RYAN.

YOU KNOW RYAN GETS STUCK

DOING ALL THE CHORESIN THAT HOUSE.

IN THAT HOUSE THERE'S A LOT OF,

"I NEED SOMEONE TO MOW THE LAWN.

"DIKEMBE MUTOMBO--[bleep] IT.

RYAN!"

- I JUST WENT HOMETO VISIT MY PARENTS.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODYFEELS LIKE THIS,

BUT WHEN I GO HOME,I'M OKAY FOR MAYBE SIX MINUTES,

AND THEN I JUST FEELWEIRDLY FURIOUS.

[cheers and applause]

AND THEN I FEEL GUILTYABOUT THE WILD LEVEL

OF HOSTILITY THAT I'M FEELING.

I WAS TALKING TO MY FRIENDABOUT THIS.

I'M LIKE, "DO YOU EVER GETLIKE THAT WHEN YOU GO HOME?"

AND HE GOES, "OH, YEAH."HE GOES,

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED?

"I REALIZED IF MY MOMWASN'T MY MOM,

I DON'T EVEN THINKI'D BE FRIENDS WITH HER."

RIGHT?

I'M LIKE, "REALLY?THAT WAS YOUR BIG REALIZATION?"

I'M LIKE, "OBVIOUSLY.THAT'D BE VERY WEIRD

"IF YOU JUST HADTHIS INTENSE RELATIONSHIP

WITH SOME MIDDLE-AGEDDIABETIC WOMAN IN PENNSYLVANIA."

YOU WOULD JUST GO FLYAND SEE HER

ON THE WEEKEND SOMETIMES.

AND SHE WOULD BOTHER YOUABOUT GETTING HEALTH INSURANCE.

AND YOU'D BE LIKE, "WELL, UH,THIS WAS GREAT, SHARON.

"UM, LET'S DO IT AGAININ ABOUT FIVE MONTHS.

"THAT'S WHATI'M COMFORTABLE WITH.

"AND NEXT TIMEWHEN YOU'RE FEEDING ME

"AND I'VE TOLD YOU REPEATEDLYTHAT I'M FULL,

I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO STARTRESPECTING THAT, SHARON."

- I USED TO LIVEIN NEW YORK CITY,

AND WHEN I LIVED THERE,I WOULD GO TO DOG PARKS A LOT.

NOT BECAUSE I HAD A DOG,BUT BECAUSE I LOVED

TO CREEPILY STAREAT OTHER PEOPLE'S DOGS.

AND ONE DAY,I WAS AT THE DOG PARK

AND I SAW THIS ONE DOG.

HE WAS, UM--HE WAS MAKING LOVETO THIS OTHER DOG.

AND THE WOMAN WHO OWNED THE DOGDOING THE HUMPING

JUST WENT, "OH, NO, NO, NO.THAT'S A BAD IDEA."

AND SHE JUST REACHED DOWNAND GRABBED HIM BY HIS HARNESS

AND LIFTED HIM OFF MID-HUMP.

AND THEN HE JUST CONTINUEDTO HUMP MID-AIR.

AND THEN SHE PUT HIM DOWN.

HE KIND OF HUMP-WALKED AWAY.

AND I WAS LIKE,"THAT'S AMAZING!"

BUT I WISH I HAD HAD THAT

IN MY LIFE WHEN I WAS SINGLE.

JUST, LIKE, A GIANT HAND THATWOULD REACH DOWN FROM THE SKY

AND INTERCEDE WHEN I WASMAKING BAD CHOICES IN MY LIFE.

JUST LIKE, "OH, NO, NO, NO.THAT'S A BAD IDEA.

SHE'S INCREDIBLYEMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE."

AWW.[groans]

"OH, NO, NO, NO.

HER MAROON 5 T-SHIRTIS NOT IRONIC."

- I DIDN'T GROW UPWITH MUCH RELIGION.

I DIDN'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT IT.

AND THE FIRST GIRLI EVER DATED GOES,

"WHAT'S YOUR DENOMINATION?"

AND I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT THAT WORD MEANT.

SO I WAS LIKE, "DEMOCRAT?"

SHE GOES, "NO.WHAT WERE YOU BAPTIZED AS?"

AND I TOLD HERI DIDN'T THINK I WAS.

AND SHE WENT, "OH."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?I'LL GET BAPTIZED FOR YOU, GIRL.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?

"AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH.

YOU WANT ME TO GET DIPPED?I'LL GET DIPPED."

I'LL NEVER FORGETWHAT SHE SAID.

SHE GOES, "IF YOU DON'TGET BAPTIZED,

"YOU CAN STILL GO TO HEAVEN,BUT YOU WON'T

GET TO SEE GOD'S EYES."

AND I JUST REMEMBERBEING LIKE,

"OH, ARE HIS EYES COOL?"

I MEAN, I'M JUST HAPPYTO BE IN HEAVEN.

AND SHE DUMPED MEFOR SOME CHRISTIAN GUY

THAT PLAYS DAVE MATTHEWS SONGSON GUITAR.

I WAS LIKE,"I GOT TO GET DUNKED

AND LEARN SATELLITE, ASAP."

I USED TO DAYDREAMABOUT MEETING GOD,

BUT HIS EYESWOULD BE BLURRED OUT.

"WELCOME TO HEAVEN, JOE.

AREN'T YOU SADYOU CAN'T SEE MY SWEET EYES?"

"WHY ARE YOUR EYESCENSORED, GOD?

ARE--ARE YOUR EYES NIPPLES?"

- YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN YOU GOTO LUNCH OR DINNER NOW,

FIRST THING PEOPLE DO IS TAKEOUT THEIR PHONE AND PUT IT

ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF YOULIKE IT'S A REVOLVER

IN THE OLD WILD WEST?

"THAT'S A THREAT TO YOU.

"YOU GOT TEN SECONDSTO SAY SOMETHING INTERESTING.

I'M GONNA SHOOTYOU IN THE FACE, PARTNER."

AS YOUR STORY SLOWS DOWN,THEY JUST START REACHING FOR IT.

IT'S AMAZING, BECAUSE OF PHONES,WE'VE CURED BOREDOM.

THERE'S NO SUCH THINGAS BOREDOM.

A WHOLE HUMAN EMOTIONTHAT USED TO EXIST

DOESN'T EXIST ANYMOREBECAUSE OF PHONES.

WE DON'T LET BOREDOM SET INFOR ONE SECOND ANYMORE.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIMEYOU WERE BORED FOR ONE SECOND?

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, NO.[bleep] THAT.

CANDY CRUSH OR SOMETHING."

IF YOU'RE SICKOF CANDY CRUSH, YOU'RE LIKE,

"LET ME FIND OUT WHEREEVERY SEXUAL PREDATOR IS

WITHIN 20 FEET."

THERE'S A LOT OF OPTIONS.

THERE'S NO SUCH THINGAS BOREDOM.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER BOREDOM?

REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY?

THERE WAS JUST NOTHING TO DO?

REMEMBER WHEN YOUUSED TO HAVE TO GO?

BACK IN THE DAY, WHEN YOU WANTEDTO TAKE A [bleep],

ALL YOU COULD DOWAS STARE AT A WALL.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

I DARE YOU TO TAKE A [bleep]WITHOUT YOUR iPHONE.

TRY IT.

YOU WILL HAVE A PANIC ATTACKON THE TOILET BOWL.

"WHAT, AM I JUST SUPPOSEDTO STARE AT A SHOWER CURTAIN?

THIS IS BULL[bleep]."

REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY,YOU WOULD GO TO THE BATHROOM,

JUST GO TO THE BATHROOMTEN MINUTES TOPS?

YOU WOULDN'T HANG OUTIN THERE.

YOU EVER IN THE BATHROOMSO LONG YOU LOSE TIME?

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, [bleep].IT'S WEDNESDAY.

I'VE BEEN IN HERE..."

- ANY FOODIES IN THE BUILDING?[cheering]

A COUPLE OF Y'ALL FOODIES?YEAH?

"FOODIE," YOU KNOWTHAT'S JUST A EUPHEMISM

FOR DOING FAT PEOPLE [bleep].

YOU--YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?THAT'S--YOU KNOW.

THERE'S A LOT OF GLUTTONYTHAT GETS DISMISSED

UNDER THAT UMBRELLA OF FOODIE.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE CALLING IT"FAT PEOPLE [bleep]"

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU 'CAUSEI FEEL LIKE FAT PEOPLE

GOT WAY MORE DIGNITY THANYOUR AVERAGE FOODIE, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, FAT PEOPLE DON'T NEEDTO TAKE A PICTURE

OF EVERY PLATE OF WINGSTHAT COMES ACROSS THEY PATH.

YOU KNOW?

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

LIKE, IF YOU STAND IN LINEFOR OVER AN HOUR

FOR ANY TYPE OF PASTRY,

THAT'S FAT PEOPLE [bleep],YOU KNOW?

IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS.

IF YOU WATCH MAN V. FOODAND YOU GET UPSET

WHEN HE CAN'T COMPLETETHE CHALLENGE,

THAT'S FAT PEOPLE [bleep].

YOU LOOKING AT THE TV LIKE,"COME ON, FAM!

"IT'S 16 MILKSHAKES!

THAT'S LIQUID!THIS IS BULL[bleep]!"

IF YOU KNOWWHAT INSTAGRAM FILTER

BEST FLATTERS THE BUTTERON YOUR PANCAKES,

THAT'S FAT PEOPLE [bleep].YOU NEED TO TAKE IT EASY.

- PEOPLE ARE NOT ALWAYS NICE.

THAT'S A LESSON WE LEARN MANYTIMES THROUGHOUT OUR LIVES.

I LEARNED THAT RECENTLYWHEN A GUY ON THE INTERNET SAID

THAT I LOOK LIKEDREW CAREY WITH AIDS.

THAT'S A THING I READABOUT MYSELF.

THAT MEANS THIS GUY SAW ME,AND HE THOUGHT THAT,

AND HE TOOK THE TIMETO TYPE THAT INTO A COMMENT BOX,

AND THEN HIS MOUSE HOVEREDOVER THE "SEND" BUTTON,

AND HE WAS LIKE, "SHOULD I?

YEAH, HE NEEDS TO KNOW."

AND HE SENT IT AND I FOUND ITAND IT HURT.

IT DID, IT HURT.

AND THAT WAS THE WEIRD PARTTO ME THOUGH

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE,"I HAVE A PRETTY THICK SKIN

"AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.

"I MEAN, PEOPLE HAVE SAIDMEAN THINGS ABOUT ME BEFORE.

WHY IS THIS ONEGETTING TO ME?"

AND I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,AND I WAS LIKE,

"IT'S NOT LIKE DREW CAREYIS KNOWN

"FOR BEING A WELL-PUT-TOGETHERGUY WITHOUT AIDS.

"IT'S NOT LIKE AIDS IS KNOWNFOR ITS REJUVENATING EFFECTS.

SO WHAT EXACTLYDO I LOOK LIKE?"

AND I TALKED ABOUT THISAT A CLUB IN NEW YORK.

AND IN THE BARAFTER THE SHOW,

A GUY CAME UP TO MEAND HE WAS LIKE,

"HEY, MAN, YOU SHOULD LOSETHAT ONE JOKE.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKEDREW CAREY WITH AIDS."

AND I SAID,"THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

AND HE SAID,"YEAH, YOU SHOULD SWITCH IT

TO MACKLEMOREWITH DOWN SYNDROME."

- MY NAME IS FORTUNE.EVERYBODY LOOKS AT ME

REALLY FUNNYWHEN I TELL THEM MY NAME.

THEY'RE LIKE,"WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

'PRECIOUS'?"

NO!

OR I'LL GET LIKE "TREASURE"OR "GRACIOUS,"

ANYTHING YOU COULD ASSOCIATEWITH A UNICORN OR A STRIPPER.

DO WE HAVE ANY STRIPPERSIN HERE?

- WOO-HOO!- ARE YOU REALLY?

[laughs]YEAH!

I MEAN, THIS IS KIND OFA BIG NIGHT FOR STRIPPERS,

SO IF YOU'RE A STRIPPERAND YOU'RE HERE,

YOU'RE PROBABLY NOTA GREAT ONE.

YEAH, I DON'T HAVE THE BODYOF A STRIPPER.

I WOULD BE, LIKE,A TUESDAY NIGHT STRIPPER.

"I'M A TUESDAY NIGHT STRIPPER.

I'M WORKING MY WAY UPTO SUNDAY BRUNCH."

SINCE I DON'T HAVETHE BODY OF A STRIPPER,

I WOULD JUST USE SOMETHING.

SO I THINK I WOULD JUST MAKEREALLY SERIOUS EYE CONTACT

WITH EVERYBODY LIKE THIS.

[cheers and applause]

- IF YOU WEAR A WIGTO THERAPY...

AND THEN A COUPLE MINUTESINTO IT YOU'RE LIKE, "J-K,"

YOU TAKE THE WIG OFF...

HE'S STILL GONNA WANTTO TALK ABOUT IT...

FOR LIKE,FOR MOST OF THE SESSION.

IMAGINE FOR A SECOND...

IF YOU HAD THE PERSISTENCE...

AND THE DRIVE...

OF THE ADOBE READER UPDATER.

[laughter and applause]

THINK OF WHAT YOU WOULD BE ABLETO ACCOMPLISH WITH YOUR LIFE!

'CAUSE THAT GUY'SOUT THERE EVERY DAY.

AT A CERTAIN POINT,I WAS LIKE,

"I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT I HAVE THIS PROGRAM FOR."

I THINK I USED IT TO DOWNLOADONE TAX DOCUMENT ONCE.

AND NOW, EVERY DAY, I SEE HIMHOPPING AROUND DOWN THERE

IN THE CORNEROF MY SCREEN LIKE,

"HEY, MAN, WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT UPDATING ME?"

TO WHICH I SAY,"NO, THANK YOU."

AND HE GOES,"I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW."

- I ENJOY SEX NOW.

I ENJOYED SEX WHEN I WAS 20,BUT I ONLY ENJOYED IT FOR,

LIKE, FIVE OR SIX PUMPS.

THEN AFTER THAT,I WAS TOO BUSY TRYING

TO DIVIDE FRACTIONS AND REMEMBERSCENES FROM THE COLOR PURPLE.

EVERY--[laughs]

EVERY YOUNG DUDE IN HEREHAS A TRICK TO NOT FINISH FAST.

IT'S NOT JUST ME.WOMEN DON'T HAVE A TRICK.

YOU FINISH WHENEVER YOU WANT,AND WE DON'T MAKE FUN OF YOU

BECAUSE WE'RE NICE PEOPLE.

NO WOMAN IN HERE KNOWS ABOUT[bleep] EARLY DURING SEX.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, [bleep].THINK OF DANNY GLOVER.

THINK OF DANNY GLOVER."

THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

THERE'S BOOKSTHAT TEACH WOMEN.

THERE'S NO BOOKSTHAT TEACH YOUNGER MEN

HOW TO ENJOY SEX BETTER.

THERE'S NO"50 SHADES OF DUDES."

THAT'S WHYI'M GONNA WRITE A BOOK.

I'M GONNA WRITE A BOOKTEACHING YOUNGER MEN

HOW TO ENJOY SEX BETTER.

IT'S GONNA BE TWO PAGES LONG.

AND THE FIRST PAGE IS GONNA SAY,

"IF YOU FEEL LIKEYOU GOTTA [bleep], [bleep]."

AND THE SECOND PAGE--[chuckles]

AND THE SECOND PAGE,THERE'S GONNA BE A BIBLIOGRAPHY.

THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.[laughs]

THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.

THAT'S IT.THAT'S IT.

I'M DEAD SERIOUS.

I WISH I HAD THAT INFORMATIONWHEN I WAS 20.

I USED TO HOLD OUT.I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I NEVER WON NOTHING.

I ALMOST BITMY TONGUE OFF TWICE.

NOW, AT 30, IF I [bleep] EARLY,SO BE IT.

COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF.