Alfred Robles & Rick Gutierrez

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 10/06/2011

Alfred Robles has a special way of letting people know he's engaged, Rick Gutierrez describes his cheese-based diet, and Ozomatli performs "Hey It's Fluffy!"

all over the country--

50 states, you guys,in a tour bus.

Every city, every statehas been amazing.

Everything was going so smoothuntil we passed through Phoenix.

I got to tell youwhat happened, okay?

We're on our way to California,and in between the two,

you know, there's a checkpointwhere they're looking for

illegals, narcotics, weapons orall three if you're convenient.

And we're rolling through.

(makes bus engine noise)

(brakes squealing)

(bus hissing)

That's pretty good, huh?

Anyway...

I know I did a good bus, 'causewhen I went... (engine rumbling)

she's like this.

(laughs)

I'm sorry.

She's like, "He's really good.

"He's really good.

I saw the bus, I saw it."

Anyways, it's, uh,it's early in the morning

and we're rolling throughand we get pulled over.

And the Immigration officerwalks over to the window

and he, you know...(loud knock)

And our driver-- you know, he'slike, "What's going on here?"

And our driver, right--he's a cool dude named Dave.

He's been driving tour busesfor, like, 30 years.

He's old and white.

And he doesn't care.Like, his favorite line is,

"I don't give a ...!"

Good old Dave, right?

So the officer's like,"What's going on?"

And Dave is like, "It's, uh,comedian Gabriel Iglesias

"and his entourage of comedians.

"It's sponsored byComedy Central.

It's legit."

And as they're talking,we hear this outside.

(dog barking)

(loud knock)

"Hold on.

"Our dog has just informed usthat there is something

inside this tour bus that isnot supposed to be here."

And our driver looks at theImmigration officer and he says,

"Is that what he said?

(chuckles)

Goddamn Scooby-Doo."

And we're in the backhaving a heart attack.

(screams)

"Dave, you're gonnaget us arrested!"

"I don't give a ...!"

Next thing you know,they ask the representative

of the tour bus to get off.

So my name and my faceare on the side of the bus.

Door pops open, and I'm greeted

by an Immigration officerwith the last name Sanchez.

(chuckles)

Traitor!

'cause I'm engaged now.

I've been engagedfor ten months,

and my girl wants to changethe engagement rules.

She tells me, "Babe,why do I got to wear a ring

and let guys know I'm taken andyou don't got to wear nothing?"

I told her, "Babe, I wearmy sad face every day."

And I want... I want the girl

that reminds meof my report card.

Her face has to be an "A."

She has to have double "D"s.

'Cause tonight I wanna "F."

(cheering and applause)

Nobody can take a joke, though,am I right?

Everybody gets mad.

Me and my cousinriding the bus the other day.

We're talkingto these two black ladies

in front of us,and before they got up,

they asked me,"Are you guys brothers?"

I said, "Nope, we're Mexicans."

I love Gabriel Iglesias, man.

That dude, when I came to L.A.,I lived with him for two years.

And he made me this one deal.

He goes, "You know,you can live here for free

as long as you buythe groceries."

You saw him.

That dude doesn't eat,like, a slice of bread.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

(mimics ravenous eating)

"Damn, was that a whole chicken?Son of a bitch!"

And everything's changing.

You can't be fat anymore.

You know what they call it?An epidemic.

Sons of bitches, man.

If being fat's an epidemic,I'm infected.

Look at this.

And it's not my fault.

I'm Mexican.Look at my diet.

Cheese on top of cheese,cheese on beans.

I haven't taken a (bleep)in a year.

Our children, man.

And they...and we buy them video games.

Don't do that.

That's like crack cocaineto a kid.

You ever see a kid playa video game?

(demonic babbling)

(cheering and applause)

How come they can't makegood video games

like "clean your room"video game

or "do your homework" video game

or "shut the hell up"video game? How about that?

Look at the young people.

(mock laughing)

(stammers)How old are you, man?

How old are you?How old are you?!

25? (bleep) you!

(mock laughing)

You don't know dick.

They always thinkthey know, right?

You can't tell them anything.

"Hey, dude..." "I know."

"What about...?""I know."

You see that (bleep) coming?You didn't know.

Yeah.

(mock laughing)

They don't learn.Right, 25?

You don't even knowwhat a slingshot is, do you?

No. (mock babbling)

My brother shot me in the backwith a ball bearing.

And I heard it coming.(makes whooshing sound)

"Where?"(imitates thud)

You know how you're screaming,

but nothing's comingout of your mouth?

He starts dragging meup the backyard.

"Shut up! Shut up!Shut up! Shut up!"

"Don't tell Dad!Don't tell Dad!"

"Aah!""Shut up!"

"I'll take out the trash.

I'll take it out.I swear to God!"

And what did you learn?Duck, bitch.

(applause and cheering)

You know... hey, you know how

you know when you startgetting older?

You start hearing noises

in your bodynobody else can hear.

You're just talking."What's up, dude? Yeah."

(grunts)

You know what it is?It's gas.

You're 25 years old.

Your gas stays in one place.

Me and these old bastards...

(moaning and grunting)

It moves around.

It's looking for a placeto come out, and it finds one.

(grunting)

(speaks Spanish)

We got to go!

That's why old peoplewalk the way they do.

'cause I went to the doctor.

The doctor told meI was borderline diabetic.

So I told the doctor,

"What are yougetting racial for?

"Why do you got to say'borderline?'

"'Cause I'm Mexican?

Can't you say 'almost?'"

The cops--cops want to be rappers.

Always rhyming stuff.

"Click it or ticket."

"Drop a dime on crime."

"Don't make me pullthat trigger..."

(fans murmuring loudly)

"Or that ticket will be bigger."

What were you guys thinking?

(laughter)

I'm not a rapper.

I'm not high.

Girls, you guys gotto stop lying.

They always liewith that one question:

"How many guyshave you slept with?"

Liar. Right?

That's why I think girls shouldcome with that little card.

Remember you were at school,you used to go

to librariesto check out a book?

(applause and laughter)

And that little cardused to tell you

how many peoplechecked that book out.

All right? All I'm saying issome girls come with two cards.

She's a best seller.

My nephew's schoolwas celebrating Presidents Day,

and he comes and he tells me,

"My little black friend'sgoing to wear an Obama shirt.

My little white friend'sgoing to wear a Kennedy shirt."

And he says, "I'm Latino.

I don't knowwhat shirt to wear."

So I made him a shirtthat said, "Coming soon."

(cheering and applause)

(indistinct chatter)

(band plays midtempo rhythm)

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

♪ It's time to say hello

♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

♪ It's time to let you know

♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

♪ Mmm, you're Fluffy,automatic ♪

♪ Break it down, systematic

♪ Healthy, husky, Fluffy

Damn!

♪ Drive-through fanatic

♪ Ladies, check out the figure

♪ Curvaceous and climactic

♪ Man, he's hotter than a tanon a Jersey Shore fanatic ♪

Uh-uh, look here, Nacho Libre.♪ Fluffy

♪ Mr. Fabulous in "Road Trip"

♪ Fluffy, the palm treeto your toothpick ♪

Oh, hell no!

♪ French braider,laugh instater ♪

♪ Crackin' smilesto South Decatur ♪

♪ Fits and giggles instigator

♪ Fluffalicious,makes it greater ♪

♪ It's time to say hello

♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

♪ It's time to let you know

♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

♪ Yeah, yo, Fluffy,what's the status? ♪

♪ Sure enough, yo,who's the baddest? ♪

♪ Yo, hit them funny boneswith them comedic acrobatics ♪

Martin!

♪ Feel the force, boy,quit all the chatter ♪

♪ I'll just get more Fluffy

♪ Hopefully the chocolate cakegets fatter ♪

Mmm, chocolate cake!

♪ Fluffy, worldwideto Cali-fresh, yes ♪

♪ You got your Hawaiian shirtpressed? ♪

Oh, my God, yes.

♪ He's full of soul andbuilt tough like King Kong ♪

♪ Everybody stand up,fluff it up ♪

♪ And sing this song,come on ♪

♪ It's time to say hello

♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

♪ It's time to let you know

♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

(indistinct chatter)

♪ It's time to let you know

♪ How to do the Fluffy Flow

♪ It's time to say hello

♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

♪ It's time to let you know

♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

♪ It's time to say hello

♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

♪ It's time to let you know

♪ Fluffy! ♪♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Fluffy!

♪ It's time to say hello

♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪

♪ Hey! It's Fluffy!

You can't be fat anymore.

You know what they call it?An epidemic.

Sons of bitches, man.

If being fat's an epidemic,I'm infected.

Look at this.

And it's not my fault.

I'm Mexican.Look at my diet.

Cheese on top of cheese,cheese on beans.

I haven't taken a (bleep)in a year.

It pisses me off.

You know whatthe biggest change is?

Our children, man.

And they...and we buy them video games.

Don't do that.

That's like crack cocaineto a kid.

You ever see a kid playa video game?

(demonic babbling)

(cheering and applause)

How come they can't makegood video games

like "clean your room"video game

or "do your homework" video game

or "shut the hell up"video game? How about that?

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