Stunt Audition

  • 12/05/2013

Adam blows up his own party, and Brooks Whelan, Pete Davidson and Adam Ray perform.

- CONGRATS.THAT'S AWESOME.

- YEAH, DUDE,IT'S REALLY EXCITING.

WE WANT IT TO BEREAL ACTION-HEAVY,

SO WE GOT JASON STATHAM

AND JET LI INVOLVED ALREADY.- THAT'S AWESOME.

- JUST TRYING TO GETOTHER BIG NAMES INVOLVED.

- BIG NAMES.

WHAT UP?I'M HERE.

- ADAM SOLDHIS HIGH OCTANE PROJECT.

- REALLY?- YEAH.

- YOU ARE A PRODUCER?

- YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.

- CAN I TALK TO YOUREAL QUICK?

OUT HERE REAL QUICK.

WATCH THIS REAL QUICK.

- DOES HE ALWAYS LEAVE ROOMSLIKE THAT?

- MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW.IT'S HIS HOUSE.

- I SHOULD PROBABLYGO OUT THERE.

- HONESTLY, DUDE, I JUST WANTTO SAY CONGRA-JU-LATIONS.

- [laughs] THANKS, MAN.- AND I DIDN'T MEAN

TO SAY "JEW" AS A--- IT'S--NO, I GOT IT.

I DIDN'T TAKE IT OFFENSIVELY.- YEAH, YEAH, 'CAUSE I KNOW

THAT YOU'RE JEWISH.- WELL, I AM, SO IT'S NOT--

PRETTY EXCITED.- YOU KNOW, HONESTLY,

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEENONE OF MY FAVORITE COMICS.

YOU'RE, LIKE,AT A RICHARD PRYOR LEVEL FOR ME.

- WOW, THANKS, MAN.

- IT'S REALLY COOL THATBOTH OF OUR CAREERS ARE JUST...

[imitating airplane]TAKING OFF LIKE...

- YEAH.- PARALLEL FIGHTING JETS

SOARINGTHROUGH THE DEEP, BLUE SKY.

[gasps]

WE'RE LIKE THE BLUE ANGELS.

OH, MY GOD,WE ARE BLUE ANGELS!

SAY IT WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

WE ARE BLUE AN--

THIS IS A GOOD BONDINGEXPERIENCE FOR US.

- YEAH.- WE ARE BLUE ANGELS.

SAY IT RIGHT NOW.- NO, I'M GOOD.

- WE MIGHT AS WELL,THOUGH, FOR FUN.

WE ARE...both: BLUE ANGELS!

- HEY, ADAM,I'LL SEE YOU IN THE SKY.

[imitating airplane]

I'M TAKING OFF!

[imitating airplane]- THERE YOU GO.

- HEY, DARE ME TO JUMPDOWN THESE STAIRS RIGHT NOW?

- DEFINITELY SHOULDN'T DO THAT.- SHOULD I JUMP OFF HERE?

- DON'T--NO, JUST--- HEY, MAN,

YOU'RE A GREAT PRODUCER,WORRYING ABOUT YOUR ACTORS.

I GET THAT.TIME ME, I'LL RUN DOWN 'EM.

EXCUSE ME.

OHH!

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

SUCKA!

LET'S HAVE FUN.

ALCOHOL IS NOTA NEW PROBLEM FOR ME.

WHEN I WAS 20 YEARS OLD,I BLACKED OUT DRINKING

AND PASSED OUTIN MY OWN BED.

MY ROOMMATESBROKE INTO MY ROOM

AND SHOVED A STICK OF BUTTERDOWN MY PANTS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WASA THING PEOPLE DID.

AND DURING THE NIGHT,IT MELTED AND CONGEALED.

[audience ohs]

WHEN YOU WAKE UPIN THE MORNING

WITH NO RECOLLECTIONOF THE NIGHT BEFORE,

AND YOU SEETHAT CRIME SCENE,

YOU DON'T THINK,OH, MY GOSH, IS THIS BUTTER?

THE THOUGHT IS...NO!

WE ARE DONE DRINKING FOREVER,BROOKS.

WHAT'D YOU SLEEP WITH?YOU DON'T KNOW!

SO I DID WHAT ANY OF USWOULD DO UPON FINDING THAT.

I TOLD NO ONE ABOUT IT.

BUT SINCE I DIDN'TTELL ANYBODY ABOUT IT,

MY ROOMMATES WERE DRUNKWHEN THEY DID IT TO ME,

SO THEY FORGOTTO BRING IT UP TOO.

SO I SPENT THE NEXT EIGHT MONTHSOF MY LIFE

CONVINCED THAT I HADTHE RAREST STD ON THE PLANET.

POSITIVE.

ALSO, I LEARNED THAT DAYTHAT YOU CAN TURN

A STAND UP-ONLY SHOWERINTO A SIT-DOWN SHOWER

IF YOU'RE SAD ENOUGH.

AND THAT'S THE WAY YOU CAN HUGYOUR WHOLE BODY TOO, YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN REALLY JUST GET IN THEREAND BE LIKE,

"YOU'RE NOT THAT BADOF A GUY.

YOUR MOM LOVES YOU,DUDE."

I WENT AND WAS LIKE,SEE WHAT YOU GOT, MAN.

LET'S LOOK IT UP.INTERNET.

"THERE IS A CREAMY DISCHARGEAROUND MY PELVIS.

WHAT DO I HAVE?"

OH, THAT DOESN'T EXIST YET?OKAY.

I'M PATIENT ZERO FOR NEW AIDS?AWESOME.

AND THEN, I FOUND OUTWHAT HAPPENED EIGHT MONTHS LATER

WHEN ANOTHER FRIEND PASSED OUTAT THE--AT OUR APARTMENT

AND MY ROOMMATESWERE LIKE,

"YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DOTO HIM?

LET'S PUT SOME BUTTERDOWN HIS PANTS."

AND I WAS LIKE,"WHAT?

HAVE YOU--HAVE YOU DONE THATBEFORE MAYBE?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, WEDID IT TO YOU, MAN, AWHILE BACK!

WE DID THAT TO YOU!"

AND I WAS JUST LIKE,"OH, WAS IT AUGUST 16TH, 2006?

"IS THAT THE DATE?

"'CAUSE I GOT THAT DATE MARKEDDOWN IN MY CALENDAR, GUYS,

AS THE DAY I GOT NEW AIDS!COME ON!"

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT FOR ME,YOU GUYS.

THANKS A LOT.HAVE A GREAT REST OF THE SHOW.

[party music and chatter]

- [coughs]

- SO YESTERDAY,I MET WITH JERRY BRUCKHEIMER,

WHICH WAS AMAZING.

I'M MEETING WITH STALLONENEXT WEEK.

- OH, NO,IT'S A GRENADE!

AH!

I'LL SAVE THE DAY!

[small pop]OH!

OH, MY GOD,I SAVED YOUR LIFE, BRO!

- HEY, BROOKS,WILL YOU PASS ME A BEER?

- YEAH.YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- THANK YOU.

[slow motion yell]

I SAVED YOUR LIFE,AGAIN.

IMAGINEIF THAT HAD BEEN REAL?

- A REAL BEER?- NO, A REAL SILVER BULLET.

YOU GET IT?

- 'CAUSE OF THE COMMERCIAL?YEAH.

- PETE, PARKOUR RACETO THE STAGE, MAN.

ON YOUR MARKS,GET SET, NOW.

AND ADAM,I'LL BE BACK.

PARKOUR RACE!

- IS IT JUST ME, OR IS ADAM,LIKE, KIND OF STUPID?

- OH, NO, HE'S REALLY STUPID.YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

HE'S VERY STUPID.

- THAT WAS AWESOME.

YAAAAAY.WHAT'S UP, ADULTS?

HOW YOU DOING?YOU GOOD?

I-I JUST DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE.ANYBODY ELSE?

[cheers and applause]

YEAH!

I, UH, I DROPPED OUT'CAUSE I WAS DORMING,

AND I DIDN'T LIKE DORMING.

THAT'S IT.

I DIDN'T SPEAK TO ANYOF MY ROOMMATES,

AND I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE, LIKE,THE FIRST MORNING,

WE ALL WOKE UP WITH A BONER,AND WE WERE LIKE,

"THIS ISN'T FOR ANY OF US."YOU KNOW?

ONE TIME,WE RAN OUT OF TOILET PAPER,

AND WE JUSTDIDN'T GET ANY.

BUT EVERYBODYTOOK A SHIT EVERY DAY,

AND NOBODY KNEWWHAT THEY USED.

IT WAS, LIKE, THIS "DON'T ASK,DON'T TELL" POLICY THAT WE HAD.

ONE TIME, MY ROOMMATECAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM

WITH ONE SOCK.I WAS LIKE,

FUCK, WE NEED TOILET PAPER.HOLY SHIT.

THIS IS GETTING REAL.

I HAVE NO GAMEWITH WOMEN,

'CAUSE I WENTTO AN ALL-BOY CATHOLIC SCHOOL,

WHICH IS LIKE AN EDUCATIONALCOCK-BLOCK.

IT'S JUST--IT'S NOT VERY FUN.

HERE'S SOMETHINGTHAT SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN

IN AN ALL-BOYS SCHOOL:DON'T GET AN ERECTION.

THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR THATAT ALL.

IT JUST SHOULDN'T HAPPEN,'CAUSE THERE'S PRIESTS THERE,

AND PRIESTS ARE LIKE SHARKSWHEN YOU GET A CUT IN THE WATER.

I GOT MY PRIEST TO STOPHITTING ON ME, THOUGH.

IT WAS EASY.

I INTRODUCED HIMTO MY LITTLE BROTHER.

[audience ohs]

I GOT AN "A."

I'M A POTHEAD.I'M PRETTY SURE YOU COULD TELL.

[cheering]

YEAH. I, UH, I SMOKE WEED

'CAUSE THE COMMERCIALSAGAINST IT SUCK.

LIKE, THE CIGARETTE COMMERCIALSARE GOOD.

THEY'RE GOOD,THE LADY HAS NO FINGERS.

I'M LIKE,NAH, I NEED THOSE.

HOW AM I GONNA SMOKE WEEDWITH NO FINGERS?

THERE'S CERTAIN THINGSI CAN'T DO WHEN I'M HIGH.

I FIGURED THIS OUT RECENTLY.I CAN'T PLAY CALL OF DUTY.

'CAUSE I'M AFRAIDOF DYING.

SOON AS THE GAME STARTS,I JUST HIDE BEHIND A ROCK.

I'M LIKE,"YOU GUYS GO.

"I'M GONNA LISTEN TO THESEFIFTH-GRADERS CALL ME A HOMO

FOR THE NEXT 32 MINUTES."

ALL MY FRIENDSARE BLACK,

IF YOU CAN'T TELLBY MY SNEAKERS: JORDANS.

YOU EVER HAVE A BLACK GUYCOMPLIMENT YOUR SNEAKERS?

YOU'RE LIKE,OH, WOW, THESE MUST BE COOL.

IF A WHITE GUYCOMPLIMENTS MY SNEAKERS,

I'M LIKE,I'M GONNA THROW THESE OUT.

THESE MUST--WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,I HAVE A KID COMING?

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE BLACK,AND IT'S WEIRD,

'CAUSE I'MTHE ONLY WHITE GUY,

AND BLACK PEOPLE SPEAK ENGLISH,BUT THEY DON'T.

YOU KNOW?YOU GUYS KNOW THIS?

RIGHT, LIKE, MY BOYCAME UP TO ME THE OTHER DAY,

AND HE WAS DEAD SERIOUS.HE WAS LIKE, "YO, PETE,

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUIN A MINUTE."

I'M LIKE, "JAYQUAN, UH...

"I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUIN FIVE YEARS.

"WHAT THE FUCKARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DO YOU HAVEPERCEPTION OF TIME?"

LIKE, I THINK THAT'S WHYBLACK PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LATE.

THEY JUST HAVE NO IDEAWHAT TIME IS.

THEY LOOK AT THEIR WATCH,LIKE, "OOH, DIAMONDS."

THEY HAVE NO IDEA.

I, UH, I'M FROM STATEN ISLAND.I'M SORRY, EVERYBODY.

[cheers and applause]

IF YOU GUYS DON'T KNOWWHAT STATEN ISLAND IS,

IT'S--IT'S LIKENEW YORK'S ABORTION THAT LIVED.

LIKE, IT'S JUST--

IT'S THIS AWFUL PLACEWHERE DREAMS DIE,

AND I'M FROM THERE.

LIKE, THE ONLY GOOD THINGWE HAVE ARE WOMEN SEX OFFENDERS.

I THINK THAT'S AWESOME.

IT'S ACTUALLY WHYI STILL LIVE THERE.

IF I TURN ON FOX NEWSAND THE GUY'S LIKE,

"WOMAN RAPES THREE KIDS, AND--13 AND 17 IN THE WOODS."

I'M LIKE,"MA, I'M GOING CAMPING.

YOU GOT THAT BOY SCOUT OUTFITFROM THIRD GRADE?"

"IT WON'T FIT YOU.""THAT'S THE POINT."

[cheers and applause]YAH!

[adventure music]

OH, NO.

[imitates gun shot]OH!

NICE TRY.

[cheers and laughter]

OH, GOD, NO!

[imitates machine gunfireand machine gun effect]

[growling]

THANKS, I NEEDEDSOME MORE IRON IN MY DIET.

OH, NO,I'M BEING ATTACKED!

[military music]

AH! AHH!

AH! BAH! OH!

OH, GOD,THERE'S TOO MANY OF THEM!

AH!

[clothes ripping]

[yells]

[cheers and applause]

- WHY IS HE LOOKING AT YOULIKE THAT, DUDE?

- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.I THINK HE'S TRYING TO FUCK ME.

- YEAH.

WHAT, UH,WHAT A PARTY, RIGHT?

[audience cheers]IT'S THE BEST.

THIS IS MY SCENE,QUITE HONESTLY.

LIKE, I GOT DRAGGED TO A CLUBA FEW NIGHTS AGO.

I'M JUST NOT A BIG CLUB GUYIN GENERAL.

I'M NEVER PREPARED,THAT'S MY PROBLEM.

I NEVER HAVE ENOUGH MONEY,RIGHT?

I NEVER HAVE ENOUGH DRAGONSON MY SHIRT, AND--

[laughs]RIGHT?

SOME PEOPLE GET DRUNKAND GET TATTOOS.

I DON'T JUDGE,'CAUSE I WANT A TATTOO.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D GET,THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

YOU GOTTA HAVEA GAME PLAN.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S GONNABE WITH YOU FOREVER.

I'D PROBABLY GET SOMETHINGNOBODY HAS, ORIGINAL.

I'D WANT TO MAKE SURE I DO THAT.YOU KNOW, MAYBE LIKE THE--

LIKE, THE CAST OF SPACE JAMON MY CHEST, OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S--PRETTY SURE NOBODY'S GOTPATRICK EWING'S BEST WORK.

GIRLS KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOINGWITH TATTOOS, RIGHT?

THERE'S NOT ONE GIRLWITH A TATTOO

THAT DOESN'T COMEWITH SOME DEEP, YOU KNOW,

SPECIAL MESSAGE BEHIND IT.YOU KNOW,

I HAVE A TATTOOOF TWO HUMMINGBIRDS

SPOONINGINSIDE OF A FLOWER

WITH A BUNCHOF JAPANESE LETTERING ABOVE IT,

AND IT MEANS"AFTER YOU WEATHER THE STORM,

THE SPIRIT OF THE HEARTSTAYS TRUE."

SO IT'S SOMETHINGTHAT MY--

SOMETHING MY MOM TOLD MEWHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

AND I STILL BELIEVE IN IT.

I STILL BELIEVE IN IT.I DON'T KNOW.

GUYS GET TATTOOS

FOR A COMPLETELYDIFFERENT REASON, RIGHT?

'CAUSE IT'S DOPE.

GOT IT 'CAUSE IT'S DOPE, BRO.RIGHT?

"'CAUSE IT'S DOPE" IS WHYYOU SEE TATTOOS OF, LIKE,

LADY LIBERTY HOLDINGAN AK-47.

YOU KNOW, OR A TATTOO OF, LIKE,BIGFOOT GOING DOWN ON A MERMAID.

RIGHT?THERE'S NO BACK STORY.

THERE'S NO BACK STORYWITH THAT.

IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THERE WAS,LIKE, SOME DEEP STORY, RIGHT?

YOU'RE JUST LIKE,"DUDE, THAT'S HILARIOUS.

HOW DRUNK WERE YOU?""NO, ACTUALLY,

"NO, DO YOU WANT TO KNOWWHY I GOT IT?

"WELL, WHEN I WAS SIX,I WENT CAMPING WITH MY DAD,

"AND WE SAW BIGFOOT, AND HE WASGOING DOWN ON A MERMAID,

"AND--AND MY DAD PASSED AWAYTWO YEARS LATER.

"I JUST GOT IT TO REMIND ME.I MEAN, IT'S STUPID.

IT'S--I DON'T KNOW.IT'S--IT'S STUPID."

[audience cheers]

OH, YOU GUYS LIKE POT?

[audience cheers]

WHAT WAS THAT, BUDDY?

- A LOT OF IT!

- A LOT OF IT?YEAH.

ARE YOU THE DEALERIN THE CROWD TONIGHT?

OR ARE YOU JUSTLOOKING FOR SOME?

NO, DON'T UNBUTTON YOUR JACKET,MOTHERFUCKER,

TAKE IT EASY, YEAH.

NOBODY ASKED YOUTO UNDRESS YOURSELF

AFTER THAT COMMENT.

"YEAH, A LOT OF POT.MIND IF I TAKE MY PANTS OFF?"

YEAH, I DO, ACTUALLY.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DOWHEN YOU SMOKE POT, BUDDY?

- LISTEN TO RECORDS.

- "LISTEN TO RECORDS," YEAH,THAT'S A PRETTY STANDARD ANSWER.

YEAH, IF WE WERE PLAYINGSTONER FAMILY FEUD,

THAT'D PROBABLY BETHE NUMBER ONE ANSWER, RIGHT?

"LISTEN TO MUSIC, MAN."

I ASKED A GUY AT A SHOW ONCE,"WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO

WHEN YOU SMOKE POT?"HE GOES, "COCAINE."

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WELL,THAT'S A DIFFERENT RESPONSE.

IT IS A GATEWAY DRUG,SO I'LL GIVE YOU THAT."

EVERYBODY SMOKES WEED.I JUST FOUND OUT

MY 15-YEAR-OLD COUSINSMOKES POT.

WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

KID WANTS TO BE AN ADULTBEFORE HE EVEN GROWS UP.

I TRIED TO CURB THE HABIT,RIGHT?

SO I TELL HIMTHAT I SMOKE A LITTLE TOO,

TO TRY TO ENCOURAGE IT TO--NOT BECOMING A PROBLEM.

NEVER SEEN A KIDGET MORE EXCITED

ABOUT ANYTHINGIN HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

JUST LIKE, "DUDE, ADAM,YOU SMOKE POT?

"[laughs]

DUDE, HOW HAVE WENOT SMOKED TOGETHER YET?"

I WAS LIKE, "'HOW HAVE WENOT SMOKED TOGETHER YET?'

"DUDE, FIVE YEARS AGO,YOU WERE TEN.

"WHAT THE FUCKARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU JUST STARTED USINGDEODORANT, MAN, TAKE IT EASY."

I GET TO TRAVEL A LOTTO DO THIS, WHICH IS GREAT,

BUT IT'S TOUGH TO EATON THE ROAD.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUSTA LOT OF FAST FOOD,

SO I TRY TO ALWAYSHIT A GROCERY STORE,

BUY MY OWN STUFF.

I WAS IN NORTH CAROLINA,TRYING TO FIND A GROCERY STORE,

SO I JUST ASKED A DUDEON THE STREET,

"HEY, MAN,WHERE'S, LIKE,

YOUR MAIN GROCERY STOREAROUND HERE?"

AND THE GUY'S LIKE, "WELL,WE'VE TWO MAIN SUPERMARKETS.

"THERE'S ONE CALLEDHARRIS TEETERS,

AND ANOTHER ONECALLED FOOD LION, SO."

"OH, I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY'FOOD LINE' OR 'FOOD LION'"?

AND HE GOES,"OH, GOD, I'M SORRY, MY BAD.

FOOD LION,YOU KNOW, LIKE RAWR!"

[imitates cat hissing]

YOU KNOW.

I WAS LIKE, WHAT THE HELL?THIS GUY THINKS LIONS GO "RAWR."

[imitates cat hissing]

SCREW THE GROCERY STORE,TAKE ME TO THAT ZOO.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ONOVER THERE?

AND THEN I WAS LIKE,THAT'D BE AMAZING

TO HEAR THIS DUDEBE THE VOICE OF, LIKE,

THOSE CHILDREN'SANIMAL SOUND TOYS.

YOU KNOW,WHERE YOU PULL THE STRING,

AND IT'S LIKE,"A BEAR GOES--"

"OH, GOD, I COULD REALLYGO FOR SOME HONEY RIGHT NOW.

"OH, MY GOD,HOW GOOD DOES THAT SOUND?

JUST HONEY EVERYWHERE,IT'D BE AMAZING!"

[party music and chatter]

- ADAM.

- DUDE.- HEY.

- WHAT UP?

[both laugh]

- KILLER PARTY, DUDE.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.- YEAH. [scoffs]

- I'M GONNA GO TO JEFF ROSS'S,THOUGH.

APPARENTLY,HE HAD A POLAR BEAR.

EVERYONE'S THROWINGKLONDIKE BARS AT IT.

- AH, THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.- SHOULD BE PRETTY--

SHOULD BE DOPE, RIGHT?- THAT SOUNDS COOL.

- I THINK IT'S A TRADITION.- HEY, BEFORE YOU GET GONE,

LET ME ASK YOU A QUEST-I-ON.- YEAH.

- TELL ME THE TRUTH.

DID I BOOK THE PART?

- DID YOU BOOK WHAT PART?

- THE PART IN YOUR MOVIE.

HIGH OCTANE, THE ACTION MOVIEYOU'RE PRODUCING?

- [laughs]YOU THOUGHT IT WAS--

DUDE, "HIGH OCTANE" IS A PODCASTI'M DOING ABOUT ACTION MOVIES.

IT'S NOT AN ACTION MOVIE.

IT'S SPONSOREDBY WELCH'S GRAPE JUICE.

DIDN'T BROOKSTELL YOU THAT?

- [prolonged high-pitched groan]

NO.

- HE DIDN'T TELL YOU?- HE DID NOT TELL ME THAT.

I'M ADAM DEV--[loud punk music]

HANG ON FOR A SECOND.

HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!CUT IT! CUT IT!

[music stops]COULD YOU GUYS JUST--

I KINDA JUST GOTTA DOTHIS CLOSING BIT.

- I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW.I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW.

- YEAH, ALL RIGHT.JUST, UH, ALL RIGHT.

[sighs]

HEY, WHAT'S UP?I'M ADAM DEVINE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING ADAM DEVINE'S HOUSE PARTY.

THIS IS TRASH TALK.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.[loud feedback]

[Trash Talk's Blind Evolution]

- ♪ OH!

♪ I'VE GOT A PROBLEM,NO SOLUTION ♪

♪ RESOLUTION'SOUT OF REACH ♪

Loading...