Camin, Oschack, Howard, White

  • Season 6, Ep 609
  • 12/28/2002

GLAD Y'ALL COULD MAKE IT OUT.

YOU KNOW, MY NEIGHBOR, SHE

INVITED ME TO AN ELVIS PARTY.

(LAUGHTER)

I TOLD HER I COULDN'T COME

'CAUSE I'D BE TOO BUSY MAKING

FUN OF HER FROM BEHIND MY

BLINDS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING?

LOOK AT THAT FOOL.

LOOK, LOOK.

YOU KNOW, LADY, I MEAN, COME ON.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS WHOLE

ELVIS THING.

YOU KNOW THERE'S DEAD PEOPLE IN

MY FAMILY THAT WE MISS AND LOVE

DEARLY, BUT SHOOT, WE DON'T

DRESS UP LIKE 'EM AND DO

IMPRESSIONS.

OH, SHOW UP AT THE FAMILY

REUNION IN A DIRTY T-SHIRT

AND A BALL CAP, "LOOK EVERYBODY.

I'M UNCLE EARL."

ALL RIGHT.

LIFE.

(LAUGHTER)

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER>> GO,

BOY!

RON WHITE>> YESTERDAY I WAS

SITTING IN A BEAN BAG CHAIR

NAKED EATING CHEETOS,

AND I WAS--

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS FLIPPING THROUGH

THE TELEVISION, AND I SAW

ROBERT TILTON.

HE'S A TELEVANGELIST FROM

DALLAS, AND--

HE WAS STARING AT ME.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HE SAID THIS, HE SAID,

"ARE YOU LONELY?"

YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)

HE SAID, "HAVE YOU WASTED HALF

YOUR LIFE IN BARS PURSUING SINS

OF THE FLESH?"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

THIS GUY'S GOOD.

(APPLAUSE)

HE SAID, "ARE YOU SITTING IN A

BEAN BAG CHAIR NAKED EATING

CHEETOS?"

(LAUGHTER)

"YES, SIR."

HE SAID, "DO YOU FEEL THE URGE

TO GET UP AND SEND ME $1,000?"

CLOSE.

I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT

ME THERE FOR A SECOND.

APPARENTLY, I AIN'T THE ONLY CAT

ON THE BLOCK DIGS CHEETOS.

(LAUGHTER)

I ALMOST DIED GETTING HERE.

DID YOU GUYS HEAR--

ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T ALMOST DIE.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET HURT.

(LAUGHTER)

I FLEW HERE FROM ALBANY BECAUSE

MY MANAGER DOESN'T OWN A GLOBE.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I FLEW HERE ON A PLANE THAT BIG.

IT'S LIKE A PACK OF GUM WITH

EIGHT PEOPLE IN IT JUST--

(MAKING ENGINE NOISES)

(LAUGHTER)

WE TOOK OFF FROM THE ALBANY

AIRPORT HAIR CARE AND TIRE

CENTER THERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WE'RE TRAVELING AT HALF THE

SPEED OF SMELL.

WE GOT PASSED BY A KITE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WE HAD ENGINE TROUBLE.

WE LOST SOME OIL PRESSURE IN ONE

OF THE ENGINES, AND THEY TOLD US

ABOUT IT OVER THE SPEAKER SYSTEM

OF THE PLANE, WHICH WAS STUPID

'CAUSE THEY COULDA JUST WENT,

"HEY, WE LOST SOME OIL HERE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HEARD YA.

SURE DID.

IT WAS WEIRD, MAN.

EVERYBODY ON THE PLANE WAS

NERVOUS, BUT I'D BEEN DRINKING

SINCE LUNCH.

I WAS LIKE, "TAKE IT DOWN.

I DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP)."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?

"HIT SOMETHING HARD.

I DON'T WANNA LIMP AWAY FROM

THIS SON OF A BITCH."

(LAUGHTER)

THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME IS

LOSING HIS MIND.

APPARENTLY, HE HAD A LOT TO LIVE

FOR.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

HE GOES, "HEY, MAN, HUH, HUH,

HEY, MAN, HUH.

IF ONE OF THESE ENGINES FAILS,

HOW FAR WILL THE OTHER ONE TAKE

US?"

"ALL THE WAY TO THE SCENE OF THE

CRASH."

(CHEERS AND APPLAU

LAST NIGHT, SOME GUYS ASKED ME

IF I WANTED TO GO TO A TOPLESS

CLUB, AND I DIDN'T WANNA GO.

I JUST ENDED UP GOING 'CAUSE,

YOU GUYS BACK ME UP ON THIS,

YOU'VE SEEN ONE WOMAN NAKED, YOU

WANNA SEE THE REST OF 'EM NAKED.

IT COULD BE AN OLD BIKER CHICK.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA HANG DOWN

TO HERE.

"YOU WANNA SEE MY (BLEEP)?"

(LAUGHTER)

"YEAH, I DO."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I JUST GOT BACK FROM 10 DAYS IN

LOS ANGELES.

IF YOU EVER HAVE A CHANCE TO DO

THAT, PASS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I LEARN THINGS WHEN I GO TO

L.A.

I LEARNED THIS.

THEY HAVE BIKINIS NOW MADE OUT

OF SEA SHELLS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, AND I ALSO

DIDN'T KNOW THIS.

IF YOU'RE EVER WALKING DOWN THE

BEACH AND YOU SEE A GIRL DRESSED

IN A BIKINI MADE OUT OF SEA

SHELLS, AND YOU PICK HER UP,

AND HOLD HER TO YOUR EAR...

(LAUGHTER)

YOU CAN HEAR HER SCREAM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M FROM TEXAS.

IN TEXAS, WE HAVE THE DEATH

PENALTY AND WE USE IT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IF YOU COME TO TEXAS AND KILL

SOMEBODY, WE WILL KILL YOU BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S OUR POLICY.

THEY'RE TRYING TO PASS A BILL

RIGHT NOW THROUGH THE TEXAS

LEGISLATURE THAT'LL SPEED UP

THE PROCESS OF EXECUTION IN

HEINOUS CRIMES WHERE THERE'S

MORE THAN THREE CREDIBLE

EYEWITNESSES.

IF MORE THAN THREE PEOPLE SAW

YOU DO WHAT YOU DID, YOU DON'T

SIT ON DEATH ROW FOR 15 YEARS,

JACK.

YOU GO STRAIGHT TO THE FRONT OF

THE LINE.

OTHER STATES ARE TRYING TO

ABOLISH THE DEATH PENALTY.

MY STATE'S PUTTING IN AN EXPRESS

LANE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)