Camin, Oschack, Howard, White

  • Season 6, Ep 609
  • 12/28/2002

GLAD Y'ALL COULD MAKE IT OUT.

YOU KNOW, MY NEIGHBOR, SHE

INVITED ME TO AN ELVIS PARTY.

(LAUGHTER)

I TOLD HER I COULDN'T COME

'CAUSE I'D BE TOO BUSY MAKING

FUN OF HER FROM BEHIND MY

BLINDS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING?

LOOK AT THAT FOOL.

LOOK, LOOK.

YOU KNOW, LADY, I MEAN, COME ON.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS WHOLE

ELVIS THING.

YOU KNOW THERE'S DEAD PEOPLE IN

MY FAMILY THAT WE MISS AND LOVE

DEARLY, BUT SHOOT, WE DON'T

DRESS UP LIKE 'EM AND DO

IMPRESSIONS.

OH, SHOW UP AT THE FAMILY

REUNION IN A DIRTY T-SHIRT

AND A BALL CAP, "LOOK EVERYBODY.

I'M UNCLE EARL."

ALL RIGHT.

YOUNG, YOUNG MARRIED MAN.

LAST OF A DYING BREED EVIDENTLY.

YOUNG PEOPLE AREN'T GETTING

MARRIED ANYMORE.

I GUESS THEY'RE SCARED OF IT

OR SOMETHING, WHICH IS A SHAME

BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS,

MAINTAINING A MARRIAGE AIN'T ALL

THAT DIFFICULT.

IN FACT, WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN

TO IT, THERE'S ONLY ONE SIMPLE

RULE, AND GUYS, THIS GOES OUT TO

YOU.

IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR

BEHAVIOR.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S IT.

LAUGH IF YOU WANT TO.

I'M TELLING YOU.

HEAR ME OUT THOUGH.

NOT EVEN YOUR THOUGHTS,

JUST YOUR BEHAVIOR.

I MEAN, LET'S BE HONEST HERE.

THIS IS JUST A RING.

IT'S NOT A MIND CONTROL DEVICE.

IF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WALKS BY,

YOU'RE GONNA THINK RACY THINGS.

IT'S NATURAL.

BUT, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T HOP ON

HER...

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE SHE'S THE LAST CHOPPER OUT

OF 'NAM...

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YOU'RE ON PRETTY STEADY GROUND,

MY FRIEND.

NO, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MONOGAMY?

THAT'S WHAT ALL MY SINGLE

COMEDIAN FRIENDS ASK ME.

HOW DO YOU HANDLE THE MONOGAMY?

SIMPLE: POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

SEE, I LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

I WAKE UP NOW AS A MARRIED MAN

WITH THE SAME GOAL I DID WHEN I

WAS SINGLE.

GET ME A LITTLE BIT OF THAT

SWEET OLD POONTANG.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

IT'S JUST THAT NOW THAT I'M

MARRIED, I GOT A BETTER IDEA

OF WHO TO FOCUS ON TO REACH THAT

GOAL.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

THINK OF ALL THAT SAVED TIME

AND ENERGY THAT I CAN NOW DEVOTE

TO HOBBIES AND CRAFTS.

(LAUGHTER)

DO I GET A LITTLE JEALOUS WHEN

MY SINGLE FRIENDS COME TO ME

WITH WILD STORIES ABOUT EXOTIC

NIGHTS WITH STRIPPERS?

SURE.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, LOOK AT

ALL THESE MODEL SHIPS I'VE BEEN

ABLE TO BUILD, BABY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

MY BUDDIES ARE ALWAYS LIKE,

"DUDE, DON'T YOU EVER THINK

ABOUT SLEEPING WITH OTHER

WOMEN?"

LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT?

TRUTHFULLY, THE THOUGHT SCARES

THE HELL OUTTA ME.

I MEAN, I CAN BARELY LAST IN BED

WITH MY OWN WIFE, AND WE'VE BEEN

TOGETHER SINCE HIGH SCHOOL,

LET ALONE SOMEBODY NEW.

SO ON ALL THOSE NIGHTS THAT YET

ANOTHER OF MY WIFE AND I'S

SEXUAL SESSIONS CONCLUDE WITH

HER MAKING AN ANGRY DEMAND FOR

A WASH CLOTH TO WIPE HER LEG

WITH...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANS)

YOU KNOW, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME

WOULD MAKE ME THINK IT'D BE ANY

BETTER WITH SOMEBODY NEW AND

FRESH, YOU KNOW?

OH, MAN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

BESIDES, ONE OF THE SPECIAL

THINGS ABOUT MY WIFE AND I BEING

TOGETHER AS LONG AS WE HAVE IS

WE'VE ESTABLISHED THIS SPECIAL

FORM OF UNSPOKEN COMMUNICATION

WITH EACH OTHER, ESPECIALLY IN

THE BEDROOM.

LIKE I GET TURNED ON WHEN SHE

WEARS THIS CERTAIN PAIR OF BLACK

ZIP-UP BOOTS IN BED.

I DO.

AND SHE KNOWS THIS.

SO, ON ALL THOSE NIGHTS IN THE

OSCHACK BEDROOM THAT LOVE IS IN

THE AIR BUT MY PECKER SEEMS TO

BE HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE

JOINING IT; SHE'LL

INSTINCTIVELY, WITHOUT ME HAVING

TO SAY A SINGLE WORD GO ZIP

HERSELF INTO THOSE BOOTS BECAUSE

SHE KNOWS FULL WELL THAT THEY'RE

GUARANTEED TO INFLATE ME INTO

A SEMI-HARD ENOUGH STATE FOR ME

TO THEN REWARD HER FOR THAT

EXTRA EFFORT WITH ABOUT EIGHT

SECONDS OF THE SORT OF WILD

BUCKING YOU KIDS HAVEN'T SEEN

SINCE THE RODEO CAME TO TOWN.

(APPLAUSE)

AND THEN I'LL TOSS HER A

WASH CLOTH.

(LAUGHTER)

NEW YORK CITY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

'CAUSE I JUST GOT BACK FROM

IDAHO 'CAUSE I'M SUCCESSFUL.

AND I WAS WORRIED 'CAUSE I HAD

NEVER BEEN TO IDAHO, AND I HEARD

THEY DO NOT TOLERATE MINORITIES

THERE, YOU KNOW, HELLO.

I WEAR GLASSES.

SO, CONCERN WAS UPON ME LIKE

WOLVES.

SO, IT'S NICE TO BE BACK IN

AMERICA, AND IT IS SO NICE TO BE

OUT OF MY HOUSE.

THE POWER GUY CAME OVER ABOUT

SIX MONTHS AGO.

HE TOLD ME THAT THE HEATER IN MY

BEDROOM WAS LEAKING A LITTLE

NATURAL GAS, AND I COULDN'T USE

MY HEATER IN MY BEDROOM WHERE

I MAKE SWEET LOVE ONCE.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT STILL, AND I FEEL GUILTY

'CAUSE I USE THE HEATER,

AND I HAVEN'T FIXED IT YET

'CAUSE A, I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND

OF MONEY, OKAY, AND TWO, I HAVE

NEVER SLEPT BETTER.

OH, MY GOD.

LAST NIGHT, I SLEPT FOR OVER

16 DAYS.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S GONNA

AFFECT MY BRAIN CELLS.

FORTUNATELY, I'M NOT FROM A

BRIGHT FAMILY.

IN FACT, THE ONLY TIME MY FATHER

EVER GETS LIKE DEEP OR

PHILOSOPHICAL IS WHEN HE HITS

HIS HEAD ON SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW HE'LL GET OUT OF HIS

CHAIR TOO QUICK.

(POP)

"WHY IS THAT THERE?!"

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT'S IT FOR THE MYSTERIES

OF THE UNIVERSE.

(APPLAUSE)

OH, THANKS.

THANKS.

MY DAD'S AN IDIOT.

THANK YOU.

HE'S SO CHEAP, TOO.

WHEN I WAS A KID, MY HOBBY WAS

FISH, NOT THE HIPPIE JAM BAND,

THE WET ANIMAL.

BUT MY DAD WAS TOO CHEAP TO TAKE

ME TO THE BIG DOWNTOWN AQUARIUM.

THIS CHEAP BASTARD, HE WOULD

JUST TAKE ME TO THE FISH MARKET.

(LAUGHTER)

"LOOK, TONY, THERE'S THE

HALIBUT.

SHH.

THEY SLEEP IN PILES."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M LIKE, "DAD, THEY'RE

BREADED."

"THAT'S THEIR BLANKIE."

OH, BOY, I AM POOR.

I JUST MOVED FROM A NICE

TWO-BEDROOM HOUSE BY THE BEACH,

AND NOW I HAVE A STUDIO

APARTMENT.

AND I HAD TO BUY IT WITHOUT

SEEING IT.

I WAS ON THE ROAD AND THE

REALTOR TOLD ME IT WAS 600

SQUARE FEET.

SO, I MEASURED MYSELF,

AND I'M LIKE ONE SQUARE FEET.

SO, I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE

HUGE.

LIKE, THAT'S 600 DIFFERENT

POSSIBILITIES.

HEY, YOU GUY'S, THIS STOOL

IS 800 SQUARE FEET.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A

LITTLE DEPRESSING, BUT IT TURNS

OUT TO BE GREAT.

OH, YEAH, IT'S GREAT, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE IN THE OLD DAYS,

IF I WANTED TO SEE SOME OF MY

POSSESSIONS, RIGHT, I USED TO

HAVE TO GET UP AND WALK INTO THE

OTHER ROOM.

I WISH I HAD THAT KINDA TIME,

MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, I'M LIKE, "HEY, MAN,

HOW'S MY OVEN?"

BOOM.

RIGHT OVER THERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

WHAT'S UP, OVIE?

HOW'S MY '88 ACCORD?

BOOM.

RIGHT THERE.

HOW'S MY DREAMS?

BOOM.

RIGHT DOWN THERE.

SO MY NAME'S STEPHANIE HOWARD,

AND I'M A LESBIAN.

YEAH.

(CHEERING)

YEAH.

THANKS.

I'M THRILLED ABOUT IT, TOO.

I SAY IF YOU'RE GONNA BE GAY

AND YOU'RE GONNA COME OUT TO

YOUR FAMILY, DO IT ON A HOLIDAY.

WHY NOT.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL TAKE ADVANTAGE

OF THIS SITUATION, RIGHT?

I DID, AND I THINK IT WENT OVER

PRETTY WELL.

IN FACT, MY MOM HAS A LITTLE

NICKNAME FOR IT.

YEAH.

SHE CALLS IT "THE THANKSGIVING

THAT STEPHANIE RUINED."

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

AND ALL TIME IS TOLD IN OUR

FAMILY TREE BY THIS ONE DAY.

I'LL GO, "HEY, MOM, WHAT YEAR

DID GRANDPA HAVE HIS HEART

SURGERY?"

"WELL, LET'S SEE.

THE THANKSGIVING THAT YOU RUINED

WAS IN '92, SO THAT MEANS HE HAD

HIS SURGERY IN '67."

GOOD TO KNOW.

YEAH.

I HAVE HAD GIRLFRIENDS BEFORE,

THOUGH, IF YOU CAN ACTUALLY

BELIEVE THAT ONE.

A LOT OF YOU ARE GOING,

"NO, CAN'T REALLY BELIEVE THAT

AT ALL."

YEAH, I HAD THIS ONE, SHE USED

TO COMPLAIN AND NAG AT ME ALL

THE TIME.

SHE'D BE LIKE, "STEPHANIE,

YOU DRINK TOO MUCH, YOU'RE NOT

SPIRITUAL AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA

WHERE YOU'RE GOING IN YOUR

LIFE."

I GO, "YEAH, WELL, YOU SNORE."

(LAUGHTER)

SO, WE BROKE UP AND SHE

IMMEDIATELY LEFT ME FOR A

50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.

YEAH.

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN ON THAT.

YEAH.

I JUST CAN'T SEE THE TWO OF THEM

TOGETHER.

THEY PROBABLY HAVE LIKE LITTLE

NICKNAMES FOR EACH OTHER.

LIKE SHE PROBABLY CALLS HER NEW

GIRLFRIEND "NANA".

(LAUGHTER)

FOR HER BIRTHDAY, HER NEW

GIRLFRIEND SENDS HER CARDS WITH

5 BUCKS IN IT.

(LAUGHTER)

I NEVER DID THAT.

BUT IT'S NOT A $5 BILL.

IT'S ALL DIMES TAPED TO THE

COVER OF THE CARD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH, MY MOM, SHE TRIES TO BE

VERY COOL ABOUT ME BEING GAY,

THOUGH, AND WHEN ELLEN AND ANNE

CAME OUT ON OPRAH, SHE WAS LIKE,

"OH, STEPHANIE, THAT'S SO GREAT.

ELLEN'S ENLIGHTENING SO MANY

WOMEN IN AMERICA."

I SAID, "YEAH.

ELLEN'S SHOWING MILLIONS OF

WOMEN THAT YOU TOO CAN BE

LESBIAN, AND GO OUT AND GET

YOURSELF A NAGGING PSYCHO

GIRLFRIEND.

OH, MY GOD.

ANNE HECHE, KILL ME NOW."

OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE THE INTERVIEW.

IN THE INTERVIEW, ANNE SAID,

"I WAS NEVER GAY, NEVER GAY

UNTIL THE MOMENT I SAW ELLEN."

YEAH, ELLEN'S A REAL HEAD

TURNER, ISN'T SHE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU GUYS ARE COOL.

THIS IS FUN.

THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN THE LAST

SHOW I DID.

THE LAST SHOW I DID WAS THE PORN

AWARDS.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

I GET ALL THE WEIRD SHOWS.

THE RUSSELL BLOW FLICK

"GLAD I ATE HER" SWEPT...

(LAUGHTER)

FOLLOWED BY THE ANIMATED FILM

"POKE A HOT ASS."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

LIFE.

(LAUGHTER)

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER>> GO,

BOY!

RON WHITE>> YESTERDAY I WAS

SITTING IN A BEAN BAG CHAIR

NAKED EATING CHEETOS,

AND I WAS--

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS FLIPPING THROUGH

THE TELEVISION, AND I SAW

ROBERT TILTON.

HE'S A TELEVANGELIST FROM

DALLAS, AND--

HE WAS STARING AT ME.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HE SAID THIS, HE SAID,

"ARE YOU LONELY?"

YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)

HE SAID, "HAVE YOU WASTED HALF

YOUR LIFE IN BARS PURSUING SINS

OF THE FLESH?"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

THIS GUY'S GOOD.

(APPLAUSE)

HE SAID, "ARE YOU SITTING IN A

BEAN BAG CHAIR NAKED EATING

CHEETOS?"

(LAUGHTER)

"YES, SIR."

HE SAID, "DO YOU FEEL THE URGE

TO GET UP AND SEND ME $1,000?"

CLOSE.

I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT

ME THERE FOR A SECOND.

APPARENTLY, I AIN'T THE ONLY CAT

ON THE BLOCK DIGS CHEETOS.

(LAUGHTER)

I ALMOST DIED GETTING HERE.

DID YOU GUYS HEAR--

ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T ALMOST DIE.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET HURT.

(LAUGHTER)

I FLEW HERE FROM ALBANY BECAUSE

MY MANAGER DOESN'T OWN A GLOBE.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I FLEW HERE ON A PLANE THAT BIG.

IT'S LIKE A PACK OF GUM WITH

EIGHT PEOPLE IN IT JUST--

(MAKING ENGINE NOISES)

(LAUGHTER)

WE TOOK OFF FROM THE ALBANY

AIRPORT HAIR CARE AND TIRE

CENTER THERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WE'RE TRAVELING AT HALF THE

SPEED OF SMELL.

WE GOT PASSED BY A KITE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WE HAD ENGINE TROUBLE.

WE LOST SOME OIL PRESSURE IN ONE

OF THE ENGINES, AND THEY TOLD US

ABOUT IT OVER THE SPEAKER SYSTEM

OF THE PLANE, WHICH WAS STUPID

'CAUSE THEY COULDA JUST WENT,

"HEY, WE LOST SOME OIL HERE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HEARD YA.

SURE DID.

IT WAS WEIRD, MAN.

EVERYBODY ON THE PLANE WAS

NERVOUS, BUT I'D BEEN DRINKING

SINCE LUNCH.

I WAS LIKE, "TAKE IT DOWN.

I DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP)."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?

"HIT SOMETHING HARD.

I DON'T WANNA LIMP AWAY FROM

THIS SON OF A BITCH."

(LAUGHTER)

THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME IS

LOSING HIS MIND.

APPARENTLY, HE HAD A LOT TO LIVE

FOR.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

HE GOES, "HEY, MAN, HUH, HUH,

HEY, MAN, HUH.

IF ONE OF THESE ENGINES FAILS,

HOW FAR WILL THE OTHER ONE TAKE

US?"

"ALL THE WAY TO THE SCENE OF THE

CRASH."

(CHEERS AND APPLAU

LAST NIGHT, SOME GUYS ASKED ME

IF I WANTED TO GO TO A TOPLESS

CLUB, AND I DIDN'T WANNA GO.

I JUST ENDED UP GOING 'CAUSE,

YOU GUYS BACK ME UP ON THIS,

YOU'VE SEEN ONE WOMAN NAKED, YOU

WANNA SEE THE REST OF 'EM NAKED.

IT COULD BE AN OLD BIKER CHICK.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA HANG DOWN

TO HERE.

"YOU WANNA SEE MY (BLEEP)?"

(LAUGHTER)

"YEAH, I DO."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I JUST GOT BACK FROM 10 DAYS IN

LOS ANGELES.

IF YOU EVER HAVE A CHANCE TO DO

THAT, PASS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I LEARN THINGS WHEN I GO TO

L.A.

I LEARNED THIS.

THEY HAVE BIKINIS NOW MADE OUT

OF SEA SHELLS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, AND I ALSO

DIDN'T KNOW THIS.

IF YOU'RE EVER WALKING DOWN THE

BEACH AND YOU SEE A GIRL DRESSED

IN A BIKINI MADE OUT OF SEA

SHELLS, AND YOU PICK HER UP,

AND HOLD HER TO YOUR EAR...

(LAUGHTER)

YOU CAN HEAR HER SCREAM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M FROM TEXAS.

IN TEXAS, WE HAVE THE DEATH

PENALTY AND WE USE IT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IF YOU COME TO TEXAS AND KILL

SOMEBODY, WE WILL KILL YOU BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S OUR POLICY.

THEY'RE TRYING TO PASS A BILL

RIGHT NOW THROUGH THE TEXAS

LEGISLATURE THAT'LL SPEED UP

THE PROCESS OF EXECUTION IN

HEINOUS CRIMES WHERE THERE'S

MORE THAN THREE CREDIBLE

EYEWITNESSES.

IF MORE THAN THREE PEOPLE SAW

YOU DO WHAT YOU DID, YOU DON'T

SIT ON DEATH ROW FOR 15 YEARS,

JACK.

YOU GO STRAIGHT TO THE FRONT OF

THE LINE.

OTHER STATES ARE TRYING TO

ABOLISH THE DEATH PENALTY.

MY STATE'S PUTTING IN AN EXPRESS

LANE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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