IS SEXY, BUT I FIND CONFIDENCE

REPUGNANT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I JUST LIKE, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN

ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO'S

ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE WHO WALK

DOWN THE STREET LIKE THIS,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE THEY'RE COLD, EVEN IF IT'S

A HOT DAY.

BUT FOR THEM, IT IS COLD BECAUSE

THE COLD'S COMING FROM WITHIN

CONSTANTLY, YOU KNOW.

LIKE I JUST THINK IF I WAS A

CONSTRUCTION WORKER, LIKE THOSE

ARE THE PEOPLE I WOULD CAT CALL,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE IT WOULD BE LIKE,

"HEY, BABY.

DO YOU HAVE LOADS OF ESTEEM OR

IS THAT SLUMP JUST SCOLIOSIS?"

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ELSE?

SO MY BEST FRIEND IN LIFE

HAS NEVER HAD AN ORGASM.

AND I SERIOUSLY MEAN LIKE

MY BEST FRIEND.

NOT ME, MY BEST FRIEND.

LIKE ANOTHER PERSON, MY BEST

FRIEND.

AND I FINALLY DECIDED I WAS

GOING TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM FOR

HER BY BUYING HER A VIBRATOR.

BECAUSE WOULDN'T THAT SOLVE

THE PROBLEM?

SO FOR HER BIRTHDAY I WENT OUT,

GOT ONE, WRAPPED IT UP, GAVE IT

HER, AND I WAS LIKE, HERE YOU

GO.

ENJOY.

WINK, WINK.

CALL YOU IN A FEW DAYS.

SO I LET A WEEK GO BY AND THEN I

CALLED HER UP AND I'M LIKE,

LISA, HOW'S IT GOING?

OBVIOUSLY, LISA'S NOT HER REAL

NAME.

IT'S LISA KATZ.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE GOES, "IT DIDN'T WORK."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU

MEAN, IT DIDN'T WORK?

THAT WAS A VERY EXPENSIVE

VIBRATOR.

I'LL RETURN IT."

SHE'S LIKE "NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT FUNCTIONED FINE, BUT IT

DIDN'T WORK FOR ME.

IT DIDN'T SOLVE MY PROBLEM."

AND AT THAT MOMENT, I REALIZED

THAT BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO

HAD BOUGHT HER THE VIBRATOR,

I KIND OF FELT LIKE I WAS

THE GUY WHO HADN'T SCREWED HER

THE RIGHT WAY, BECAUSE I FOUND

MYSELF SAYING ALL THE THINGS

THAT GUYS SAY IN THAT SITUATION.

I WAS JUST LIKE, "THIS HAS NEVER

HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE."

[LAUGHTER]

"MAYBE IT'S JUST THE FIRST TIME.

GIVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE.

I'VE GIVEN THIS TO A LOT OF

PEOPLE.

NO ONE'S EVER COMPLAINED."

AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE,

"HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THIS HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.

I LIKE YOU FOR YOU.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S WHEN I HUNG UP

AND NEVER CALLED HER AGAIN...

BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THAT FRIGID

BITCH IN MY LIFE.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

THE GOVERNMENT.

THE WHOLE GOVERNMENT THING

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, I DIG

MY COUNTRY, I LOVE MY COUNTRY

MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD,

BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT SOME OF

THE THINGS THAT WE ARGUE ABOUT,

LIKE THIS ABORTION ISSUE,

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY WHETHER

I'M FOR OR AGAINST ABORTION.

I'M GOING TO GET SOME BUNCH

OF MEN SITTING AROUND THE

WHITE HOUSE DECIDED WHAT WOMEN

SHOULD DO WITH THEIR BODIES.

THAT'S THEY BUSINESS.

WHAT THE HELL, I'M AGAINST.

I'M AGAINST THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE...

'CAUSE THE WHOLE ARGUMENT

IS WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN?

DOES IT BEGIN AT CONCEPTION

OR DOES IT BEGIN WHEN THE BABY

IS AN EMBRYO?

ANYBODY WITH CHILDREN KNOW,

LIFE FOR THEM DON'T BEGIN TILL

THEY CAN PAY THEIR OWN DAMN

BILLS.

THAT'S WHEN THEY BEGIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN WE ALL BEEN TRYING

TO LEGISLATE MORALITY.

LIKE YOU CAN'T SMOKE A JOINT,

BUT YOU CAN GET DRUNK AS HELL.

THAT'S WHAT I DON'T GET.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DO WE DRUG TEST EVERYBODY?

DRUG TEST DOCTORS AND BUS

DRIVERS, AND AIRPLANE PILOTS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE

DRUG TESTING A JANITOR FOR?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S THE WORST HE'S GOING

TO DO?

DROP THE MOP.

I DONE DROP THE MOP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IF YOU

39 YEARS OLD AND YOU A JANITOR,

YOU SHOULD GET TO SMOKE A JOINT,

DAMN IT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, HELP YOU COPE WITH

YOUR LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

CLEAN UP ON AISLE 5.

[INHALES] I KNOW, I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THIS CO-WORKER OF MINE THAT

I DON'T KNOW WELL AT ALL COMES

UP TO ME AND GOES, "HEY, JESSI,

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE EVER

TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE, BUT YOU

LOOK A LOT LIKE ANNE FRANK."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHERE

TO PUT THAT AS A REMARK,

BUT THE WORST THING IS THAT

MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS,

WAS ANNE FRANK HOT?

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S THIS OTHER CHICK AT WORK

WHO I DESPISE.

BECAUSE SHE IS ONE OF THOSE

PEOPLE WHO, WHEN SHE SENDS YOU

AN EMAIL, SHE ATTACHES BULL CRAP

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE TO THE

BOTTOM.

[LAUGHTER]

HER THIRD DAY THERE, SHE SENDS

ME THIS EMAIL.

SHE'S LIKE, "HEY, JESSI.

CAN YOU MAKE SURE CC ME ON THE

WEEKLY REPORTS FROM NOW ON?

THANKS."

THEN SHE HAD NAME AND HER PHONE

AND HER FAX NUMBER, AND UNDER

THAT SHE WROTE, "WHEN YOU HAVE

CONSTRAINTS, THAT'S WHEN

INNOVATION HAPPENS."

THAT IS RETARDED.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I DECIDED THE ONLY WAY

TO TEACH HER LESSON WAS TO SEND

HER BACK AN EMAIL WITH MY OWN

QUOTE THAT I FIND INSPIRATIONAL.

SO I WROTE HER BACK AND I WAS

LIKE, "HEY, YEAH, NO PROBLEM."

AND THEN I HAD MY NAME,

AND MY PHONE AND MY FAX NUMBER,

AND UNDER THAT I WROTE,

"ONCE YOU GO BLACK, YOU NEVER

GO BACK."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

WHICH...

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

WHICH I FIND TO BE TRUE.

[LAUGHTER]