IS SEXY, BUT I FIND CONFIDENCE

REPUGNANT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I JUST LIKE, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN

ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO'S

ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE WHO WALK

DOWN THE STREET LIKE THIS,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE THEY'RE COLD, EVEN IF IT'S

A HOT DAY.

BUT FOR THEM, IT IS COLD BECAUSE

THE COLD'S COMING FROM WITHIN

CONSTANTLY, YOU KNOW.

LIKE I JUST THINK IF I WAS A

CONSTRUCTION WORKER, LIKE THOSE

ARE THE PEOPLE I WOULD CAT CALL,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE IT WOULD BE LIKE,

"HEY, BABY.

DO YOU HAVE LOADS OF ESTEEM OR

IS THAT SLUMP JUST SCOLIOSIS?"

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ELSE?

SO MY BEST FRIEND IN LIFE

HAS NEVER HAD AN ORGASM.

AND I SERIOUSLY MEAN LIKE

MY BEST FRIEND.

NOT ME, MY BEST FRIEND.

LIKE ANOTHER PERSON, MY BEST

FRIEND.

AND I FINALLY DECIDED I WAS

GOING TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM FOR

HER BY BUYING HER A VIBRATOR.

BECAUSE WOULDN'T THAT SOLVE

THE PROBLEM?

SO FOR HER BIRTHDAY I WENT OUT,

GOT ONE, WRAPPED IT UP, GAVE IT

HER, AND I WAS LIKE, HERE YOU

GO.

ENJOY.

WINK, WINK.

CALL YOU IN A FEW DAYS.

SO I LET A WEEK GO BY AND THEN I

CALLED HER UP AND I'M LIKE,

LISA, HOW'S IT GOING?

OBVIOUSLY, LISA'S NOT HER REAL

NAME.

IT'S LISA KATZ.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE GOES, "IT DIDN'T WORK."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU

MEAN, IT DIDN'T WORK?

THAT WAS A VERY EXPENSIVE

VIBRATOR.

I'LL RETURN IT."

SHE'S LIKE "NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT FUNCTIONED FINE, BUT IT

DIDN'T WORK FOR ME.

IT DIDN'T SOLVE MY PROBLEM."

AND AT THAT MOMENT, I REALIZED

THAT BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO

HAD BOUGHT HER THE VIBRATOR,

I KIND OF FELT LIKE I WAS

THE GUY WHO HADN'T SCREWED HER

THE RIGHT WAY, BECAUSE I FOUND

MYSELF SAYING ALL THE THINGS

THAT GUYS SAY IN THAT SITUATION.

I WAS JUST LIKE, "THIS HAS NEVER

HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE."

[LAUGHTER]

"MAYBE IT'S JUST THE FIRST TIME.

GIVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE.

I'VE GIVEN THIS TO A LOT OF

PEOPLE.

NO ONE'S EVER COMPLAINED."

AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE,

"HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THIS HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.

I LIKE YOU FOR YOU.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S WHEN I HUNG UP

AND NEVER CALLED HER AGAIN...

BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THAT FRIGID

BITCH IN MY LIFE.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

THAT FRIEND, YOU KNOW, THAT ONE

FRIEND THAT ALWAYS TALKS ABOUT

THE STUFF THEY'RE GONNA DO,

BUT NEVER DOES IT.

♪♪

IT'S A LITTLE SONG

FOR THAT PERSON.

MAYBE YOU KNOW HIM.

♪ WELL, I'VE A FRIEND ♪

♪ SAYS SHE'S ♪

♪ GOING TO BE FAMOUS ♪

♪ SHE'S MOVING ♪

♪ TO L.A. THIS YEAR ♪

♪ SHE'S GOING TO GET DRUNK ♪

♪ WITH BEN AFLECK ♪

♪ BE ON THE LIST ♪

♪ AT THE SKY BAR ♪

♪ AND CHOREOGRAPH DANCE VIDEOS ♪

♪ FOR BRITNEY SPEARS ♪

♪ BUT SHE'S BEEN SAYING THIS ♪

♪ SINCE HIGH SCHOOL ♪

♪ SHE HAS NO INTENTION ♪

♪ OF LEAVING ♪

♪ SO IF YOU SEE HER ♪

♪ PLEASE TELL HER ♪

♪ THAT I SAID ♪

♪ SHUT UP ♪

♪ JUST SHUT UP ♪

♪ YOU ARE NEVER LEAVING ♪

♪ EVER ♪

♪ JUST SHUT UP ♪

♪ ARE YOU KIDDING ME ♪

♪ JUST SHUT UP ♪

♪ PLEASE SHUT UP NOW ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]