Newberg, Barnett, Klein, Pope

  • Season 7, Ep 708
  • 01/09/2004

J. Chris Newberg sings about phone numbers, herpes commercials confuse Ty Barnett, Jessi Klein catcalls timid men, and Chip Pope questions Shania Twain's independence.

IS SEXY, BUT I FIND CONFIDENCE

REPUGNANT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I JUST LIKE, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN

ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO'S

ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE WHO WALK

DOWN THE STREET LIKE THIS,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE THEY'RE COLD, EVEN IF IT'S

A HOT DAY.

BUT FOR THEM, IT IS COLD BECAUSE

THE COLD'S COMING FROM WITHIN

CONSTANTLY, YOU KNOW.

LIKE I JUST THINK IF I WAS A

CONSTRUCTION WORKER, LIKE THOSE

ARE THE PEOPLE I WOULD CAT CALL,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE IT WOULD BE LIKE,

"HEY, BABY.

DO YOU HAVE LOADS OF ESTEEM OR

IS THAT SLUMP JUST SCOLIOSIS?"

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ELSE?

SO MY BEST FRIEND IN LIFE

HAS NEVER HAD AN ORGASM.

AND I SERIOUSLY MEAN LIKE

MY BEST FRIEND.

NOT ME, MY BEST FRIEND.

LIKE ANOTHER PERSON, MY BEST

FRIEND.

AND I FINALLY DECIDED I WAS

GOING TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM FOR

HER BY BUYING HER A VIBRATOR.

BECAUSE WOULDN'T THAT SOLVE

THE PROBLEM?

SO FOR HER BIRTHDAY I WENT OUT,

GOT ONE, WRAPPED IT UP, GAVE IT

HER, AND I WAS LIKE, HERE YOU

GO.

ENJOY.

WINK, WINK.

CALL YOU IN A FEW DAYS.

SO I LET A WEEK GO BY AND THEN I

CALLED HER UP AND I'M LIKE,

LISA, HOW'S IT GOING?

OBVIOUSLY, LISA'S NOT HER REAL

NAME.

IT'S LISA KATZ.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE GOES, "IT DIDN'T WORK."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU

MEAN, IT DIDN'T WORK?

THAT WAS A VERY EXPENSIVE

VIBRATOR.

I'LL RETURN IT."

SHE'S LIKE "NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT FUNCTIONED FINE, BUT IT

DIDN'T WORK FOR ME.

IT DIDN'T SOLVE MY PROBLEM."

AND AT THAT MOMENT, I REALIZED

THAT BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO

HAD BOUGHT HER THE VIBRATOR,

I KIND OF FELT LIKE I WAS

THE GUY WHO HADN'T SCREWED HER

THE RIGHT WAY, BECAUSE I FOUND

MYSELF SAYING ALL THE THINGS

THAT GUYS SAY IN THAT SITUATION.

I WAS JUST LIKE, "THIS HAS NEVER

HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE."

[LAUGHTER]

"MAYBE IT'S JUST THE FIRST TIME.

GIVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE.

I'VE GIVEN THIS TO A LOT OF

PEOPLE.

NO ONE'S EVER COMPLAINED."

AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE,

"HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THIS HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.

I LIKE YOU FOR YOU.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S WHEN I HUNG UP

AND NEVER CALLED HER AGAIN...

BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THAT FRIGID

BITCH IN MY LIFE.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

THE GOVERNMENT.

THE WHOLE GOVERNMENT THING

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, I DIG

MY COUNTRY, I LOVE MY COUNTRY

MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD,

BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT SOME OF

THE THINGS THAT WE ARGUE ABOUT,

LIKE THIS ABORTION ISSUE,

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY WHETHER

I'M FOR OR AGAINST ABORTION.

I'M GOING TO GET SOME BUNCH

OF MEN SITTING AROUND THE

WHITE HOUSE DECIDED WHAT WOMEN

SHOULD DO WITH THEIR BODIES.

THAT'S THEY BUSINESS.

WHAT THE HELL, I'M AGAINST.

I'M AGAINST THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE...

'CAUSE THE WHOLE ARGUMENT

IS WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN?

DOES IT BEGIN AT CONCEPTION

OR DOES IT BEGIN WHEN THE BABY

IS AN EMBRYO?

ANYBODY WITH CHILDREN KNOW,

LIFE FOR THEM DON'T BEGIN TILL

THEY CAN PAY THEIR OWN DAMN

BILLS.

THAT'S WHEN THEY BEGIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN WE ALL BEEN TRYING

TO LEGISLATE MORALITY.

LIKE YOU CAN'T SMOKE A JOINT,

BUT YOU CAN GET DRUNK AS HELL.

THAT'S WHAT I DON'T GET.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DO WE DRUG TEST EVERYBODY?

DRUG TEST DOCTORS AND BUS

DRIVERS, AND AIRPLANE PILOTS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE

DRUG TESTING A JANITOR FOR?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S THE WORST HE'S GOING

TO DO?

DROP THE MOP.

I DONE DROP THE MOP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IF YOU

39 YEARS OLD AND YOU A JANITOR,

YOU SHOULD GET TO SMOKE A JOINT,

DAMN IT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, HELP YOU COPE WITH

YOUR LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

CLEAN UP ON AISLE 5.

[INHALES] I KNOW, I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SCREWY?

IT'S CRAZY, MAN.

I FOUND OUT THAT MY GIRLFRIEND

IS ADOPTED AND I FOUND OUT

IN A WEIRD WAY.

LAST NIGHT, WE'RE IN BED,

AND I'M LIKE, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"

AND SHE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH,

THERE'S AN AGENCY LOOKING

FOR HIM AND THEY DON'T HAVE ANY

CLUES.

IT'S HAUNTED ME MOST OF MY

LIFE."

SO NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE NIGHT

ENDED IN TEARS AND ICE CREAM.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LOVE THE MOVIES.

THEY FINALLY BUILT ONE OF THOSE

STADIUM SEAT PORN THEATERS

NEAR MY HOUSE.

YEAH.

SO BRING A HAT.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

THAT'S FOR SURE.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW IT.

EVERYBODY WAS GOING ON ABOUT

EMINEM AND EIGHT MILE.

LIKE HE'S SUCH A GREAT ACTOR.

HE'S SUCH A GREAT ACTOR.

WAIT.

WHAT ACTING?

HE WAS PLAYING A RAPPER.

IT'S NOT LIKE HE WAS PLAYING

SOME ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE THAT

WAS FORCED TO SWITCH PLACES

WITH HIS SON FOR A WEEK.

NO.

IT'S LIKE WHEN PEOPLE WERE

RAVING ABOUT COURTNEY LOVE IN

THE PEOPLE VERSUS LARRY FLYNT.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

SHE'S SO CONVINCING AS A

DRUG ADDICTED STRIPPER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FINALLY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

OF THE AUDIENCE, IF THAT IS YOUR

REAL NAME, I LOVE SHANIA TWAIN.

I MEAN, COME ON, YEAH.

SHE'S GOT--

SHE'S JUST A FOOTLOOSE FLOSSY--

JUST A COUNTRY CUTIE, YOU KNOW?

SHE'S GOT SO MANY SONGS ABOUT

FEMALE EMPOWERMENT, YOU KNOW?

SHE'S GOT ALL THOSE SONGS THAT

ARE LIKE...

♪ I CAN DO MY OWN HAIR ♪

♪ I CAN DO MY OWN NAILS ♪

♪ I CAN GO TO A RESTAURANT ♪

♪ AND EAT SOME FANCY SNAILS ♪

♪ I'M DOING WHAT I CAN ♪

♪ AND I DON'T NEED A MAN ♪

[SINGING CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THAT'S...

THAT'S GREAT, SHANIA.

THAT'S REALLY NICE BUT WHAT

ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU

REALLY CAN'T DO SO WELL?

♪ I CAN'T WRITE MY OWN SONGS ♪

♪ I CAN'T PLAY ♪

♪ MY OWN INSTRUMENTS ♪

♪ I CAN'T PRODUCE MY OWN SONGS ♪

♪ I GUESS I NEED A MAN ♪

[SINGING CONTINUES]

THAT FRIEND, YOU KNOW, THAT ONE

FRIEND THAT ALWAYS TALKS ABOUT

THE STUFF THEY'RE GONNA DO,

BUT NEVER DOES IT.

♪♪

IT'S A LITTLE SONG

FOR THAT PERSON.

MAYBE YOU KNOW HIM.

♪ WELL, I'VE A FRIEND ♪

♪ SAYS SHE'S ♪

♪ GOING TO BE FAMOUS ♪

♪ SHE'S MOVING ♪

♪ TO L.A. THIS YEAR ♪

♪ SHE'S GOING TO GET DRUNK ♪

♪ WITH BEN AFLECK ♪

♪ BE ON THE LIST ♪

♪ AT THE SKY BAR ♪

♪ AND CHOREOGRAPH DANCE VIDEOS ♪

♪ FOR BRITNEY SPEARS ♪

♪ BUT SHE'S BEEN SAYING THIS ♪

♪ SINCE HIGH SCHOOL ♪

♪ SHE HAS NO INTENTION ♪

♪ OF LEAVING ♪

♪ SO IF YOU SEE HER ♪

♪ PLEASE TELL HER ♪

♪ THAT I SAID ♪

♪ SHUT UP ♪

♪ JUST SHUT UP ♪

♪ YOU ARE NEVER LEAVING ♪

♪ EVER ♪

♪ JUST SHUT UP ♪

♪ ARE YOU KIDDING ME ♪

♪ JUST SHUT UP ♪

♪ PLEASE SHUT UP NOW ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND THIS CO-WORKER OF MINE THAT

I DON'T KNOW WELL AT ALL COMES

UP TO ME AND GOES, "HEY, JESSI,

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE EVER

TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE, BUT YOU

LOOK A LOT LIKE ANNE FRANK."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHERE

TO PUT THAT AS A REMARK,

BUT THE WORST THING IS THAT

MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS,

WAS ANNE FRANK HOT?

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S THIS OTHER CHICK AT WORK

WHO I DESPISE.

BECAUSE SHE IS ONE OF THOSE

PEOPLE WHO, WHEN SHE SENDS YOU

AN EMAIL, SHE ATTACHES BULL CRAP

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE TO THE

BOTTOM.

[LAUGHTER]

HER THIRD DAY THERE, SHE SENDS

ME THIS EMAIL.

SHE'S LIKE, "HEY, JESSI.

CAN YOU MAKE SURE CC ME ON THE

WEEKLY REPORTS FROM NOW ON?

THANKS."

THEN SHE HAD NAME AND HER PHONE

AND HER FAX NUMBER, AND UNDER

THAT SHE WROTE, "WHEN YOU HAVE

CONSTRAINTS, THAT'S WHEN

INNOVATION HAPPENS."

THAT IS RETARDED.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I DECIDED THE ONLY WAY

TO TEACH HER LESSON WAS TO SEND

HER BACK AN EMAIL WITH MY OWN

QUOTE THAT I FIND INSPIRATIONAL.

SO I WROTE HER BACK AND I WAS

LIKE, "HEY, YEAH, NO PROBLEM."

AND THEN I HAD MY NAME,

AND MY PHONE AND MY FAX NUMBER,

AND UNDER THAT I WROTE,

"ONCE YOU GO BLACK, YOU NEVER

GO BACK."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

WHICH...

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

WHICH I FIND TO BE TRUE.

[LAUGHTER]

NUMBER, YOU GET THE DIGITS,

AND THIS IS PRETTY MUCH HAPPENED

TO EVERYBODY.

THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

IT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT HAPPENS

AFTER EVERYONE GETS THE PHONE

NUMBER AT THE BAR, AT THE CLUB.

IT'S CALLED "HISTORY OF THE

PHONE NUMBER, PART 1."

♪ GIRL ♪

♪ YOU GAVE ME YOUR NUMBER ♪

♪ TOLD ME TO CALL YOU ♪

♪ BUT WHAT YOU REALLY MEANT ♪

♪ WAS DON'T CALL YOU ♪

♪ HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT? ♪

♪ BECAUSE YOU REMEMBER ♪

♪ EARLIER IN THE SONG ♪

♪ YOU'RE LIKE ♪

♪ HERE'S MY NUMBER, CALL ME ♪

♪ SO I CALLED YOU ♪

♪ YOU DIDN'T ANSWER ♪

♪ YOU JUST ♪

♪ STOOD BY THE CALLER ID ♪

♪ WITH YOUR ROOMMATE ♪

♪ AND YOU WERE LAUGHING ♪

♪ YOU WERE LAUGHING ♪

♪ YOU WERE LAUGHING ♪

♪ YOU SAID ♪

♪ HEY, HE'LL GET THE PICTURE ♪

♪ BUT I WON'T GET THE PICTURE ♪

♪ WHY WOULD I GET THE PICTURE? ♪

♪ YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME ♪

♪ THE CORRECT PHONE NUMBER ♪

♪ WHAT THE HELL ♪

♪ IS WRONG WITH YOU? ♪

♪ I HATE YOU ♪

♪ I THINK IT'S TIME ♪

♪ FOR SOME PAYBACK ♪

♪ GUESS WHAT? ♪

♪ RIGHT NOW I'M CALLING ♪

♪ FROM YOUR DRIVEWAY ♪

♪ IT'S NOT SO FUNNY NOW ♪

♪ IT'S NOT SO FUNNY NOW IS IT ♪

♪ BECAUSE MAYBE IT IS ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ I'M IN YOUR KITCHEN ♪

♪ YEAH, I'M IN YOUR KITCHEN ♪

♪ YEAH, WHAT'S UP? ♪

♪ YEAH, WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN? ♪

♪ YEAH, HEY, ♪

♪ WHAT SHOULDA HAPPENED? ♪

♪ SO I SHOULDN'T A CALLED YOU ♪

♪ AND HAD I NOT CALLED YOU ♪

♪ WITHOUT A DOUBT ♪

♪ THREE WEEKS LATER ♪

♪ I WOULD HAVE RUN INTO YOU ♪

♪ YOU'D OF SAID ♪

♪ THAT'S THE GUY ♪

♪ I GAVE MY NUMBER TO ♪

♪ AND HE NEVER CALLED ME ♪

♪ I THINK I LOVE HIM ♪

♪ PLEASE TELL ME ♪

♪ YOU'RE KIDDING ME ♪

AND I SAW THE COMMERCIAL FOR THE

HERPES MEDICATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

FIRST OF ALL, I KNOW COMMERCIALS

ARE RIDICULOUS, BUT THE THING

THAT TRIPPED ME OUT ABOUT THIS

COMMERCIAL WAS NOT HOW THEY MAKE

IT LIKE YOUR LIFE GET A WHOLE

LOT BETTER AFTER HERPES.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS SAYING, LIKE YOU CAN

ROCK CLIMB AND JETSKI AND ALL

THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE

LIFE BEGINS WITH HERPES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE PART OF THE COMMERCIAL

THAT SHOWS ME OUT IS AT THE END

WHERE THEY SAY, "IF YOU'RE

SYMPTOMS RESULTING FROM HIV

OR AIDS, THEN IT MAY IMPEDE

THE PROCESS OF THIS MEDICATION."

AND I'M THINKING...

IF YOU GOT HERPES AND AIDS...

HERPES AIN'T YOUR PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

THAT'S KIND OF LIKE COMPARING

HERPES TO AIDS, MAN.

IF YOU'VE GOT AIDS, YOU'RE

ALMOST HAPPY TO TELL SOMEBODY

YOU'VE GOT HERPES.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I'M SAYING YOU GOT TO

BE CAREFUL.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING, NEW YORK,

BE CAREFUL.

DON'T BE MESSING AROUND WITH ANY

OLD PERSON.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

[APPLAUSE]

BE LIKE ME.

BE LIKE ME.

PARANOID.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M VERY PARANOID.

SOMEBODY GOES LIKE, TY, YOU

CAN'T LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE THAT.

MAN, BEING PARANOID WILL SAVE

YOUR LIFE.

THAT'S RIGHT, 'CAUSE THAT'S

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HOOKING

UP WITH THE FIRST THING YOU SEE

OR SAYING, HEY, THAT MIGHT NOT

BE A BEAUTY MARK ON YOUR LIP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF IT IS, IT LOOK LIKE

YOU GOT ANOTHER ONE COMING IN.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I HAVE TROUBLE

WITH RELATIONSHIPS, MAN.

I HAVE TROUBLE WITH THEM.

WELL, THAT'S MOSTLY BECAUSE

I DON'T LIKE GOING THROUGH

THE GAMES THAT PEOPLE PLAY.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU BREAK UP.

THAT'S WHEN THEY REALLY START,

MAN.

BIGGEST GAME I SEE NOW IS

THE LEAVE BEHIND GAME.

EVERYONE KNOWS THIS.

THAT'S WHERE YOU LEAVE SOME

OF YOURS BEHIND AT THEIR PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETHING TO REMIND THEM OF YOU

SO THEY HAVE TO CALL TO COME BY.

YEAH.

WOMEN WHO LEAVE BEHIND LIKE

A PAIR OF PANTIES OR A TENNIS

BRACELET.

GUYS WILL LEAVE BEHIND LIKE

A SON OR A DAUGHTER.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR EVERYBODY'S WHO'S NOT SURE,

EVERYBODY'S A LITTLE UNCERTAIN.

WHEN TWO PEOPLE MEET, THEY HAVE

THAT INITIAL SPARK THAT MAGIC.

THAT'S CALLED

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

UM, WHEN ONLY ONE PERSON

HAS IT...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S CALLED "STALKING".

[LAUGHTER]

AND I KNOW THAT NOW.

[APPLAUSE]

ALRIGHT, THAT WAS A LITTLE

WEIRD.

THAT'S A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T GET THAT.

IT DIDN'T GO OVER TOO WELL.

IN FACT, IT WENT OVER ABOUT

AS WELL AS THE TIME WHEN I MET

MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S FATHER

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU DO

FOR FUN?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "YOUR DAUGHTER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

SO I'VE BEEN WORKING ON

MY PICKUP LINES LATELY.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON

MY PICKUP LINES ALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW, SO THERE'S THIS

NEW BOOK I GOT OUT CALLED

"PICKUP LINES SHE WILL LAUGH AT

RIGHT BEFORE SHE HITS YOU

REPEATEDLY".

YOU KNOW?

AND I'LL GIVE A COUPLE OF THEM

TO YOU.

LIKE I SEE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL

AND I'D WALK RIGHT UP TO HER AND

I'D BE LIKE, "I KNOW YOU WORK AT

THE LUMBER YARD, GIRL...

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE YOU BEEN GIVING ME

THE WOOD ALL NIGHT, YEAH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, SEE ANOTHER REALLY

BEAUTIFUL GIRL, I WALK RIGHT UP

TO HER AND I'D BE LIKE,

"I'M GOING TO LOVE YOU

LIKE A SNOWSTORM.

YEAH, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU

8 TO 10 INCHES AND YOU AIN'T

GOING TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE

THE HOUSE FOR LIKE THREE OR FOUR

DAYS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ACTUALLY TYRONE.

YEAH, SEE.

NO, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LOOKED IT UP AND ACTUALLY

IN IRELAND IT MEANS INSPIRED

AND PRONE TO CREATIVITY.

I KNOW.

THAT'S A TRIP, RIGHT?

YEAH, BECAUSE IN AMERICA

IT MEANS "WE'RE NOT HIRING".

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THEY AIN'T NO POSITIVE

IMAGES CONNECTED WITH THE NAME

TYRONE ANYWHERE.

THERE WILL NEVER BE A PRESIDENT

TYRONE.

THE MOST I COULD BE IS THE GUY

YOU GET YOUR WEED FROM.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S COOL THOUGH, BECAUSE YOU

KNOW THE COOL THING ABOUT HAVING

THAT NAME, IS THAT NOBODY

EXPECTS ME TO DO ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT LIKE--

YOU HAVE CERTAIN NAMES YOU GOT

TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE.

LIKE PRESTON.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T BE HOMELESS AND BE

NAMED PRESTON.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THE GOVERNMENT SET ASIDE

MONEY FOR YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

PRESTON.

HOLD UP, DAWG, WE'VE GOT SOME

MONEY FOR YOU, HOLD UP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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