Brendon Walsh

  • Season 1, Ep 110
  • 05/25/2012

Nothing fascinates Brendon Walsh more than the post-coital thoughts of Fleshlight owners.

Hey, Beantown.

(cheering)What's up?

What's up, Beaners?

So I'll go out afterwards,

we'll drink Sam Adams.

Talking about Larry Bird.

Snitch on some redcoats.

(chuckles)

I want to go outand drink beer afterwards.

I switched-- I love drinking,you know.

Just like everybody.

I switched to, uh...

I switched to red winea couple weeks ago.

It's like, like, you know,it's like a mature drink.

Switched to red wine.

Had a couple bottlesof red wine.

It's like eight glasses.

It's not that much.

I didn't knowit was gonna give me

crazy, explosive diarrheaall night long.

I didn't knowit was gonna do that.

Like wicked explosive diarrhea.

Didn't stop till, like, 6:00or 7:00 in the morning or...

I don't know, I mean, I sleptright through it, thank God.

Didn't wake me up.

So I was well rested.

For a major cleanup jobthe next morning.

Green diarrhea.

If you drink red wine,you poop green.

I live, uh, I livein Los Angeles.

Hold your applause.

You do a lot of shows--

like they do showsin weird places.

I did a show at a, uh, like,at a dirty bookstore, you know.

Yeah, my career's going great.

Dirty bookstore.

What am I (bleep)?

Yeah, have you guys read all thenew porno books that are out?

The dirty literature?

Sitting under a treein a park with...

Reading something about...

(muttering):I don't know.

Now, at a place...it's like a porno place,

you know, where you can buy--basically like a vibrator store.

The whole front of the placeis just vibrators.

There's like 5,000 differentkinds of vibrators.

You ladies got it made.

Because it's not even weirdor taboo or anything.

Like every girl's gota vibrator.

And you don't have to be ashamedabout it.

You just, like, you leave itlaying out on your coffee table.

When you have company over,nobody will bat an eyelash.

And they go, "That's whythere are no batteries

"in the remote control.

It's Sheila's vibrator."

Like, at a bachelorette party.

Like, "Susan, I bought youthe new Rabbit Excel 2000E

"with Electro Fade

"that (bleep) pops and locksall up in your gut.

"Give it a shot.

"Just get upfrom the dinner table,

"go in the bathroomand try it out.

Why don't you give that a shot?"

Guys don't have that.

I mean, th-there's...there's stuff for guys.

But it's not, like, acceptableto have, like...

I mean, in the dildo placeI was at,

there's, you know,it's all vibrators in the front.

Brightly lit, very nice place.

Millions of varietiesof vibrators.

And then you go in the back,

near, like, the dirty moviesand stuff.

And there were a few thingsfor guys.

And one of them is just like--

It's just like a rubber ass.

It's like a rubber ass-vaginacombination thing.

It's like...

It's like they chop the ladyin half

and then saw both her legs off

and then you justhave that part.

It's a ass (bleep) combination.

Like...

We...

You can't have that.

Like, what,are you going to own that?

You gonna keep thatin your apartment?

A rubber ass-vagina combination?

Think you're coolwith having that laying around

at your place?

Like, what if you...

What if you go out to, like,

get a pack of smokesor something?

And you get run over by a carand you die?

Your family and friends

are gonna have to gothrough your stuff.

They're gonna find your rubberass-vagina combination.

Like that's the wayyou're gonna go out.

That's how you're gonnabe remembered

no matter what you didyour whole life before that.

They'll be like, "Yeah, yeah,

"I know, you did a lotof great stuff,

but did you hearwhat they found at his place?"

(laughs)

(mutters)

(applause)

(cheering)

You could be Stephen Hawking.

And they'll be like,

"Yeah, I know, he did a bunchof genius stuff,

but did you hear about...the rubber ass-vagina?"

(à la Stephen Hawking):Where is my rubber-ass vaginasituation?

I need to bang that.

the less obscene thing

for guys to jam their wangsinto for fun.

And the thing called, uh...

It's called the Fleshlight.

(audience whoops)

Are you familiarwith the Fleshlight?

(scattered applause, whoops)Yep. Well, for all of you

making believe that you're notfamiliar with the Fleshlight,

let me explain it to you.

(giggles)

It's a rubber vagina,

cleverly disguised

as a big weird flashlight,for some reason.

I don't know why they made itlook like a flashlight.

Like, maybe to make a disastermore stressful for you.

Like, if the power goes out,and there's an earthquake.

Hanging out with your buddy.

He's like,"Dude, I found a flashlight."

You're like,"No, no, no, no, no, no!

"No, no, not the...not, no, no, not that one.

"Not that one.

That's... no, no, no, no."

"Ugh, the batteries areleaking or something.

Uh, you need to change thebatteries in this thing."

"No! D-d-d-d-d-d!"

"That's... no, no, no.

Not that one."

And I...

It's a popular item.

I have friends who own them.

I haven't banged one yet.

Yet!

Maybe... maybe someday

I'll bang one.

I'm sure it's awesome.

It's a leap thatyou have to take.

Like, once you bang

a rubber vagina flashlight,

that's it, you did it.

That's like...

You can't undo it.

You're always a guywho's banged a flashlight

for the rest of your life.

And I feel dumb enough

like, when I rub one outlike a regular person,

I feel so stupid.

I'm like, "Duh."

"What the hell are you doing?

"Somebody leaves youalone in a room

"for more than ten minutes,

"you start playing with yourself

"like a teenaged chimp?

"Grow up.

"Maybe read a book to kill sometime for once in your life.

Imagine how dumb you feel

after you get done banging yourrubber vagina flashlight,

and you're just standing thereat the kitchen sink,

like, rinsing it out

under warm water...

"Ugh."

(laughter)

"I didn't think I was gonna bethis guy when I grew up."

"Knew how thiswas gonna play out.

"Banged a rubber vaginaflashlight.

Gotta get my (bleep) together."

(giggles)

Speaking of filthy thingsto stick your dick into...

(laughter)

I was in San Franciscoa few months ago.

(laughter, clamoring)

San Francisco...I love San Francisco.

It's... I-I love it.

San Francisco'sa fantastic city.

Also the nation's largestoutdoor homeless shelter.

I don't know ifyou were aware of that.

You're ass-deep inhomeless guys there.

They're all over the place.

They have their own newspaper.

The homeless guys.

You ever see that?

In San... they do it in,like, San Francisco,

Seattle, Portland...

like, the homeless guysall got together

and started a newsroomor something.

They sell their own newspaperthey write.

And I haven't...I-I haven't bought one.

I've never bought one.

And I'm like, why...

why am I not buying that?

It's probably like the bestnewspaper on the planet, like,

crazy ramblingsof homeless guys?

"Extra! Extra!Read all about it!

Kleenex boxes make excellentshoes in a pinch."

"Turn to page 12 forthe 53-day weather forecast.

"The weather every daywill be...

...inescapable."

(scattered applause)

Accurate.

Me and my buddy Kevinused to, uh...

we used to, um...

wear fake mustachesall the time.

For fun.

And we went to the movies, wh...

Fake mustaches are amazing.

Like, if you're a grown-up guy?

Wear fake mustaches...

as-as often as you can,

'cause it's just like...Just go out.

And do your, like...don't act weird.

Go around town wearinga fake mustache,

act all regular.

People don't knowhow to deal with a guy

wearing a fake mustache,

acting all normal.

Like, it pisses some people off.

They're just like,"What the hell's

"that guy doing over there?

What, is he having fun over 30?"

(laughter)

"Let's kick his ass!"

Boo-yah!

We used to wear fake mustachesall the time for fun.

We went to the movies,uh, one time.

We were wearingour fake mustaches.

And, uh, we buy our, uh...

we buy our movie tickets,

and the guy behind the counter,he's like, uh,

"Well, where do youwant to sit?"

And we're like,"I don't care. Wherever."

He's like, "Well, there'sassigned seating

in this theater.

It was some specialtheater or whatever.

He's like, "You haveto choose seats."

So he turns the computerscreen around

to show us the seating chart,

and I notice there areonly two other tickets

purchased forthe movie that day.

There are just two seatsright next to each other

in the middle of the theater.

So I said to the guy,I was like,

"We'll have the, those two seats

on either sideof those two people there."

And he giggles.He gets it. (chuckles)

Gives us our tickets.

And we go into the theater,

and we sit inour assigned seats.

Those people aren't there yet.

There's, like, two empty seatsin between us.

And we're beside ourselveswith how funny we think we are.

We're, like, (chortling)

"Keep it together, man!"

After about, like, you know,ten, 15 minutes,

this couple comes walking in,it's, like, a guy and a girl.

And the guy's, like,looking at his ticket.

He, like, looks at us.

Looks back to his ticket.

Sees the row.

Like, he figures outthat's going on.

And he turns to his girlfriend,and he goes,

"See? I (bleep) told you."

What the (bleep)did he tell her?

It's not... (chuckles)

It's not an I-told-you-sosituation at all.

Sucks getting older.

And all my friends are, like,

married to all these womenwho hate me.

Most of my friends' wiveshate me.

They're just, like,"No. What are you gonna go,

hang out with your stupidfriend Brendon?"

But I hang out with my friendsand their wives a lot.

And, like, if you're everhanging out with, like,

three or more drunk ladies,

you're gonna wind upat a karaoke bar eventually.

There's no way around it.

Drunk girls lovesinging karaoke.

But I got news for you,drunk ladies,

nobody wantsto hear that (bleep).

(laughs)

I never thought to myself,

"Man, I really loveall the songs of Journey,

"but I always thoughtthey'd be really awesome

"if Teresa from Human Resourceswould sing 'em to me

after a couple frozenmargaritas."

"Yeah, have a couplefrogaritas, Tres.

"Sing 'Don't Stop Believing'the way it should be sung.

"It's girls' night! Whoo...!

It's girls' night. Be-whoo!"

That's the internationalsign for girls' night.

This is, this is choking.

That's international signfor choking.

This is the international signfor girls' night:

Whoo...!

It's, like, you press your armup against your head,

try and bend your elbowthe wrong way.

Whoo!

Equal rights! Whoo!

Whoo!

My friend Kevin-- different guy --

(chuckles) his wife hates me.

But, like, in her defense,

we... mess with herall the time.

Like, Kevin invented this gamecalled "Cell Phone Capers"

where he'll be with his wife,

and he'll leave his cell phoneon secretly on speakerphone

and I'll be listening inall muted

while he just says weird(bleep) to his wife

to get her to, like, yell at himand piss her off

for my amusement.

And I listen in and laugh.

(goofy laugh)

Like, for example, he's atthe doctor's office one time.

He's waiting for his wifeto pick him up.

And he's, like, "Well, let's doa Cell Phone Caper."

So he leaves his phone on.

And I listen in all muted.

And you know, his wife shows up.He gets in the car.

His wife's, like,"How was your doctor's visit?"

(chuckles)

He's, like, "Oh, it was fine,but I got some bad news.

"The doctor saysmy dick's too big...

"and I have to goto a whale dick doctor

"to get my dick examined.

"So I think we've gotto rent out a tank

"at Sea World or something,

"get a bunch of whale dickdoctors to put on scuba gear

"and stethoscopes and swimaround my whale-sized dick

and make sure everything'scool with that."

She's, like, "What the (bleep)are you talking about?!

You wish, idiot!"

I'm, like... (goofy laugh)

listening in like an adult.

(goofy laugh)

He was, like, "No, but I gotsome good news, honey.

"The doctor said I produceenough semen

"to where you could live on

"only eating my spermfrom now on.

"So we'll put you onan all-splooge diet.

"We'll save a lot of moneyon groceries.

You'll drop some weight.It'll be a win-win."

She's, like, "Who the helldo you think you're talking to?!

You're disgusting!"

(goofy laugh)

Listening to a marriage crumblefor my own amusement.

So she caught on

to our Cell Phone Caperspretty quickly.

Like, any time Kevin wouldbe talking about whale dicks,

all-splooge diets,she knew what was going on.

She'd be, like...

"Where's your phone?"

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