August 15, 2016 - Julie Klausner

  • 08/15/2016

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese debate using the N-word, and Larry examines Donald Trump's electoral battle against Hillary Clinton with Julie Klausner, Mike Yard and Robin Thede.

-(applause & cheering continue)-Yes.

Thank you very much!

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

-Thank you.-AUDIENCE: Larry! Larry!

-Thank you very much!-Larry! Larry! Larry!

-Thank you. I appreciate it.-(chanting continues)

Thank you.Welcome to The Nightly Show.

-Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry!Larry! -Thank you very much.

-Please. You're too kind. -MAN:We love you, Larry! -(cheering)

-I love you, too! I love you,too. -MAN: We love you, Larry.

I love all you guys!

(laughter)

I am Larry Wilmore.

Um, so, how was your day?

(laughter)

Um...

Mine? Yours was okay?

Well, as many of youprobably heard,

this is our final weekof The Nightly Show. Um...

-(booing)-I know. Yeah.

Four shows left, and I just wantto thank Comedy Central

first of all,for this rare opportunity,

and it really isa rare opportunity...

-doing this thing.-(applause and cheering)

Thank you so much.

And also,the staff of this show--

we have an amazing staff,you guys--

for giving it their allthis past 20 months.

Um, I want to thank, um...um, all of them here.

And especially,I want to thank all of our fans.

Let me just say, you guyshave been unbelievable.

We have the best fans in latenight, I'm saying it right now.

-Okay? Right now.-(cheers and applause)

It's the passion.

It's the passion.

Um, it really is true.

People come up, and they neversay, "Hey, nice show."

They always say, "Thank you!"

You know,it's such a cool thing.

And hearing from you guyshas really been incredible.

Even you, @wilmore_blows666.

(laughter)

I mean, you brought sucha unique voice to the dialogue.

-I appreciate that. Uh...-(laughter)

Now, when we started the show,we wanted to have a conversation

on some very tough subjects,

and we've had a lot of fundoing just that.

I mean, really,our show was at its best

when the news was at its worst.

And, uh, I'm just so proud

that we were ableto take on real issues,

and, I don't know, hopefully,say something powerful

while making people laugh andon some very, very dark days.

Um, my only regret isthat we won't be around

to cover this truly insaneelection season.

Although, on the plus side,on the plus side, I must say,

our show going off the airhas to only mean one thing--

racism is solved.

-(laughter)-We did it.

-(applause and cheering)-We did it.

In fact, in fact, in fact,I think we have a photo

from Fergusonthat was taken earlier today.

(laughter)

Yeah! You're welcome, America.

You're welcome.

But black and white aren't theonly issues out there right now.

Orange seems to be the biggestproblem facing America.

WOMAN:Yes! Yes!

So let's check in and see what'shappening with the Unblackening.

(screeching)

(yelling)

(screeching and yelling)

(screeching)

That thing's gonna haunt mefor a long time.

-(laughter)-It is.

Okay, now, last week,I made a few jokes

at the expense of Trump'sspokes-goblin Katrina Pierson.

(laughter)

Um, I don't wantto give the impression

I was picking on her justbecause she's working for Trump.

I would never do that.

-Goblin lives matter, you guys.-(laughter)

Okay? They matter.

Ugh!

But then she has to goand say this.

Remember, we weren't evenin Afghanistan by this time.

Barack Obama wentinto Afghanistan,

creating another problem.

-No, no, no, no!-(laughter)

No, Obama did not gointo Afghanistan!

Now you're just being stupidfor stupid's sake!

-WOMAN: Yeah, there you go!-Okay?

But I don't understand.What is wrong with you people?

Perhaps you're not familiarwith all the disasters

from the Bush Administration.

There was a terrorist attack.We got into two wars.

Vice president shot his friend,for Christ's sakes.

There was a horrible hurricane,which, thanks to you,

is no longer the first thingthat comes up when you Google

the words "Katrina"and "Total (bleeping) show."

(laughter)

-Okay.-(applause)

-But...-(whooping)

but... but--

sorry--maybe you were going fast

and you didn't mean to say that.

Let me give youthe benefit of the doubt.

That was Obama's war, yes.

Mmm...

But look at the confident wayshe spews that bull (bleep).

"It was Obama's war, yes."

(laughter)

Now, earlier today she admittedshe got this wrong,

after the entire world told hershe was wrong.

But here's whatreally gets me, guys.

She's the spokesperson for a man

seeking the highest officein the land.

All she had to do was be alivefor the last 16 years...

right, to have knownshe was wrong.

And keep in mind, as a goblin,

she may have been alivefor centuries.

(laughter)

All right? I'm just saying.

-(applause, whooping)-This is possible.

Also, here's the other thing.And these Trump surrogates

not only spew these lies,like, with confidence,

sometimes the bull (bleep)coming out of their mouths

surprises even them.

So to be clear, Mr. Trumphas no financial relationships

with any Russian oligarchs?

If that's what he said,I... that's what I said...

that's obviously what the...our position is.

-(laughter)-Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

The bull (bleep) is comingout of his mouth so fast,

you almost wantto hold his head back, right?

-(laughter)-(coughs)

Go ahead, man, get it out.Take your time.

(choking)

(groans) But someonewho doesn't seem to mind

the taste of bull (bleep)in their mouth is the...

is the bovine dungconnoisseur himself.

President Obama.

He is the founder of ISIS.

He's the founder of ISIS. Okay?

-(cheering)-He's the founder.

He founded ISIS.

And... I would say the cofounder

would becrooked Hillary Clinton.

Mm, mm, mm.

Please make upyour own joke there.

(laughter)

But Trump soon followedthat bat (bleep) crazy statement

by doing somethingvery presidential--

sendinga bat (bleep) crazy tweet.

All right?

(audience gasps, groans)

(laughter)

Well, but that's not sarcasm.

Sarcasm is when you tellyour friend with the ugly shirt,

"Hey, nice shirt."

(laughter)

Not sure why you would do thatto your friend

who's just tryingto get back on the dating scene

after his divorce, but...

Regardless,sarcasm is a pretty lame excuse.

But at least Trump kind ofadmitted he was wrong, right?

Obviously, I'm being sarcastic.Then... then...

But not that sarcastic,to be honest with you.

(laughter)

"To be honest"?You're never honest with us!

The end of your sentencestated the complete opposite

of the beginningof your sentence.

Do you have any ideahow confused

the middle of your sentence is?

(laughter)

(groans)

I got to Keep It 100about this election.

Donald Trumphas stopped being funny,

he's stopped being outrageous,

he's stopped beingpolitically incorrect--

he's just downright dangerous.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS:Yeah! Yeah!

(whooping, applause)

Let me tell you.

And the worst...

and the worst of it is,he's just a liar, okay?

And I don't want to hear...

(mocking):"Hillary Clinton's a liar, too."

Okay? That isa false equivalency.

Let me tell you something.

Hillary Clinton is a very smartand capable politician

who many people don't trustbecause she spends too much time

lawyering her wordsso she doesn't lose votes,

instead of telling us whatshe actually (bleep) thinks.

All right?

Donald Trump is apsychopathic narcissist who...

-(cheers and applause)-MAN: Go, Larry.

...not only has the hands of aninfant, he has the mind of one.

Okay?

(cheers and applause)

I'm just saying.

I'm justsaying.

And I apologize to all infants.

(laughter)

Okay?

So, stop comparing the two.

Donald Trump is an existentialthreat to America.

And if you love America,like me,

you have to hopethat Hillary Clinton wins

every single electoral votethis November.

-(applause, cheering)-Let me just say.

Let me make this clear.

(applause)

It's not so much that"I'm with her."

It's that I'm with her.

We'll be right back.

(cheers and applause)

All right, welcome back.

Uh...

Now, you know, one thing, uh,I never addressed was, uh,

this time,a couple months ago, um,

I used a...culturally familiar term

with the Presidentof the United States.

Yo, Barry.

You did it, my nigga.

Now, the reaction wasboth positive and negative.

Some people were for usingthat word, some were against.

Now, there are valid pointson both sides,

so we need to debate this,and since we're on cable,

the only way is to have peopletake polar-opposite positions

and argue over each other.

So, without further adieu,here's our final installment

of Pardon the Integration.

(overlapping arguing)

(bell dings)

Please welcome Nightly Show contributors

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese.

(cheers and applause)

All right, gentlemen.

Okay, guys.

Tonight's topic:

should people be ableto use the "N" word,

or is it so bad thatit should never be used again?

Okay, Mike will argueagainst the "N" word,

while Rory will be in favor...

(laughter)

Rory will be in favorof demeaning the black race.

-Ready?-Hell yeah.

No, not...not even remotely ready.

And... begin.

Look, black people were ownedfor hundreds of years.

Letting anyone use the "N" word

trivializes the horrorof slavery.

The "N" word isa brand of shame.

It's the original Boost Mobile.

Okay, Mike, Mike...

but, Mike, what aboutartistic license, okay?

How about when rappers arguethat using the "N" word

takes awayand demystifies its power?

You mean does Drake negate theenslavement of an entire race?

No, Rory, no.

Mm-mm-mm.

Okay, look, it's one thingif people shout the "N" word

during a Trump rally--it's kind of the reason you go--

but this is 2016, okay?

Slavery happeneda long time ago.

If they put the "N" wordin songs,

is it wrong for peopleto sing songs?

You saying people can'tsing songs, Mike?!

Not if the "N" wordis a lyric in that song!

Okay? And when did we start

taking social advicefrom rappers?

I don't know, Mike.

Probably right around the time

that Sir Mix-A-Lot let us knowabout those big butts!

-That is...-(laughter)

That is not fair, Rory.

Okay, who doesn't likebig butts?

-I didn't before that song!-(bell dings)

Okay!All right, gentleman.

That noise means it's timeto switch sides

and arguethe opposite perspective.

Because remember, guys,this is a mindless argument.

-Doesn't matter which sideyou're on. -Yeah, yeah.

One I'm probably going to loseat the end.

No, no, no.

Mike, no, man.

Trust me,that's not going to happen.

Look, stop arguingand just argue, okay?

-Fine.-Great.

Now, Rory will be againstusing the "N" word,

and Mike will be in favorof everyone using the most

derogatory term towards blackpeople in American history.

And... begin!

Look, the word itselfisn't the issue.

The issue is what comes directlybefore it.

Look, it's the differencebetween "I love you my nigga,"

and "Freeze!Get on the ground, nigga!"

-All right, look...-See?

-(applause)-Fine. Fine.

But, Mike, at this point,the "N" word is so horrible,

it makes me uncomfortable, okay?

And it's not supposedto make me uncomfortable.

It's supposed to make you uncomfortable.

Oh, the white...the white guy's uncomfortable,

-so now it's gotta be illegal.-Yeah.

That sounds right.

Look, cops shootingunarmed black people

makes me uncomfortable.

When the (bleep)is that gonna be illegal?

-(cheers and applause)-Wh... Hold on.

Mike. Hold on.

You just put me in a veryawkward position,

and even thoughI'm talking loud,

I totally agree with you.

Those police shootingsare an atrocity!

I'm not gonna...

You know what? I'll be honest.

I wish there was a late-nightcomedy show on the air

that dealt with thingslike that.

-That'd be cool!-(cheers and applause)

That'd be very cool.

We should have one of those.

-That'd be good.-(audience cheering)

I might pitch that.

-Hey...-I might pitch that.

-I agree with you, that would bepretty effective, -It would.

-but that doesn't exist, Rory.-I guess not.

'Cause apparently,too much of that (bleep)

makes white peopleuncomfortable,

-just like the "N" word.-Exactly!

And that's why I'm saying no oneshould ever say ni...

-Whoa! Whoa! Hey!-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

-Rory, whoa!-Damn, Rory, what the...?

I can't believe that (bleep)just came out of your mouth.

-Yeah, what the (bleep), Rory?-No.

-Man. Where... wait.-No, I didn't even...

Where have you been hidingthat racist guy?

Hold on, okay?

I didn't even finish the word.

And Mike was just saying anyonecould use it.

No, no, no, no.You know what?

-I'm going to (bleep) you up.-What?

-(bell dings)-All right.

-No, wait, what?-(applause)

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.-Okay.

Well, it looks likewe have a winner.

The winner is Mike Yard,everybody.

-No! No!-What?! What?!

-Yeah.-(audience cheering)

-That's not fair.-Oh, my God!

-And I tell you what...-I can't believe it.

Very close.

Mike Yard is the winner

because I really want to see him(bleep) Rory up.

Wait, what? Why the (bleep)would you want that to happen?

-I want to thank my family.-Okay.

Hold on a minute.

This is not fair.

An injusticehas been done here.

Well, now you know how it feelsto be black, my brother.

-(cheering)-Yeah.

-Welcome to my world.-(gasping): You know what?

Finally, The Nightly Show hastaught me a valuable lesson.

Aw, congratulations, guys.

Well, this has been our finalpointless episode

of Pardon the Integration.

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese,everybody!

We'll with be right back.

Oh, no, don't...-(cheers and applause)

(laughing)Oh, no.

Welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Mike Yard.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributor Robin Thede.

(cheering, applause)

And she's the creatorand star of the Hulu series

Difficult People, Julie Klausner.

(cheering, applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter-- @NightlyShowusing #Tonightly.

All right, so,I said this earlier,

I'm just gonna come outand say it again:

Hillary Clintonneeds to be our next president.

-(cheering, applause)-Um...

As I said earlier in the show,uh, any comparison to Hillary

is a false equivalencyat this point.

Hillary Clinton is a candidate,and Donald Trump

is a non-qualified,narcissistic infant

that is very dangerous to thecontinuation of this thing

we call the United States.

-THEDE: -Yup.-My opinion. Um...

Uh, there's rumorsthat the Republicans

are gonna dump Trump.

There's actually some rumorsthat sound pretty...

pretty serious about this,and put Pence in his place?

-Do you think that can happen?-(Klausner laughing)

The guy has, like,the charisma of a-a taco.

No, that's not true--tacos are very appealing.

-WILMORE: Tacos are awesome. -Ithink about them all the time.

-Yup. -Mike Pence is...

I mean,finish the sentence or don't.

-It doesn't matter.-Yeah.

-Right. Yeah.-THEDE: Yup. Yup.

WILMORE: Does it make you,uh... Yeah, it's like

eating something,you burp and go,

"That doesn't remind meof anything."

I... That doesn'ttaste like anything.

Or sitting next to a person,like, in a dinner party

and they're, like,"How did you like Carol?"

And you're like, "Who?"

"You talked to her all night.""I did?"

You know what,(bleep) Mike Pence.

I'll do it. Okay?

(bleep), after today,I'm out of work,

so, (bleep), I'll do it.I'll do it. I'm down.

-I got the suit, I'm ready.-Yeah.

What y'all want-- a wall?I'll build it.

I'll build a wall.I'll build one on Canada.

Two walls.(bleep), let's do it.

-I need work. -I would votefor you over Trump any day.

I think it's crazy, too, becausethere's-there's also a rumor

that the GOP is going to takeaway Trump's funding in October

-and focus it oncongressional races. -Yes.

Which, actually,would be very smart of them,

because they're onlya few seats away, um,

in Congress,from-from losing control, but...

-Yeah, 'cause down ballotis downwind right now... -Yeah.

-of a really stinky scene,uh, up there, right? -Right.

But it's like, Jesus, if yourown party isn't behind you...

It's like when youstop supporting

your-your, like, uselessadult son that keeps failing,

and you're like, "I'm not gonnapay your rent anymore."

-Exactly. -This is not on me.-Yeah, tough love.

-This is not on me.-But you know what,

good for the Republican party--they-they created Trump anyway,

with this Tea Party nonsensethey started.

All that ugliness,that's what it led to.

And good for you,I hope you never

win anotherpresidential election ever.

-(cheering, applause)-WILMORE: No, it's true. -Ever.

Do you think there's any chancethat he'll quit?

'Cause that was a conspiracytheory-- that he'll-he'll...

-that he'll even drop out.-No. Psychopaths never give up.

-No, he's... -They don't give upuntil they've killed everyone,

-and that is his plan. -No.-Have you ever...

Have you ever watched Dexter? He don't quit.

Yeah, he never quit.He never quit.

Wow, thanks for ruining Dexter.

WILMORE:Spoiler alert.

So, his job is to kill Americaat this point?

Are you kidding? Yes, I thinkthat's very clear.

He just will never admitthat he's failed at anything.

-That's his personality. -Hewill... That's exactly right,

and his surrogates arefollowing suit with that, too.

Today, Giuliani came out...Hold on. Mike, you love this,

but I had to write this quotedown. It's in my bra. Um...

-(cheering, applause)-YARD: Yes!

-More press material.-Giuliani...

You're welcome, America.Giuliani said there were

"no successfulradical Islamic attacks

before Obama."

Conveniently forgetting 9/11!

-I know.-When he was mayor.

And this is what his surrogates

are out here saying--just (bleep).

Just blatant (bleep)!

-And people listen to it,and I hate it, -I know,

because his supporters are like,um, "Oh, he didn't mean that!

"He was just being sillywhen he said Obama started ISIS.

He's being sarcastic."But at the same time,

it's the same people that aresaying, "He says what he means.

"This is the manwho says what's on his mind!

-Not politically correct."Well, which one is it? -Hmm?

-I don't know. Those are...-(cheering and applause)

Here's the thing,here's what scares me,

is there any chance, is thereany chance he can get back in

in the debates? You know?

Is there any chancehe can do a...

-Like... I don't know, g-guys!-Listen...

I know. The audienceis acting like, "No."

-But look at the (bleep)that's happened so far. -I know.

Every time I had that reaction,some... You know,

he'd insult somebody andhis poll numbers would go up.

I'll tell you how you negate...how you negate that

is Hillaryjust shouldn't show up.

-There's no reason for her to.-Yeah, yeah.

-She gonna win anyway. -Yeah.-You think she should just...

she should just go homeand rest at this point?

-Just go home and chill. -No.-I think if Hillary continues

to do nothing at all,she'll be in great shape.

-Just, honestly, wake up,eat some eggs, -No e-mails.

you know, do-do what you saidyou were gonna do,

appear at the places you weregonna appear, go to bed, repeat.

Well, thankfully, thankfully,it's almost over.

Like I said,I'm sad we won't cover it.

What's-what's beenthe most unbelievable thing

that you've seenfrom this creature?

For me, not...it's not about Donald Trump.

You know what's been fascinatingto me?

The fact that Americahas been so shocked

-that this type of racismstill exists. -Mm-hmm.

-'Cause we've been yellingabout it for a long time, -Yeah.

and it took Trump for peopleto be, like, "Wait a minute,

-We're still kind of (bleep)up." -Yeah.

-That's shocking to me. -AndI guess what's so shocking to me

are the peoplethat are still supporting him.

What has beenthe most offensive Trump...

-Or surprising thing that youstill can't believe... -This...

-this week or...?-This whole phenomenon.

No, the whole...the whole phenomenon.

-The whole Trump, uh...-I believe it all,

but I will sayI have a soft spot

for the "bleedingfrom her whatever" comment.

-Oh, that was... Yeah, that wasa good one. -That-that continues

-to be a "Oh, remember whenhe said that? -Yeah. -Geez.

-Wow!" kind of moment.-It was so inventive, in a way,

-you know? It was... -Yeah. -Heannounced-- let's not forget--

-he announced by sayingMexicans are rapists. -Yeah.

-That's how he started.-Yeah, he did start from there.

There's not a lot of placesto go.

Yeah. Yeah.

And, uh... and, and

"I don't like heroes... I don'tlike people that get caught.

-That's not a hero in my book."-Oh, the McCain thing?

-Yeah, the McCain thing. -"I canshoot somebody on Fifth Avenue."

"Obama invented ISIS." I mean,there's so many things...

I have to say though,the funniest thing is

calling Jeb low energy,and it worked!

-Listen, all of it's working!All of it's working. -Yeah.

-No, no, no. -We haveto wake up. We have to stop

-being entertained by the trainwreck, -Not working anymore.

because this countrywill be a train wreck.

I am ready to announcethat America is woke.

-We'll be right back.-(cheering and applause)

YARD: If you live in New York City or are planning to visit,

grab tickets to The Nightly Show.