Monday, January 26, 2015

  • 01/26/2015

John Gemberling, Tymberlee Hill and Ken Marino of "Marry Me" #RuinAWeddingIn5Words, caption odd engagement photos and incentivize online donors to fund a hipster's dates.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HERE WE ARE ON DAY EIGHT OF

NFL DEFLATEGATE WHICH HASNOW USURPED BID COIN AS THE

THING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT BUTDON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND.

AT THIS POINT EVERYONE HASWEIGHED IN ON THE SIZE OF

TOM BRADY'S BALLS.

AND AFTER A BIZARRENONAPOLOGETIC PRESS

CONFERENCE IN WHICH BILLBELICHICK STRUGGLED TO GIVE

HIS BEST THEORY OFEVERYTHING, THE MEDIA CALLED

IN A REAL FOOTBALL EXPERT.

>> I'M NOT TOO WORRIED ABOUTCOACH BELICHICK COMPETING

WITH ME.

WHAT HE SAID DIDN'T MAKE ANYSENSE.

>> AND NYE SAYS EQUILIBRIUMOR NOT, THE EXPLANATION FALLS

FLAT.

>> OH, WELL, THERE'S THEPROBLEM.

THEY WERE USING BALLOONSINSTEAD OF FOOTBALLS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BUT I WORSHIP BILL NYE BUT

ONE THING IS CERTAIN, HE ISDEAD MEAT WHEN PATRIOTS

TIGHTENED ROB GRONKOWSKIHERES BY THIS ATTACK ON HIS

BOSS.

GIVE A RESPONSE AS ROB GRONK,HE SEEMS LIKE A COOL GUY WHO

WHAT NEVER WANT TO HURT MEGUY.

>> FOOTBALL, AIR, WHY NOBODY,WHY NOBODY TALK TO GRONK

ABOUT SQUEEZE PLAY.

RYAN GOSLING ATTACK, HECOMES ON AS PRODUCER-- HOLD

ON, GRONK IS DRIVING INTOPARKING STRUCTURE.

CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.

>> POINTS, POINTS.

>> THAT WAS AN EXCELLENTANSWER AND I ALSO FEEL BAD

FOR YOU WHEN THIS MAN BEATSTHE [BLEEP] OUT OF YOU.

NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> IN HONOR OF TONIGHT'S

MARRY ME WE HAVE MATRIMONYON THE LINES SO DRUNKENLY

HIT ON BRIDESMAID, VOMIT ONA TUXEDO.

WITH THE HASHTAGRUINAWEDDINGIN5WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE WHO LETTHE DOGS OUT OR DOWRY IS

SHORT 20 GOATS.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> KEN.

>> I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU DEAD.

>> POINTS.

>> TYMBERLEE.

>> -->> POINTS.

>> YOU SAID THAT LIKE YOUMEANT TO SAY IT.

>> IT WAS A GREAT WEDDINGOTHERWISE.

>> I LOVE HIM TILL STILL.

>> AGE OF CONSENT JUSTRAISED.

>> POINTS.

>> KEN.

>>> WHAT IS DRIBBLING OUT OFBRIDE.

>> ARE WE STILL COOL?

>> THIS CAKE IS-- IT'S ALIVE!

>> TIMBER LEA.

>> YOU MAY NOW KISS -->> HUGHIE LEWIS AND THE NEWS.

>> POWER LOVE, I JUST[BLEEP] POWER LOVE.

>> AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYDISS-ENGAGED, DISS-ENGAGED.

AT THE REPOSITORY FORAWKWARD ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS

COMMEMORATING THE FIRSTAWFUL LIFE DECISION THEY

MADE TOGETHER.

I WHAT LIKE YOU TO CAPTIONIT.

FIRST UP THIS TRASHY DUO,THIS TRASHY DUO.

>> IT'S A NICE DAY FOR ABROWN WEDDING.

>> POINTS.

>> JOHN.

>> WE DROVE A LONG WAY TO AREALLY BAD NEIGHBORHOOD FOR

THIS GAG, BUT OH GOD, WAS ITWORTH IT.

>> YES.

>> THEY WERE MURDEREDSHORTLY THEREAFTER.

>> NEXT ONE.

>> THESE YOUNG GUNS.

HUH?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

GUYS, SHE'S POINTING A GUNAT HIS DICK.

>> KEN.

>> GIVE ME ALL YOUR SEMEN ORTHE DICK GETS IT.

>> EVEN IF THAT WERE A PROPGUN I WOULDN'T ALLOW THAT.

IT IS JUST THE SUGGESTION OFIT.

>> A BAD IDEA.

>> JOHN.

>> SO LET ME GET THISSTRAIGHT.

I CAN'T [BLEEP] YOUR HAIRBUT YOU CAN BLOW MY BALLS

OFF?

(APPLAUSE)>> NEXT ONE.

THESE TWO SWEETHEARTS, THESETWO SWEETHEARTS.

>> OH.

>> IT IS A PLACE WHERE BEESARE KEPT, WHERE HONEY IS

MADE.

>> I LOVE YOU, HONEY.

>> OH, NO!

>> YES!

>> COME BACK.

(APPLAUSE)>> LAST ONE, HOW ABOUT THESE

PHOTO BOMB VICTIMS.

HOW ABOUT THESE -->> TYMBERLEE.

>> TAKE IT, YOU CAN TAKE ITAGAIN, I WASN'T HARD.

>> POINTS.

TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,REBORN OR GAY PORN.

I'M EXCITED ABOUT THIS ONE.

THIS IS THE YOUTUBE TRENDTACKED BAD GAY PORN ACTING,

SHOWCASING EVERYTHING YOULOVE ABOUT PORN WITH THE

LINE READING PRODUCTIONVALUES AND TERRIBLE MUSIC

WITHOUT THE ANNOYING SEXPARTS.

SO WE ALSO KNOW BAD GAY PORNHAVE AN UNCANNY SIMILARITY

TO INSPIRATIONAL RELIGIOUSMOVIES.

SO I WILL SHOW YOU A STILLFROM A VIDEO, FOR 250 POINTS

TELL ME IF IT IS FROM A GAYPORN OR RELIGIOUS FILM.

SADLY, THEY MAY HAVE CHANGEDTHE ORIGINAL TITLE WHICH WAS

HALLELUJAH OR DUDES WHO BLEWYOU, AND IF YOU ARE A

RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATION THATTWEETED US THAT YOU ARE

BEING SACK RI LEDGE IS, WHYYOU ARE WATCHING THIS

[BLEEP] SHOW?

(APPLAUSE)>> ALL RIGHT.

FIRST UP, THIS LOST TEENSOUL, REBORN OR GAY PORN.

>> TYMBERLEE.

>> GAY BORN.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> SO HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEENAN ELECTRICAL BOX?

IT'S RECTANGULAR.

WHAT, THIS WON'T WORK?

>> THE ONLY THING THIS ISGOING TO WORK FOR IS THE

GLORY HOLE.

>> YEAH.

>> WAIT, WAIT-- YEAH, THATACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE IT

COULD HAVE BEEN THERELIGIOUS ONE TOO.

BUT I THINK WAS GAY PORN.

NEXT ONE, THESE TOPLESSTRAIL BLAZER, REBORN OR GAY

PORN.

>> TYMBERLEE.

>> THEY'RE REBORN.

>> THEY ARE, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> 4:13 SAYS WE CAN DO, ALLTHINGS THROUGH CHRIST IN

TRUTH AND JUSTICE, WHOHASN'T EVER FAILED, BE

PERSISTENT.

>> YES!

(APPLAUSE)>> DO YOU SEE THAT [BLEEP].

>> I KNOW MY GAY PORN AND MYRELIGIOUS --

>> THIS WAYWARD SOUL PATCH.

>> REBORN OR GAY PORN.

>> RELIGIOUS REBORN.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> RELIGIOUS THING.

>> I'M SORRY.

SORRY FOR WHAT?

>> OUR DADDY TAUGHT US NOTTO BE ASHAMED OF OUR DICK.

THEY GET BIGGER WHEN I PULLON THEM.

>> HMMMM.

>> WAS I RIGHT?

>> DELICIOUS.

>> I WAS RIGHT.

>> DELICIOUS.

>> MY FAVORITE PART OF THATIS HE EXPLAINED TO ANOTHER

GROUP MAN HOW A DIC WORKS.

>> THIS MINISTER OFMASCULINITY, REBORN OR GAY

PORN.

>> YES, JOHN.

>> HE'S-- HE'S-- HE ISRELIGIOUS HE'S GAY-- HE'S

RELIGIOUS.

HE'S RELIGIOUS.

>> ALL RIGHT, THE CORRECTANSWER IS --

>> I KNEW THIS WAS COMING.

>> WELL, YEAH, THAT WAS VERYMUCH GAY PORN.

GAY PORN.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU DO NOT GET ANYANSWERS RIGHT ON PURPOSE.

THIS IS TRYING TO PROVE.

>> I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOINGTO BE LIKE TRICKY, YOU KNOW.

>> KIND OF LIKE PULL THATBELT INTO A CROSS OR START

FLAGELLATING.

>> SHIRTLESS GUY HOLDING ACELL PHONE IS GAY PORN.

>> YEAH.

AS WE JUMP TO THENEXT GAME, ENDIE NO-GO.

>> THIS WALKING MOLE SKINNOTEBOOK NAMED TOM PACKER,S

26-YEAR-OLD PART TIMEBRITISH BARTENDER HIP STER

WHO STARTED A ENDIE GO-GOCAMPAIGN TO PAY FOR HIS

SKATES Z HE BLOW ALL HISSHILLINGS ON WHIMSICAL

TATTOOS AND MONTHLY VESTBUDGET.

TOM PROMISES TO MAKE YOURINVESTMENT WORTHWHILE WITH

THESE INCENTIVES.

HIS PERSONAL DIARY, RECEIVEUPDATES IN YOUR IN-BOX ABOUT

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE ON MYJOURNEY TO FIND LOVE.

[BLEEP] YOU, DUDE.

>> AND 500-- I WILL TAKE YOUOUT IN LONDON AS ONE OF MY

13 DATES AND WRITE YOU APERSONAL POEM.

ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS AREBLUE, I'M A [BLEEP].

>> COMEDIANS, LET'S HELP TOMOUT WITH MORE COMPELLING

INCENTIVES FOR HIS CAMPAIGN.

PUT 60 SECONDS AND GO.

>> FOR 200 POUNDS I WILLSCREAM YOUR NAME AS I'M

CLIMAXING.

>> POINTS.

>> FOR 50 POUNDS I'LL LETYOU LISTEN TO ME RAMBLE ON

ABOUT HOW MUSIC IS BETTER ONVINYL.

>> POINTS.

>> FOR ZERO POUNDS YOU CANNEVER THINK ABOUT ME AGAIN.

>> POINTS.

>> TYMBERLEE.

>> FOR 30 POUNDS YOU CANWATCH ME BEAT OFF INTO A

RUSTY TOBACCO TIN.

>> TYMBERLEE.

>> FOR 100 POUNDS YOU CANWATCH ME WHILE I CRY ABOUT

NOT BEING ABLE TO GET ANERECTION.